Owow

Soooo much has happened recently. It's crazy, it's totally crazy. Let me just tell you right here and now that my memory is like three seconds long and I didn't read over my last post (which was before this happened, I think, so whatever), so if I repeat anything that I told you about there, please forgive me... I think the last post was mostly piercing-related anyway.

But this is better. This is sooo much better. I... have a boyfriend. My first actual real-life boyfriend. Most of my bfs have been over the internet, but this is BETTER. :DDDD

It all started with a missed phone call. I'm pretty sure I told you guys about the superbowl party, and the hotnicefriendly guy who asked for my phone number but was like "my phone's broken, so it might be a while before I can call", yet I gave it anyway.

Ok, so Sunday afternoon, I checked my phone and had a missed call. I started freaking out. Anyway, I called the number... and it wasn't him. BUT it was his friend, who told me that the first dude--we'll call him B--had used HIS phone--we'll call him C--to call ME. Needless to say, I was freaking out like OH MAI GAWDDDD. So C and I talked for a few minutes, and come to find out, I knew who he was. We'd never talked or anything, but I'd seen him and kind of thought he was cute. It wasn't up in the front of my mind like OMG GOTTA HAVE GOTTA HAVE, it was just a little mental note, because I figured I had absolutely no chance. Anyway, while we were talking, he was clarifying who I was, and I was like "Wow, he actually noticed me? o_O". It was great, and we started texting and stuff.

On Monday evening, he said he had a confession to make. I finally pried it out of him, and he told me he'd liked me for a while. I started freaking out again. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, didn't know what to say, so I'm just like "Ok... um..." so we quickly moved on. Anyway, we kept texting and, then on Tuesday night he was asking if I'd be at church on Wednesday night. I was, and we kind of acknowledged each other there... didn't really talk, though. His next text was "I don't think I have a chance with the person I like" I knew he was talking about me. And as the days had gone by and we'd kept talking, I realized I did like him. I really did. I decided to not come right out and say that, though, so I was like "Why?" and he said "Because I don't think she likes me too." and that's when I said "If you're talking about me, you're wrong." About five seconds after I sent the message, my phone rang, and he asked me out. I was totally freaking out for the rest of the night. XD

Anyway, our first date was last night. We kinda-sorta went to a baseball game. Kinda-sorta because he was taking the money for parking, so we were just sitting in his van at the start of the drive into the parking lot, and we were just talking and holding hands. And then after he was off at about 7:30 it was part-way through a game, so we just went up and watched it. It was cold out, and he let me have his jacket, which I put on over my hoodie... which now smells like him. It's officially my FAVORITE hoodie ever. :P

It was pretty fun, and then I went to his house after and met his parents, and he called to say they really liked me, so yay. He's meeting mine on Sunday. XDDD

We might have another date tomorrow, but it's iffy. I really do hope I can go... I really really really like this guy. XDD And he absolutely cemented the fact that he's a really nice guy with the fact that he didn't even try to kiss me last night. I wouldn't have let him if he'd tried, and the fact that he didn't even go for it, just gave me a hug... that just makes me think "wow". He's great, he's really awesome. XD

The youth group is having a spring break trip for the high schoolers to Six Flags (in Dallas), and I was going to go by myself because my friends couldn't make it, but now he's going with me and I'm SO excited. He'll make the van ride fun. :P Anyway, the trip starts on the 14th, and according to my deadline, I should be about 128-127 by then... but I'm going to see if I can hit 125. But it HAS to have a 2 on it. No more 3. I'm SO freaking sick of being in the 130s. So gross.

As for eating, yesterday was practically a fast, except I had a sandwich at about 11:00 when I got home. My stomach had been too full of butterflies to eat anything before then. Ummm... I'm 135 right now, which is better than hovering around 138-139 like I have been lately, but I did just get my period, so it was probably just all that stupid water weight. I missed the 133 deadline about two days ago, and I would readjust... but I just don't feel like it. So I'll be behind a little bit. I'll lose extra for a couple weeks and hit the next deadline.

So far today, I've just had coffee, and I'm planning on a salad and maybe a piece of fruit later. I've been trying to work in three cups of green tea a day, because I've heard that's good for your metabolism, but it's hard because then I forget to drink some of them, so it feels like a wasted effort. But whatever, I'm trying, right? Trying counts, doesn't it?

I've also got these nifty little vitamins for skin, hair and nails. They're... biotin, I think. Has anybody taken those and gotten good results? According to my best friend, I don't need them, but I'm going to take them anyway. So yeah, anybody taken biotin before?

I think that's about all. Stay strong, ladies! xoxo

WHOO HOO!

UNDER 500 CALORIES TODAY!!!!! YESYESYESYES!!!!!

PLUS!!!! I got the piercing!!!!! The second lobe!!!! : DDDDD! Twigs, thanks for the advice--they told me to twist it three times a day after I clean it, but the left one hurts when I do twist... so good to know it's not absolutely necessary. XDDDD

BTW, anything under 700 calories always makes me just a bit loopy, especially + caffeine... and I just finished two cups of coffee and am working on a soda--diet, of course. ;P I'm pretty damn excited about this whole day. XDDD

I did have to get my ear pierced in the mall, though... I wanted to go to an actual piercing place where they wouldn't use the gun (because I've heard those can't be sterilized... GROSS!), but my parents were like OH NO. So whatever, got it done in the mall, I don't really care. XDDD Anyway, ran into my youth minister from church and his wife while we were there and he was like "So what've you been up to?" and I'm like "DUDE, PIERCING MY EAR!!!" and he was like "Oh, awesome... mine closed up a long time ago. D:" and I'm like "Woah, waitafrikkinminute... you had an earring? o_o" and he points to his ear and is like "Two. :D" and I'm like "ok, dude, you just gained like +50 awesome points. o___o" I mean, dude is flipping awesome anyway, but seriously, you don't expect someone in the church like that to have been pierced... or I don't, anyway. XDD

I also got some resistance bands for toning... my arms are in sad, sad shape, and I want to look SMOKIN' this summer.

'Kay, I'm kind of getting all-over-the-place with this entry, so I'll go ahead and hang it up now... WHOO, frikkin' awesome day!

Stay strong~

Slowly, yet surely

I'm not going to say how much I weigh. Just know that it's more than I'd like--at least it was when I weighed myself a few days ago. It might have started coming down, but it's unlikely.

Things have just gotten crazy and I lost my already fragile grip on control. Yesterday's calorie count was an estimated 930 calories. It had to be estimated because I just don't ever know the exact calorie amount of the food that goes in my mouth anymore. That has to stop. And it has. ^^ Today has been pretty good so far. I had coffee and a 15-calorie dry salad--that's two whole cups of veggies!! I was full, but nearly slipped up. I had a bean burrito all made up and ready to eat. I was seasoning it up and thinking "No... this isn't good... don't do this... please! You can stop now... STOP! NOW!" but somehow I just couldn't stop. But I did dump way too much salt on, and then took a bite (est 25 calories) and threw the rest away. I'm still within my calorie limit for today, because in my journal I told myself I could have a salad worth 50 calories, but I only did 15. So I'm still ok.

After I do a couple days like this (Salad, then a grapefruit, then an 80 cal yogurt), then I'll get back to the Staircase/ABC diet. This is going to work this time. It has to.

In other news, my iPod decided to freak out on me, so I had to uninstall iTunes. Unfortunately, now the Apple website is totally whack and I can't redownload it. So I'm quite pissed about that.

And next week, I'm getting a second piercing in my lobes. :DDD I've had the standard one piercing per earlobe since I was... three or four, I think, and I've been begging to get something else pierced FOREVER, and finally hit upon something my mom was ok with. We're not telling my dad beforehand, even though she thinks he'll be ok with it. ;P
After the double lobe heals up nicely, I think I'm going to ask for either an industrial piercing (Also known as a scaffold piercing, I think) or a third lobe. Probably an industrial to start with, then work down to the third lobe. But you can bet if they say no to the industrial, I'm getting it the second I turn 18, along with a navel piercing. :D At that point, I'll be good on the piercing front. XDDD I don't want to turn into a walking tacklebox. o_o

So yeah, I think that's all. Stay strong, my ladies. xoxo

Falling and getting up again

I fell again. Yesterday was one long, horrid binge. I don't know what's wrong with me--why do I keep doing this? I hate myself, I hate that I can't stick to anything for the life of me. I hate that my body keeps fighting me to stay fat.

I'm (semi?)fasting today, and then the 400 calorie day tomorrow. I'm allowing myself two cups of coffee and three cups of green tea. The rest will be water. I've got to meet my goal. I've got to get skinny.

My grandma is coming to visit on the 20th. My mom and I have to go pick her up, though. Last time she saw me, my boyfriend had just broken up with me, which toppled me into almost a week-long fast. I was 133 pounds. I've gotta at least get back there--lower if I can manage it. And then I can just smile as I continue to drop weight as she's here.
When I was .... obese.... she always made comments about how I needed to lose weight. When I was 133, she kept telling me I looked good. Well ok. How about 120? What will you say then? 110? 100? 90? It's weird, but the moment she tells me "Honey, you need to gain weight, you're too thin..." will be the moment I finally feel like I've made it. I don't know why it's her. Maybe because of the comments before... but once that comment comes, I'm going to smile my most angelic smile and say "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine, just fine."

My only worry is I'll never look truly thin. I've said this in previous posts, but I just want to say it again. I'm built like a wall. My bones aren't big, but they aren't delicate and small either. I have a wide ribcage, and short legs. My arms are a good length, and my fore-arms almost look skinny, except for one little bulge by my elbow. My upper arms are horrid, so we won't even go there. I do have a waist, which is nice. I'm an hourglass shape. I'd give anything to be a ruler, though. Slight curves, not overwhelming in the slightest... because then when I got skinny, I wouldn't have breasts or an ass. I hate my breasts. They're like a C cup. I'd give anything for a B. My ass is ok, I guess. But it's too big. It's like a bubble. They say that's attractive, buuut... I'd rather have a flat ass any day.
I'm just... curvy. Even my legs are curvy. I almost have cankles, which could be from my weight still, but I might just have unfortunately-shaped legs. There is a bit of definition between calf and ankle, but it's not enough for me. My thighs are ginormous. Giiiiinormous. My belly is big, too. I have a gut that I can't get rid of. My face is ok, I guess. Sometimes it looks pretty, sometimes it just looks heavy and dull. I would post photos for you guys (Minus the face. Paranoid about that. x_x), but I still feel huge... and I don't know about taking photos where you could see all this... that would be like in my underwear, right? Ain't happening. I might think about doing photos when I reach 120-125, but that's still up in the air. Just tell me what you guys think, I guess. x_x

I guess I just want to be someone else entirely. I got the short end of the stick in everything else, why couldn't I at least be pretty too?

This is going to be pretty short.

Today's limit: 500
Intake so far: 350
Stopping now?: Hopefully. <_<

I set aside a grapefruit (100) and a dry salad (15 for 2 cups of veggies) for the rest of the day. If I stick to it (And I will!!) it'll be 465 calories for the day, and 35 calories in the bank. :D

Boy still hasn't called/texted me. I'm getting... kind of hopeless about the whole situation. I think it's starting to look like he has no intention of calling. It's been almost a week now, so... I dunno. >=

The snow knocked out the electricity, so we're using the generator. It used to, and might still have a nasty habit of exploding things... so I'm going to go ahead and end this post now, just in case. XD I do apologize for not making a longer post, but I REALLY would enjoy keeping my laptop in its unexploded state.

Stay strong xoxo

Strong Enough

I'm stronger today.

Today's intake:
Salad with two kiwis (odd addition, yes, but had to get them eaten before they went bad) - 105 calories
8 crackers with cheese and 1 slice bologna - 280 (about 80 for the crackers, an est. 100 for the cheese, and a definite 100 for the bologna)
Grapefruit - 100
Total: 485

Weight? Me + all clothes, including jeans = 138.8.

Hmm.

Strength pays off.

I guess we'll have to see if this holds tomorrow. I am under the limit for today, and my stomach is deliciously empty, though it's feeling like it wants to eat itself. DX It'll get better, though. It will, it has to. I'm adding one hundred calories to my bank, and if I have to, I'll use the remaining tonight, to head off a binge. Of course, this is only if I have to, if there's no other way to keep from binging. I won't let it happen, though. I'm stronger than that.

In other news, it's SNOWING. In Texas. It's been going steady all day, since 8am. It's 11pm now. :D It stopped sticking this afternoon, but now it's colder again, so it's starting to pile up again. It's so great, I love snow. :D

Stay strong, ladies. xoxox

139

Uh-huh.

I'm not going over 140 again.

It's 2:30pm and I've had 15 calories. A salad, dry. I tempted myself with an egg to go on it, "It's PROTEIN, after all!!" but then I reminded my fat self that I don't NEED the protein yet. All I need is low calories, low low low low low.

I'd almost forgotten how... good vegetables are. I haven't had a plain salad in a while, and I forgot how good the cold, slightly juicy, crunchy veggies feel when you chew them--how they're just slightly sweet. Just enough that you can eat them dry without wanting to throw your bowl across the room. I'd almost forgotten how deliciously low-cal yet filling they are. It's like magic, you know? That something so uniquely delicious can be so good for you, and yet won't really have any negative effect on your weight. In fact, they can really only help you instead of hurting you.

...Ok, that was weird. I'll admit it. XDD But it's oh-so-true.

It is Wednesday, and there's youth group tonight. I'm hoping the guy I mentioned yesterday will be there... Sunday was the first time I'd ever seen him at our church, so I don't know if a friend just made him come to the Superbowl party, or if he's going to start coming... oh, lord, I hope he's there. He's tooooo cute. <3 And the perfect inspiration for me to lose weight! :D

I'm starting my own skinny revolution. I'm going to fight the good fight and win the battle against my body.

I'm going to win.

I'm going to be skinny.

Epic Failure + Other Stuff.

Ok, so first the epic failure. I only JUST NOW got through the 700 cal day. Only NOW. Willpower is shot to hell. I can't get it back, for some reason. But I'm going to try to keep on trucking. 600 calories tomorrow. I'm going to try to get through this... I have to. I have to do this.

I don't even know what I weigh right now, because I haven't been eating well, so I just haven't had the heart to get on the scales.... so tomorrow will be the moment of truth. I guess. I'm so scared, I don't know what my weight has done. I just... I don't know. I feel so lost. Like I don't have anything left--like I'm going to be a whale for my entire life.

I'm going to push my weight goals list back another week, because I'm not going to hit tomorrow's goal, I know it. But I've got to get back somehow. I miss it--I miss it so much. The steady loss, dancing when I hit the scales in the morning... I mean, when I was restricting and only eating salads, my skin was absolutely flawless and my hair was absolutely beautiful. My skin is currently breaking out and my hair, while a bit shinier, is also frizzy and gross. I don't know if there's a connection... but I guess the only way to find out is to get back in the game.

So let me ask you a question, ladies. How do you get yourselves back on track? How do you climb back up the mountain once you've fallen so far? How do you start over? What do you do?


The other stuff is pretty awesome, though. The only things keeping me from spiraling off into a deep, dark "Oh, my god, I am OBESE" depression. XD

Ok, so first off, I had a busybusybusy weekend. It started on Friday evening when I went to a student conference with my church's youth group. It was amazing. Seriously amazing. While I was there, it hit me hard. Really hard. I realized that yes, I had accepted Jesus into my life years ago, yes I'd been baptized--the whole deal, but that for the past few years, I hadn't LIVED it. I'd decided it wasn't 'cool' to be a Christian, that it was... I don't know. But anyway, while at the conference, I made the decision to do better. I'm going to try to get back into the faith. I mean, I've been going to church more in the past month, but that's all. But this weekend changed things. I'm going to try. I'm going to try hard.

More awesome stuff... that starts with a bit of background.

I have been homeschooled my entire life. That never really bothered me, because I could usually find friends no matter where I went. Even if they were friends for a moment, a week, a year--no matter what, I did have friends. In the past... oh, two or three years, though, I realized that I wanted something... different. The sort of friendship that spans over an entire lifetime. A deep friendship. Most of my 'friends' at that point, I had only known for a few weeks, and they didn't seem to truly consider me a 'friend'. I'm not going to get into it right now, but I think that's when I started to truly be unhappy with myself and my looks.

Anyway, I'd been wanting friends so badly for years now, and it got so much worse when my parents moved us out to the country, and I didn't have anywhere to go. No friends. Nothing. I was cut off, except for my internet friends. We tried to find a church, but nothing really clicked. Just about a month ago, though, we found one. I found a couple of friends there, and things started to look up.

I still wasn't happy though, until just this past Sunday. The youth group had a Superbowl party, and that's when things started happening. I met people, they loved me, I had friends! I had friends that I'm sure really do like me--especially as a few are guys, and in my (limited) experience, guys don't pretend to like someone to spare their feelings. They either like you or avoid you. And the guys like me. It's... amazing. That I could be likable. And one guy was... cute. And I'm not sure, but I think he likes me too--I can't be sure, because he's a super-friendly guy, and I might just be misreading things, but whatever. Hope lives on, right? : P

The thing is, it does make me wonder... would they like me more once I'm thinner? Would the guy's interest really take off if I was skinny? What will happen? Will skinny make my dreams come true?

Here we go again

Okay, so that sleepover was fun.

Except I was wrong, I didn't keep myself in control.

But that's not an issue, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I just screwed up some. Not a big deal, not going to beat myself up for it. I'm just going to pick myself up and move on instead of falling into the bingebingebinge cycle again. I just crossed off my 1000+ calorie days, plus my 900 and 800 days too, forcing me to start at a... *cough* "low" calorie amount. I also erased my calorie bank, so it's starting over on empty.

I'm also taking today 'off'. Not like 'bingemyfaceoff' off, but more like "eat semi-sensibly" off. Tomorrow, I go to 700 cals and it's all good. : D

Sending hopes for strength and beauty your way xoxo