My mother irritates me.

I love her, but she irritates me. She's always on her 'pity wagon', plus always nagging at me to 'do this, do that... no wait, don't do that, do this instead... ah, hell, do both!'

She's always complaining about how I don't 'do anything for her', when I generally do my chores and whatever else she asks unless I'm sick or about to faint, as I have been for a couple days, so admittedly, I have let a little slack by me, but still.
She was complaining about how I didn't do the dishes last night, or iron any clothes. I was about to explode, because she's been nagging ALL MORNING about it.
Well I'm sorry I hurt my foot last night, so standing on it--when it's painful just sitting!--to do freaking dishes and iron stupid clothes wasn't utmost on my mind. I'm sorry I nearly fainted in the shower. I'm sorry I don't jump and run at the snap of your fingers. I'm sorry I'm a pathetic excuse for a daughter, and I'm sorry you had to get stuck with me!

Bleh. Sorry about that. I just had to get it out. It's just so... uuuuugh.

I ate again. =_=; My dad cooked lunch, and I had like... three teaspoons, plus a tiny slice of garlic bread. I'm actually kind of proud of myself, because I did get a reasonable amount of food, just to make them not realize, but I sat there (Because luckily, since it was lunch, we didn't eat around the table), ate a tiny little spoonful, pretended to eat a few more, nibbled at my tiny slice of bread, ate another tiny spoonful... etc. So by the time I had my third spoonful and finished the bread, it had been about twenty minutes, which I figured was a reasonable amount of time to keep them in the dark, so I was like "Oh, that was delicious!" and then, since I was alone in the kitchen, scraped the rest into the dog's bowl, which the cats and the dog immediately swallowed in about four seconds. Maybe I should feed them more, if they're starving to death like that. XD

I am kind of pissed that I CAN'T FREAKING FAST PROPERLY, though. I HAVE to lose twelve pounds in three weeks. I HAVE to. And this foot HAS to heal so I can walk like a person instead of a duck. =_=;
I mean, I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my stomach is getting a tiny little bit of definition, so it's not just this huge blob of fat hanging down... it's a huge blob of fat with definition! : D
I swear, I would be happy as a flea on a hound dog if I could LOSE MY ARMS. I swear to God, I don't think I've lost ANYTHING off them, even from my high weight. I've started doing those tricep dip things, where you hold onto the edge of the seat of a chair and dip down. You know what I'm talking about? XD Yeah, anyways, I've started doing those. But I only feel anything in my freaking thighs. I mean, what the hell?! They're not even INVOLVED! So now I'm doing some work with dumbells too, just PRAYING it'll tighten up some before we go. DX
I'd really love losing my legs, too. I'm starting to be just a bit happier with them--my knees are actually less puffy than they were two weeks ago, so that's making me happydance. XD But still. I just feel like a fat girl trying to masquerade as a skinny chick and not quite making it.

I mean, at what point does 'normal' society stop seeing someone as 'fat' or 'overweight' and start seeing them as 'skinny'? Because, yeah, I'd like to reach that point so I can move on from there instead of trying to make it down from an obese whale.

I'm not having a very good day today. Even though I've screwed up every fast period and eaten... today, I'm extremely dizzy whenever I stand up, plus my vision does that really trippy 'fade-to-black' thing. I actually almost passed out once. I was in the kitchen trying to fix a cup of tea. I was feeling really nauseous and dizzy, so I sat down. My vision faded down to black and I thought I was going to really and truly pass out that time. After about thirty seconds, my vision came back, and I was fine, except my hands were tingling. That really freaked me out, because nothing like that's ever happened before. So since today's an eat day, I'm making the most of it and eating probably more than I should, but I don't want to experience that again soon. Today's tally is one salad, three 70-cal pudding cups, one bologna sandwich and for supper I'm planning on having a biscuit with bacon and tomato and another salad, plus some Jello I currently have setting in the fridge. Not exactly vegetarian today, but I'm cheating since I really don't want to completely pass out this early in the game, which would make my parents extremely suspicious.

I'm still at 137, but that's fine, because I didn't really expect to lose a pound in one day. XD I'm content to hang out here for today and then start losing again. I'm REALLY wanting to be 135 by Saturday. Since that's only 2 lbs, I could probably barely squeak in, but I guess we'll see. XD
I'm tentatively estimating I could be down to 125 by the time we make the trip to my grandparents', but I might lose a little more, maybe a little less. It's about two and a half weeks, maybe three until we're planning on going, and I'm absolutely positive I can at least get down to 130 by that point. 125 might be just a little out of my reach, but I'm going to come as close as possible, and maybe get to that point WHILE I'm there. : P

Also, I've discovered I really enjoy making Thinspo videos. It's fun and keeps my mind away from food for a little while. On my sidebar, I have a video I made a week ago, plus one I finished today. Check 'em out, let me know how I'm doing with them--I know they probably suck, but I'm just barely starting out. : P (if you wanted to add me on YouTube, I'm somedayperfection16)

Last, but most certainly not least, I wanted to give a big ol' hug to my new followers! I applaud your bravery in wanting to read all my ramblings. : P
And in answer to Aimee's question, yeah, I use a scale--I just want a measuring tape so I can know my measurements. (P.S. Go follow her blog, ladies! She needs more followers!)

If I can find the measurements I took at my high weight, I'll post them plus my current measurements. : P

Until next time! xoxo

o_o

I am officially at...



THE HALFWAY POINT.



Like, no shit. 35 lbs lost, 35 left to go. OH MY GOD. I am... Freaking out. This is HEYYYUGE. Well, not as HEYYYUGE it'll be once there's 70 lost and 0 left to go, but you get what I'm saying here. ;P
It's also kind of... scary, in some odd way. To be looking back and thinking "Damn, I really did come all this way. I'm halfway there. o:" But then you look ahead and say "And now I have all that still in front of me. OH LAWD."
If I plateau now, I'm going to stab something. =X

I am going to be SO fucking hot by spring break. >=D

Warning: Long, rambling post consisting of bones, measuring tapes, clothes, friends, heritage, and waffling about maybe posting photos of my fat self so I can have MIDWAY and AFTER photos begins NAO.

I was laying on my floor last night, and it was weird. Because usually I have a nice, soft, really gross cushion of fat all over. But last night, I could feel my hipbones against the floor. Not, like, majorly, but I could feel these two little bumps against the floor. So I stood up, made sure there was nothing under me and then layed back down. That's when I figured out what it was. XD So then I stood up and raced to my mirror. They don't stick out yet. FML. D: But I can FEEL them! And that's something, right? D:

My collarbones are also becoming more and more prominent. They started just barely peeking out when I was at about... oh, 155-160. I was like OMG I HAVE BONES. XD And so I always walked around with my shoulders held in the exact right position to make them pop forward as much as I could make them--which wasn't much. : P But now they stand out pretty well on their own, even without me walking around looking all weird. :3 The tops are pretty well hollowed--they still have a little bit to go, I think, and the bottoms are just barely starting to hollow out. I can't WAIT until it's through popping out of my fatty layers! I LOVE collarbones!

Also, my shoulderblades are starting to make an appearance. I didn't ever really pay attention to them while I was fatter, but I think they didn't stick out. Now I have two little shoulderblade bumps, especially right at the top of my shoulder, where they begin, but then they kind of make a little point down a little farther along my back.

Plus, when I move my fingers around, you can see the bones in my hand moving under the skin. XD How cool is that?! After being fat my whole life, it's pretty much amazing to me to see stuff like this, rather than my fat jiggling all over the place.

I need to measure myself. After I get a new tape measure. My old one is shot pretty much to hell. Damn mice. =_= They've nibbled all along it, plus it was stuffed in a drawer, so it's all wrinkled up. I don't think there's any hope left for the poor thing. XD I believe it's time to move on. D: Maybe I can find a really cool-looking one, rather than just basic white-with-black-numbers. : D

I've also got my outfit planned out for when we go to see my grandparents. I got this really awesome bomber jacket yesterday, so I'm going to go all 'motorcycle gang' on them. :P Tightish jeans, plain white t-shirt, my jacket... and I'm still debating about my shoes. I have these dark grey converse high-top knockoffs that have this awesome pattern of guitars across them, but meh. I dunno. XD I'll figure it out. : P Boots, maybe. But I don't think I have the right boots. Because I don't think my 'cowboy' boots'll work--though they are REALLY cute, especially when I'm riding. : P I have low-top converse knockoffs in red... but still, not really sure. XD

As for church, when I'll see my friends... I've gone all-out on that outfit. It's a shortish black skirt that hits about two inches above my knee, a white button-down, these black booties that kind of look like moccassins, my bomber jacket, plus a dark metallic gold belt. It actually all looks really cool together--I'll have to take a picture of it, both now, and when we go. Just to see if I've made any kind of dent in my weight. : P

I just want to always look really cute and SKINNY while we're there. XD Silly? Oh yus. But necessary? OH HONEY SLAP ME YES. Last time they saw me, like I said, was at my heigh weight, and I was always covering up in baggy jeans and baggy t-shirts--one of which I now wear as a nightshirt...That I'm actually still wearing now, and really should go change. XDDD But I shall finish this really long-ass blog post first! :D

I'm still really nervous, even after I connected with my old friends on Facebook yesterday--I'm just wondering if when they saw my photo, if they saw any weight loss. Because my mom had a few pictures of me at my hw on her Blackberry that I was looking at yesterday... I had NO cheekbones, my face was completely round, my thighs were even worse than they are now, my boobs were huge... I think now I can actually see a slight difference. Because now I have a jawline, my cheekbones are starting to become more prominant--My cheeks actually have this teeny-tiny hollow at the back, close to my hairline, that extends about mid-way. Can only be seen if you're really looking for it, though. XD
I love my cheekbones--I have the high Indian cheekbones. My dad's grandma was a full-blooded Cherokee Indian. I'm so glad I take after his side of the family--at least in this case. My hair is pretty dark, and my skin has this kind of olive-ish tone, though my mom's total 'white-girl' heritage really diluted the color it COULD have been (Which also makes me look REALLY sallow and sick when I get too pale =_=; ). XD I have these really dark eyes, plus, yay, the cheekbones. XD
My dad, however, looks like this total cross between Hispanic and Indian. XD He was telling us about how one time he went into a grocery store, and while he was checking out, the cashier was trying to talk to him in Spanish! XDDD I just... I swear, I wish I'd gotten my dad's hair instead of my mom's. Kind of, I guess. My mom's hair has these tight-ish curls that are kind of frizzy and all-over-the-place, with a mind of their own. My dad has fairly straight hair. FML!!! I've got loose curls that tend to frizz like mad unless I put stuff on them. XD But they look ok, once I get the frizz tamed down, so I just really don't know. XD

Also, I had this idea about posting photos of Fatty Me up, just so you guys can get a... well, not 'before' but still kind of 'fat' to 'thin' photos. I just don't know... I look SO DAMN FAT. D: So yeah, you guys choose if you want to see... I could be your reverse thinspo? :D And make you go OH GOD DAMN when you think that there was actually 35 MORE pounds packed on me. ._. I just... really don't tend to carry much extra weight well. It goes to my thighs, butt and stomach, but after it fills those out, it runs to my boobs and upper arms. Which reminds me, I need new bras. Maybe I'm down to a B-cup now. That would be deliciously AMAZING. :D I need to get myself professionally measured, because I don't have a clue how to do it properly. But... geez, that just seems embarrassing to me. I mean... how do they do it? Are you just standing there naked while this total stranger wraps a measuring tape around your boobs? DX I guess it would be better than wearing an ill-fitting bra... but still. XD I'm actually a fairly modest person! XD

Ok, ok, ending this post now. XD If you actually read this far, I love you sosososo much, and here, have many hugs. : D *hughughughughughughughughughughughug!* :D

I'm kind of sad. My boyfriend seems to be losing interest in me. :\ He's been leaving more, not talking to me as much and just... things don't feel the way they used to. I'm still very crazy about him, but he just seems to not be very crazy about me. It's like we're just drifting apart. I've tried being more interesting when we talk, but that never seems to help. I've tried a lot of things, but he doesn't really seem to respond.
So now I'm redoubling my efforts on what I KNOW will make him look at me in a new light.
We've been making plans to meet up during spring break--he hasn't asked his parents yet, even though we started talking about it at the end of August. -_-; I'm working EXTREMELY hard to reach 102 by that point, just in case it actually DOES happen. If I am skinny and beautiful, how can he resist me? But if he never works up the balls to actually ask his parents... how will it even happen in the first place?

Also, there's that trip to my grandparents' next month. I'm getting more and more nervous about it--I just really don't know if I can lose enough weight to be happy by then. And then they don't have a scale there--how will I keep myself on track?! It'll look suspicious if I take my own scale. :\ I'm just really starting to freak out about all of it.

Plus, my dad was trying to talk me out of my vegetarianism today. Excuse me? Why would I give up the one thing I can really count on to keep me out of family meals? He always cooks stuff with meat, and so I always look vaguely grossed out about it, and then get a salad or something. He was like "It's only meat--besides, I think you've lost enough weight." I just gave him this look for a second, and barely kept myself from screaming "ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?! I AM STILL FAT!!!!" but I just said "I'm wanting to stick with this for a while longer." He gave up pretty quickly after, but I don't think he's through yet.
My mom was doing the same thing. Like she was saying "As long as you avoid the fat on the meat, it should be ok." Now with her, I can pretty much just roll my eyes and she gets the message. So that's what I did. She's not big on meat, so I guess that's why she's not pushing it as much as my dad. But still, why do they see it as such a huge thing? It's irritating. My life, people. You control just about everything else I do, so don't even try to control what I put into my body--you're just trying to make me fatter. -_-;

I stopped losing. D: I've just been hanging out at 139 for the past couple of days. ._. It's kind of frustrating. D:

So on my new routine, it's an eat day. Not that that makes much of a difference, as I've ruined all the fast days so far by eating. At least it's always been something small rather than a full-out binge, but still! It makes me angry. D< I have two fast days tomorrow, so hopefully I can lose some then. I've also been exercising a bit, so that should help.

I'm not a very happy camper today. D:

I reached my first weight goal today. : D Even though I messed up last night and had pasta. DAMN pasta. DAMN IT TO HELL. Why must it be so damn tasty?! DX

But haha, IN YO' FACE, PASTA! 139, sucka'!

I almost had a heart attack this morning when I stepped on the scale. I just saw the '9' at the end and I was like "FUCKHOWDIDIGAINNINEPOUNDSFROMONEBOWLOFPASTAFUCKFUCKFUCKETYFUCK-Oh, wait... that says 1-THIRTY-9. Doi. *foreheadsmack* ...Wait. One-WHAT?! THIRTY?! AWEMAIGAWDAWEMAIGAWDAWEMAIGAWD!!!!!!!!1!" I then proceeded to dance naked around my bedroom and bathroom while singing "I WILL NEVER SEE A FOUR ON THE SCALE AGAIN!"
I am really happy I was the only one awake at the time. Otherwise, the maniacal laughter might have drawn a crowd. D: So then I grabbed a pair of sweats and cut them off into shorts, despite it being 55 degrees outside. XDDD Needless to say, I've been very good today. Only 50 calories. :D Which kind of defeats the whole 'fast' concept, but whatever--I can allow for 50 calories worth of slack. XD

So we're going to see my grandparents the week before Thanksgiving. Which means going back to the town we used to live in, and me seeing my old 'friends' when we go to church. D: Last any of them saw me, I was at my high weight (172), so they're going to be kind of "Wtf?!" anyway. XD I'm really really REALLY wanting to get down to 125 before we go, anyway. Just to add more to the "WTF?!" factor. XD
I'm already planning on getting my hair cut and dyed. :3 It's going to be like Hayley from Paramore. I was gonna get it dyed like that, too, but then I decided I was just going to do my tips and pin streaks through my bangs. Now the only question is what freaking color. DX I've been trying to decide between white, blue-ish green and red. Seriously, it's driving me crazy. I'm leaning away from red, because I have this hair magazine, and from the photos in it, red, purple and pink are fairly popular right now, and I'm not really wanting to 'blend'. :\ I want to stand out just a bit.
Plus, it would be LOVELY if I could grow like two inches. D: I'm just tired of being 5'4". DX
Ah, lawdy. XD

So I started my new exercise program today. Umm... I suck. I can only do one freaking sit-up! And with much struggling, too! DX I can do five girl pushups, though. Though I tend to only go down like half an inch after the first two. =_=; So I guess I can only do two. XD I can do five burpees, though I'm not sure I'm holding proper form all the way through. <_< I can still run about 200 yards, but I do get pretty slow on the last half. I fail at fitness. =_=;
But I'm going to keep working at it and working hard so that when we're staying with my grandparents I can be running around doing my routine and they're like "Omg, she's working so hard on this" plus then I'll be able to burn off all the fatty crap they'll be trying to stuff down my throat. =_=; I'm mainly wanting to lose a lot of weight before we go, because my grandma ALWAYS makes comments. I do realize she only loves me and is trying to help, but Jesus Christ, don't you think I'm self-consious enough without you making these little comments? I'm wondering if when we get there, she's going to make a comment like "You still have some to go, though" or something along those lines. That would REALLY piss me off. I mean, I KNOW I have a lot to go, but still! AUUUUUUGH. I'm getting really stressed out about all of it. I'm just glad it's not for a few weeks yet, so I still have time to get some work done.

Ok, so I'm starting a new fast. Two fast days, one eat day, then three fast days, then another eat day. And then it starts over. :P
I figured that since I've pretty much screwed up my other fasts, mostly right at the end, I'd just get like RARG I MUST EAT and then I eat. But it's usually been something small, like a few bites of beans or something. It still makes me feel like a failure, though. <_<;
So today is the start of the three-day stretch. And I'm gonna ROCK ITS SOCKS OFF! Rah, rah, rah!
...Yes, I am a bit hyper, thanks for noticing. :D

Oh, yeah, and I'm 140.2 lbs now. XD Lowest weight EVAR, d00ds. Like, woah. :D

Glee~

I'm going to try a two-day fast again. I feel very fat, very afraid of my scale... so I'm just gonna do it. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday morning, and it said 142. So I've just been afraid to step back on it. But tomorrow I will, after I have a fast day behind me and one ahead.

I kind of like fasting, actually. It takes away all the trouble of calorie counting. :P Plus I just love that empty feeling and the growl that just kind of starts tiny and slowly builds up to a deep growl that pulls across your entire stomach. If you know what I mean. XDDD

I love that shirt, but it makes me look bigger than I am. D: I guess I could add a belt or something on top, but I just didn't feel like it today. :P After all, I was only going to the lake to take pictures. XDDD But yes, this is one of the ones I took today--one of my favorites, except for some others I took of myself, but they have my face or I would show them to y'all. D:

Today, I actually took some of the best pictures of me ever. Most pictures of me from the past are candids, so they look stupid. And these I took today aren't even staged THAT much, as I only had an autotimer on my camera, so I just barely had time to rush in front and position myself. XD So they're not candid, but they're not staged-staged either. They're my favorites right now. XD
Do you like my Little Red Bracelet, by the way? (Even though you probably didn't even notice it until I pointed it out, and even now probably can't tell much about it. :P) I made it two days ago. It's a few red glass beads with a silver dragonfly charm. It's fairly simple, but it's actually really adorable. I feel kind of funny wearing it, as I'm not sure I've earned the... I dunno... 'right' to wear one yet, but still, I feel like it's something I need to do as a visual reminder to stay on track, so I'm just going to keep wearing it. :P

My eating kind of went to shit today. I've had a horrible migrane all day, and when I have one, I just feel like EATING and praying "maybe this'll make it go away..."

So I had the yogurt this morning, and then I bought a cookie (300-something 350?) on my way out to the lake. When I got home, I had supper which consisted of a salad (Ooooh, I feel healthy. [/sarcasm]) and some of the vegetarian lasagna/german chocolate cheesecake I made for my dad's birthday. So I'm guesstimating I'm around 1000-1500 calories today. Nyegh. ._. I'm just glad I have the ABC starting up again tomorrow. Maybe that'll help me feel less fat.

My boyfriend finally emailed me today. Was all gushygushy about New York and how I'd love Central Park. Umm... I'd prefer to stay out here in the woods--a park in the middle of a city can't really compare to what I've got. I've got forests and fields, lakes and open roads, rivers and creeks... I've got pretty much everything I need right here.
I'm not willing to hem myself into a city just so I can see their damn stinkin' park. :P

I am a country girl and proud!

I feel like singing Christmas songs already. D: And that's really weird, because I'm not very big on the whole Christmas thing. Damned commercialism ruined it for me. <_<; Not to mention all those people walking around chirping "Jesus is the reason for the season! : D" Umm... what planet did you come from, dear? Christmas started out as a PAGAN holiday that the Christians took over. <_<; GREED is the reason for the season these days. Squeee~

...Why am I ranting on Christmas and it's not even Halloween yet? XDDD OMGHALLOWEEN. My FAVORITE holiday EVER. EEEEEP!


So yes, in about an hour, the car is MIIIIINE. >: D I'm planning on going out to this little park that has this BEAUTYMOUS lake and taking pictures--amateur photographer here. : P I started back in January, became hooked. I mostly do nature stuff, but I'm planning on using myself as a model today. I can only imagine how fugly these pictures will turn out. : D
It'll also get me out of the house and relieve this mind-numbing boredom that keeps telling me to go swallow the kitchen. =_=;
Luckily, though, I haven't listened. All I've had so far is a 35 calorie yogurt. :3 That's still a screw-up, because I was supposed to fast today, and then go back to day 3 of the ABC tomorrow, since I put it aside for my bread-and-ricecake-diet. But still, it's better than what it could have been.

I'm also planning on applying for a job while I'm out. Once again, that'll get me out of the house and keep my mind off eating. I'm excited. :3
My dad's cooking right now. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but the smell is bringing back nostalgia like nothin' else. I'm not even sure what it is I'm remembering. It's just a bunch of vague, unspecific, totally disconnected memories.

I should go get ready so I can just walk out the door when my mom comes home from work. I've gotta get out of here soon. Been cooped up for two days now, and I just want to get out on the open road, roll my windows down and sing at the top of my lungs to the radio. Most people tend to do that in the summertime, but hey, I'm a rebel. >:3

Stay wonderful, stay strong, and think thin!

I hate this. I hate feeling so dependent on someone. I hate this.. needing someone so much that it hurts to the bone when they're not there. I hate breathing but not taking in oxygen. I hate feeling so trapped in my own skin. I hate wanting to run so far, but knowing it'll never be far enough. I hate feeling like I have to burn the forest down just to find a drop of air to pull into my lungs. I hate this pressure in my chest, knowing I'm on the verge of breaking.

Why do I need him so much? Why does it hurt me so much that he hasn't even attempted to contact me for the past three days?
I did email him last night, and I'm going to wait two more days before I really allow myself to completely break. I don't want to, but I know I will anyway. I don't want to need him like this. But I do.

And I really hate the fact I sound like a melodramatic bitch right now.

I found a stickbug. :D

I totally did. :D His name is Morton and he's missing a leg. Poor Morton. =<

Ok, adorable little stickbugs aside, last night was ok. I did eat more than I'd planned to, but didn't go out of control with my eating--I kept myself in control of it. I was afraid I'd gain, though, because I did have some of the German chocolate cheesecake I made--which was FUCKING DELICIOUS by the way XD--but as it turns out, I didn't. I lost .2 of a pound. I probably would have lost more without it, but a loss is a loss, right? Now that I've had my little eat-normally day, I can get back to eating as little as possible.

Also, Aunt Flo decided to visit early this month. BOOOO. I alway get terrible cramps on the first day, but I'm not this time... wonder why. It's kind of... weird. XDDD But I am SO not complaining. XDDD I am a leeetle bit nauseous for some reason, though. ._.
But after it's over, I always lose maybe half a pound to a full pound, sometimes a little more, so I'm excited about that. :D

Ok, I have a question for you guys. What kind of supplements do you guys take, and what do those particular supplements do for you? I just recently realized that if I'm going to cut way, way back on my eating, I should be taking supplements too, so right now it's pretty basic what I'm taking--just a multivitamin, vitamin C, and cayenne. Plus a few cinnamon pills every now and again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvyH4HYRkTc <---Watch that. I'm currently obsessed. XDDDD

Wheeeee. : P

Ok, first, I just want to start off with saying I know I don't comment on blogs much. I do read, I'm just not a big commenter. Maybe I'm just a little shy or something. XD But I am trying to comment more, so don't shoot me when I do? D:

So, yes, I'm 141.6 lbs right now. Yaaaaay. X3

I'm going to try to fast again today. I had sort of a rhythm set up yesterday, where if I felt hungry, I would get a drink, if I felt shaky, I would go lie down for a few minutes, etc. It just seemed easier to me to fall back into that rhythm than to go stuff my face. Does this just get easier the longer you do it?
I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to do it AGAIN tomorrow. Probably not, since this is my first fast period, and I don't want to go overboard on it. I'll probably go back to my bread-and-ricecake diet.
One problem, though. I'm not sure if we're doing my dad's birthday dinner tonight or tomorrow--tomorrow is his actual birthday, but my mom has to work, so I'm guessing we're doing it tonight. So today might have to be just a partial fast, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get out of eating at least a bit of dinner. I'm going to go for as little as possible, though. On the menu is a vegetable lasagna, my famous salad, and for dessert... he wanted me to make a German chocolate cheesecake. D: I got all the ingredients as low-cal as possible, but still. ._. I might just have to skip that one. ._.

Also, I am REALLY irritated at my boyfriend. He went to NY to see his sister this week, which means we're not going to be able to talk as much as we usually do. He said he'd email me when he got there, but lo and behold, I have no email. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN.
I feel like I'm falling into that old story of 'girl sits by phone waiting for boy to call, boy never calls, girl cries heart out'. Except I'm sitting by my computer. =_=;
I know, I know, I could email HIM. But blaaaarrrrrhhhhg. I want HIM to email ME. He promised he would. ;_; Plus, I don't want to seem desperate and clingy. (Which I so am, but he doesn't have to know that. =X)

Allow me to do a victory dance--it'll burn a few calories

142!!! ONE-FORTY-FREAKING-TWO! : DDDD ASDFGHJKL!
I BUSTED MY LOW WEIGHT!
TAKE THAT, 144!!!!!

Needless to say, I am rather excited here. :3 It's been weeks watching myself hit 144 and then go back up after eating badbad stuff. Now here I am at 142. : D I feel happy, but also a little apprehensive knowing this is only one drop in the bucket.
I just want to go to bed one day and wake up skinny. Seriously. ._.

But, yes. I discovered at the store that the rice cakes I've been getting are 10 cals above another flavor. HORROR. D: Goodbye, 'white cheddar', hello 'lightly salted'!

So yes, my fast is going swimmingly--I've resisted all forms of food! My mom tossed me a peach for breakfast, and I was like "Oh, bleh, I just got up. I'm not really hungry." Since I hardly ever eat breakfast anyway, she didn't really care. And then for lunch, everybody else had chicken salad sandwiches. How did I get out of eating with them? Just before they started eating, I started doing the dishes I forgot to do last night. So when they asked me to come eat, I was elbow-deep in soapy water. "Dang! Sorry, I didn't know you were making lunch--I'll eat when I'm through with this." And then never did. :3 All this makes me feel like a ninja or something. XDDD

I bought all my ingredients for my dad's birthday dinner. I got everything as low-cal as I could. My mom was with me, and kept giving me these exasperated looks when I'd stand looking at two different brands of the same product forever, checking and rechecking the calorie count. She didn't say anything about it though--she just figures I'm trying to be 'healthy'. Feh. Screw healthy, I'm gonna be SKINNY.

Hmm.

Ex is as much of an asshole as I remembered. : D Good to know I haven't been slandering him in my memory. : D

Apparently, I'm an 'attention whore'. Big freaking whoop. You're an attention whore, too, buddy. Whining about how you're so 'suicidally depressed' and how nobody loves you and then acting like an asshole to me, just to get a rise out of me.

I'm happy to say, though, I didn't rise to it. I just acted like my slightly hyper, goofy, outgoing self, and didn't really care what he thought anymore. I mean, I've been thinking there was some tiny little piece of me that still craved him, that still loved him... there's really not. o_O He's shallow as a saucer. Nothin' there but air. This makes me very, very happy.

I'm makin' a list, checkin' it twice...

I finally get to go to the store tomorrow! YESYESYESYES.

I'm also thinking about doing a full-on fast tomorrow--liquid calories only. Huh. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, though. Though if I never try, I'll keep hanging back from it "Oh, I'm not ready. I can't." So I just might-as-fucking-well. So I guess that's what I'm doing. Just in case, though, I'm going to allot myself two tablespoons of salsa--that always seems to make me feel fuller for a bit, plus it's only, like, 10 calories. That should save me in case my tummy decides to take over.

So yes, shopping tomorrow: I'm getting all my diet staples. Salad fixin's, plus a low-cal dressing. Fuck the one I got that's 60 cals per two tablespoons or something. Plus it doesn't even taste good, so screw it. =_= I'm probably going to get those cheese snacks that come in the sticks. Protein. I'm only getting them if I can find some worth 100 cals or less. Light Soy Milk, definitely. 80 calories per cup, so that's less than normal milk, which weighs in at 100.
My rice cakes--I'm going to go for something other than white cheddar flavour this time, though. Maybe they'll come in for less than 45 cals. I guess I'll just have to check in the store. Assorted vegetables, too. Carrots, radishes, maybe even some asparagus.
I'm going to look for a 'weight loss' tea, too. I'm not sure if I could get something like that, as my mom is coming along, but we'll see--she's very supportive on my quest to lose weight--It's making me so healthy! ;]
And then I have to get the fixin's for my dad's birthday dinner. I'm making a salad plus a vegetable lasagna that I think I could manage a bit of so I don't raise suspicion.
And then *drumroll* Diet soda! Something clear--I hear the dark ones are even more horrible for your teeth. Plus gum and breath mints and stuff I can suck on to keep my mind off food and I'm golden.
I get this type of bread called Oat Nut when I get bread. It's got oatmeal and hazelnuts in it. It's nice and sweet, plus it makes me feel fuller than just normal bread. I need to get more of that tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out what else I need to get, but I'm drawing a blank.
I want to get something chocolate... but argh, I just don't know. I'll probably get some M&Ms or something and have like five a day--that should keep me in business for many, many days to come, plus it'll keep my chocolate cravings off. I'm getting better at self-control, so limiting myself like that shouldn't be a problem, but it might be, so I'm still a little hesitant about it.

Also, guess what. :3 I was laying on my mom's bed today, all stretched out over it, and had like half my torso hanging off, because I just felt like it. And my hipbones were just barely peeking out of my skin. ASDFGHJKL! I know it was all because I was lying down, plus being all stretched out, but still. It was exciting. :3 When I felt them, I just nearly started freaking out. :3

All my goals seem almost within reach now. X3 I can do this!

Stay strong, stay wonderful, and think thin!

OH HELL FUCK. A 'friend' just invited me into an MSN convo with my ex-from-two-years-ago. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

Low weight again... : D

Ok, bitchslap me and tell me I am a fat cow and shouldn't go eat. That I should stick to my diet like white on rice. No, wait. Food similes are bad. DX

So yes, I have hit my low weight again. 144.0. At this exact moment in time, I'm not especially hungry, but soon enough I'm going to be like
"Ok, I think I'm gonna eat now. Can't hurt, y'know, because I'm at my low weight. Besides. I'll only eat a little: A little of this, a little of that... wait a second... oooh, I like that. A lot of that. But it doesn't matter, y'know, because my low weight is some kind of magic number that won't let me gain anything, even though past days seem to disprove that notion. But I don't care, because I'm a fat cow. :D"

I'm NOT going to let that happen today. I can't. I need a NEW low weight, dammit. And if I can lose 1.8 lbs in one day... hell if I'm gonna let myself pig out just to pig out. 144 can't keep being my magic yoyo number.

By the way, I can currently use my thumbs and middle fingers and put them around the part of my thigh about an inch above my knee. Can't wait until I can do that to my UPPER thigh. XD But I am built so damn Southern. Broad shoulders, big hips and thighs, etc. Also, I don't know if it's just the fact I'm fat or what, but when I suck in my stomach and look at the outline of my ribcage, it looks kind of broad too. So I'm basically built like a wall. =_=;
I don't know if I'll ever look like the delicate dainty girls I want to look like... but I guess we'll just see. I don't have small bones. They're about medium-size. Average size. Everything about me is so damn average.

By the way, who decided that 116-145 was a good weight range for my height? I'm 1lb below 145, and I'm faaaaat! I'm thinking more along the lines of 100-110 as a good range. And who thinks a BMI of 20 or above is 'healthy'? That should be OBESE. And 18.5 and below is underweight? No, honey. That's perfect. I mean... has our world seriousy gotten so fat, with their ideas so skewed that they can seriously think that's NORMAL? Or are they just trying to make fat people feel better? HELL-o. Tell the fatties they're fat. I mean, they're still fat no matter what range you decide is 'healthy', but then they sit around thinking "Oh, I'm so healthy" while they chow down on their greasy french fries and big macs.

*rawrrawrrawrrawr*

Ok, I'm through. Stay wonderful, stay strong! <3

I want to go weigh myself SO BAD. But I'm going to have to wait. I know I probably weigh 50 bazillion lbs. I overestimated what my water intake should be, so while sipping on, like, my 10th or 11th bottle of the day, I just felt sooooo nauseous and like I was going to HURL. UP. THIS. WATER. RIGHT. NOW. I couldn't even look at the damn bottle in my hand. D: So yeah, I'm just going to wait and weigh in the morning like I always do. XD I still can't believe just water could make you feel so... bad. XD Luckily, though, I do feel better now. Better enough to consider a cup of coffee. <_<;>_>;

I'm just utterly sick of reaching my low weight and then bouncing back up. It's like the number itself can just trigger me to "OH LET ME GO EAT TWICE MY OWN WEIGHT IN FOOD. HELL, IT DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE FOOD. I'LL CHEW UP THE CARPETS IF I HAVE TO. : D"
But uh-uh, ain't gonna happen this time. I have my plan, I have my determination, I have my goal. I want to be 130 by Halloween. 125 if I can manage it. I mean, I still can't SEE any weight loss, even from my 172 days. It's frustrating. I just can't figure out when I'll be able to see it. When my thighs stop touching? When my belly doesn't look like I'm smuggling a basketball under my shirt?

Feh.

Squeeee... : D

Today is the first day of the 140 calorie-a-day diet thingy I posted about yesterday. :3 I'm excited. I'm going to follow it through to Saturday, which is the first fast of the ABC. I'm going to take that fast, and then rewind the ABC back to Day 4, which is supposed to be today, and then I'll do this week over in ABC-dom.
I hope that made sense. XDDD I'm not very coherent in the mornings. @___@

But yes, I have my rice cake and piece of bread separated out, all I have to do is drink my water and be happy. : D My weight goal for the end of the week is 140. I'm also really crossing my fingers for losing five lbs a week, but I don't know if I'll reach that. I'll get as close as I can, though. :3

I was up a full pound today when I weighed myself. It's like I reach 144 and then I just feel like EATING. So I eat a little bit of this, a little bit of that... and by the next day, I've gained. *sighs*

My dad's birthday is this Friday, and I'm hoping to score the cooking rights. That way I can make LOW-CAL stuff, which seems to be something beyond what anyone else in my family can grasp. XDDD I was thinking along the lines of fish or chicken. I mean, since we have chicken so much, I'm leaning towards the fish. Not sure how I'd plan on cooking the little darling, but I'll figure it out. XD Oooh! And my famous salad, too! :3 And for dessert... really no way of making that 'low-cal'. I can substitute stuff and make it LOWER-cal, though. XDDD Now it's just a toss-up on what kind of dessert he wants me to make. If he says 'surprise me', though, I'm going to shoot him. XDDD ...Maybe a buttermilk or pecan pie? Huh. This bears much thinking about.
And I really hope my mom ordered that spice rack I wanted to get him... I mean, I got him a full new set of cake pans and stuff, because seriously, his old stuff was... wearing out. Muchly. XDDDD
I'm kind of falling into 'perfect planner' mode here. I'm even wondering if we should invite a few people, or just leave it as a family thing... we should probably invite my great-aunt, at least... I mean, she's done a lot for us, and it would just be the right thing to do... plus with more people around, that would dilute the focus on individuals, so I can get by with eating even LESS. >=D
Of course, if we do invite people, I'm going to have to BEG my brother to clean up the yard some, where he has this pile of stuff he pulled out of storage to sort through... and I'll have to clean up some of the clutter around the house.... gads, I need to get busy!

...

...

Ok, so maybe I go a little bit psycho when there's an event coming. Sue me. XDDDD


Ooooh, I just remembered the Halloween party we were planning... plans for that definitely need more work. And who better to work them than moi, master event planner? :3 I mean, seriously, my family likes to have these ideas for get-togethers, and then kind of let them stagnate for a little while... and then just kind of get together and be like "So... yeah.... this is it..." I, on the other hand, while I'm also one of the flightier members of the family, I am also an EXTREME planner, though nobody really knows that, since I don't use that skill very often. :3

Shit, I hope it's not going to be raining day-of any of this... that would just royally bite. Because with my dad's birthday, after we eat, we could all retire to the porch for a nice cup of coffee and chat... and the Halloween thing was going to be a bonfire. Argh, so much to do, so little time. D:

Stay wonderful!

Electricity is a beautiful thing. : D

Yes, it finally came back on! : D You all should've heard me when it did. I was lounging across the couch with my mom's Blackberry, again, about to make a post when suddenly... the lights flickered on. I just sat there for a second in slight shock... and then fell off the couch laughing like a maniac and shrieking "HALLELUJAH!". Which pretty much continued for about ten minutes, especially as I waltzed into the kitchen... and turned on the coffee maker. <3 God, I missed coffee. XDDDD The lights shut off at 6:30 Friday morning, and turned back on at 4:30 this afternoon. Which makes nearly 60 freaking hours without electricity. ._. God almighty, I was about to go CRAZY. Once I finish this post, I'm going to wait about twenty minutes to see if my boyfriend's going to come on MSN, since I haven't been able to talk to him in three days... and then I'm going to go take a four-hour shower. XDDDD Oh, showers <333333333!!!!! Ok, so I can recap the past days without electricity, I'm just going to type up my journal entries--easier than actually sitting here trying to remember. XDDD

10/9/09
Electricity went out, so I don't have my blog as a distraction. But even so, I'm going to stick to this. I can't let anything break me now. I'm going to be strong. Fat, but strong.

Today's meal plan is pretty much the same as yesterday. I just had my yogurt, so at 3, I'm going to have my rice cake. Then at 6, I'll have my salad.

Last night, I actually did have an emergency that made me eat. I cut myself doing dishes. It wasn't really a bad cut, and I was ok for a few minutes. But when I started doing the dishes again, I nearly passed out there at the sink! I stood there a second trying to collect myself, when this really horrible nausea came over me. So I stumbled my way into the bathroom, nearly passing out again. When I got there, I just laid there on the floor for about ten minutes. I was feeling a bit better--like I wouldn't black out if I even twitched a finger--so I went back to the kitchen. I had full intentions of making a PB&J, but thank god, there was no jelly OR peanut butter, so I just ate a piece of bread. So maybe there is a god.

I've finally broken my low weight, by the way, which was 144.2. I am 144.0. The loss train is back on the tracks!
---
4:00 and the electricity is still out.

(insert ramble here)

I deviated from my plan because of sheer, mindnumbing boredom. I ate a pickle. 25 calories. It was REALLY spicy, thought, so yay for giving my metabolism a kick in the ass. I'm planning on having tonight's salad dry--that'll make up the difference well enough.

(insert ANOTHER ramble here)
(I tend to ramble a lot. XD)
----
I've just had a brainstorm. I usually mess up and binge on Fridays, so tomorrow is going to be a sort of fast day. Since it's already been proven that I'm a fat cow and can't fast or semi-fast by just sheer willpower, I've got it all laid out for myself. One rice cake (45), one slice of whole-wheat bread (100). I separated them into four parts each, and sealed one piece of each into four snack bags. I then added one bag of tea into each bag. I'll space my little meals throuout the day. Hopefully, having four different flavors of tea will trick my brain/stomach into thinking the meals themselves are different, thus removing boredom and the need to snack. Also, I have to drink at least four bottles of water before I even think of getting another meal. That should also keep me full enough to keep me from snacking.

(insert ramble here)

Hopefully, tonight I can keep myself under control.

10/10/09
So much for control. Over 2000 calories yesterday. I am honestly disgusted with my fat, fat, fat, fat cow self. Ugh. No 140 calories today. Just a fast. Maybe I can reverse the damage. I'm too scared to even go weigh myself. I just know I've ruined everything.

(insert 4 1/2 pages of "I am a fat cow" here)

I can't quite say that I feel much better now, but hey, at least 'the truth shall set you free'. Hah.

(insert ramble here)

----
I feel so, so, so much better. Mom loaned me her blackberry and I read all the blogs... I missed all those girls. I also managed to shoot an email off to 'R', which really helped take off so much pressure I didn't even know had built up.

I messed up my fast and had supper. I shouldn't have. I'm so fricking weak. I'll always be a fat cow if I keep letting my willpower disappear when faced with food.

I feel bloated. :C

10/11/09
I am pleasantly surprised. I only gained .8 lbs from my 2 binge days--though I don't really count yesterday as a true 'binge', exactly, because I'm pretty sure I stayed at the limit, maybe 50-100 above, but still within 'not good, but still kind of acceptable' ranges. It still made me feel bloated, though, so boooo.

I'm planning on doing the 140-four meal-four-water diet thingy I was going to do yesterday tomorrow. If that makes sense. I was going to do it today, but still no electricity, thus no tea, thus that kind of defeats the 'no boredom' plan I had. >:\

Hoping for electricity either later today or tomorrow.

Ok, hope that wasn't too boring. XDDD I am going after the 140 fast tomorrow, since I can actually make my tea now. XDD Uhhh... I think that's about it. Been eating fairly normally today, I'm currently about 100 calories under today's allowance, so I'll probably just have a rice cake later and call it a day. : P I need to go to the store and get more veggies and stuff--I haven't checked my salad fixin's yet, but I'm pretty sure they're all ruined after so long without refrigeration. Bleh. Not to mention, I'm down to my last few rice cakes. D:! Too bad I can only get that stuff in the bigger towns around this area, and apparently I'm not allowed to drive there by myself just yet. I mean, wtf, I'm a good driver. D: Been there ten thousand times, so I dun't see what's so different about me going by myself--plus if they just never trust me to go alone, then how will they know if I'm ready for it or not? o_O

Ok, sorry, I'm going to end this really long-ass post now. XD

Stay strong, stay wonderful, and think thin!

i hate myself

So yeah, the electricity went out Friday morning, and its looking like they're gonna stay out until tomorrow evening, which royally BITES. I'm posting this off my moms blackberry, so my punctuation is a little off, because I just really don't feel like putting in all the apostrophes and crap that it doesn't automatically insert. XD

Ok, so my eating plan went to shit yesterday. I don't know exactly WHY I binged...sheer boredom, maybe? Anyway, let's just say...it was an over-2000 day and leave it at that. I just... don't want to dwell on it.

Today, however, has been a completely different story. I've been semi-fasting all day. I did have a yogurt (35) this morning, but nothing since. Tomorrow, I'm planning on a 150 day.

So wish me luck on that, and keep your fingers crossed that my electricity comes back-and soon! Our well is electric, so no showers. TORTURE.

Stay wonderful!

Day 1 - Results

This post is going to be really boring. XD

I feel really weird saying it, since it's so rare I can... but I have done excellently today. I didn't deviate from my plan at all. And that just feels SO. DAMN. GOOD. I had my salad four hours ago, and I'm not even hungry or munchy right now! It's so confusing, because usually I totally am. XD Here's today's breakdown:

Breakfast: 1 Light yogurt - 35 calories.
Lunch: 1 rice cake - 45 calories.
Supper: 1 salad - 46 calories.
Total: 126 calories

Since it's kept me so full for so long, I'm going to keep making my salads the same way every time I have one. Maybe mix it up here and there, but basically the same.
I'm just going to post what I used here so I can remember it--I do have it written down in my handy dandy little notebook, but I tend to lose things (=_=;), so just in case...

1 cup spring salad mix (3.3 calories)
1 cup raw spinach (6.6 calories)
1 egg white, scrambled (About 17 calories)
2 tablespoons Picante sauce (10 calories)
1 tablespoon taco sauce (10 calories)
Pickled jalapeno slices to taste (I used about 10 slices--didn't really count) (0 cals)

I used the picante and taco sauces because it just sounded so damn good at the time--and it was! Plus the spices kick up the metabolism, so that's just a nice little bonus.
Also, since I'm going to forget what my abbreviations in my notebook mean, and I don't want to waste space in it writing out the full thingy, here's a tiny little list of stuff I was putting in my salad--the calories per actual serving size. : P

3 cups of spring mix = 10 calories
3 cups of raw spinach = 20 calories
2 tablespoons raspberry vinaigrette dressing (didn't use any this time) = 60 calories (And now you see why I didn't use it this time)
2 tablespoons picante sauce = 10 calories
1 tablespoon taco sauce = 10 calories

So, yeah, I'm fairly happy with today, and if you happened to read this whole thing, you must be totally bored. : P I'm half-way considering having another rice cake before I go to bed, but I don't want to ruin my little roll here. So only if it's an 'emergency'. It's about 2 1/2 hours before I'm planning on going to bed, so 'emergencies' aren't especially likely, but it's nice to have a plan in place just in case.

I'm planning on eating the same things tomorrow, since the calorie allotments are the same as they were today. It prevents me from having to think about this too hard, plus keeps me pretty well under-limit for little just-in-cases, like parents forcing me to eat an actual meal, which I don't think is very likely, but once again, plans are everything. I've also got several thinspo pictures on my cell phone that I can look through in tough moments, plus you lovely ladies giving me motivation. I love your comments, Ruby and Slowlyfading. You're both so supportive and inspiring to a poor little cow like me. <3

Stay wonderful! ^_^

Day 1 - Starting Over

I'm back up to 147. Wtf. At least it's giving me the determination I need to get this ABC done right. Ugh. I'm such a cow.

So far today I've had a 35 cal yogurt. Later today I'll probably have a rice cake (45) and then make my 10 cal salad. Today, I'm going to add an egg white (17) to my salad for the protein. Even with that, it'll keep me under-limit for today.

I'm not going to let anything stop me this time. Not even my own body screaming for more food, more food, more food. After all, it'll always want more, no matter how much I give it, so I might as well only give it enough to survive.

I think I need a do-over...

I think I need to start my ABC over. I've... had a pretty damn rocky start on it, and I just don't feel like I've given it my absolute best shot. I've screwed it up, so I just need to start over. And shit, just looked up... I'll have to start tomorrow, because my mom and I were out (Getting my license!), and we went to Sonic and got Java Chillers, which are apparently 540 calories. =_=; So I'm going to just eat light, but normally today, and then start ABC with a vengeance tomorrow. I'm going to make it work, this time. Rawr!

Also, about my license... it's awesome. XDDD I just got back about fifteen minutes ago from taking my mom to work. When I was on my way home (alone! First solo trip!), I swear to god, the car just felt so off-balance without someone in the passenger seat. XDDDD And then, I got to this stretch of road, two lane, free-pass. By this point I was kind of confident, starting to relax... until I saw this huge, red 18-wheeler on my side of the road trying to pass this itty bitty Volkswagen. I was like "Um... shit?" I had to pull over on the shoulder he was so close. DX But I survived. : D God, it's just so liberating to be out there alone. XDDDD

Ugh, ugh, UGH.

Apparently, my binge trigger is mac and cheese. I binged all freaking day on that crap. UGH. And this morning, I was about .6 lbs from breaking my low weight! UGH!

Shoot me, please?

My pants are falling off...

...and oddly enough, I can't force myself to care.

Of course, these are my 'fat pants', from my high weight, but still. Every time I have to pull them back up, it makes me smirk a bit. Size 12. D: I'm about a siiiize.... er... I'm going to guess around a 9. Because I have a pair of size 10's and a pair of 8's. The tens are kind of loose, and the eights give me muffin top. XD 'Course, that doesn't really mean anything, since actual size measurements can vary so much... but whatever. XDDD

One of my goals is to fit into my 'skinny' jeans, which are about a size 7-10 in the juniors. Feh. I've been wearing them a bit already, but... muffin top like hell, plus they're tight, so I kind of shy away from them still.

Umm... I should probably be doing laundry instead of writing this, since my really fat jeans are all I have left right now. XDDDD

About that semi-fast... I'm coming through with flying colours. :D One rice cake, one cup of soy milk, and right now I'm sipping on 0 cal peppermint tea. Delicious. <3 Of course, nighttime is when I start craving/binging, so... I guess we'll just have to see about this.

Wish me luck in keeping this up, and stay wonderful. <3

I readjusted my Ultimate Goal Weight. It's now 105 instead of 110. :D

Also, found the best method of thinspo ever. My mom got a bunch of clothes that she had me go through, and LOT of them were these twinky little t-shirts and stuff that only a super-skinny person could wear and look good in. So I culled all of them out and am planning on putting them around my room where I can see them every day. They were totally thinspiring when I was just taking them out of the boxes, so this should be good. :D

And another thing: I'm planning on semi-fasting for the next three days. I'll get a ration of one rice cake, one cup of coffee, two to three cups of hot tea and unlimited water a day. That'll lead into day 10 of ABC, which is a total fast. The semi-fasting might make that easier.

Plus, I've discovered the interesting concept that is 'Chew and Spit'. Gross, I know, but it helped me head off a binge last night.

As for exercise, I walked about six miles today--my usual three-mile-plus-hill-circuits route was flooded out, because it's been raining for two days, so I just used another route, which I knew was exactly three miles one-way. It doesn't have all the hills my three-miler has, but it's still three miles MORE. I'm planning on doing the six miles once a week and the three miles every other day.

Also, if you haven't checked this site out yet, do it. It's awesome. And if you know of any others like it, please link me. I'm interested here.

Umm... I think that's about it for this post.

Stay wonderful. <3

ABC - Day 6

Six days on the ABC. I'm really proud of myself. :3

Today all I've had is a rice cake (45) and a glass of soy milk (80) Not really planning on anything else but water/tea/coffee.

I've been afraid to weigh myself lately. I mean, if I haven't lost anything--or worse, gained--what will I do? Wait, that's silly. I'll keep on of course and hope the loss comes.

Also, getting my driver's license tomorrow. I'm going to look so freaking fat in my photo. : D

I am sooooo screwed.

I just realized something.

My parents have spyware on my laptop. =_=;

So, this is like serious spyware they have. It logs all my chats and every website visited. It takes screenshots every three seconds. Plus, it's a keylogger, too. So if they check it, which I think my mom is planning to today... I'm screwed over BIG TIME. I'm already trying to think up reasons why I might be visiting all these blogs, and why I might have one of my own, but I'm coming up with only weak stuff. But sometimes, that's all I need. Some days she's the type that'll just be like "Ok, whatever... if you say it, I'll believe it for now..." but other days she's like some kind of interrogator or something... it's hard to explain. So I'm planning on explaining MY blog as "Oh, I'm just trying to lose weight and started this blog to see if I could get support. : D" Which, yeah, is basically true. XDDD And the other blogs... I'm working on that one. XDDD But I bought some notebooks today, so I can keep it up on my own if she grounds me or something. And if she doesn't... well, I'm just going to keep it up. *shrugs* My life, my choices.

My fast is going pretty well. I can't call it a complete fast, because my mom somehow noticed I hadn't eaten all day, so she's trying to shove stuff at me. Seriously? After one day? Wtf, woman. So I couldn't get out of eating half a rice cake, which was the least I could get away with. She wanted me to eat the whole thing, but I threw half away, hidden in paper towels and was like "What? Oh, yeah, gee, you were right...I was hungry... yeah, I already ate half. o:" I was going to do the whole thing like that, but she was hanging around the same room, so I just went ahead and ate it. It was 45 calories for the whole thing, so that's about 21 calories for today. If they try to force supper on me, though... I'm going to try the whole "Push it around the plate and play with it to make it look like you ate more than you actually did" thing. When I was little, I used to be the queen of doing that with brussels sprouts and spinach. :P Bring up some old skills here.

Also, I was thinking about searching up some thinspo and taking pictures of it with my cellphone so I'll always have some handy. And nobody goes through my cell, so yeah, that'd be safe.

Also, wow, something not related to food, but that has me really, really, really irritated, so I just need to blow off some steam about it. Rawrrawrrawr.

Ok, so see, my boyfriend is adorable. Wonderful. He started out as my best friend. XD But he has this one ex-girlfriend... apparently, he saved her from suicide. She'd been raped or something, so she was suicidal. So, he saved her, and they started going out not too long after. Well, after a while, her parents made them break up, so he started going with some other chick. Eventually, we finally realized, wow, we had feelings for each other. So he broke up with the second chick to go out with me. (Our six-month anni was yesterday, by the way. : D). But yeah, last month, he found out the first chick had gotten pregnant and was in the hospital. She and the baby were both in serious condition. He seemed ultra-worried about her, more so than I would call 'normal', so I asked him if he was still in love with her. Guess what. : D He was. >:\ So that threw me off good there. So not too long ago, he introduced her to me. Wtf. She's so fucking nice. And she's probably AH-DOR-AH-BUL too. Exes always are. And me. I'm a cow. :D He told me he's not going to leave me for her, and I don't want to get all suspicious and push him away... but... uuuuughhhhhh. He's still in love with the nicest girl on the planet... and me. :D

So, yeah, sorry about that. Just had to let that out. ^^;

Hmm...

I'm thinking about fasting tomorrow. I feel like I need it.

Water+tea+onecupofcoffee.

Anybody want to join me?

Edit:

Heh, I'm already refining my plans.
Instead of waking up at my usual late hour, I'm going to get up and watch the sun rise while drinking a steaming mug of hot green tea. I have no idea why, it just seems like a good time to do that. XD
Then I'm going to go for my usual three-mile walk, with the hill circuits and all. Delicious. <3
Then I'm going to wash and oil all my tack for my horses. It burns some good calories. Not sure exactly how many, but it usually makes my arms good and sore.
By this point, I'm probably going to be nice and sweaty. So I'm going to come back in the house, take a nice, hot bath for about an hour, because I just love doing that. Makes me feel so pure after.
And then I'm going to sit on the porch, or even in the woods and write my brains out. XD I write poetry. And people seem to think I'm pretty damn good. Whatever floats their boats, I guess. XD
And then I'm going to clean my room. Maybe there's actually a floor in there. o:
And then in the afternoon, I'm going to do my walk again. : D

Hopefully, all this'll keep my mind off of food, so I can complete this fast. Let's hope I have willpower this time and don't let my fat think for me. : D

<3

Edit again:

I just now noticed I had a comment yesterday. :D slowly fading, your comment made me feel so happy. :D Just thought I ought to say that. :D

ABC - Day 4

I've made it to day four, so yay for that. XD

Umm... today has been pretty pathetic, really.

I started out ok. An egg white (17) with a tablespoon of taco sauce (10) because we were out of salsa--it actually turned out to taste better. XD I dunno if salsa is lower-cal or anything, because I didn't even have an empty jar to check the calorie count on. So then I had hot chocolate (140) and an apple (80). So it's kind of suck after that. At least I made the chocolate with water instead of milk or something. o_o So that brings me up to 247 so far. For supper I'm probably going to do the egg and taco sauce again. Only 27 cals and it's delicious, too. : D And then if I can stay away from everything else, that's about 194 calories. If I really get into a "I'm going to binge if I don't eat something NOW" bind, I'll probably have three shrimp (9). That still keeps me under the limit for today.

Also, for Halloween, we're doing a bonfire with fluffy fat traps, also known as marshmallows, and lovely, greasy chips and overprocessed meatsticks, also known as hot dogs. Yummy! [/sarcasm] I'm definitely going to have to go on the shopping trip for that one so I can at least try to find SOMETHING lower-cal. It's not going to be a huge crowd, so I can't just act like I did eat some, but I'm going to try to perfect my sneaky skills. Plus fast the day of, so I don't go over my limit with that + whatever I had during the day. But if I do, I still have my binge days to fall back on, and then I can fast the next day. Hopefully, I'll have gained enough self-control by then to be able to stay under... I'll probably consider fasting anyway, just to make sure I don't gain from just eating pure crap.

...

I feel like a poser.

A wanna-be or something.

I bet I sound like one, too.

*sighs*

So am I just 'new kid on the block' or poser?

Does everybody feel this... out-of-place?

*sighs again*

I deviated from my plan. I had potato salad. I don't know exactly how many calories were in my portion, but I'm estimating maybe 400?

Now I'm wondering if I should count this as a binge day. I mean... does that even count as a binge? Or just sheer weakness? I might subtract 100 calories from tomorrow's allowance to make up for it and count it as a binge day, too. Just to make sure I stay on the total allowance levels, and just to get a binge day out of the way.

Edit:

Hmm, I'm thinking... maybe it doesn't matter if I'm just a wannabe. What matters is I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it all-out. I'm going to become skinny and pretty, and I'm going to get in control here. I might feel out of the loop, and I might feel like I don't belong doing this, but really, is it so much different than I've always felt? And if you guys do accept me... then I'll have found a home.

But if you don't, that's your choice, and I'm going to hope you might someday, but until the point of acceptance comes, I can fly on my own wings.

(And I'll continue to support everybody I've started following, until you all tell me my comments are no longer welcome)

<3

ABC - Day 3

1:29pm and nothing has passed my lips except water. I'm excited, because a couple months ago, I would be dying by this point. XDDD Plus, I walked my three miles, so that's awesome too.

My mom keeps telling me that 'You're looking so good!'. See, in April of this year, that's when I got serious about losing weight. I got on the scale and it screamed "GET OFF ME, YOU FAT COW!". I was 172.4 lbs, at 5'4". And so I started working on losing weight. It's taken me until this point to weigh 145.6 lbs. I still can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, though. I just keep thinking I'm about to see the ginormous cow I was. But nah, I just keep seeing the ginormous cow I still am.

So yeah, I would imagine I'm 'looking good' to her, since I was so HUGE before, but I still feel like I have so much farther to go before I can even BEGIN to say "Hey, I like that girl in the mirror there."

I need to go weigh myself, because I weighed last night and had lost 1.2 lbs since the day before. That made me squee. And do a victory dance. XD Until, of course, I looked in that damn mirror. Hips from hell. I'm not even kidding. My arms are flab city. My boobs look huge. I've got kind of a waist now, but then I have soooo much stomach flab, love handles and shit, so then it's just like "Ewwww!" And then the hips and thighs. UGGGGH. I don't even have to search online for thinspo, because my mirror gives me plenty of motivation.

But it'll get better, hopefully. Maybe? DX

So my meal plan for the day is an egg (70 calories), an apple, (80 calories) and maybe a salad for supper (I can usually make one that's worth about 10 calories, if it's dry, which it needs to be) So that brings me to about 160 calories. I might add some milk, because my mom keeps getting on to me about "Get more calcium!", so that'll be about 100 calories for 1 cup of milk, I think. That's still pretty good--260 calories.

But for now, I'm going to keep chomping on my sugar-free gum and wait for awhile until I eat anything. I'm serious, I don't even feel hungry right now, and that's just so awesome to me. XD


Edit: 6:25 pm

Still haven't eaten anything. It's been so fun to watch everybody eat except me. :3 I just feel so, so strong right now. But... I'm kind of breaking. My dad is frying pork chops for dinner, and I love those. But no, no, no, NO! I'm not giving in now! I'm going to keep being strong.

So for supper, one egg white. 17 calories, baby! Still debating about adding a slice of toast... all we have in the house is white bread, so that's not good. So I'm probably going to skip that and just have the egg. If I'm totally starving by the time I make it, I might just go ahead and leave the yolk in. I need as much as possible here in these first few days so I don't go binge and discourage myself. But then knowing I could've left some calories out and didn't... Ugh. ._.