I'm back again...

Unintended break there. I'm sorry about that. ^^;



I just needed some time to get my head back on straight after the whole breakup thing. I lasted about five days without food. I got down to 132, but then I started eating again, mostly because we went to my grandparents' that weekend. I don't know my weight anymore, because I just haven't really had the will or heart to get on the scale again after that.

So I've been eating. Not a lot, but I've been eating a bit. And exercising some too. I try to make what I do eat as nutritious and low-cal as possible. I'm planning to weigh in on Wednesday, but not touching the scale until then, just so I won't be disappointed.



Anyway, about the trip to my grandparents'... I didn't reach my goal, but I did lose a lot of weight. Everybody was definitely impressed, and that made me feel good.



In fact, when I saw all my old friends, I also saw one of my brother's friends, who I've had a crush on FOREVER. I'll call him 'J'. Usually whenever we'd see each other around, we'd just either wave/nod or when we did talk it was just "Hi" "Hey." or something like that. But this time, we actually had a conversation. And I think he was flirting a bit, which made me giddy. I need to work on my flirting skills, because currently I just blush and babble. XD! I don't even know if he recognized me, because he never even mentioned my brother. o_O But yeah, he said my accent was cute. I've always hated it, but hey, everybody else seems to love it, so whatever. XD

But anyway, that made me notice something. Guys check me out now. They never really did that when I was fat. It confuses me. I mean, I am by no means skinny yet, but they were still checking me out. How can they do that? I kept thinking about it, and somehow, it made me realize something. I realized... I am a woman. I know, that sounds weird. But I've spent the last several years thinking of myself as only 'fat' and 'worthless'. Nothing more. Just a little girl who couldn't be anything. Would never amount to anything. But now I've seen myself as 'woman', too, and with all the power that word brings. And when I realized that, something shifted. I don't know what or how, but something changed. Maybe the cosmos aligned, or maybe a forgotten wish upon a star came true. I don't know what happened, but it did happen, and it almost scares me.

I mean, I just feel so powerful, so utterly feminine. Like with just one well-placed wink or word, I could make a man promise me the world. I am a woman, and that knowledge, the power that word holds... it's frightening, but strangely exhilarating.

I've been looking for opportunities to try out this new 'power', but in all honesty, I just don't quite know how. I know I can be so much more, but something within me just wants to keep hiding behind the innocence of the little girl I once was. But I've seen this power used. I've even uncovered a bit of it myself. It's frightening, standing on the precipice of everything I could be, and yet not trusting myself and my instincts enough to take the plunge that could lead me to glory.

The Heartbreak Diet

My boyfriend broke up with me on Monday for someone else.

I haven't eaten since. I'm hungry, but I just can't bring myself to eat. 7:00 Monday evening was my last meal. I just... I don't know. I'm happy about the fasting, but not happy about the breakup. God. What's wrong with me? I mean, I've always known I'm just nothing. Worthless. Not enough to hold anybody. I just... I don't know.

134 and still dropping.

I almost see bones!!!

Ok, so I am really really excited. My ribs are less than half an inch from making their first appearance. Right now, it's kind of weird. It's like... I can see them, but I can't see them. Where they're closest to the surface, I can just baaaaarely see a little bit. And when I move, it's like I can just barely see something moving under the surface of my skin. If you know what I mean. XD I mean, they are totally on the verge of appearing, and I am SO excited. I can't wait until they've fully appeared. XD

My hipbones are maybe an inch away. I always thought hipbones were supposed to show first, though? Maybe my idea of anatomy is screwed up. XD But yeah, I could not be more excited. I mean, I'm getting sick of only having collarbones--though collarbones are awesome. XD


So I heard about this grapefruit thing, reading SophiaRuins' blog archives. So I've been attempting to get myself to eat one grapefruit a day. So I cut it into eighths and have one piece every other hour (I think I've said this before, I can't remember. XD). So anyway, today I've done excellently for the first time. ^^ So far, eaten nothing but my grapefruit pieces. I just skipped one, so I don't know how that's going to go over, but I'm just basically testing myself. So I get to have another one at 8:30.

I'm so happy with myself today. Practically euphoric. ^^ Maybe this is a new beginning for me. A new start. A skinny start. ^^

Maybe there IS a god...?

Ok, wow, so last night I was all "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!!!!"

But today, my mother has pleasantly surprised me. After my panic over going early, she checked her schedule for work again, and now we're going on the 19th. That's two whole days more than I would have had if we had stuck to the original plan and gone on the 17th. Honestly, I have never loved my mom more than I do at this moment. Sometimes she just doesn't get it, but sometimes she really surprises me and shows me just how much she does understand my crazy ways. I don't think she would understand if I told her about this blog or anything, but she understands my extremely low self-esteem, and does a lot to help me lose weight. Even though she thinks I'm 'skinny'. Er... no.

So today, we had one grapefruit left. I cut it up into eighths and am going to have one every two hours. I have roughly an hour left until my next one, but I'm pretty ok. Of course, that could be the fact I had about 40-50 cals of junk about forty minutes ago, but hey. I'm not going to throw the day away like I usually do. Usually if I eat something bad or go off my plan, I just say "Well hell, the day is screwed now anyway, so I might as well eat EVERYTHING!". But y'know, I'm not going to do that today. I'm stronger than that, and I damn well know it.

This morning I woke up at 137. I have been hanging out at 139-140, because my willpower and self-control went to shit, but hey, 137 is an extremely pleasant surprise. Of course, I just went back and weighed again and it's 139, but I'm just going to keep clinging to 137. I'm in a bit of an optimistic mood today, which I'm hoping won't screw me over by making me believe in miracles. Like "Oh, if I eat thirty-four pizzas and ten cheeseburgers, I won't gain weight. In fact, I'll lose! :D" Of course, it's optimism. Not stupidity. There IS a difference. XD

So since hearing jumping jacks burn one calorie per jack, I've been planning on doing 200 a day, slowly building up to 500-1000. Not all at once, mind you. Spread out. XD! Of course, if they're all at once, that would just be awesome, but... I don't think I'm quite there yet. XD So yeah, I'm working on that. Plus, for the past five days I've been walking two miles a day. It's not much, but at least I'm finally getting myself out and getting a bit of exercise done.

A few days ago (Can't remember when, exactly...) I said I was giving up coffee for a week. Er... I'm thinking about running in the kitchen and making myself some. XD I want some so bad, but I just... nyeh. I want to be good. D: But coffee always makes me less hungry, so... I dunno. D: Trying to decide if it's worth finishing my coffee-less challenge or drinking some and perhaps not having the urge to eat as much.

Eh, I'll just go for it. XD I've done well for several days now, and that's good enough. XD

So yeah, I noticed I've got a few new followers again. If I don't follow any of you guys, leave me a link to your blogs and I'll go follow you. Like I've said before, I don't comment a lot, but I do always read. Plus, I'm trying to get a little better at the not-commenting thing. ^^

Emergency fast--effective IMMEDIATELY

My mom has just sprung on me that we might be going to my grandparents' house THIS WEEKEND.

I can't. I'm fat. I'm horribly, horribly fat, I can't go and see them, see my friends. I'm fatfatfatfat!!!!!

So I'm fasting. Completely. I might or might not have my rice cakes. I might just go on water alone. I'm panicking! I'm completely panicking. I have to exercise like crazy, stop eating. STOP EATING, YOU FAT COW!!!!

I literally panicked the moment my mom told me. I can't do this. I can't lose enough by this weekend! What am I going to do?!

Fuck you, how do you like me NOW?!

My dad is a douchebag fuckface when it comes to weight. He's the type that can stay skinny as hell, even when he eats like crap. Unfortunately, I took the 'fat' genes from each side of the family. The females on my dad's side of the family are short, with short, chunky legs and short, stubby fingers. On my mom's side of the family, they're basically the same. So surprise, surprise, I got that too. Fortunately, my fingers aren't extremely short and stubby, but they're not long and graceful, either. However, my legs ARE short and chunky. But I digress.

So I've been adhereing to my two rice cake a day diet (yesterday and most of today), and nobody's noticed yet. But just a few minutes ago, my head was hurting and I was shaking, so I went and got a piece of bread with a little bit of jelly on it. Well, my dad glances at it and is like "Why the hell are you eating when I'm making supper in two hours?" and I'm like "...It's just half a sandwich... I've hardly eaten anything all day..." and he's like "So you're just going to undo all the weight you've lost in the past few months?" Ok, so that pissed me off. I wanted SO bad to tell him to go screw himself. But no, I'm going to do something better. I'm going to finish my half a sandwich and then redouble my willpower. I'm not going to eat supper tonight or any other night. Once I'm thin and frail that fucktard will be BEGGING me to eat, and I'll just throw it back in his face like "Oh, and undo all my hard work of the past few months? Sorry, don't think so."

So fuck you, take THAT!

Questions, answers, and the woes of yakking. ._.

I just had a very weird experience.

I woke up, I ate my fourth of rice cake, took my multis and then sat down to work on my novel. Well, I haven't brought myself completely out of binge-mode yet (How could I? It's only been a couple of days...), and I was craving scrambled eggs on toast like you wouldn't believe. So I held out for a while, sipped on my ice water (I decided to give up coffee and tea for a week), but finally I just couldn't take it. I figured one slice of bread (100) and an egg (70) wouldn't really hurt much--I could just cut out the rest of my rice cake pieces, right? ... Right? Of course! Now let me go stuff my face!

So I made it and ate it and immediately felt nauseous. I was like 'Ok, it'll pass... wow, that's uncomfortable...' but then, I knew that if I didn't get to the restroom RIGHT NOW, I was going to hurl all over my keyboard. So I went and I yakked. And as a word of caution, please refrain from yakking after taking a cayenne supplement. .____. It just made the whole experience that much more unenjoyable. I mean, besides the fact the bread was in a lumpy mess. .__.

But anyway, that's totally weird, because nothing like that's ever happened before. I'm semi-grateful, because I think I got up at least 75-90% of the bread and eggs, and they hadn't really had time to settle at all, so I shouldn't have gotten many calories from the part I did get up.

I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's linked to the fact I took too many fiber supplements. (It said to take two, and I took... four, I think. Stupid, I know.) But whatever it is, it's weird, it's over, and let's hope it doesn't happen again. I like my teeth and don't want to puke them out.

As for the Q&A I offered yesterday, only Africana asked me anything. :3 So just in case y'all didn't see it yesterday, the offer still stands. :P

"I have a question! What motivates you? How would you define your goal? And what is something about you that no one knows?

Okay, that was questions but still...I love when people share. :)"

Hmm... I think most of my motivation comes from the fact I've been 'overweight' for as long as I can remember. I can't even remember when I was actually in the 'normal' BMI range. So now all I want is to remember a good, long stretch in the low-normal/high-underweight range. Another one of my motivators is my boyfriend. We've never actually met in-person, though we're planning on something this spring. I don't want him to see me like this--I can't. So that gives me gigantic motivation whenever I think about it.
As for my goal, I just define it as a place I can finally look in the mirror and smile. A place I can feel happy and confident--where I can stop hiding behind baggy t-shirts and baggy jeans. Honestly, I really don't know where that place will be, exactly. I'll definitely know it when it comes, though.
Something about me nobody knows... now if I told you, somebody would know, yes? ;P Kidding... er.... well, one thing that only like one or two people know or suspect is I'm actually an extremely sensitive person. I kind of try to act like I don't care what people say about me, and I don't really need anybody to like/love me, but actually I do care--a lot. It's not that huge of a secret, but hey, whatever. XD

Until next time, ladies!

I'm so out of the swing of things.

It's like my little binge weeks and what-not have completely destroyed any self-control I might have possibly been gaining.

When I told you guys I was going to fast, I did fast. For a day, and then I started eating again. I'm currently up to 138. Thirteen days left until we go see my grandparents. I've given up my plans for 125, and am hoping for 130 at best, but it's most likely going to wind up as about 133-135. IF I can get myself back under control.

So my new diet? Two rice cakes a day. Cut into fourths, so that's eight little pieces I can have. And at 35 calories each, that's 70 calories per day. And I've started my vitamins again. Usually, getting back on those lets me lose and keep off maybe a pound or two. I don't know what it is, but it works so I'm not going to question it. Much. :P

How do you ladies get yourselves back on track? Just an iron will? Or is there a way you ease yourself back into things?


Also, sometimes I feel like I'm kind of... cold and impersonal here on my blog. I mean, you guys are great to follow it, even though you don't know a thing about me.
So to remedy this situation, ask me any question you want. Anything at all, and I'll answer all the questions in my next blog post. XD Ought to be interesting. :P

Oh, and if you follow me, and I don't follow you, leave me a link to your blog, and I'll go check it out, and more than likely follow you back. ^^ I don't comment much, but I do sometimes. But I do always read. :P

FML.

I didn't get to fast completely yesterday. I screwed it up.

See, someone forgot to inform me that we were going to a relative's house for dinner. So when we got there, it was a steak dinner. I was just sitting there thinking "Wtf, you bitches." So we all gathered around the table, and first I cut my steak into itty bitty pieces. Then I took a sip of water. And then I began. I chewed each tiny bite thirty times, and after three bites took a sip of water. I was slow, and thought about each bite as I put it into my mouth. I figured "Hey, if I eat slow enough, maybe they'll be done before I even have a fourth of this bastard!" But no. Even though I kept going slow, it's like something in my brain shut down. So the final tally was half a steak, a large baked potato (With only butter, thank god--they had cheese and bacon bits and all that other ungodly stuff, but I resisted.) and two slices of bread. No dessert, thank the lord. I was PISSED at myself, so I forced myself to mostly stand for the rest of the time we were there.

And then we came home. The electricity was out, because of a storm. Well ok, that's all well and good. So we sat around with lanterns and stuff, just talking. By the time everyone else went to bed, I wasn't even sleepy. So I read for a while, prowled around the house, and somehow wound up in the kitchen. Crackers, ham and cheese. I don't even know what I was thinking.

So my fast starts AGAIN today. I'm currently working on my first cup of coffee, planning on having another one later, plus a lot of hot tea and water. I've also already brushed my teeth twice, because I was thinking about eating, so I figured I'd try that little trick.

I'm going to make it this time. I've got to. It's only eighteen days before we leave, and I HAVE to lose weight. I have to.

I'm fasting today, plus maybe tomorrow and the next day. It's like a little test for myself, just so I can see exactly how long I can hold out. It should be interesting, anyway.

I slept last night.

You have no idea how giddy that makes me feel. :D Because now I'm fairly certain I won't wander into the kitchen in a half-asleep stupor and inhale everything in sight. <_<

Though I am kind of pissed because my weight did some kind of odd rebound shit, so I'm back at 137. I have a feeling it's because I stopped exercising as soon as I hit 135. Like "Ok, ok, ENOUGH already! I deserve me a break!" Nooooo, Bre, you don't deserve a break, dear. Fatasses don't deserve a rest. All you deserve is exercising MORE. So I guess that's what I'm gonna do.

So I've got myself into a new plan. OMG, we've all heard this one before. But I swear, I'm going to keep myself on it if it kills me. See, my mom has a lot of weight to lose too (She's my height and like 170-180 or something. o_o) so she decided we would start a new plan together. I was a biiiiit hesitant before she told me about it, because she's a nurse and a huge advocate of 'healthy eating' and '1200 calories a day is a weight-loss plan'! But when she started telling me about it, I was like "Dude, I can cut out this... and this... and here, too! HAHAHA!"

See, her plan was a portion-control sort of thing. To force us to keep correct portions, we got those microwaveable dinners. And then she was planning on like, veggie stir-fries, salads and stuff. Plus for snacks, she got like cereal and stuff. So when we went to get the dinners, I gave myself a strict limit of 350 calories per dinner. I managed to keep it at about 320 and under--most came in at about 260-280! And then I decided I'd cut out pretty much everything but the dinners, a salad and a half-portion of cereal (Which, with the kind I got is about 60 cals, sans milk). So that's going to keep me probably under 500 calories a day. Thing is, we forgot to get the salad stuff, so even though salads are low-cal when made the right way, I still don't have to worry about those few extra calories. *smirks* I just REALLY started that today (Shrimp alfredo--260 calories!!) and I'm going to forget the cereal until like 8:00-10:00 tonight, because that's when I seem to go into 'IMMA BINGE!' mode. =_=; I'm going to make this work, guys. It's gonna work.

As for the exercise, I went through a bunch of magazines I had piled up, mostly those magazines that promise THIRTY POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS WITH THIS ALL-NEW DIET PLAN!!!!!! but they usually have good exercises, so I cut out a bunch of the exercises and stored them in a binder. So now I have a go-to place when I just want an exercise to do. Plus, I walk or run a bit every day. And yesterday, I discovered an awesome way to exercise even more. See, I own a horse, and yesterday, I jumped up on her bareback, and ladies, if that doesn't make your legs work, nothing will. XD Plus, it works on balance and stuff, and it's just damn fun too! So I'm fairly confident I'm at least doing enough to maintain. All I have to do is step it up and I'll get back on the loss train.

December 17th is coming up fast! I'm hopinghopinghoping I can be at 125 by then. I don't think I'm going to make 120, but I can try. I'm just keeping it in the back of my head, though, because I don't want to discourage myself. I'm about 65% certain I can hit 125, though.

Who fails? I do! : D

It's taken me this freaking long to lose seven lousy pounds? I faiiiiil. D: But at least I lost it and I'm back in the saddle agaiiiiin. And I hope you guys caught that little joke, or I'll just fail at life in general. XD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6dx8AfTmQk

But anyway, yes, 135 and I still have the urge to smash my mirror. :D It keeps showing me this huge fat girl. Even though I still have fat all over my stomach, it's weird because I have a little bit of definition down the sides, and a little dent beside my hipbone--which gives me hope that my hipbones might actually start sticking out within the next 5-10 lbs.

A couple days ago, I was walking through the woods, and just started running for the heck of it. Let me tell you, if you start running, then lose about 25-30 lbs and then try running again... god, there's nothing like it. I felt like I was FLYING. It was amazing, and I need to go do it again.

By the way, I am soooo sorry if I'm rambling majorly right now. I haven't slept in the past three nights. Fricking insomnia. x_-;

I can't really think of everything else I was going to say. I'll probably think of it by tomorrow, though. XD

It's been a bad few days...

I've been binging like crazy these past few days.

I'm guessing it's because that 'time of the month' is coming up. But that's really no excuse.

I don't even know what I weigh right now. I haven't even had the heart to step on the scales.

Anyway, I have a date for the trip to my grandparents'. I think my mom said either the 17th or the 14th of next month. That gives me plenty of time. I want to be at least 125 by then--120 if I can manage it. However, I won't be able to manage anything but 200 unless I get myself UNDER CONTROL.

So I'm leaving until I get down to 135. If by some miracle I'm already 135 (remind me... HOW am I still an optimist?), I'm staying away until I'm 130.

Also, I'm going completely raw veggies only for three days, and then attempting a week on the Master Cleanse. I told my mom about it--all wide-eyed and 'OMG, I just want to lose, like, five more pounds--I think I'll be at a happy place there'--and she was all "Ok... if you want to... but only for three days, and you have to eat something if you start feeling weird." HAHAHAHA as if. I'm making one modification, though: no salt water flush. I know, I know, it's supposed to be really good... but I've heard it's also really easy to poison yourself with it. I'm kind of leery of it, so I'll be sticking with just my 'Premium Chinese (Or is it Japanese...?) Slimming Tea'. Delicious--no, really, it is. XD

So yeah, I'll see you guys later--probably on the other side of the Cleanse... oh, lord, let it work...

Stay strong, starve on. xoxo

Ok, I cannot take myself seriously anymore. Any time I plan on fasting, I always think "Maybe I can just have ____... just so my metabolism doesn't shut down? :D" so today I've had two salads--one fatass salad (with cheese, dressing ((At least it was italian...16 cals in the serving I had)), and steak chunks) and one completely dry, veggie only--and a bologna sandwich... on WHITE bread. And mayo! UGH!

I'm sick and tired of my fatass self being so... food addicted or whatever the hell I am!

So now I'm going to create some rules for myself. And a list of 'never to be eaten again' foods, and a list of 'safe' foods. Tomorrow, I'm keeping myself at 1-2 dry salads. No more fatassery from me. As for tonight... cold shower + no more food. And I'll be sleeping on the floor again and I'll call that part of my 'punishment'.

And yes, I am sleeping on the floor. XD I started cleaning my room yesterday, and as my bed just happened to be a large, flat surface... I sorted all my laundry out on it. Since I didn't get the floor completely clean, I didn't want to put the laundry back down and lost in the shuffle... so I put me in the floor. XD

I never said I was the most logical one of the bunch. =X But for tonight, it'll suit my purposes beautifully.

As for the cold shower, I'm going to start out at body temperature and slowly go until it's so cold I can barely take it, shower as slowly as I can, and then run a bath and stay there for... oh, an hour I guess. I'm going to go start soon so I don't talk myself out of it.

My goal by the end of this week is 130. Who's gonna actually reach her goal this time? I am! :D (Maybe <_<;) And I changed the slider on my weight ticker up there to a turtle a couple days ago--I think it's quite accurate. :P

---

And as for the comments about my dog yesterday, thank you, guys! XD He is an adorable little cuddlebug. :P He goes by many names... but he was originally named Pedro. XD But we mostly call him Peedee. :P

My boyfriend wants to see me dance like a slut. XDDD

I'm flattered, really, but... that just ain't gonna happen. I have too much wiggle in my walk, if you know what I mean. =_=; Just... rrrrgh. DX

But yes, lolfastfail. I keep doing this. So I'm redoing my plan. Since I seem to have trouble sticking to my fasts, I'm thinking it might be because I'm trying to do too much at once. So I'm going on a fast-eat-fast-eat-fast-eat-eat plan. Three fast days a week should be plenty to start me out. So I'm on an eat day right now, because the plan I just outlined up there starts at Sunday and ends on Saturday. So I'm fasting tomorrow, I guess. >_>; Ten bucks says I don-- fuck me. XD Ok, right, I need my positivity back.

On a positive note, I'm currently blogging without glancing over my shoulder every few seconds and thinking someone's about to come through my mom's bedroom door! : D Or past my chair at all! I usually have my computer in the living room. We have this little stretch of wall between my mom's bedroom door and the fireplace, and that's where my chair is. And it's just far enough away from the wall for someone to see the screen if they come through and look at it. If I was farther back, like right against the wall, I don't think that could be done as well. But as it is, I'm so paranoid I switch screeens anytime I even hear someone BREATHE in my mom's room. XD Which really gets tiring after a while.

So right now I'm sitting in my room (with spotty connectivity! Argh!), because my parents have someone coming over and didn't want my chihuahua attacking--he's been known to bite, plus he's LOUD. XDDDD

This is him. : P I have a better picture... somewhere... but I have no idea where. XD So yes, there's my fat little 8-year-old chihuahua. : P He's so adorable, yes? XDDD

I think that's all for now. So later, ladies! Stay strong! xoxo

Haha, take THAT!

Back down to my low weight. Stick THAT in your juice box and drink it, rice! x] I was totally expecting some kind of gain from my minibinge, but lo and behold, it was a -2 lbs since I'd last weighed... though I'm not sure that was yesterday... maybe day before? XDDD I dunno. I'm just glad I have one of those scales that keeps your last weight and shows you exactly how much you've lost since then. :P

By the way, am I the only one who finds the song Body Language by Jesse McCartney oddly thinspirational? I dunno... it just makes me suddenly have this drive to be skinny--plus whenever I hear it, I just can't help but dance, or at least tap my foot along. XD Which is why I made a thinspo video to it--the first one on YouTube, actually. o:




Enjoy it--I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. XD



So yes, I am fasting today! And I'm rocking it! I'm not going to allow myself to fail this time.

Stay strong! xoxo

Rice is officially on the 'demon spawn' list, along with pasta. At least it was brown rice. Fasting tomorrow! IDON'TCAREWHATMYFUCKINGBODYWANTSITWILLNOTHAVEIT!

King of the world

Haha, Anastasia, I love your idea. XDDD

Or maybe I should make a whole new blog... on a different account, of course... that details every little movement my cats make every day... "Oh, look! He's going to the litter box! Isn't that CUTE?! Now he's turning backflips! And licking his weiner!" Photos included! :D I swear to God, the look on his face would be PRICELESS. XDDDD Of course, then he'd realize I've just completely turned the bend--gone off the deep end, you might say. :D

I have no idea what my brain is doing right now. XD Coffee on a completely empty stomach always seems to make me crazy. XDDD Of course, I have absolutely NO plans to fill this empty stomach, so never fear!

But yus, I think my best bet would be to make a bogus account and a bogus blog. Because he knows me well enough to know my writing style, so I couldn't just hand him any old boring blog I find--I'd have to create it. :P The 'writer' in me is actually looking forward to it!


Ok, now as for food... I'm starting the three-day fast part of my fast-fast-eat-fast-fast-fast-eat program. I am going to cling to not eating with every little piece of me I can muster. I'm NOT going to fail. Last night while I was journaling, I realized I start out everything I do expecting to eventually fail. I figured... maybe it's been like a self-fullfilling prophecy. Maybe if I try going in with the mindset "I'm going to breeze through this", I actually will. It's a thought, anyway. :P

Also part of this new mindset is becoming more organized! I need to go to town, buy some binders and stuff and buy a desk--since I'm homeschooled, I could actually graduate high school by this summer if I knuckle down. I'm only 16, and then I could have about a year and a half to prepare myself for college so I can knock 'em dead. Lately I've just been kind of slacking off on that, but remember this new mindset! I'm going to get 'er done, once and for all.

The pessimist part of me keeps telling me "You know, you're always so gung-ho about stuff when you start it... but then you slack off..." It's going to take some doing to shut that little voice up.

And hopefully, keeping myself busy with everything will keep my mind off food. I'm going to be at least 115 by spring break! Count on that! And I'm also going to be 125 by the end of the month!

Thankfully, my mom has decided to postpone our trip to see my grandparents, but I'm still working under the assumption that we might still go then, so I better lose a lot of weight. I'm also trying to lose the weight because now I don't know WHEN she's planning on going, and she really won't say anything, so I'm trying to lose a bunch of weight so when/if she just suddenly springs on me "Oh, by the way, we're leaving next week" I won't have to panic, because I'll know I'm losing at my maximum capacity. (Wow, run-on sentences are fun. :D) I'm hoping to be at least 12o by the time that happens, though. XD

I'm serious now, ladies. And I'm running full-steam ahead to my goals--nothing's going to ever stand in my way again.

With love,

Me

FML

My boyfriend is asking for a link to my blog. He doesn't know about my 'food issues', but somehow he knows I have a blog. I'm going to kill my bff if he's the one who told. Because I mistakenly told HIM about it when I first started it. But thankfully never told him what it was about. So right at this very moment I am trying to throw my boyfriend off of my blog.

He says (7:04 PM):
*... *didn't know you had a blog* o__o
Me says (7:04 PM):
*What?
He says (7:05 PM):
*Wasn't told for a reason? xD
(I totally didn't panic at this point and start this post)
Me says (7:06 PM):
*I actually thought I told you. XDDD
He says (7:06 PM):
*... Srsly? xD I don't remember a link, at least
Me says (7:06 PM):
*Nawwww, it's boring. XDDDD
He says (7:07 PM):
*Awwwr, come now xD
Me says (7:07 PM):
*It's really boring. Srsly. XD

And that's as far as it's gotten. I'm still formulating what else I could say once he responds. I mean... what do I say that won't make him suspicious that something's wrong?!

Maybe I just oh-so-slyly change the subject. : D

But still, he knows now. And whate if he brings it up again?

FML. FML. FML!

I feel so inspired~

http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2009/10/supermodels-who-arent-superthin#slide=1

Inspired to gag!

I mean, why are all these fat women posing semi-nude? WHAT?!

I'm sick of all the "It's ok to be fat, America! LOVE URSELF!!!!" crap. Fa'real. Because then they just turn right around and worship the skinnies. Nobody loves somebody who jiggles like a bowl of jello when they walk.

"All it takes is confidence... pride in who you are... inner beauty! Because beauty is only skin deep. D;" WHAT. A. LOAD. OF. BULL. Nobody gives a crap about your confidence in yourself--I mean, they won't even bother getting to know you unless you're skinny. They just pretend not to see you if you're fat--or befriend you so they look skinnier standing next to you.

My mom is fond of spouting the line "Attraction isn't physical--it's about your personality!" Well if someone's going to be attracted to your personality, they first have to be attracted to your body, right? Because if they're like "Oh my god, look! A walking whale!" they're not going to want to get to know you or your personality, so that point is just kind of... no.


On a different note, I binged last night. =_=; It's like after that damn bowl of pasta, I just threw everything out the window--all bets were off, and my mouth was running for food. Three pumpkin muffins, MORE pasta, plus more pumpkin seeds than I'd planned on. My only saving grace was that I overdid the cayenne pepper on my seeds, so they were spicy as all hell, so hopefully that gave my metabolism a kick up the ass. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I'm pretty much fasting today. Today was supposed to be an 'eat' day, but I figured I had that yesterday. I'm going to have a salad tonight and that's IT. And then I have three fast days coming up tomorrow--which I'm probably going to ruin, but I'm going to get as far as I can into them. I mean, I finally completed a fast day before yesterday... who's to say I can't do it again? Just a few minutes at a time... plus gum and Sprite Zero. I swear to God, I worship that combo right now.

I also had my vitamins--discovering in the process why they say to take the cayenne pill with food. OW. But (TMI!) it gave me slight diarrhea, so that's a yay(I guess...? XD). They said to take three a day, spaced with your meals... so I have two more times of that. Though my third is going to be with my salad, so it probably won't affect me like that.
I also discovered some fiber pills--they're like 16 cals per two pills, though. They're that 'Fiber Choice' stuff. I figured I'd try them for a few days, too. I mean, fiber is always welcome. XD

Also, I read in SophiaRuins' blog that she tried that 'cold water makes you burn calories' stuff and that it worked. Umm... I tried it, too. XD I didn't make it even ten seconds. I was just standing there, counting slowly, attempting to make it to at LEAST thirty seconds before I leapt away, but I just couldn't hang. ._. Our water comes from a well... and it gets damn COLD out there! XDDD So the water was basically just about 10-20 degrees away from freezing. ._. So then I tried adding in a bit of warm water, just to bring up the temperature slightly so I could actually stand under it and get some results... and I made it thirty seconds. ._. Somehow, I doubt that's really doing anything for me. I'm going to keep trying though, definitely.

I've also discovered a new hobby--dancing like a total slut in the privacy of my bedroom. x] Fun way to burn calories! I'm just glad nobody can see--nobody likes to see a fat girl dance. Especially with all the dips and hip wiggling I do. XD And as Lola recommended a few posts back, I keep those arms above my head--at least every other song, for the entire song--and I feel the burn. I couldn't even pick up my can of diet soda after the first time I did that. XD I was like "...seriously? Am I really this weak? Are my muscles THIS out of tone? SERIOUSLY?!" It's still difficult, and I can't say that it's getting much easier, but hey, it's only been a few days. XD So, Lola, I love you, girl! In a totally platonic way, of course. ;P

I've also gotten into a rhythm of drinking a LOOOOT of water--which means a LOOOOOT of bathroom breaks. And so I had a brilliant idea: I would try doing tricep dips again, from the edge of my bathtub. Surprise: I felt it in my arms instead of my thighs. (Though I still feel it slightly in my thighs... a twofer? : D ) SCORE! So now I do ten tricep dips after every time I use the bathroom. I love being homeschooled, so I can do stupid crap like that. XD
I guess my arms just weren't on a low enough point the first times I tried doing it... Whatever, it's working now, so that's what I care about. XD Been thinking about adding in ten situps to that too. I can do them from my bed, with a pretty flat pillow under my back and head, and still feel the burn, so that's where I'm starting from. I've just gotta build up. x]

I'm going to go ahead and end this really long post now. I love you guys! Stay strong, think thin, etc! xoxo

I did it. I really did it. I made it through. I made it through a full day and most of a second day fasting. I just finished a bowl of pasta though. Once again, damn pasta. To hell. Etc. I mean, it's just so... delicious. Why are all delicious things so damn terrible?! It's not fair, I tell you! Why can't we make something delicious that's like, 0-cal or something? Well... diet soda is delicious and 0-cal... but when are they gonna make 0-cal pasta/chocolate/pizza or ANYTHING?! DX

I lost a pound this morning. o: I wonder how much I'll have lost tomorrow--I hope it's enough to get me back to 137. I did get up to 139 before my fast and was like "IF I BREAK 140 AGAIN, I WILL TAKE A KNIFE AND CARVE ALL THIS FAT OUT OF MY BODY. -_-;"

God, you have no idea how much I'm craving chocolate. I'll have to get chocolate soy milk next time I go to the store. <_<>_> I've usually been just getting vanilla, because it's only 70 calories per cup, but I'm just going to have to damn the extra 30 calories and have my chocolate. ._. Safest kind I can get, I guess. ._.

So I have a bunch of pumpkin seeds in the fridge right now, along with some fresh pumpkin. I need to do something with them. XD I'm roasting the seeds, just to try them out. But how many calories would that be? o_O I just looked it up (Praise be to Google!) and it says about 2-3 calories per seed. Though it is telling me they're full of protien and fiber... so does that offset the slightly high calorie count? Huh. Maybe. I can probably have a bit if I do wind up roasting them. Not many, but maybe a few.

Stay strong! xoxo

I'm just taking this day in 15-minute increments. Somehow, it's helping. I just go "Get through this 15 minutes and it'll all be ok. Just get through it." and just thinking that gets me through to the next section of the day without eating.

My fast is going hard, but I'm not eating. I can't afford to.

I did have one moment where I thought I was going to eat something--anything! But I just had this little gut feeling that if I even had something itsy-bitsy, I was going to go back for more... and more... and more. So I was standing in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, thinking about eating this... or that... or... oh, fuck, I can't! At one point I had a rice cake out of the bag and was going to eat it, but I just looked at it for a second. My stomach was saying "Come on... just eat it... it's only 35 calories, after all--it can't hurt anything! Just eat it!" But I somehow managed to put it back, wrap the bag up neatly and made myself a cup of tea. Oolong is <3. Plus it's supposedly 'slimming'. So whatever. XD Also, I had a teaspoon of worchestershire sauce while I was waiting for the water to heat up. 0 calories, plus it tastes strong enough that it helped me convince my stomach that I didn't need anything. Hopefully, I won't have any more moments like that today.

I am officially panicking.

Seriously.

Like, two weeks until we go see the grandparents and I have lost zilch In fact, I've gained a fucking pound. So that's thirteen lbs I have to lose in about TWO WEEKS. This is an EMERGENCY.
SO I am revamping my eating plan. I'm keeping to my 'fast' plan (Two fast, one eat, three fast, one eat, repeat), but on my eat days, I'm going to have a STRICT limit of 400 calories. Plus my exercise plans. I am going to be SO pissed/depressed if I have to go as the fat cow I am. I can't do that. I have to be perfect, I have to lose this weight.

I'm panicking. Full-fledged panicking. So I'm going to stop writing now, and I'm going to go exercise like a maniac.

My mother irritates me.

I love her, but she irritates me. She's always on her 'pity wagon', plus always nagging at me to 'do this, do that... no wait, don't do that, do this instead... ah, hell, do both!'

She's always complaining about how I don't 'do anything for her', when I generally do my chores and whatever else she asks unless I'm sick or about to faint, as I have been for a couple days, so admittedly, I have let a little slack by me, but still.
She was complaining about how I didn't do the dishes last night, or iron any clothes. I was about to explode, because she's been nagging ALL MORNING about it.
Well I'm sorry I hurt my foot last night, so standing on it--when it's painful just sitting!--to do freaking dishes and iron stupid clothes wasn't utmost on my mind. I'm sorry I nearly fainted in the shower. I'm sorry I don't jump and run at the snap of your fingers. I'm sorry I'm a pathetic excuse for a daughter, and I'm sorry you had to get stuck with me!

Bleh. Sorry about that. I just had to get it out. It's just so... uuuuugh.

I ate again. =_=; My dad cooked lunch, and I had like... three teaspoons, plus a tiny slice of garlic bread. I'm actually kind of proud of myself, because I did get a reasonable amount of food, just to make them not realize, but I sat there (Because luckily, since it was lunch, we didn't eat around the table), ate a tiny little spoonful, pretended to eat a few more, nibbled at my tiny slice of bread, ate another tiny spoonful... etc. So by the time I had my third spoonful and finished the bread, it had been about twenty minutes, which I figured was a reasonable amount of time to keep them in the dark, so I was like "Oh, that was delicious!" and then, since I was alone in the kitchen, scraped the rest into the dog's bowl, which the cats and the dog immediately swallowed in about four seconds. Maybe I should feed them more, if they're starving to death like that. XD

I am kind of pissed that I CAN'T FREAKING FAST PROPERLY, though. I HAVE to lose twelve pounds in three weeks. I HAVE to. And this foot HAS to heal so I can walk like a person instead of a duck. =_=;
I mean, I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my stomach is getting a tiny little bit of definition, so it's not just this huge blob of fat hanging down... it's a huge blob of fat with definition! : D
I swear, I would be happy as a flea on a hound dog if I could LOSE MY ARMS. I swear to God, I don't think I've lost ANYTHING off them, even from my high weight. I've started doing those tricep dip things, where you hold onto the edge of the seat of a chair and dip down. You know what I'm talking about? XD Yeah, anyways, I've started doing those. But I only feel anything in my freaking thighs. I mean, what the hell?! They're not even INVOLVED! So now I'm doing some work with dumbells too, just PRAYING it'll tighten up some before we go. DX
I'd really love losing my legs, too. I'm starting to be just a bit happier with them--my knees are actually less puffy than they were two weeks ago, so that's making me happydance. XD But still. I just feel like a fat girl trying to masquerade as a skinny chick and not quite making it.

I mean, at what point does 'normal' society stop seeing someone as 'fat' or 'overweight' and start seeing them as 'skinny'? Because, yeah, I'd like to reach that point so I can move on from there instead of trying to make it down from an obese whale.

I'm not having a very good day today. Even though I've screwed up every fast period and eaten... today, I'm extremely dizzy whenever I stand up, plus my vision does that really trippy 'fade-to-black' thing. I actually almost passed out once. I was in the kitchen trying to fix a cup of tea. I was feeling really nauseous and dizzy, so I sat down. My vision faded down to black and I thought I was going to really and truly pass out that time. After about thirty seconds, my vision came back, and I was fine, except my hands were tingling. That really freaked me out, because nothing like that's ever happened before. So since today's an eat day, I'm making the most of it and eating probably more than I should, but I don't want to experience that again soon. Today's tally is one salad, three 70-cal pudding cups, one bologna sandwich and for supper I'm planning on having a biscuit with bacon and tomato and another salad, plus some Jello I currently have setting in the fridge. Not exactly vegetarian today, but I'm cheating since I really don't want to completely pass out this early in the game, which would make my parents extremely suspicious.

I'm still at 137, but that's fine, because I didn't really expect to lose a pound in one day. XD I'm content to hang out here for today and then start losing again. I'm REALLY wanting to be 135 by Saturday. Since that's only 2 lbs, I could probably barely squeak in, but I guess we'll see. XD
I'm tentatively estimating I could be down to 125 by the time we make the trip to my grandparents', but I might lose a little more, maybe a little less. It's about two and a half weeks, maybe three until we're planning on going, and I'm absolutely positive I can at least get down to 130 by that point. 125 might be just a little out of my reach, but I'm going to come as close as possible, and maybe get to that point WHILE I'm there. : P

Also, I've discovered I really enjoy making Thinspo videos. It's fun and keeps my mind away from food for a little while. On my sidebar, I have a video I made a week ago, plus one I finished today. Check 'em out, let me know how I'm doing with them--I know they probably suck, but I'm just barely starting out. : P (if you wanted to add me on YouTube, I'm somedayperfection16)

Last, but most certainly not least, I wanted to give a big ol' hug to my new followers! I applaud your bravery in wanting to read all my ramblings. : P
And in answer to Aimee's question, yeah, I use a scale--I just want a measuring tape so I can know my measurements. (P.S. Go follow her blog, ladies! She needs more followers!)

If I can find the measurements I took at my high weight, I'll post them plus my current measurements. : P

Until next time! xoxo

o_o

I am officially at...



THE HALFWAY POINT.



Like, no shit. 35 lbs lost, 35 left to go. OH MY GOD. I am... Freaking out. This is HEYYYUGE. Well, not as HEYYYUGE it'll be once there's 70 lost and 0 left to go, but you get what I'm saying here. ;P
It's also kind of... scary, in some odd way. To be looking back and thinking "Damn, I really did come all this way. I'm halfway there. o:" But then you look ahead and say "And now I have all that still in front of me. OH LAWD."
If I plateau now, I'm going to stab something. =X

I am going to be SO fucking hot by spring break. >=D

Warning: Long, rambling post consisting of bones, measuring tapes, clothes, friends, heritage, and waffling about maybe posting photos of my fat self so I can have MIDWAY and AFTER photos begins NAO.

I was laying on my floor last night, and it was weird. Because usually I have a nice, soft, really gross cushion of fat all over. But last night, I could feel my hipbones against the floor. Not, like, majorly, but I could feel these two little bumps against the floor. So I stood up, made sure there was nothing under me and then layed back down. That's when I figured out what it was. XD So then I stood up and raced to my mirror. They don't stick out yet. FML. D: But I can FEEL them! And that's something, right? D:

My collarbones are also becoming more and more prominent. They started just barely peeking out when I was at about... oh, 155-160. I was like OMG I HAVE BONES. XD And so I always walked around with my shoulders held in the exact right position to make them pop forward as much as I could make them--which wasn't much. : P But now they stand out pretty well on their own, even without me walking around looking all weird. :3 The tops are pretty well hollowed--they still have a little bit to go, I think, and the bottoms are just barely starting to hollow out. I can't WAIT until it's through popping out of my fatty layers! I LOVE collarbones!

Also, my shoulderblades are starting to make an appearance. I didn't ever really pay attention to them while I was fatter, but I think they didn't stick out. Now I have two little shoulderblade bumps, especially right at the top of my shoulder, where they begin, but then they kind of make a little point down a little farther along my back.

Plus, when I move my fingers around, you can see the bones in my hand moving under the skin. XD How cool is that?! After being fat my whole life, it's pretty much amazing to me to see stuff like this, rather than my fat jiggling all over the place.

I need to measure myself. After I get a new tape measure. My old one is shot pretty much to hell. Damn mice. =_= They've nibbled all along it, plus it was stuffed in a drawer, so it's all wrinkled up. I don't think there's any hope left for the poor thing. XD I believe it's time to move on. D: Maybe I can find a really cool-looking one, rather than just basic white-with-black-numbers. : D

I've also got my outfit planned out for when we go to see my grandparents. I got this really awesome bomber jacket yesterday, so I'm going to go all 'motorcycle gang' on them. :P Tightish jeans, plain white t-shirt, my jacket... and I'm still debating about my shoes. I have these dark grey converse high-top knockoffs that have this awesome pattern of guitars across them, but meh. I dunno. XD I'll figure it out. : P Boots, maybe. But I don't think I have the right boots. Because I don't think my 'cowboy' boots'll work--though they are REALLY cute, especially when I'm riding. : P I have low-top converse knockoffs in red... but still, not really sure. XD

As for church, when I'll see my friends... I've gone all-out on that outfit. It's a shortish black skirt that hits about two inches above my knee, a white button-down, these black booties that kind of look like moccassins, my bomber jacket, plus a dark metallic gold belt. It actually all looks really cool together--I'll have to take a picture of it, both now, and when we go. Just to see if I've made any kind of dent in my weight. : P

I just want to always look really cute and SKINNY while we're there. XD Silly? Oh yus. But necessary? OH HONEY SLAP ME YES. Last time they saw me, like I said, was at my heigh weight, and I was always covering up in baggy jeans and baggy t-shirts--one of which I now wear as a nightshirt...That I'm actually still wearing now, and really should go change. XDDD But I shall finish this really long-ass blog post first! :D

I'm still really nervous, even after I connected with my old friends on Facebook yesterday--I'm just wondering if when they saw my photo, if they saw any weight loss. Because my mom had a few pictures of me at my hw on her Blackberry that I was looking at yesterday... I had NO cheekbones, my face was completely round, my thighs were even worse than they are now, my boobs were huge... I think now I can actually see a slight difference. Because now I have a jawline, my cheekbones are starting to become more prominant--My cheeks actually have this teeny-tiny hollow at the back, close to my hairline, that extends about mid-way. Can only be seen if you're really looking for it, though. XD
I love my cheekbones--I have the high Indian cheekbones. My dad's grandma was a full-blooded Cherokee Indian. I'm so glad I take after his side of the family--at least in this case. My hair is pretty dark, and my skin has this kind of olive-ish tone, though my mom's total 'white-girl' heritage really diluted the color it COULD have been (Which also makes me look REALLY sallow and sick when I get too pale =_=; ). XD I have these really dark eyes, plus, yay, the cheekbones. XD
My dad, however, looks like this total cross between Hispanic and Indian. XD He was telling us about how one time he went into a grocery store, and while he was checking out, the cashier was trying to talk to him in Spanish! XDDD I just... I swear, I wish I'd gotten my dad's hair instead of my mom's. Kind of, I guess. My mom's hair has these tight-ish curls that are kind of frizzy and all-over-the-place, with a mind of their own. My dad has fairly straight hair. FML!!! I've got loose curls that tend to frizz like mad unless I put stuff on them. XD But they look ok, once I get the frizz tamed down, so I just really don't know. XD

Also, I had this idea about posting photos of Fatty Me up, just so you guys can get a... well, not 'before' but still kind of 'fat' to 'thin' photos. I just don't know... I look SO DAMN FAT. D: So yeah, you guys choose if you want to see... I could be your reverse thinspo? :D And make you go OH GOD DAMN when you think that there was actually 35 MORE pounds packed on me. ._. I just... really don't tend to carry much extra weight well. It goes to my thighs, butt and stomach, but after it fills those out, it runs to my boobs and upper arms. Which reminds me, I need new bras. Maybe I'm down to a B-cup now. That would be deliciously AMAZING. :D I need to get myself professionally measured, because I don't have a clue how to do it properly. But... geez, that just seems embarrassing to me. I mean... how do they do it? Are you just standing there naked while this total stranger wraps a measuring tape around your boobs? DX I guess it would be better than wearing an ill-fitting bra... but still. XD I'm actually a fairly modest person! XD

Ok, ok, ending this post now. XD If you actually read this far, I love you sosososo much, and here, have many hugs. : D *hughughughughughughughughughughughug!* :D

I'm kind of sad. My boyfriend seems to be losing interest in me. :\ He's been leaving more, not talking to me as much and just... things don't feel the way they used to. I'm still very crazy about him, but he just seems to not be very crazy about me. It's like we're just drifting apart. I've tried being more interesting when we talk, but that never seems to help. I've tried a lot of things, but he doesn't really seem to respond.
So now I'm redoubling my efforts on what I KNOW will make him look at me in a new light.
We've been making plans to meet up during spring break--he hasn't asked his parents yet, even though we started talking about it at the end of August. -_-; I'm working EXTREMELY hard to reach 102 by that point, just in case it actually DOES happen. If I am skinny and beautiful, how can he resist me? But if he never works up the balls to actually ask his parents... how will it even happen in the first place?

Also, there's that trip to my grandparents' next month. I'm getting more and more nervous about it--I just really don't know if I can lose enough weight to be happy by then. And then they don't have a scale there--how will I keep myself on track?! It'll look suspicious if I take my own scale. :\ I'm just really starting to freak out about all of it.

Plus, my dad was trying to talk me out of my vegetarianism today. Excuse me? Why would I give up the one thing I can really count on to keep me out of family meals? He always cooks stuff with meat, and so I always look vaguely grossed out about it, and then get a salad or something. He was like "It's only meat--besides, I think you've lost enough weight." I just gave him this look for a second, and barely kept myself from screaming "ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?! I AM STILL FAT!!!!" but I just said "I'm wanting to stick with this for a while longer." He gave up pretty quickly after, but I don't think he's through yet.
My mom was doing the same thing. Like she was saying "As long as you avoid the fat on the meat, it should be ok." Now with her, I can pretty much just roll my eyes and she gets the message. So that's what I did. She's not big on meat, so I guess that's why she's not pushing it as much as my dad. But still, why do they see it as such a huge thing? It's irritating. My life, people. You control just about everything else I do, so don't even try to control what I put into my body--you're just trying to make me fatter. -_-;

I stopped losing. D: I've just been hanging out at 139 for the past couple of days. ._. It's kind of frustrating. D:

So on my new routine, it's an eat day. Not that that makes much of a difference, as I've ruined all the fast days so far by eating. At least it's always been something small rather than a full-out binge, but still! It makes me angry. D< I have two fast days tomorrow, so hopefully I can lose some then. I've also been exercising a bit, so that should help.

I'm not a very happy camper today. D:

I reached my first weight goal today. : D Even though I messed up last night and had pasta. DAMN pasta. DAMN IT TO HELL. Why must it be so damn tasty?! DX

But haha, IN YO' FACE, PASTA! 139, sucka'!

I almost had a heart attack this morning when I stepped on the scale. I just saw the '9' at the end and I was like "FUCKHOWDIDIGAINNINEPOUNDSFROMONEBOWLOFPASTAFUCKFUCKFUCKETYFUCK-Oh, wait... that says 1-THIRTY-9. Doi. *foreheadsmack* ...Wait. One-WHAT?! THIRTY?! AWEMAIGAWDAWEMAIGAWDAWEMAIGAWD!!!!!!!!1!" I then proceeded to dance naked around my bedroom and bathroom while singing "I WILL NEVER SEE A FOUR ON THE SCALE AGAIN!"
I am really happy I was the only one awake at the time. Otherwise, the maniacal laughter might have drawn a crowd. D: So then I grabbed a pair of sweats and cut them off into shorts, despite it being 55 degrees outside. XDDD Needless to say, I've been very good today. Only 50 calories. :D Which kind of defeats the whole 'fast' concept, but whatever--I can allow for 50 calories worth of slack. XD

So we're going to see my grandparents the week before Thanksgiving. Which means going back to the town we used to live in, and me seeing my old 'friends' when we go to church. D: Last any of them saw me, I was at my high weight (172), so they're going to be kind of "Wtf?!" anyway. XD I'm really really REALLY wanting to get down to 125 before we go, anyway. Just to add more to the "WTF?!" factor. XD
I'm already planning on getting my hair cut and dyed. :3 It's going to be like Hayley from Paramore. I was gonna get it dyed like that, too, but then I decided I was just going to do my tips and pin streaks through my bangs. Now the only question is what freaking color. DX I've been trying to decide between white, blue-ish green and red. Seriously, it's driving me crazy. I'm leaning away from red, because I have this hair magazine, and from the photos in it, red, purple and pink are fairly popular right now, and I'm not really wanting to 'blend'. :\ I want to stand out just a bit.
Plus, it would be LOVELY if I could grow like two inches. D: I'm just tired of being 5'4". DX
Ah, lawdy. XD

So I started my new exercise program today. Umm... I suck. I can only do one freaking sit-up! And with much struggling, too! DX I can do five girl pushups, though. Though I tend to only go down like half an inch after the first two. =_=; So I guess I can only do two. XD I can do five burpees, though I'm not sure I'm holding proper form all the way through. <_< I can still run about 200 yards, but I do get pretty slow on the last half. I fail at fitness. =_=;
But I'm going to keep working at it and working hard so that when we're staying with my grandparents I can be running around doing my routine and they're like "Omg, she's working so hard on this" plus then I'll be able to burn off all the fatty crap they'll be trying to stuff down my throat. =_=; I'm mainly wanting to lose a lot of weight before we go, because my grandma ALWAYS makes comments. I do realize she only loves me and is trying to help, but Jesus Christ, don't you think I'm self-consious enough without you making these little comments? I'm wondering if when we get there, she's going to make a comment like "You still have some to go, though" or something along those lines. That would REALLY piss me off. I mean, I KNOW I have a lot to go, but still! AUUUUUUGH. I'm getting really stressed out about all of it. I'm just glad it's not for a few weeks yet, so I still have time to get some work done.

Ok, so I'm starting a new fast. Two fast days, one eat day, then three fast days, then another eat day. And then it starts over. :P
I figured that since I've pretty much screwed up my other fasts, mostly right at the end, I'd just get like RARG I MUST EAT and then I eat. But it's usually been something small, like a few bites of beans or something. It still makes me feel like a failure, though. <_<;
So today is the start of the three-day stretch. And I'm gonna ROCK ITS SOCKS OFF! Rah, rah, rah!
...Yes, I am a bit hyper, thanks for noticing. :D

Oh, yeah, and I'm 140.2 lbs now. XD Lowest weight EVAR, d00ds. Like, woah. :D

Glee~

I'm going to try a two-day fast again. I feel very fat, very afraid of my scale... so I'm just gonna do it. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday morning, and it said 142. So I've just been afraid to step back on it. But tomorrow I will, after I have a fast day behind me and one ahead.

I kind of like fasting, actually. It takes away all the trouble of calorie counting. :P Plus I just love that empty feeling and the growl that just kind of starts tiny and slowly builds up to a deep growl that pulls across your entire stomach. If you know what I mean. XDDD

I love that shirt, but it makes me look bigger than I am. D: I guess I could add a belt or something on top, but I just didn't feel like it today. :P After all, I was only going to the lake to take pictures. XDDD But yes, this is one of the ones I took today--one of my favorites, except for some others I took of myself, but they have my face or I would show them to y'all. D:

Today, I actually took some of the best pictures of me ever. Most pictures of me from the past are candids, so they look stupid. And these I took today aren't even staged THAT much, as I only had an autotimer on my camera, so I just barely had time to rush in front and position myself. XD So they're not candid, but they're not staged-staged either. They're my favorites right now. XD
Do you like my Little Red Bracelet, by the way? (Even though you probably didn't even notice it until I pointed it out, and even now probably can't tell much about it. :P) I made it two days ago. It's a few red glass beads with a silver dragonfly charm. It's fairly simple, but it's actually really adorable. I feel kind of funny wearing it, as I'm not sure I've earned the... I dunno... 'right' to wear one yet, but still, I feel like it's something I need to do as a visual reminder to stay on track, so I'm just going to keep wearing it. :P

My eating kind of went to shit today. I've had a horrible migrane all day, and when I have one, I just feel like EATING and praying "maybe this'll make it go away..."

So I had the yogurt this morning, and then I bought a cookie (300-something 350?) on my way out to the lake. When I got home, I had supper which consisted of a salad (Ooooh, I feel healthy. [/sarcasm]) and some of the vegetarian lasagna/german chocolate cheesecake I made for my dad's birthday. So I'm guesstimating I'm around 1000-1500 calories today. Nyegh. ._. I'm just glad I have the ABC starting up again tomorrow. Maybe that'll help me feel less fat.

My boyfriend finally emailed me today. Was all gushygushy about New York and how I'd love Central Park. Umm... I'd prefer to stay out here in the woods--a park in the middle of a city can't really compare to what I've got. I've got forests and fields, lakes and open roads, rivers and creeks... I've got pretty much everything I need right here.
I'm not willing to hem myself into a city just so I can see their damn stinkin' park. :P

I am a country girl and proud!

I feel like singing Christmas songs already. D: And that's really weird, because I'm not very big on the whole Christmas thing. Damned commercialism ruined it for me. <_<; Not to mention all those people walking around chirping "Jesus is the reason for the season! : D" Umm... what planet did you come from, dear? Christmas started out as a PAGAN holiday that the Christians took over. <_<; GREED is the reason for the season these days. Squeee~

...Why am I ranting on Christmas and it's not even Halloween yet? XDDD OMGHALLOWEEN. My FAVORITE holiday EVER. EEEEEP!


So yes, in about an hour, the car is MIIIIINE. >: D I'm planning on going out to this little park that has this BEAUTYMOUS lake and taking pictures--amateur photographer here. : P I started back in January, became hooked. I mostly do nature stuff, but I'm planning on using myself as a model today. I can only imagine how fugly these pictures will turn out. : D
It'll also get me out of the house and relieve this mind-numbing boredom that keeps telling me to go swallow the kitchen. =_=;
Luckily, though, I haven't listened. All I've had so far is a 35 calorie yogurt. :3 That's still a screw-up, because I was supposed to fast today, and then go back to day 3 of the ABC tomorrow, since I put it aside for my bread-and-ricecake-diet. But still, it's better than what it could have been.

I'm also planning on applying for a job while I'm out. Once again, that'll get me out of the house and keep my mind off eating. I'm excited. :3
My dad's cooking right now. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but the smell is bringing back nostalgia like nothin' else. I'm not even sure what it is I'm remembering. It's just a bunch of vague, unspecific, totally disconnected memories.

I should go get ready so I can just walk out the door when my mom comes home from work. I've gotta get out of here soon. Been cooped up for two days now, and I just want to get out on the open road, roll my windows down and sing at the top of my lungs to the radio. Most people tend to do that in the summertime, but hey, I'm a rebel. >:3

Stay wonderful, stay strong, and think thin!

I hate this. I hate feeling so dependent on someone. I hate this.. needing someone so much that it hurts to the bone when they're not there. I hate breathing but not taking in oxygen. I hate feeling so trapped in my own skin. I hate wanting to run so far, but knowing it'll never be far enough. I hate feeling like I have to burn the forest down just to find a drop of air to pull into my lungs. I hate this pressure in my chest, knowing I'm on the verge of breaking.

Why do I need him so much? Why does it hurt me so much that he hasn't even attempted to contact me for the past three days?
I did email him last night, and I'm going to wait two more days before I really allow myself to completely break. I don't want to, but I know I will anyway. I don't want to need him like this. But I do.

And I really hate the fact I sound like a melodramatic bitch right now.

I found a stickbug. :D

I totally did. :D His name is Morton and he's missing a leg. Poor Morton. =<

Ok, adorable little stickbugs aside, last night was ok. I did eat more than I'd planned to, but didn't go out of control with my eating--I kept myself in control of it. I was afraid I'd gain, though, because I did have some of the German chocolate cheesecake I made--which was FUCKING DELICIOUS by the way XD--but as it turns out, I didn't. I lost .2 of a pound. I probably would have lost more without it, but a loss is a loss, right? Now that I've had my little eat-normally day, I can get back to eating as little as possible.

Also, Aunt Flo decided to visit early this month. BOOOO. I alway get terrible cramps on the first day, but I'm not this time... wonder why. It's kind of... weird. XDDD But I am SO not complaining. XDDD I am a leeetle bit nauseous for some reason, though. ._.
But after it's over, I always lose maybe half a pound to a full pound, sometimes a little more, so I'm excited about that. :D

Ok, I have a question for you guys. What kind of supplements do you guys take, and what do those particular supplements do for you? I just recently realized that if I'm going to cut way, way back on my eating, I should be taking supplements too, so right now it's pretty basic what I'm taking--just a multivitamin, vitamin C, and cayenne. Plus a few cinnamon pills every now and again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvyH4HYRkTc <---Watch that. I'm currently obsessed. XDDDD

Wheeeee. : P

Ok, first, I just want to start off with saying I know I don't comment on blogs much. I do read, I'm just not a big commenter. Maybe I'm just a little shy or something. XD But I am trying to comment more, so don't shoot me when I do? D:

So, yes, I'm 141.6 lbs right now. Yaaaaay. X3

I'm going to try to fast again today. I had sort of a rhythm set up yesterday, where if I felt hungry, I would get a drink, if I felt shaky, I would go lie down for a few minutes, etc. It just seemed easier to me to fall back into that rhythm than to go stuff my face. Does this just get easier the longer you do it?
I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to do it AGAIN tomorrow. Probably not, since this is my first fast period, and I don't want to go overboard on it. I'll probably go back to my bread-and-ricecake diet.
One problem, though. I'm not sure if we're doing my dad's birthday dinner tonight or tomorrow--tomorrow is his actual birthday, but my mom has to work, so I'm guessing we're doing it tonight. So today might have to be just a partial fast, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get out of eating at least a bit of dinner. I'm going to go for as little as possible, though. On the menu is a vegetable lasagna, my famous salad, and for dessert... he wanted me to make a German chocolate cheesecake. D: I got all the ingredients as low-cal as possible, but still. ._. I might just have to skip that one. ._.

Also, I am REALLY irritated at my boyfriend. He went to NY to see his sister this week, which means we're not going to be able to talk as much as we usually do. He said he'd email me when he got there, but lo and behold, I have no email. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN.
I feel like I'm falling into that old story of 'girl sits by phone waiting for boy to call, boy never calls, girl cries heart out'. Except I'm sitting by my computer. =_=;
I know, I know, I could email HIM. But blaaaarrrrrhhhhg. I want HIM to email ME. He promised he would. ;_; Plus, I don't want to seem desperate and clingy. (Which I so am, but he doesn't have to know that. =X)

Allow me to do a victory dance--it'll burn a few calories

142!!! ONE-FORTY-FREAKING-TWO! : DDDD ASDFGHJKL!
I BUSTED MY LOW WEIGHT!
TAKE THAT, 144!!!!!

Needless to say, I am rather excited here. :3 It's been weeks watching myself hit 144 and then go back up after eating badbad stuff. Now here I am at 142. : D I feel happy, but also a little apprehensive knowing this is only one drop in the bucket.
I just want to go to bed one day and wake up skinny. Seriously. ._.

But, yes. I discovered at the store that the rice cakes I've been getting are 10 cals above another flavor. HORROR. D: Goodbye, 'white cheddar', hello 'lightly salted'!

So yes, my fast is going swimmingly--I've resisted all forms of food! My mom tossed me a peach for breakfast, and I was like "Oh, bleh, I just got up. I'm not really hungry." Since I hardly ever eat breakfast anyway, she didn't really care. And then for lunch, everybody else had chicken salad sandwiches. How did I get out of eating with them? Just before they started eating, I started doing the dishes I forgot to do last night. So when they asked me to come eat, I was elbow-deep in soapy water. "Dang! Sorry, I didn't know you were making lunch--I'll eat when I'm through with this." And then never did. :3 All this makes me feel like a ninja or something. XDDD

I bought all my ingredients for my dad's birthday dinner. I got everything as low-cal as I could. My mom was with me, and kept giving me these exasperated looks when I'd stand looking at two different brands of the same product forever, checking and rechecking the calorie count. She didn't say anything about it though--she just figures I'm trying to be 'healthy'. Feh. Screw healthy, I'm gonna be SKINNY.

Hmm.

Ex is as much of an asshole as I remembered. : D Good to know I haven't been slandering him in my memory. : D

Apparently, I'm an 'attention whore'. Big freaking whoop. You're an attention whore, too, buddy. Whining about how you're so 'suicidally depressed' and how nobody loves you and then acting like an asshole to me, just to get a rise out of me.

I'm happy to say, though, I didn't rise to it. I just acted like my slightly hyper, goofy, outgoing self, and didn't really care what he thought anymore. I mean, I've been thinking there was some tiny little piece of me that still craved him, that still loved him... there's really not. o_O He's shallow as a saucer. Nothin' there but air. This makes me very, very happy.

I'm makin' a list, checkin' it twice...

I finally get to go to the store tomorrow! YESYESYESYES.

I'm also thinking about doing a full-on fast tomorrow--liquid calories only. Huh. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, though. Though if I never try, I'll keep hanging back from it "Oh, I'm not ready. I can't." So I just might-as-fucking-well. So I guess that's what I'm doing. Just in case, though, I'm going to allot myself two tablespoons of salsa--that always seems to make me feel fuller for a bit, plus it's only, like, 10 calories. That should save me in case my tummy decides to take over.

So yes, shopping tomorrow: I'm getting all my diet staples. Salad fixin's, plus a low-cal dressing. Fuck the one I got that's 60 cals per two tablespoons or something. Plus it doesn't even taste good, so screw it. =_= I'm probably going to get those cheese snacks that come in the sticks. Protein. I'm only getting them if I can find some worth 100 cals or less. Light Soy Milk, definitely. 80 calories per cup, so that's less than normal milk, which weighs in at 100.
My rice cakes--I'm going to go for something other than white cheddar flavour this time, though. Maybe they'll come in for less than 45 cals. I guess I'll just have to check in the store. Assorted vegetables, too. Carrots, radishes, maybe even some asparagus.
I'm going to look for a 'weight loss' tea, too. I'm not sure if I could get something like that, as my mom is coming along, but we'll see--she's very supportive on my quest to lose weight--It's making me so healthy! ;]
And then I have to get the fixin's for my dad's birthday dinner. I'm making a salad plus a vegetable lasagna that I think I could manage a bit of so I don't raise suspicion.
And then *drumroll* Diet soda! Something clear--I hear the dark ones are even more horrible for your teeth. Plus gum and breath mints and stuff I can suck on to keep my mind off food and I'm golden.
I get this type of bread called Oat Nut when I get bread. It's got oatmeal and hazelnuts in it. It's nice and sweet, plus it makes me feel fuller than just normal bread. I need to get more of that tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out what else I need to get, but I'm drawing a blank.
I want to get something chocolate... but argh, I just don't know. I'll probably get some M&Ms or something and have like five a day--that should keep me in business for many, many days to come, plus it'll keep my chocolate cravings off. I'm getting better at self-control, so limiting myself like that shouldn't be a problem, but it might be, so I'm still a little hesitant about it.

Also, guess what. :3 I was laying on my mom's bed today, all stretched out over it, and had like half my torso hanging off, because I just felt like it. And my hipbones were just barely peeking out of my skin. ASDFGHJKL! I know it was all because I was lying down, plus being all stretched out, but still. It was exciting. :3 When I felt them, I just nearly started freaking out. :3

All my goals seem almost within reach now. X3 I can do this!

Stay strong, stay wonderful, and think thin!

OH HELL FUCK. A 'friend' just invited me into an MSN convo with my ex-from-two-years-ago. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

Low weight again... : D

Ok, bitchslap me and tell me I am a fat cow and shouldn't go eat. That I should stick to my diet like white on rice. No, wait. Food similes are bad. DX

So yes, I have hit my low weight again. 144.0. At this exact moment in time, I'm not especially hungry, but soon enough I'm going to be like
"Ok, I think I'm gonna eat now. Can't hurt, y'know, because I'm at my low weight. Besides. I'll only eat a little: A little of this, a little of that... wait a second... oooh, I like that. A lot of that. But it doesn't matter, y'know, because my low weight is some kind of magic number that won't let me gain anything, even though past days seem to disprove that notion. But I don't care, because I'm a fat cow. :D"

I'm NOT going to let that happen today. I can't. I need a NEW low weight, dammit. And if I can lose 1.8 lbs in one day... hell if I'm gonna let myself pig out just to pig out. 144 can't keep being my magic yoyo number.

By the way, I can currently use my thumbs and middle fingers and put them around the part of my thigh about an inch above my knee. Can't wait until I can do that to my UPPER thigh. XD But I am built so damn Southern. Broad shoulders, big hips and thighs, etc. Also, I don't know if it's just the fact I'm fat or what, but when I suck in my stomach and look at the outline of my ribcage, it looks kind of broad too. So I'm basically built like a wall. =_=;
I don't know if I'll ever look like the delicate dainty girls I want to look like... but I guess we'll just see. I don't have small bones. They're about medium-size. Average size. Everything about me is so damn average.

By the way, who decided that 116-145 was a good weight range for my height? I'm 1lb below 145, and I'm faaaaat! I'm thinking more along the lines of 100-110 as a good range. And who thinks a BMI of 20 or above is 'healthy'? That should be OBESE. And 18.5 and below is underweight? No, honey. That's perfect. I mean... has our world seriousy gotten so fat, with their ideas so skewed that they can seriously think that's NORMAL? Or are they just trying to make fat people feel better? HELL-o. Tell the fatties they're fat. I mean, they're still fat no matter what range you decide is 'healthy', but then they sit around thinking "Oh, I'm so healthy" while they chow down on their greasy french fries and big macs.

*rawrrawrrawrrawr*

Ok, I'm through. Stay wonderful, stay strong! <3

I want to go weigh myself SO BAD. But I'm going to have to wait. I know I probably weigh 50 bazillion lbs. I overestimated what my water intake should be, so while sipping on, like, my 10th or 11th bottle of the day, I just felt sooooo nauseous and like I was going to HURL. UP. THIS. WATER. RIGHT. NOW. I couldn't even look at the damn bottle in my hand. D: So yeah, I'm just going to wait and weigh in the morning like I always do. XD I still can't believe just water could make you feel so... bad. XD Luckily, though, I do feel better now. Better enough to consider a cup of coffee. <_<;>_>;

I'm just utterly sick of reaching my low weight and then bouncing back up. It's like the number itself can just trigger me to "OH LET ME GO EAT TWICE MY OWN WEIGHT IN FOOD. HELL, IT DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE FOOD. I'LL CHEW UP THE CARPETS IF I HAVE TO. : D"
But uh-uh, ain't gonna happen this time. I have my plan, I have my determination, I have my goal. I want to be 130 by Halloween. 125 if I can manage it. I mean, I still can't SEE any weight loss, even from my 172 days. It's frustrating. I just can't figure out when I'll be able to see it. When my thighs stop touching? When my belly doesn't look like I'm smuggling a basketball under my shirt?

Feh.

Squeeee... : D

Today is the first day of the 140 calorie-a-day diet thingy I posted about yesterday. :3 I'm excited. I'm going to follow it through to Saturday, which is the first fast of the ABC. I'm going to take that fast, and then rewind the ABC back to Day 4, which is supposed to be today, and then I'll do this week over in ABC-dom.
I hope that made sense. XDDD I'm not very coherent in the mornings. @___@

But yes, I have my rice cake and piece of bread separated out, all I have to do is drink my water and be happy. : D My weight goal for the end of the week is 140. I'm also really crossing my fingers for losing five lbs a week, but I don't know if I'll reach that. I'll get as close as I can, though. :3

I was up a full pound today when I weighed myself. It's like I reach 144 and then I just feel like EATING. So I eat a little bit of this, a little bit of that... and by the next day, I've gained. *sighs*

My dad's birthday is this Friday, and I'm hoping to score the cooking rights. That way I can make LOW-CAL stuff, which seems to be something beyond what anyone else in my family can grasp. XDDD I was thinking along the lines of fish or chicken. I mean, since we have chicken so much, I'm leaning towards the fish. Not sure how I'd plan on cooking the little darling, but I'll figure it out. XD Oooh! And my famous salad, too! :3 And for dessert... really no way of making that 'low-cal'. I can substitute stuff and make it LOWER-cal, though. XDDD Now it's just a toss-up on what kind of dessert he wants me to make. If he says 'surprise me', though, I'm going to shoot him. XDDD ...Maybe a buttermilk or pecan pie? Huh. This bears much thinking about.
And I really hope my mom ordered that spice rack I wanted to get him... I mean, I got him a full new set of cake pans and stuff, because seriously, his old stuff was... wearing out. Muchly. XDDDD
I'm kind of falling into 'perfect planner' mode here. I'm even wondering if we should invite a few people, or just leave it as a family thing... we should probably invite my great-aunt, at least... I mean, she's done a lot for us, and it would just be the right thing to do... plus with more people around, that would dilute the focus on individuals, so I can get by with eating even LESS. >=D
Of course, if we do invite people, I'm going to have to BEG my brother to clean up the yard some, where he has this pile of stuff he pulled out of storage to sort through... and I'll have to clean up some of the clutter around the house.... gads, I need to get busy!

...

...

Ok, so maybe I go a little bit psycho when there's an event coming. Sue me. XDDDD


Ooooh, I just remembered the Halloween party we were planning... plans for that definitely need more work. And who better to work them than moi, master event planner? :3 I mean, seriously, my family likes to have these ideas for get-togethers, and then kind of let them stagnate for a little while... and then just kind of get together and be like "So... yeah.... this is it..." I, on the other hand, while I'm also one of the flightier members of the family, I am also an EXTREME planner, though nobody really knows that, since I don't use that skill very often. :3

Shit, I hope it's not going to be raining day-of any of this... that would just royally bite. Because with my dad's birthday, after we eat, we could all retire to the porch for a nice cup of coffee and chat... and the Halloween thing was going to be a bonfire. Argh, so much to do, so little time. D:

Stay wonderful!

Electricity is a beautiful thing. : D

Yes, it finally came back on! : D You all should've heard me when it did. I was lounging across the couch with my mom's Blackberry, again, about to make a post when suddenly... the lights flickered on. I just sat there for a second in slight shock... and then fell off the couch laughing like a maniac and shrieking "HALLELUJAH!". Which pretty much continued for about ten minutes, especially as I waltzed into the kitchen... and turned on the coffee maker. <3 God, I missed coffee. XDDDD The lights shut off at 6:30 Friday morning, and turned back on at 4:30 this afternoon. Which makes nearly 60 freaking hours without electricity. ._. God almighty, I was about to go CRAZY. Once I finish this post, I'm going to wait about twenty minutes to see if my boyfriend's going to come on MSN, since I haven't been able to talk to him in three days... and then I'm going to go take a four-hour shower. XDDDD Oh, showers <333333333!!!!! Ok, so I can recap the past days without electricity, I'm just going to type up my journal entries--easier than actually sitting here trying to remember. XDDD

10/9/09
Electricity went out, so I don't have my blog as a distraction. But even so, I'm going to stick to this. I can't let anything break me now. I'm going to be strong. Fat, but strong.

Today's meal plan is pretty much the same as yesterday. I just had my yogurt, so at 3, I'm going to have my rice cake. Then at 6, I'll have my salad.

Last night, I actually did have an emergency that made me eat. I cut myself doing dishes. It wasn't really a bad cut, and I was ok for a few minutes. But when I started doing the dishes again, I nearly passed out there at the sink! I stood there a second trying to collect myself, when this really horrible nausea came over me. So I stumbled my way into the bathroom, nearly passing out again. When I got there, I just laid there on the floor for about ten minutes. I was feeling a bit better--like I wouldn't black out if I even twitched a finger--so I went back to the kitchen. I had full intentions of making a PB&J, but thank god, there was no jelly OR peanut butter, so I just ate a piece of bread. So maybe there is a god.

I've finally broken my low weight, by the way, which was 144.2. I am 144.0. The loss train is back on the tracks!
---
4:00 and the electricity is still out.

(insert ramble here)

I deviated from my plan because of sheer, mindnumbing boredom. I ate a pickle. 25 calories. It was REALLY spicy, thought, so yay for giving my metabolism a kick in the ass. I'm planning on having tonight's salad dry--that'll make up the difference well enough.

(insert ANOTHER ramble here)
(I tend to ramble a lot. XD)
----
I've just had a brainstorm. I usually mess up and binge on Fridays, so tomorrow is going to be a sort of fast day. Since it's already been proven that I'm a fat cow and can't fast or semi-fast by just sheer willpower, I've got it all laid out for myself. One rice cake (45), one slice of whole-wheat bread (100). I separated them into four parts each, and sealed one piece of each into four snack bags. I then added one bag of tea into each bag. I'll space my little meals throuout the day. Hopefully, having four different flavors of tea will trick my brain/stomach into thinking the meals themselves are different, thus removing boredom and the need to snack. Also, I have to drink at least four bottles of water before I even think of getting another meal. That should also keep me full enough to keep me from snacking.

(insert ramble here)

Hopefully, tonight I can keep myself under control.

10/10/09
So much for control. Over 2000 calories yesterday. I am honestly disgusted with my fat, fat, fat, fat cow self. Ugh. No 140 calories today. Just a fast. Maybe I can reverse the damage. I'm too scared to even go weigh myself. I just know I've ruined everything.

(insert 4 1/2 pages of "I am a fat cow" here)

I can't quite say that I feel much better now, but hey, at least 'the truth shall set you free'. Hah.

(insert ramble here)

----
I feel so, so, so much better. Mom loaned me her blackberry and I read all the blogs... I missed all those girls. I also managed to shoot an email off to 'R', which really helped take off so much pressure I didn't even know had built up.

I messed up my fast and had supper. I shouldn't have. I'm so fricking weak. I'll always be a fat cow if I keep letting my willpower disappear when faced with food.

I feel bloated. :C

10/11/09
I am pleasantly surprised. I only gained .8 lbs from my 2 binge days--though I don't really count yesterday as a true 'binge', exactly, because I'm pretty sure I stayed at the limit, maybe 50-100 above, but still within 'not good, but still kind of acceptable' ranges. It still made me feel bloated, though, so boooo.

I'm planning on doing the 140-four meal-four-water diet thingy I was going to do yesterday tomorrow. If that makes sense. I was going to do it today, but still no electricity, thus no tea, thus that kind of defeats the 'no boredom' plan I had. >:\

Hoping for electricity either later today or tomorrow.

Ok, hope that wasn't too boring. XDDD I am going after the 140 fast tomorrow, since I can actually make my tea now. XDD Uhhh... I think that's about it. Been eating fairly normally today, I'm currently about 100 calories under today's allowance, so I'll probably just have a rice cake later and call it a day. : P I need to go to the store and get more veggies and stuff--I haven't checked my salad fixin's yet, but I'm pretty sure they're all ruined after so long without refrigeration. Bleh. Not to mention, I'm down to my last few rice cakes. D:! Too bad I can only get that stuff in the bigger towns around this area, and apparently I'm not allowed to drive there by myself just yet. I mean, wtf, I'm a good driver. D: Been there ten thousand times, so I dun't see what's so different about me going by myself--plus if they just never trust me to go alone, then how will they know if I'm ready for it or not? o_O

Ok, sorry, I'm going to end this really long-ass post now. XD

Stay strong, stay wonderful, and think thin!