FML.

I didn't get to fast completely yesterday. I screwed it up.

See, someone forgot to inform me that we were going to a relative's house for dinner. So when we got there, it was a steak dinner. I was just sitting there thinking "Wtf, you bitches." So we all gathered around the table, and first I cut my steak into itty bitty pieces. Then I took a sip of water. And then I began. I chewed each tiny bite thirty times, and after three bites took a sip of water. I was slow, and thought about each bite as I put it into my mouth. I figured "Hey, if I eat slow enough, maybe they'll be done before I even have a fourth of this bastard!" But no. Even though I kept going slow, it's like something in my brain shut down. So the final tally was half a steak, a large baked potato (With only butter, thank god--they had cheese and bacon bits and all that other ungodly stuff, but I resisted.) and two slices of bread. No dessert, thank the lord. I was PISSED at myself, so I forced myself to mostly stand for the rest of the time we were there.

And then we came home. The electricity was out, because of a storm. Well ok, that's all well and good. So we sat around with lanterns and stuff, just talking. By the time everyone else went to bed, I wasn't even sleepy. So I read for a while, prowled around the house, and somehow wound up in the kitchen. Crackers, ham and cheese. I don't even know what I was thinking.

So my fast starts AGAIN today. I'm currently working on my first cup of coffee, planning on having another one later, plus a lot of hot tea and water. I've also already brushed my teeth twice, because I was thinking about eating, so I figured I'd try that little trick.

I'm going to make it this time. I've got to. It's only eighteen days before we leave, and I HAVE to lose weight. I have to.

I'm fasting today, plus maybe tomorrow and the next day. It's like a little test for myself, just so I can see exactly how long I can hold out. It should be interesting, anyway.

I slept last night.

You have no idea how giddy that makes me feel. :D Because now I'm fairly certain I won't wander into the kitchen in a half-asleep stupor and inhale everything in sight. <_<

Though I am kind of pissed because my weight did some kind of odd rebound shit, so I'm back at 137. I have a feeling it's because I stopped exercising as soon as I hit 135. Like "Ok, ok, ENOUGH already! I deserve me a break!" Nooooo, Bre, you don't deserve a break, dear. Fatasses don't deserve a rest. All you deserve is exercising MORE. So I guess that's what I'm gonna do.

So I've got myself into a new plan. OMG, we've all heard this one before. But I swear, I'm going to keep myself on it if it kills me. See, my mom has a lot of weight to lose too (She's my height and like 170-180 or something. o_o) so she decided we would start a new plan together. I was a biiiiit hesitant before she told me about it, because she's a nurse and a huge advocate of 'healthy eating' and '1200 calories a day is a weight-loss plan'! But when she started telling me about it, I was like "Dude, I can cut out this... and this... and here, too! HAHAHA!"

See, her plan was a portion-control sort of thing. To force us to keep correct portions, we got those microwaveable dinners. And then she was planning on like, veggie stir-fries, salads and stuff. Plus for snacks, she got like cereal and stuff. So when we went to get the dinners, I gave myself a strict limit of 350 calories per dinner. I managed to keep it at about 320 and under--most came in at about 260-280! And then I decided I'd cut out pretty much everything but the dinners, a salad and a half-portion of cereal (Which, with the kind I got is about 60 cals, sans milk). So that's going to keep me probably under 500 calories a day. Thing is, we forgot to get the salad stuff, so even though salads are low-cal when made the right way, I still don't have to worry about those few extra calories. *smirks* I just REALLY started that today (Shrimp alfredo--260 calories!!) and I'm going to forget the cereal until like 8:00-10:00 tonight, because that's when I seem to go into 'IMMA BINGE!' mode. =_=; I'm going to make this work, guys. It's gonna work.

As for the exercise, I went through a bunch of magazines I had piled up, mostly those magazines that promise THIRTY POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS WITH THIS ALL-NEW DIET PLAN!!!!!! but they usually have good exercises, so I cut out a bunch of the exercises and stored them in a binder. So now I have a go-to place when I just want an exercise to do. Plus, I walk or run a bit every day. And yesterday, I discovered an awesome way to exercise even more. See, I own a horse, and yesterday, I jumped up on her bareback, and ladies, if that doesn't make your legs work, nothing will. XD Plus, it works on balance and stuff, and it's just damn fun too! So I'm fairly confident I'm at least doing enough to maintain. All I have to do is step it up and I'll get back on the loss train.

December 17th is coming up fast! I'm hopinghopinghoping I can be at 125 by then. I don't think I'm going to make 120, but I can try. I'm just keeping it in the back of my head, though, because I don't want to discourage myself. I'm about 65% certain I can hit 125, though.

Who fails? I do! : D

It's taken me this freaking long to lose seven lousy pounds? I faiiiiil. D: But at least I lost it and I'm back in the saddle agaiiiiin. And I hope you guys caught that little joke, or I'll just fail at life in general. XD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6dx8AfTmQk

But anyway, yes, 135 and I still have the urge to smash my mirror. :D It keeps showing me this huge fat girl. Even though I still have fat all over my stomach, it's weird because I have a little bit of definition down the sides, and a little dent beside my hipbone--which gives me hope that my hipbones might actually start sticking out within the next 5-10 lbs.

A couple days ago, I was walking through the woods, and just started running for the heck of it. Let me tell you, if you start running, then lose about 25-30 lbs and then try running again... god, there's nothing like it. I felt like I was FLYING. It was amazing, and I need to go do it again.

By the way, I am soooo sorry if I'm rambling majorly right now. I haven't slept in the past three nights. Fricking insomnia. x_-;

I can't really think of everything else I was going to say. I'll probably think of it by tomorrow, though. XD

It's been a bad few days...

I've been binging like crazy these past few days.

I'm guessing it's because that 'time of the month' is coming up. But that's really no excuse.

I don't even know what I weigh right now. I haven't even had the heart to step on the scales.

Anyway, I have a date for the trip to my grandparents'. I think my mom said either the 17th or the 14th of next month. That gives me plenty of time. I want to be at least 125 by then--120 if I can manage it. However, I won't be able to manage anything but 200 unless I get myself UNDER CONTROL.

So I'm leaving until I get down to 135. If by some miracle I'm already 135 (remind me... HOW am I still an optimist?), I'm staying away until I'm 130.

Also, I'm going completely raw veggies only for three days, and then attempting a week on the Master Cleanse. I told my mom about it--all wide-eyed and 'OMG, I just want to lose, like, five more pounds--I think I'll be at a happy place there'--and she was all "Ok... if you want to... but only for three days, and you have to eat something if you start feeling weird." HAHAHAHA as if. I'm making one modification, though: no salt water flush. I know, I know, it's supposed to be really good... but I've heard it's also really easy to poison yourself with it. I'm kind of leery of it, so I'll be sticking with just my 'Premium Chinese (Or is it Japanese...?) Slimming Tea'. Delicious--no, really, it is. XD

So yeah, I'll see you guys later--probably on the other side of the Cleanse... oh, lord, let it work...

Stay strong, starve on. xoxo

Ok, I cannot take myself seriously anymore. Any time I plan on fasting, I always think "Maybe I can just have ____... just so my metabolism doesn't shut down? :D" so today I've had two salads--one fatass salad (with cheese, dressing ((At least it was italian...16 cals in the serving I had)), and steak chunks) and one completely dry, veggie only--and a bologna sandwich... on WHITE bread. And mayo! UGH!

I'm sick and tired of my fatass self being so... food addicted or whatever the hell I am!

So now I'm going to create some rules for myself. And a list of 'never to be eaten again' foods, and a list of 'safe' foods. Tomorrow, I'm keeping myself at 1-2 dry salads. No more fatassery from me. As for tonight... cold shower + no more food. And I'll be sleeping on the floor again and I'll call that part of my 'punishment'.

And yes, I am sleeping on the floor. XD I started cleaning my room yesterday, and as my bed just happened to be a large, flat surface... I sorted all my laundry out on it. Since I didn't get the floor completely clean, I didn't want to put the laundry back down and lost in the shuffle... so I put me in the floor. XD

I never said I was the most logical one of the bunch. =X But for tonight, it'll suit my purposes beautifully.

As for the cold shower, I'm going to start out at body temperature and slowly go until it's so cold I can barely take it, shower as slowly as I can, and then run a bath and stay there for... oh, an hour I guess. I'm going to go start soon so I don't talk myself out of it.

My goal by the end of this week is 130. Who's gonna actually reach her goal this time? I am! :D (Maybe <_<;) And I changed the slider on my weight ticker up there to a turtle a couple days ago--I think it's quite accurate. :P

---

And as for the comments about my dog yesterday, thank you, guys! XD He is an adorable little cuddlebug. :P He goes by many names... but he was originally named Pedro. XD But we mostly call him Peedee. :P

My boyfriend wants to see me dance like a slut. XDDD

I'm flattered, really, but... that just ain't gonna happen. I have too much wiggle in my walk, if you know what I mean. =_=; Just... rrrrgh. DX

But yes, lolfastfail. I keep doing this. So I'm redoing my plan. Since I seem to have trouble sticking to my fasts, I'm thinking it might be because I'm trying to do too much at once. So I'm going on a fast-eat-fast-eat-fast-eat-eat plan. Three fast days a week should be plenty to start me out. So I'm on an eat day right now, because the plan I just outlined up there starts at Sunday and ends on Saturday. So I'm fasting tomorrow, I guess. >_>; Ten bucks says I don-- fuck me. XD Ok, right, I need my positivity back.

On a positive note, I'm currently blogging without glancing over my shoulder every few seconds and thinking someone's about to come through my mom's bedroom door! : D Or past my chair at all! I usually have my computer in the living room. We have this little stretch of wall between my mom's bedroom door and the fireplace, and that's where my chair is. And it's just far enough away from the wall for someone to see the screen if they come through and look at it. If I was farther back, like right against the wall, I don't think that could be done as well. But as it is, I'm so paranoid I switch screeens anytime I even hear someone BREATHE in my mom's room. XD Which really gets tiring after a while.

So right now I'm sitting in my room (with spotty connectivity! Argh!), because my parents have someone coming over and didn't want my chihuahua attacking--he's been known to bite, plus he's LOUD. XDDDD

This is him. : P I have a better picture... somewhere... but I have no idea where. XD So yes, there's my fat little 8-year-old chihuahua. : P He's so adorable, yes? XDDD

I think that's all for now. So later, ladies! Stay strong! xoxo

Haha, take THAT!

Back down to my low weight. Stick THAT in your juice box and drink it, rice! x] I was totally expecting some kind of gain from my minibinge, but lo and behold, it was a -2 lbs since I'd last weighed... though I'm not sure that was yesterday... maybe day before? XDDD I dunno. I'm just glad I have one of those scales that keeps your last weight and shows you exactly how much you've lost since then. :P

By the way, am I the only one who finds the song Body Language by Jesse McCartney oddly thinspirational? I dunno... it just makes me suddenly have this drive to be skinny--plus whenever I hear it, I just can't help but dance, or at least tap my foot along. XD Which is why I made a thinspo video to it--the first one on YouTube, actually. o:




Enjoy it--I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. XD



So yes, I am fasting today! And I'm rocking it! I'm not going to allow myself to fail this time.

Stay strong! xoxo

Rice is officially on the 'demon spawn' list, along with pasta. At least it was brown rice. Fasting tomorrow! IDON'TCAREWHATMYFUCKINGBODYWANTSITWILLNOTHAVEIT!

King of the world

Haha, Anastasia, I love your idea. XDDD

Or maybe I should make a whole new blog... on a different account, of course... that details every little movement my cats make every day... "Oh, look! He's going to the litter box! Isn't that CUTE?! Now he's turning backflips! And licking his weiner!" Photos included! :D I swear to God, the look on his face would be PRICELESS. XDDDD Of course, then he'd realize I've just completely turned the bend--gone off the deep end, you might say. :D

I have no idea what my brain is doing right now. XD Coffee on a completely empty stomach always seems to make me crazy. XDDD Of course, I have absolutely NO plans to fill this empty stomach, so never fear!

But yus, I think my best bet would be to make a bogus account and a bogus blog. Because he knows me well enough to know my writing style, so I couldn't just hand him any old boring blog I find--I'd have to create it. :P The 'writer' in me is actually looking forward to it!


Ok, now as for food... I'm starting the three-day fast part of my fast-fast-eat-fast-fast-fast-eat program. I am going to cling to not eating with every little piece of me I can muster. I'm NOT going to fail. Last night while I was journaling, I realized I start out everything I do expecting to eventually fail. I figured... maybe it's been like a self-fullfilling prophecy. Maybe if I try going in with the mindset "I'm going to breeze through this", I actually will. It's a thought, anyway. :P

Also part of this new mindset is becoming more organized! I need to go to town, buy some binders and stuff and buy a desk--since I'm homeschooled, I could actually graduate high school by this summer if I knuckle down. I'm only 16, and then I could have about a year and a half to prepare myself for college so I can knock 'em dead. Lately I've just been kind of slacking off on that, but remember this new mindset! I'm going to get 'er done, once and for all.

The pessimist part of me keeps telling me "You know, you're always so gung-ho about stuff when you start it... but then you slack off..." It's going to take some doing to shut that little voice up.

And hopefully, keeping myself busy with everything will keep my mind off food. I'm going to be at least 115 by spring break! Count on that! And I'm also going to be 125 by the end of the month!

Thankfully, my mom has decided to postpone our trip to see my grandparents, but I'm still working under the assumption that we might still go then, so I better lose a lot of weight. I'm also trying to lose the weight because now I don't know WHEN she's planning on going, and she really won't say anything, so I'm trying to lose a bunch of weight so when/if she just suddenly springs on me "Oh, by the way, we're leaving next week" I won't have to panic, because I'll know I'm losing at my maximum capacity. (Wow, run-on sentences are fun. :D) I'm hoping to be at least 12o by the time that happens, though. XD

I'm serious now, ladies. And I'm running full-steam ahead to my goals--nothing's going to ever stand in my way again.

With love,

Me

FML

My boyfriend is asking for a link to my blog. He doesn't know about my 'food issues', but somehow he knows I have a blog. I'm going to kill my bff if he's the one who told. Because I mistakenly told HIM about it when I first started it. But thankfully never told him what it was about. So right at this very moment I am trying to throw my boyfriend off of my blog.

He says (7:04 PM):
*... *didn't know you had a blog* o__o
Me says (7:04 PM):
*What?
He says (7:05 PM):
*Wasn't told for a reason? xD
(I totally didn't panic at this point and start this post)
Me says (7:06 PM):
*I actually thought I told you. XDDD
He says (7:06 PM):
*... Srsly? xD I don't remember a link, at least
Me says (7:06 PM):
*Nawwww, it's boring. XDDDD
He says (7:07 PM):
*Awwwr, come now xD
Me says (7:07 PM):
*It's really boring. Srsly. XD

And that's as far as it's gotten. I'm still formulating what else I could say once he responds. I mean... what do I say that won't make him suspicious that something's wrong?!

Maybe I just oh-so-slyly change the subject. : D

But still, he knows now. And whate if he brings it up again?

FML. FML. FML!

I feel so inspired~

http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2009/10/supermodels-who-arent-superthin#slide=1

Inspired to gag!

I mean, why are all these fat women posing semi-nude? WHAT?!

I'm sick of all the "It's ok to be fat, America! LOVE URSELF!!!!" crap. Fa'real. Because then they just turn right around and worship the skinnies. Nobody loves somebody who jiggles like a bowl of jello when they walk.

"All it takes is confidence... pride in who you are... inner beauty! Because beauty is only skin deep. D;" WHAT. A. LOAD. OF. BULL. Nobody gives a crap about your confidence in yourself--I mean, they won't even bother getting to know you unless you're skinny. They just pretend not to see you if you're fat--or befriend you so they look skinnier standing next to you.

My mom is fond of spouting the line "Attraction isn't physical--it's about your personality!" Well if someone's going to be attracted to your personality, they first have to be attracted to your body, right? Because if they're like "Oh my god, look! A walking whale!" they're not going to want to get to know you or your personality, so that point is just kind of... no.


On a different note, I binged last night. =_=; It's like after that damn bowl of pasta, I just threw everything out the window--all bets were off, and my mouth was running for food. Three pumpkin muffins, MORE pasta, plus more pumpkin seeds than I'd planned on. My only saving grace was that I overdid the cayenne pepper on my seeds, so they were spicy as all hell, so hopefully that gave my metabolism a kick up the ass. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I'm pretty much fasting today. Today was supposed to be an 'eat' day, but I figured I had that yesterday. I'm going to have a salad tonight and that's IT. And then I have three fast days coming up tomorrow--which I'm probably going to ruin, but I'm going to get as far as I can into them. I mean, I finally completed a fast day before yesterday... who's to say I can't do it again? Just a few minutes at a time... plus gum and Sprite Zero. I swear to God, I worship that combo right now.

I also had my vitamins--discovering in the process why they say to take the cayenne pill with food. OW. But (TMI!) it gave me slight diarrhea, so that's a yay(I guess...? XD). They said to take three a day, spaced with your meals... so I have two more times of that. Though my third is going to be with my salad, so it probably won't affect me like that.
I also discovered some fiber pills--they're like 16 cals per two pills, though. They're that 'Fiber Choice' stuff. I figured I'd try them for a few days, too. I mean, fiber is always welcome. XD

Also, I read in SophiaRuins' blog that she tried that 'cold water makes you burn calories' stuff and that it worked. Umm... I tried it, too. XD I didn't make it even ten seconds. I was just standing there, counting slowly, attempting to make it to at LEAST thirty seconds before I leapt away, but I just couldn't hang. ._. Our water comes from a well... and it gets damn COLD out there! XDDD So the water was basically just about 10-20 degrees away from freezing. ._. So then I tried adding in a bit of warm water, just to bring up the temperature slightly so I could actually stand under it and get some results... and I made it thirty seconds. ._. Somehow, I doubt that's really doing anything for me. I'm going to keep trying though, definitely.

I've also discovered a new hobby--dancing like a total slut in the privacy of my bedroom. x] Fun way to burn calories! I'm just glad nobody can see--nobody likes to see a fat girl dance. Especially with all the dips and hip wiggling I do. XD And as Lola recommended a few posts back, I keep those arms above my head--at least every other song, for the entire song--and I feel the burn. I couldn't even pick up my can of diet soda after the first time I did that. XD I was like "...seriously? Am I really this weak? Are my muscles THIS out of tone? SERIOUSLY?!" It's still difficult, and I can't say that it's getting much easier, but hey, it's only been a few days. XD So, Lola, I love you, girl! In a totally platonic way, of course. ;P

I've also gotten into a rhythm of drinking a LOOOOT of water--which means a LOOOOOT of bathroom breaks. And so I had a brilliant idea: I would try doing tricep dips again, from the edge of my bathtub. Surprise: I felt it in my arms instead of my thighs. (Though I still feel it slightly in my thighs... a twofer? : D ) SCORE! So now I do ten tricep dips after every time I use the bathroom. I love being homeschooled, so I can do stupid crap like that. XD
I guess my arms just weren't on a low enough point the first times I tried doing it... Whatever, it's working now, so that's what I care about. XD Been thinking about adding in ten situps to that too. I can do them from my bed, with a pretty flat pillow under my back and head, and still feel the burn, so that's where I'm starting from. I've just gotta build up. x]

I'm going to go ahead and end this really long post now. I love you guys! Stay strong, think thin, etc! xoxo

I did it. I really did it. I made it through. I made it through a full day and most of a second day fasting. I just finished a bowl of pasta though. Once again, damn pasta. To hell. Etc. I mean, it's just so... delicious. Why are all delicious things so damn terrible?! It's not fair, I tell you! Why can't we make something delicious that's like, 0-cal or something? Well... diet soda is delicious and 0-cal... but when are they gonna make 0-cal pasta/chocolate/pizza or ANYTHING?! DX

I lost a pound this morning. o: I wonder how much I'll have lost tomorrow--I hope it's enough to get me back to 137. I did get up to 139 before my fast and was like "IF I BREAK 140 AGAIN, I WILL TAKE A KNIFE AND CARVE ALL THIS FAT OUT OF MY BODY. -_-;"

God, you have no idea how much I'm craving chocolate. I'll have to get chocolate soy milk next time I go to the store. <_<>_> I've usually been just getting vanilla, because it's only 70 calories per cup, but I'm just going to have to damn the extra 30 calories and have my chocolate. ._. Safest kind I can get, I guess. ._.

So I have a bunch of pumpkin seeds in the fridge right now, along with some fresh pumpkin. I need to do something with them. XD I'm roasting the seeds, just to try them out. But how many calories would that be? o_O I just looked it up (Praise be to Google!) and it says about 2-3 calories per seed. Though it is telling me they're full of protien and fiber... so does that offset the slightly high calorie count? Huh. Maybe. I can probably have a bit if I do wind up roasting them. Not many, but maybe a few.

Stay strong! xoxo

I'm just taking this day in 15-minute increments. Somehow, it's helping. I just go "Get through this 15 minutes and it'll all be ok. Just get through it." and just thinking that gets me through to the next section of the day without eating.

My fast is going hard, but I'm not eating. I can't afford to.

I did have one moment where I thought I was going to eat something--anything! But I just had this little gut feeling that if I even had something itsy-bitsy, I was going to go back for more... and more... and more. So I was standing in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, thinking about eating this... or that... or... oh, fuck, I can't! At one point I had a rice cake out of the bag and was going to eat it, but I just looked at it for a second. My stomach was saying "Come on... just eat it... it's only 35 calories, after all--it can't hurt anything! Just eat it!" But I somehow managed to put it back, wrap the bag up neatly and made myself a cup of tea. Oolong is <3. Plus it's supposedly 'slimming'. So whatever. XD Also, I had a teaspoon of worchestershire sauce while I was waiting for the water to heat up. 0 calories, plus it tastes strong enough that it helped me convince my stomach that I didn't need anything. Hopefully, I won't have any more moments like that today.

I am officially panicking.

Seriously.

Like, two weeks until we go see the grandparents and I have lost zilch In fact, I've gained a fucking pound. So that's thirteen lbs I have to lose in about TWO WEEKS. This is an EMERGENCY.
SO I am revamping my eating plan. I'm keeping to my 'fast' plan (Two fast, one eat, three fast, one eat, repeat), but on my eat days, I'm going to have a STRICT limit of 400 calories. Plus my exercise plans. I am going to be SO pissed/depressed if I have to go as the fat cow I am. I can't do that. I have to be perfect, I have to lose this weight.

I'm panicking. Full-fledged panicking. So I'm going to stop writing now, and I'm going to go exercise like a maniac.