Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm back again...

Unintended break there. I'm sorry about that. ^^;

I just needed some time to get my head back on straight after the whole breakup thing. I lasted about five days without food. I got down to 132, but then I started eating again, mostly because we went to my grandparents' that weekend. I don't know my weight anymore, because I just haven't really had the will or heart to get on the scale again after that.

So I've been eating. Not a lot, but I've been eating a bit. And exercising some too. I try to make what I do eat as nutritious and low-cal as possible. I'm planning to weigh in on Wednesday, but not touching the scale until then, just so I won't be disappointed.

Anyway, about the trip to my grandparents'... I didn't reach my goal, but I did lose a lot of weight. Everybody was definitely impressed, and that made me feel good.

In fact, when I saw all my old friends, I also saw one of my brother's friends, who I've had a crush on FOREVER. I'll call him 'J'. Usually whenever we'd see each other around, we'd just either wave/nod or when we did talk it was just "Hi" "Hey." or something like that. But this time, we actually had a conversation. And I think he was flirting a bit, which made me giddy. I need to work on my flirting skills, because currently I just blush and babble. XD! I don't even know if he recognized me, because he never even mentioned my brother. o_O But yeah, he said my accent was cute. I've always hated it, but hey, everybody else seems to love it, so whatever. XD

But anyway, that made me notice something. Guys check me out now. They never really did that when I was fat. It confuses me. I mean, I am by no means skinny yet, but they were still checking me out. How can they do that? I kept thinking about it, and somehow, it made me realize something. I realized... I am a woman. I know, that sounds weird. But I've spent the last several years thinking of myself as only 'fat' and 'worthless'. Nothing more. Just a little girl who couldn't be anything. Would never amount to anything. But now I've seen myself as 'woman', too, and with all the power that word brings. And when I realized that, something shifted. I don't know what or how, but something changed. Maybe the cosmos aligned, or maybe a forgotten wish upon a star came true. I don't know what happened, but it did happen, and it almost scares me.

I mean, I just feel so powerful, so utterly feminine. Like with just one well-placed wink or word, I could make a man promise me the world. I am a woman, and that knowledge, the power that word holds... it's frightening, but strangely exhilarating.

I've been looking for opportunities to try out this new 'power', but in all honesty, I just don't quite know how. I know I can be so much more, but something within me just wants to keep hiding behind the innocence of the little girl I once was. But I've seen this power used. I've even uncovered a bit of it myself. It's frightening, standing on the precipice of everything I could be, and yet not trusting myself and my instincts enough to take the plunge that could lead me to glory.

1 comment:

  1. Thats f*ckin cool! I remember the first time I felt like that, and it was the best feeling in my life. Only for me I was skinny growing up, and I got fat, but I always saw myself as this skinny little girly dork. till it hit me, I wasn't. Just remember, YOUR A GREAT PERSON!


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