Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm back again...

Unintended break there. I'm sorry about that. ^^;

I just needed some time to get my head back on straight after the whole breakup thing. I lasted about five days without food. I got down to 132, but then I started eating again, mostly because we went to my grandparents' that weekend. I don't know my weight anymore, because I just haven't really had the will or heart to get on the scale again after that.

So I've been eating. Not a lot, but I've been eating a bit. And exercising some too. I try to make what I do eat as nutritious and low-cal as possible. I'm planning to weigh in on Wednesday, but not touching the scale until then, just so I won't be disappointed.

Anyway, about the trip to my grandparents'... I didn't reach my goal, but I did lose a lot of weight. Everybody was definitely impressed, and that made me feel good.

In fact, when I saw all my old friends, I also saw one of my brother's friends, who I've had a crush on FOREVER. I'll call him 'J'. Usually whenever we'd see each other around, we'd just either wave/nod or when we did talk it was just "Hi" "Hey." or something like that. But this time, we actually had a conversation. And I think he was flirting a bit, which made me giddy. I need to work on my flirting skills, because currently I just blush and babble. XD! I don't even know if he recognized me, because he never even mentioned my brother. o_O But yeah, he said my accent was cute. I've always hated it, but hey, everybody else seems to love it, so whatever. XD

But anyway, that made me notice something. Guys check me out now. They never really did that when I was fat. It confuses me. I mean, I am by no means skinny yet, but they were still checking me out. How can they do that? I kept thinking about it, and somehow, it made me realize something. I realized... I am a woman. I know, that sounds weird. But I've spent the last several years thinking of myself as only 'fat' and 'worthless'. Nothing more. Just a little girl who couldn't be anything. Would never amount to anything. But now I've seen myself as 'woman', too, and with all the power that word brings. And when I realized that, something shifted. I don't know what or how, but something changed. Maybe the cosmos aligned, or maybe a forgotten wish upon a star came true. I don't know what happened, but it did happen, and it almost scares me.

I mean, I just feel so powerful, so utterly feminine. Like with just one well-placed wink or word, I could make a man promise me the world. I am a woman, and that knowledge, the power that word holds... it's frightening, but strangely exhilarating.

I've been looking for opportunities to try out this new 'power', but in all honesty, I just don't quite know how. I know I can be so much more, but something within me just wants to keep hiding behind the innocence of the little girl I once was. But I've seen this power used. I've even uncovered a bit of it myself. It's frightening, standing on the precipice of everything I could be, and yet not trusting myself and my instincts enough to take the plunge that could lead me to glory.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Heartbreak Diet

My boyfriend broke up with me on Monday for someone else.

I haven't eaten since. I'm hungry, but I just can't bring myself to eat. 7:00 Monday evening was my last meal. I just... I don't know. I'm happy about the fasting, but not happy about the breakup. God. What's wrong with me? I mean, I've always known I'm just nothing. Worthless. Not enough to hold anybody. I just... I don't know.

134 and still dropping.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I almost see bones!!!

Ok, so I am really really excited. My ribs are less than half an inch from making their first appearance. Right now, it's kind of weird. It's like... I can see them, but I can't see them. Where they're closest to the surface, I can just baaaaarely see a little bit. And when I move, it's like I can just barely see something moving under the surface of my skin. If you know what I mean. XD I mean, they are totally on the verge of appearing, and I am SO excited. I can't wait until they've fully appeared. XD

My hipbones are maybe an inch away. I always thought hipbones were supposed to show first, though? Maybe my idea of anatomy is screwed up. XD But yeah, I could not be more excited. I mean, I'm getting sick of only having collarbones--though collarbones are awesome. XD

So I heard about this grapefruit thing, reading SophiaRuins' blog archives. So I've been attempting to get myself to eat one grapefruit a day. So I cut it into eighths and have one piece every other hour (I think I've said this before, I can't remember. XD). So anyway, today I've done excellently for the first time. ^^ So far, eaten nothing but my grapefruit pieces. I just skipped one, so I don't know how that's going to go over, but I'm just basically testing myself. So I get to have another one at 8:30.

I'm so happy with myself today. Practically euphoric. ^^ Maybe this is a new beginning for me. A new start. A skinny start. ^^

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Maybe there IS a god...?

Ok, wow, so last night I was all "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!!!!"

But today, my mother has pleasantly surprised me. After my panic over going early, she checked her schedule for work again, and now we're going on the 19th. That's two whole days more than I would have had if we had stuck to the original plan and gone on the 17th. Honestly, I have never loved my mom more than I do at this moment. Sometimes she just doesn't get it, but sometimes she really surprises me and shows me just how much she does understand my crazy ways. I don't think she would understand if I told her about this blog or anything, but she understands my extremely low self-esteem, and does a lot to help me lose weight. Even though she thinks I'm 'skinny'. Er... no.

So today, we had one grapefruit left. I cut it up into eighths and am going to have one every two hours. I have roughly an hour left until my next one, but I'm pretty ok. Of course, that could be the fact I had about 40-50 cals of junk about forty minutes ago, but hey. I'm not going to throw the day away like I usually do. Usually if I eat something bad or go off my plan, I just say "Well hell, the day is screwed now anyway, so I might as well eat EVERYTHING!". But y'know, I'm not going to do that today. I'm stronger than that, and I damn well know it.

This morning I woke up at 137. I have been hanging out at 139-140, because my willpower and self-control went to shit, but hey, 137 is an extremely pleasant surprise. Of course, I just went back and weighed again and it's 139, but I'm just going to keep clinging to 137. I'm in a bit of an optimistic mood today, which I'm hoping won't screw me over by making me believe in miracles. Like "Oh, if I eat thirty-four pizzas and ten cheeseburgers, I won't gain weight. In fact, I'll lose! :D" Of course, it's optimism. Not stupidity. There IS a difference. XD

So since hearing jumping jacks burn one calorie per jack, I've been planning on doing 200 a day, slowly building up to 500-1000. Not all at once, mind you. Spread out. XD! Of course, if they're all at once, that would just be awesome, but... I don't think I'm quite there yet. XD So yeah, I'm working on that. Plus, for the past five days I've been walking two miles a day. It's not much, but at least I'm finally getting myself out and getting a bit of exercise done.

A few days ago (Can't remember when, exactly...) I said I was giving up coffee for a week. Er... I'm thinking about running in the kitchen and making myself some. XD I want some so bad, but I just... nyeh. I want to be good. D: But coffee always makes me less hungry, so... I dunno. D: Trying to decide if it's worth finishing my coffee-less challenge or drinking some and perhaps not having the urge to eat as much.

Eh, I'll just go for it. XD I've done well for several days now, and that's good enough. XD

So yeah, I noticed I've got a few new followers again. If I don't follow any of you guys, leave me a link to your blogs and I'll go follow you. Like I've said before, I don't comment a lot, but I do always read. Plus, I'm trying to get a little better at the not-commenting thing. ^^

Monday, December 7, 2009

Emergency fast--effective IMMEDIATELY

My mom has just sprung on me that we might be going to my grandparents' house THIS WEEKEND.

I can't. I'm fat. I'm horribly, horribly fat, I can't go and see them, see my friends. I'm fatfatfatfat!!!!!

So I'm fasting. Completely. I might or might not have my rice cakes. I might just go on water alone. I'm panicking! I'm completely panicking. I have to exercise like crazy, stop eating. STOP EATING, YOU FAT COW!!!!

I literally panicked the moment my mom told me. I can't do this. I can't lose enough by this weekend! What am I going to do?!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Fuck you, how do you like me NOW?!

My dad is a douchebag fuckface when it comes to weight. He's the type that can stay skinny as hell, even when he eats like crap. Unfortunately, I took the 'fat' genes from each side of the family. The females on my dad's side of the family are short, with short, chunky legs and short, stubby fingers. On my mom's side of the family, they're basically the same. So surprise, surprise, I got that too. Fortunately, my fingers aren't extremely short and stubby, but they're not long and graceful, either. However, my legs ARE short and chunky. But I digress.

So I've been adhereing to my two rice cake a day diet (yesterday and most of today), and nobody's noticed yet. But just a few minutes ago, my head was hurting and I was shaking, so I went and got a piece of bread with a little bit of jelly on it. Well, my dad glances at it and is like "Why the hell are you eating when I'm making supper in two hours?" and I'm like "...It's just half a sandwich... I've hardly eaten anything all day..." and he's like "So you're just going to undo all the weight you've lost in the past few months?" Ok, so that pissed me off. I wanted SO bad to tell him to go screw himself. But no, I'm going to do something better. I'm going to finish my half a sandwich and then redouble my willpower. I'm not going to eat supper tonight or any other night. Once I'm thin and frail that fucktard will be BEGGING me to eat, and I'll just throw it back in his face like "Oh, and undo all my hard work of the past few months? Sorry, don't think so."

So fuck you, take THAT!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Questions, answers, and the woes of yakking. ._.

I just had a very weird experience.

I woke up, I ate my fourth of rice cake, took my multis and then sat down to work on my novel. Well, I haven't brought myself completely out of binge-mode yet (How could I? It's only been a couple of days...), and I was craving scrambled eggs on toast like you wouldn't believe. So I held out for a while, sipped on my ice water (I decided to give up coffee and tea for a week), but finally I just couldn't take it. I figured one slice of bread (100) and an egg (70) wouldn't really hurt much--I could just cut out the rest of my rice cake pieces, right? ... Right? Of course! Now let me go stuff my face!

So I made it and ate it and immediately felt nauseous. I was like 'Ok, it'll pass... wow, that's uncomfortable...' but then, I knew that if I didn't get to the restroom RIGHT NOW, I was going to hurl all over my keyboard. So I went and I yakked. And as a word of caution, please refrain from yakking after taking a cayenne supplement. .____. It just made the whole experience that much more unenjoyable. I mean, besides the fact the bread was in a lumpy mess. .__.

But anyway, that's totally weird, because nothing like that's ever happened before. I'm semi-grateful, because I think I got up at least 75-90% of the bread and eggs, and they hadn't really had time to settle at all, so I shouldn't have gotten many calories from the part I did get up.

I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's linked to the fact I took too many fiber supplements. (It said to take two, and I took... four, I think. Stupid, I know.) But whatever it is, it's weird, it's over, and let's hope it doesn't happen again. I like my teeth and don't want to puke them out.

As for the Q&A I offered yesterday, only Africana asked me anything. :3 So just in case y'all didn't see it yesterday, the offer still stands. :P

"I have a question! What motivates you? How would you define your goal? And what is something about you that no one knows?

Okay, that was questions but still...I love when people share. :)"

Hmm... I think most of my motivation comes from the fact I've been 'overweight' for as long as I can remember. I can't even remember when I was actually in the 'normal' BMI range. So now all I want is to remember a good, long stretch in the low-normal/high-underweight range. Another one of my motivators is my boyfriend. We've never actually met in-person, though we're planning on something this spring. I don't want him to see me like this--I can't. So that gives me gigantic motivation whenever I think about it.
As for my goal, I just define it as a place I can finally look in the mirror and smile. A place I can feel happy and confident--where I can stop hiding behind baggy t-shirts and baggy jeans. Honestly, I really don't know where that place will be, exactly. I'll definitely know it when it comes, though.
Something about me nobody knows... now if I told you, somebody would know, yes? ;P Kidding... er.... well, one thing that only like one or two people know or suspect is I'm actually an extremely sensitive person. I kind of try to act like I don't care what people say about me, and I don't really need anybody to like/love me, but actually I do care--a lot. It's not that huge of a secret, but hey, whatever. XD

Until next time, ladies!

Friday, December 4, 2009

I'm so out of the swing of things.

It's like my little binge weeks and what-not have completely destroyed any self-control I might have possibly been gaining.

When I told you guys I was going to fast, I did fast. For a day, and then I started eating again. I'm currently up to 138. Thirteen days left until we go see my grandparents. I've given up my plans for 125, and am hoping for 130 at best, but it's most likely going to wind up as about 133-135. IF I can get myself back under control.

So my new diet? Two rice cakes a day. Cut into fourths, so that's eight little pieces I can have. And at 35 calories each, that's 70 calories per day. And I've started my vitamins again. Usually, getting back on those lets me lose and keep off maybe a pound or two. I don't know what it is, but it works so I'm not going to question it. Much. :P

How do you ladies get yourselves back on track? Just an iron will? Or is there a way you ease yourself back into things?

Also, sometimes I feel like I'm kind of... cold and impersonal here on my blog. I mean, you guys are great to follow it, even though you don't know a thing about me.
So to remedy this situation, ask me any question you want. Anything at all, and I'll answer all the questions in my next blog post. XD Ought to be interesting. :P

Oh, and if you follow me, and I don't follow you, leave me a link to your blog, and I'll go check it out, and more than likely follow you back. ^^ I don't comment much, but I do sometimes. But I do always read. :P

Weight Graph