"What would you do if I got fat?" I snuggled closer to R, nuzzling my face into his shoulder for a moment. The thunder roared overhead and I shivered.

"I would...." he hesitated. 

"Break up with me?" I suggested, pulling back slightly and looking him dead in the eye.

"Nooo....." he drew out the word slowly. "I would probably just.... suggest that it's time to pay attention to proper nutrition." He grinned his beautifully crooked grin, pulling my face closer to his. "But lady, you're anything but fat."

"I beg to differ," I muttered, pressing my lips to his. I suddenly pulled back again. "Ok, how about this one: What would you do if I got so skinny, I was just skin and bones?" His eyes widened.

"I would.... go crazy." he replied.

"Crazy?"

"I would fall even more in love with you--as if that was possible. I... love skinny chicks." He grinned again. He must've seen my face fall, because he started backtracking instantly. "But you're the perfect size for me--I'm serious, you're perfect!!"

"But I'm not a 'skinny chick'"

"You're not skin and bone, no, but you're not fat either--you're in the middle, and that's perfect... do you think I don't like the way you look?"

I bit my lip and watched the rain pour down. "Sometimes?"

"You're perfect" he repeated, pulling me closer. "Absolutely perfect."

I tried to believe him, but it was so hard. After his 'skinny chick' comments, my resolve hardened--I will be that for him. My previous attempts on a diet I threw together have failed after the first week, so I've put together a shorter diet. The calorie allotments are 500 calories and below, with at least one fast day a week, usually on a Wednesday, because my schedule makes it easier to fast on Wednesdays. It'll last two months, with my end GW being 119, down from 133. After that, depending on how I do, I'll either try it again or go back to my attempts on my mashup of the Staircase diet and ABC.

My calorie allowances for week one (starting today) are:
Monday: 500
Tuesday: 400
Wednesday: 0
Thursday: 500
Friday: 400
Saturday: 300
Sunday: 400

I've had 170 calories so far, and I'm feeling great. I'm determined this time. I will be skinny.

Two birds with one stone

I feel so smart. =]

You see, I'm an aspiring writer, and I participate in this thing called National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which is in November. =] Basically, you write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. =] Lots of writing, lots of craziness, lots of fun. =] You have to write at least 1667 words a day if you want to finish it. =] http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and this is my author page: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/668931

'What does this have to do with anything?' you may be asking. Well, my darlings, my plan? My reward for finishing my words per day goal is food. I can't eat until I reach my goal, and even then, I have to stay at/under my calorie limit for the day. =] Sheer. Freaking. Genius. =]

Diet hot chocolate owns my soul.

25 calories per packet.

OhJESUSyes.

In other news, I am having a terrible hair day. It wants to go up down and sideways. I'm trying for the messy-wavy-bohemian look but it was like lolno. So I'm just letting it do its thang, gonna straighten the hell out of it in a sec.

I had a diet plan. I kept fucking it over. So I said WOAHREWIND and now am back on day one. Insanely high calorie amounts for the first four days.... but I'm looking at them more as... 'don't go above this, feel oh-so-very-free to go below'. =] See, what I did is I smushed the Staircase diet and the ABC together, and am going to attempt that. YEAH GOOD LUCK SON.

Day's intake so far:

1 cup brown rice w/ 1 tablespoon butter - 260

Grill cheese on white bread, two slices american cheese, one slice pepperjack - 340

A packet of those pringles stix thingies in Jalapeno (loves that jalapenoooo~!!) - 90

Aforementioned hot chocolate - 25 OWNS. MY. SOUL.

And later, around 6-7-8ish, I'mma have a 25 calorie salad for supper. That's like 1.5-2 cups of veggies and 2 tablespoons of fat-free italian dressing. YUP YUP. =]

I get so excited about this crap, I swear. XD Later this afternoon I'm going for a walk. And perhaps ride my bike a mile or two. :D I'm in an insanely good mood today, and for no apparent reason. =]

First weight goal has been met!! 133, ladies. ;)

It's strange, though, because I did it on a terrible week. I consistently went over my daily calories & hardly ever exercised.... imagine what I could do if I actually stuck to the plan... =] I started doing a lot better when I actually wrote down a meal plan for myself. It became less "Go in the kitchen and hope whatever looks good doesn't go over your calorie limit" and more "I know I can have ___ right now, and it is well within my calorie limit." It became easier to say no, you know? =]

Anyway, yes, I am a happy panda, but I have to get ready for work so I'm going to have to cut my usual rambles short. =]

Stay beautiful. xoxox

she is the sunlight

Please ignore the mountains of fug now assaulting your computer screen. o_o Yes, it's me.... and yes, I'm going to give some body shots too. e_e Ones where I take liberties with my angles to show myself in a thinner light than I usually am. *cringes* 

That's a lie.... I feel almost pretty today. =] I cheated and got on the scale early... I'm running just a bit ahead of schedule with my weight, and I am 10 calories under my limit today. =] I'm on my way, ladies... =]

It's my dawg... he thinks he's a pimp. =]

I'mma probably only leave these pictures up for a  couple days.... I'm a little paranoid. =] 

Body shots now.... gulp...

5'3.5"... what weight do I look? No fair looking at my previous posts or whatever. =]

In other news...

Excell Spreadsheets are amazing tools. I swear. I have a chart for my daily calorie intake/exercise, a separate sheet for my measurements from week-to-week and a food log. I have it color coded for Excellent, Passable, Neutral, Poor, and Bad. It's actually very helpful. I haven't been doing very well the past few days... in fact, day one was a disaster, but.... I'm getting better... slightly. =]

This is becoming /fun/ to me again, instead of a chore, or something I feel like I /have/ to do. It's becoming a small victory to see how little I can eat, to see how quickly I can lose weight. To see  who will win--me or my weight.  

 I'm going to win this time. I'm not going to back down. Food is not an issue anymore. It's not a comfort-giving habit. It's not even the enemy. It's merely something I do to live. It means nothing to me anymore. Nothing means anything except being the most beautiful me I can be. Both for me, and for the boy I am madly in love with. He deserves beauty, and that's what I'll give him. =]

I have a question for you all, my lovelies. Should I... post a picture of myself? Not my body, I'm far too ashamed for that.... but maybe my face, so you can put a face to these words on your screen? Is anybody interested? =] Let me know.

This isn't a disorder, it's a choice

At least in my case. I used to do this because a, I had a looot of weight to lose, and b, because I thought it made me a hardass. It doesn't. The truly disordered of us ARE hardasses, and I admire them for coping with it with all the grace and beauty they do, because they are beautiful you know. =] And I hope they know it too.

Me, now, I do this because I enjoy the sense of power and accomplishment I feel when I lose a few more pounds, inching towards my goal. Just the thought of shunning something like food--something essential to life, just makes me feel like i have true power over something in my life. =] And I love that feeling. I love the feeling of hunger, and most of the time I don't get to feel it enough.

I'm just a selfish girl with self-esteem issues. That's all. That's my only identity.


I just felt like getting that out there, because I know most of you are thinking 'wannabe' when you read my posts. =] I love this, and I'm getting better at it. And if it keeps making me happy, I'll continue. =]

Watch me shine

Woah, I'm fail at keeping things up. XD

Things have been crazy lately...it's just been grab-a-bite-whenever, exercise.... the only exercise I get is running around at work or whatever. Things have been pretty hectic the past few weeks though, so yeah. XD I'm working on it. :P

First things first.... Cali boy is no more. =[ I can't do distance relationships anymore, it turns out... got me a taste of the closeness, the cuddling & kissing.... and now I just can't do distance without a definite idea of when I'll see my honey. =[ I liked him.... a lot.... but.... I can't torture myself over it, you know?

About a month after he and I broke up, I started talking to another guy... a closer guy... a fkn emo guy. TwT I loves the emo boys. :3 He's so freaking skinny and beautiful... we are celebrating our one-month-anniversary on Sunday. =] He's amazing, and he... kind of gets me. =] More and more, as we learn each other more every day. =]

ANYWAY. I must get skinny for him. Like seriously, he's freaking scrawny. I can't have my boyfriend being skinnier than me. =\ It aint right. So yeah. I'm going shopping tonight for safe foods, I will start writing in my notebook again, and I'll do at least weekly updates here. =] I'm going to be SKINNY. Finally. If I keep trying, maybe one day I'll get there?

Don't give up on me

I'm in this fight to win it now. I used to feel like I was drowning in it, but now I almost feel like I can float... almost strong enough to swim. I've just got to catch my breath.

Swam for about 5 hours today with my friends. XD Sunburned like a lobster, and it's itching, stinging and burning. It was cloudy, so we all figured we didn't need sunscreen...

...As we're discovering now, we were idiots \o/ I'm pretty excited about the amount of exercise it got me, though. :3 Went to work right after, but now I'm home again. Though the exercising front is good, I ate like a freaking pig o_O Tally is 1 1/2 PB&J sandwich, two handfuls of chips, two brownies and 1 1/2 strawberry shortcake thingies. So yeah. Hoooopefully, the swimming helped cancel some of that out. I'll give myself props, though, it could've been so much worse.

Tomorrow, the plan is straight to church, then straight to work. No eating before church or during my break, if I happen to get one. I'll probably get off between 2 and 5, at which point I'll be going home. Where there's food constantly available. Not a good situation. So instead, I will clean the cat box when I get in, then proceed to finish cleaning my room/bathroom, which generally gets me out of the Food Mood. After I finish cleaning, I'll reward myself with a PB&J. <3 Which is weird that that's my reward, because I've hated the things for years, but suddenly find myself really really liking and craving them o___O ...Anyhoo, after the sandwich, I'm probably going for a walk. With sunblock on my sunburn, the tanlines exposed, to try to at least fade the whiteness of them a bit. XDDD Exercise AND beautification? Yes please. <3

The best days are yet to come

The days when I can be carried away with the slightest breath of wind. The days I can go clothes shopping and not worry about the size of my ass in pants. The days I can slip into a bikini and know that I look beautiful. The days I can know there's no more weight to lose, no more nasty fat hanging like a brick around my neck.

My best days are coming. I can feel it.

---

You know, the main difference between me-then and me-now is confidence. I actually have a little bit of confidence these days. I can hold my head high and smile my ray-of-sunshine smile, and it makes most people do a double-take and smile too. I can now realize that I actually have really good features--I don't have that 'mainstream' beauty, no, but maybe I have my own sort of beauty. One that will be even more evident once I lose the last of this weight.

Fat is the enemy, and it will be destroyed. I've found a bit of the strength I used to have... not quite enough to fast just yet, but possibly to restrict like crazy. I'm going to survive on 600 calories a day. It's getting into a 'high' range... but maybe in the days to come, I can cut it back to 500. 

I need to get back on my vegan diet. That was when I lost the most weight--sometimes as much as 4-5 pounds a week. Of course, weight loss just seems to get harder, once you don't have a LOT to lose. And really, if you think about it, I don't have THAT much to lose, to get to normal-slender. About 10lbs to get to the 'perfect' weight for my height. Of course, that's not perfection enough for me... but still kind of crazy when I think about it. XD

I actually exercise these days too. o: I'm pretty big on running and walking around my house. XDD Yesterday, I kicked it up a notch. Grabbed my iPod, started walking down the road. Felt good, so I kicked up and jogged for about 300-400 yards--which killed me, btw. I've gotta get in shape. XD Well then, my favorite song came on the radio. So I busted a few moves in the middle of the road. XD I'm actually not a bad dancer when I actually have room to move o_O So I figure if I do that at least three times a week, plus my house circuits--which include doing a few pushups and stair runs after--I should be pretty damn good on the exercising. Add in my resistance bands to try to tone up my arms... and damn, I should be fkn sexy for my Cali trip. :]

So now I have a question. For the girl who has a sweet tooth, and who is also cutting calories majorly, what do you suggest she eat to calm the sugar beast? Gum helps some, but any other suggestions... and I will hunt you down just to give you the biggest hug in the world. XDD Also, any other exercise suggestions would be nice too. :] 

Oh, and I see I've got new followers too, so don't be shy! Introduce yourselves~! Link me to your blog, if you have one. :] I wanna get to know you all. ♥

Stay strong~ xox

Beautiful disaster

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what she's after
But she's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
~Kelly Clarkson

The bitch is back, ladies and gents. She's back, and as fat as ever. Hasn't managed to lose much at all. Eats like a fkn cow. The usual, you know? But she doesn't mind, because at least she hasn't GAINED. And at least she usually manages to stay below 135. So suck it, fattymcfatpants. She's not backing down.

Yeah, there was one time I dipped down to 129, but of course I fkd that up, so whatever. Take a deep breath and move on. There's always tomorrow to do better. Always. And I'm finally remaking my decision to put aside the fattiness and return to the pure emptiness of... whatever this is. I am not ana, by any stretch of the imagination. I lack the willpower to truly embrace it. But whatever it is I should call myself, I'm back. I'm back and it feels good.

I can't get there by 'eating healthy' and 'embracing who I am'. Will I ever be happy if I can't look in the mirror without wincing? Can a person truly be happy when they know they're not beautiful? Maybe some people can, but not me. That's why I'm back, chasing the elusive beauty this lifestyle promises.
---
So much has happened since I last posted. I broke up with C a couple weeks ago... something *ahem* major almost happened, but we got caught by the friggin cops. That pretty much took away anything I'd felt for him to begin with, so I ditched it. I didn't really feel for him the way I thought, anyway... the only reason I was about to do anything with him was... I just wanted to try to feel something, you know? He really likes me, so I wanted to like him too. At that point I'd pretty much given up my hope of ever finding my 'one true love', so I was ready to just settle for someone--anyone. Just a warm body I could hold and pretend that maybe this is what love could be. It was a lie, though, because I'd experienced love. This wasn't it. So after I had my excuse, I escaped, and in the process, somehow found my heart again.

I'd known this guy for four years. He'd been my best friend through everything. Everything. Through R, through C, through everything. He knows about this... and other things I don't feel comfortable even telling you ladies... and yet he was still my friend, even though I felt so fucked up I didn't think anybody could be. So I was emotional and told him that I'd had a crush on him FOREVER.

And he told me he'd felt the same. Forever.

Problem? He lives in California.

Solution? Take the job I've had for almost two months now, begin saving so I can run away for a week or so to see him. I'm almost 17 now. What can they do to me? What can they ever do to me, when I've already had worse done to me by myself? By my own mind. So I'm going to do it.

He's perfect for me. It's like I've finally found my missing piece. The moment I knew he felt the same about me... it's like my heart stopped feeling so restless, so dissatisfied. Because he was what it yearned for, what it needed with every beat. He's the one I can tell anything to--I can be completely honest and know that he's not judging, he just wants to help me in any way he can.

This is it. If this isn't motivation, I don't know what is. This isn't just about looks anymore. Though they do play a role, it's about perfection now. He's so utterly, devastatingly perfect, now it's my turn.

The clock is ticking. Am I going to win this round?

Woo hoo~

Quite late, but 133 at last!

I just haven't been eating much lately... it can't be a surge of willpower, because I still eat what I want, I just don't want to eat much anymore. It's weird. It's kind of like what happened when my ex broke up with me back in December, but it's different. I'm not sad or unhappy, in fact, since I started going out with C, I'm pretty darn happy these days.

In fact, I had my first kiss on Saturday (We made out in a parking lot for like thirty minutes... XD), and then he kissed me many many many more times on Sunday, plus he makes me feel so safe and wanted.... so I'm happy. I'm very, very happy. I'm just not going to question this eating thing, because that just adds to my happiness... C is very tall (6'1"!!) and skinny, and I'm short (Effing 5'3.5") and... fat. =_=; But he seems to like me anyway... so... ok. I'll just keep losing weight.

I have three days to lose two pounds and get myself back on track. I think I can do it. I can just almost feel it. I just can't wait until there's no more three on the scale and I don't ever have to go back to it... god, I can almost taste it.

125 by the 14th? I think I can do it. It'll put me way ahead of schedule... which is awesome. Just gotta keep my head in the game and not give up for anything. I'm not giving up this time.

Stay strong xoxo

Owow

Soooo much has happened recently. It's crazy, it's totally crazy. Let me just tell you right here and now that my memory is like three seconds long and I didn't read over my last post (which was before this happened, I think, so whatever), so if I repeat anything that I told you about there, please forgive me... I think the last post was mostly piercing-related anyway.

But this is better. This is sooo much better. I... have a boyfriend. My first actual real-life boyfriend. Most of my bfs have been over the internet, but this is BETTER. :DDDD

It all started with a missed phone call. I'm pretty sure I told you guys about the superbowl party, and the hotnicefriendly guy who asked for my phone number but was like "my phone's broken, so it might be a while before I can call", yet I gave it anyway.

Ok, so Sunday afternoon, I checked my phone and had a missed call. I started freaking out. Anyway, I called the number... and it wasn't him. BUT it was his friend, who told me that the first dude--we'll call him B--had used HIS phone--we'll call him C--to call ME. Needless to say, I was freaking out like OH MAI GAWDDDD. So C and I talked for a few minutes, and come to find out, I knew who he was. We'd never talked or anything, but I'd seen him and kind of thought he was cute. It wasn't up in the front of my mind like OMG GOTTA HAVE GOTTA HAVE, it was just a little mental note, because I figured I had absolutely no chance. Anyway, while we were talking, he was clarifying who I was, and I was like "Wow, he actually noticed me? o_O". It was great, and we started texting and stuff.

On Monday evening, he said he had a confession to make. I finally pried it out of him, and he told me he'd liked me for a while. I started freaking out again. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, didn't know what to say, so I'm just like "Ok... um..." so we quickly moved on. Anyway, we kept texting and, then on Tuesday night he was asking if I'd be at church on Wednesday night. I was, and we kind of acknowledged each other there... didn't really talk, though. His next text was "I don't think I have a chance with the person I like" I knew he was talking about me. And as the days had gone by and we'd kept talking, I realized I did like him. I really did. I decided to not come right out and say that, though, so I was like "Why?" and he said "Because I don't think she likes me too." and that's when I said "If you're talking about me, you're wrong." About five seconds after I sent the message, my phone rang, and he asked me out. I was totally freaking out for the rest of the night. XD

Anyway, our first date was last night. We kinda-sorta went to a baseball game. Kinda-sorta because he was taking the money for parking, so we were just sitting in his van at the start of the drive into the parking lot, and we were just talking and holding hands. And then after he was off at about 7:30 it was part-way through a game, so we just went up and watched it. It was cold out, and he let me have his jacket, which I put on over my hoodie... which now smells like him. It's officially my FAVORITE hoodie ever. :P

It was pretty fun, and then I went to his house after and met his parents, and he called to say they really liked me, so yay. He's meeting mine on Sunday. XDDD

We might have another date tomorrow, but it's iffy. I really do hope I can go... I really really really like this guy. XDD And he absolutely cemented the fact that he's a really nice guy with the fact that he didn't even try to kiss me last night. I wouldn't have let him if he'd tried, and the fact that he didn't even go for it, just gave me a hug... that just makes me think "wow". He's great, he's really awesome. XD

The youth group is having a spring break trip for the high schoolers to Six Flags (in Dallas), and I was going to go by myself because my friends couldn't make it, but now he's going with me and I'm SO excited. He'll make the van ride fun. :P Anyway, the trip starts on the 14th, and according to my deadline, I should be about 128-127 by then... but I'm going to see if I can hit 125. But it HAS to have a 2 on it. No more 3. I'm SO freaking sick of being in the 130s. So gross.

As for eating, yesterday was practically a fast, except I had a sandwich at about 11:00 when I got home. My stomach had been too full of butterflies to eat anything before then. Ummm... I'm 135 right now, which is better than hovering around 138-139 like I have been lately, but I did just get my period, so it was probably just all that stupid water weight. I missed the 133 deadline about two days ago, and I would readjust... but I just don't feel like it. So I'll be behind a little bit. I'll lose extra for a couple weeks and hit the next deadline.

So far today, I've just had coffee, and I'm planning on a salad and maybe a piece of fruit later. I've been trying to work in three cups of green tea a day, because I've heard that's good for your metabolism, but it's hard because then I forget to drink some of them, so it feels like a wasted effort. But whatever, I'm trying, right? Trying counts, doesn't it?

I've also got these nifty little vitamins for skin, hair and nails. They're... biotin, I think. Has anybody taken those and gotten good results? According to my best friend, I don't need them, but I'm going to take them anyway. So yeah, anybody taken biotin before?

I think that's about all. Stay strong, ladies! xoxo

WHOO HOO!

UNDER 500 CALORIES TODAY!!!!! YESYESYESYES!!!!!

PLUS!!!! I got the piercing!!!!! The second lobe!!!! : DDDDD! Twigs, thanks for the advice--they told me to twist it three times a day after I clean it, but the left one hurts when I do twist... so good to know it's not absolutely necessary. XDDDD

BTW, anything under 700 calories always makes me just a bit loopy, especially + caffeine... and I just finished two cups of coffee and am working on a soda--diet, of course. ;P I'm pretty damn excited about this whole day. XDDD

I did have to get my ear pierced in the mall, though... I wanted to go to an actual piercing place where they wouldn't use the gun (because I've heard those can't be sterilized... GROSS!), but my parents were like OH NO. So whatever, got it done in the mall, I don't really care. XDDD Anyway, ran into my youth minister from church and his wife while we were there and he was like "So what've you been up to?" and I'm like "DUDE, PIERCING MY EAR!!!" and he was like "Oh, awesome... mine closed up a long time ago. D:" and I'm like "Woah, waitafrikkinminute... you had an earring? o_o" and he points to his ear and is like "Two. :D" and I'm like "ok, dude, you just gained like +50 awesome points. o___o" I mean, dude is flipping awesome anyway, but seriously, you don't expect someone in the church like that to have been pierced... or I don't, anyway. XDD

I also got some resistance bands for toning... my arms are in sad, sad shape, and I want to look SMOKIN' this summer.

'Kay, I'm kind of getting all-over-the-place with this entry, so I'll go ahead and hang it up now... WHOO, frikkin' awesome day!

Stay strong~

Slowly, yet surely

I'm not going to say how much I weigh. Just know that it's more than I'd like--at least it was when I weighed myself a few days ago. It might have started coming down, but it's unlikely.

Things have just gotten crazy and I lost my already fragile grip on control. Yesterday's calorie count was an estimated 930 calories. It had to be estimated because I just don't ever know the exact calorie amount of the food that goes in my mouth anymore. That has to stop. And it has. ^^ Today has been pretty good so far. I had coffee and a 15-calorie dry salad--that's two whole cups of veggies!! I was full, but nearly slipped up. I had a bean burrito all made up and ready to eat. I was seasoning it up and thinking "No... this isn't good... don't do this... please! You can stop now... STOP! NOW!" but somehow I just couldn't stop. But I did dump way too much salt on, and then took a bite (est 25 calories) and threw the rest away. I'm still within my calorie limit for today, because in my journal I told myself I could have a salad worth 50 calories, but I only did 15. So I'm still ok.

After I do a couple days like this (Salad, then a grapefruit, then an 80 cal yogurt), then I'll get back to the Staircase/ABC diet. This is going to work this time. It has to.

In other news, my iPod decided to freak out on me, so I had to uninstall iTunes. Unfortunately, now the Apple website is totally whack and I can't redownload it. So I'm quite pissed about that.

And next week, I'm getting a second piercing in my lobes. :DDD I've had the standard one piercing per earlobe since I was... three or four, I think, and I've been begging to get something else pierced FOREVER, and finally hit upon something my mom was ok with. We're not telling my dad beforehand, even though she thinks he'll be ok with it. ;P
After the double lobe heals up nicely, I think I'm going to ask for either an industrial piercing (Also known as a scaffold piercing, I think) or a third lobe. Probably an industrial to start with, then work down to the third lobe. But you can bet if they say no to the industrial, I'm getting it the second I turn 18, along with a navel piercing. :D At that point, I'll be good on the piercing front. XDDD I don't want to turn into a walking tacklebox. o_o

So yeah, I think that's all. Stay strong, my ladies. xoxo

Falling and getting up again

I fell again. Yesterday was one long, horrid binge. I don't know what's wrong with me--why do I keep doing this? I hate myself, I hate that I can't stick to anything for the life of me. I hate that my body keeps fighting me to stay fat.

I'm (semi?)fasting today, and then the 400 calorie day tomorrow. I'm allowing myself two cups of coffee and three cups of green tea. The rest will be water. I've got to meet my goal. I've got to get skinny.

My grandma is coming to visit on the 20th. My mom and I have to go pick her up, though. Last time she saw me, my boyfriend had just broken up with me, which toppled me into almost a week-long fast. I was 133 pounds. I've gotta at least get back there--lower if I can manage it. And then I can just smile as I continue to drop weight as she's here.
When I was .... obese.... she always made comments about how I needed to lose weight. When I was 133, she kept telling me I looked good. Well ok. How about 120? What will you say then? 110? 100? 90? It's weird, but the moment she tells me "Honey, you need to gain weight, you're too thin..." will be the moment I finally feel like I've made it. I don't know why it's her. Maybe because of the comments before... but once that comment comes, I'm going to smile my most angelic smile and say "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine, just fine."

My only worry is I'll never look truly thin. I've said this in previous posts, but I just want to say it again. I'm built like a wall. My bones aren't big, but they aren't delicate and small either. I have a wide ribcage, and short legs. My arms are a good length, and my fore-arms almost look skinny, except for one little bulge by my elbow. My upper arms are horrid, so we won't even go there. I do have a waist, which is nice. I'm an hourglass shape. I'd give anything to be a ruler, though. Slight curves, not overwhelming in the slightest... because then when I got skinny, I wouldn't have breasts or an ass. I hate my breasts. They're like a C cup. I'd give anything for a B. My ass is ok, I guess. But it's too big. It's like a bubble. They say that's attractive, buuut... I'd rather have a flat ass any day.
I'm just... curvy. Even my legs are curvy. I almost have cankles, which could be from my weight still, but I might just have unfortunately-shaped legs. There is a bit of definition between calf and ankle, but it's not enough for me. My thighs are ginormous. Giiiiinormous. My belly is big, too. I have a gut that I can't get rid of. My face is ok, I guess. Sometimes it looks pretty, sometimes it just looks heavy and dull. I would post photos for you guys (Minus the face. Paranoid about that. x_x), but I still feel huge... and I don't know about taking photos where you could see all this... that would be like in my underwear, right? Ain't happening. I might think about doing photos when I reach 120-125, but that's still up in the air. Just tell me what you guys think, I guess. x_x

I guess I just want to be someone else entirely. I got the short end of the stick in everything else, why couldn't I at least be pretty too?

This is going to be pretty short.

Today's limit: 500
Intake so far: 350
Stopping now?: Hopefully. <_<

I set aside a grapefruit (100) and a dry salad (15 for 2 cups of veggies) for the rest of the day. If I stick to it (And I will!!) it'll be 465 calories for the day, and 35 calories in the bank. :D

Boy still hasn't called/texted me. I'm getting... kind of hopeless about the whole situation. I think it's starting to look like he has no intention of calling. It's been almost a week now, so... I dunno. >=

The snow knocked out the electricity, so we're using the generator. It used to, and might still have a nasty habit of exploding things... so I'm going to go ahead and end this post now, just in case. XD I do apologize for not making a longer post, but I REALLY would enjoy keeping my laptop in its unexploded state.

Stay strong xoxo

Strong Enough

I'm stronger today.

Today's intake:
Salad with two kiwis (odd addition, yes, but had to get them eaten before they went bad) - 105 calories
8 crackers with cheese and 1 slice bologna - 280 (about 80 for the crackers, an est. 100 for the cheese, and a definite 100 for the bologna)
Grapefruit - 100
Total: 485

Weight? Me + all clothes, including jeans = 138.8.

Hmm.

Strength pays off.

I guess we'll have to see if this holds tomorrow. I am under the limit for today, and my stomach is deliciously empty, though it's feeling like it wants to eat itself. DX It'll get better, though. It will, it has to. I'm adding one hundred calories to my bank, and if I have to, I'll use the remaining tonight, to head off a binge. Of course, this is only if I have to, if there's no other way to keep from binging. I won't let it happen, though. I'm stronger than that.

In other news, it's SNOWING. In Texas. It's been going steady all day, since 8am. It's 11pm now. :D It stopped sticking this afternoon, but now it's colder again, so it's starting to pile up again. It's so great, I love snow. :D

Stay strong, ladies. xoxox

139

Uh-huh.

I'm not going over 140 again.

It's 2:30pm and I've had 15 calories. A salad, dry. I tempted myself with an egg to go on it, "It's PROTEIN, after all!!" but then I reminded my fat self that I don't NEED the protein yet. All I need is low calories, low low low low low.

I'd almost forgotten how... good vegetables are. I haven't had a plain salad in a while, and I forgot how good the cold, slightly juicy, crunchy veggies feel when you chew them--how they're just slightly sweet. Just enough that you can eat them dry without wanting to throw your bowl across the room. I'd almost forgotten how deliciously low-cal yet filling they are. It's like magic, you know? That something so uniquely delicious can be so good for you, and yet won't really have any negative effect on your weight. In fact, they can really only help you instead of hurting you.

...Ok, that was weird. I'll admit it. XDD But it's oh-so-true.

It is Wednesday, and there's youth group tonight. I'm hoping the guy I mentioned yesterday will be there... Sunday was the first time I'd ever seen him at our church, so I don't know if a friend just made him come to the Superbowl party, or if he's going to start coming... oh, lord, I hope he's there. He's tooooo cute. <3 And the perfect inspiration for me to lose weight! :D

I'm starting my own skinny revolution. I'm going to fight the good fight and win the battle against my body.

I'm going to win.

I'm going to be skinny.

Epic Failure + Other Stuff.

Ok, so first the epic failure. I only JUST NOW got through the 700 cal day. Only NOW. Willpower is shot to hell. I can't get it back, for some reason. But I'm going to try to keep on trucking. 600 calories tomorrow. I'm going to try to get through this... I have to. I have to do this.

I don't even know what I weigh right now, because I haven't been eating well, so I just haven't had the heart to get on the scales.... so tomorrow will be the moment of truth. I guess. I'm so scared, I don't know what my weight has done. I just... I don't know. I feel so lost. Like I don't have anything left--like I'm going to be a whale for my entire life.

I'm going to push my weight goals list back another week, because I'm not going to hit tomorrow's goal, I know it. But I've got to get back somehow. I miss it--I miss it so much. The steady loss, dancing when I hit the scales in the morning... I mean, when I was restricting and only eating salads, my skin was absolutely flawless and my hair was absolutely beautiful. My skin is currently breaking out and my hair, while a bit shinier, is also frizzy and gross. I don't know if there's a connection... but I guess the only way to find out is to get back in the game.

So let me ask you a question, ladies. How do you get yourselves back on track? How do you climb back up the mountain once you've fallen so far? How do you start over? What do you do?


The other stuff is pretty awesome, though. The only things keeping me from spiraling off into a deep, dark "Oh, my god, I am OBESE" depression. XD

Ok, so first off, I had a busybusybusy weekend. It started on Friday evening when I went to a student conference with my church's youth group. It was amazing. Seriously amazing. While I was there, it hit me hard. Really hard. I realized that yes, I had accepted Jesus into my life years ago, yes I'd been baptized--the whole deal, but that for the past few years, I hadn't LIVED it. I'd decided it wasn't 'cool' to be a Christian, that it was... I don't know. But anyway, while at the conference, I made the decision to do better. I'm going to try to get back into the faith. I mean, I've been going to church more in the past month, but that's all. But this weekend changed things. I'm going to try. I'm going to try hard.

More awesome stuff... that starts with a bit of background.

I have been homeschooled my entire life. That never really bothered me, because I could usually find friends no matter where I went. Even if they were friends for a moment, a week, a year--no matter what, I did have friends. In the past... oh, two or three years, though, I realized that I wanted something... different. The sort of friendship that spans over an entire lifetime. A deep friendship. Most of my 'friends' at that point, I had only known for a few weeks, and they didn't seem to truly consider me a 'friend'. I'm not going to get into it right now, but I think that's when I started to truly be unhappy with myself and my looks.

Anyway, I'd been wanting friends so badly for years now, and it got so much worse when my parents moved us out to the country, and I didn't have anywhere to go. No friends. Nothing. I was cut off, except for my internet friends. We tried to find a church, but nothing really clicked. Just about a month ago, though, we found one. I found a couple of friends there, and things started to look up.

I still wasn't happy though, until just this past Sunday. The youth group had a Superbowl party, and that's when things started happening. I met people, they loved me, I had friends! I had friends that I'm sure really do like me--especially as a few are guys, and in my (limited) experience, guys don't pretend to like someone to spare their feelings. They either like you or avoid you. And the guys like me. It's... amazing. That I could be likable. And one guy was... cute. And I'm not sure, but I think he likes me too--I can't be sure, because he's a super-friendly guy, and I might just be misreading things, but whatever. Hope lives on, right? : P

The thing is, it does make me wonder... would they like me more once I'm thinner? Would the guy's interest really take off if I was skinny? What will happen? Will skinny make my dreams come true?

Here we go again

Okay, so that sleepover was fun.

Except I was wrong, I didn't keep myself in control.

But that's not an issue, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I just screwed up some. Not a big deal, not going to beat myself up for it. I'm just going to pick myself up and move on instead of falling into the bingebingebinge cycle again. I just crossed off my 1000+ calorie days, plus my 900 and 800 days too, forcing me to start at a... *cough* "low" calorie amount. I also erased my calorie bank, so it's starting over on empty.

I'm also taking today 'off'. Not like 'bingemyfaceoff' off, but more like "eat semi-sensibly" off. Tomorrow, I go to 700 cals and it's all good. : D

Sending hopes for strength and beauty your way xoxo

So yesterday I was talking about a 'calorie bank' where I save up some calories, but basically my only rule was I couldn't use it during a fast.

Now that's all well and good, but after I went to bed last night, I figured I needed a few more restrictions on it.

1. The max amount I can keep in it is 500 calories.
2. I can only make a 'withdrawl' once a week.
3. The max amount I can withdraw is 200 calories per usage.
4. Still can't use it during a fast or,
5. Can't use it the day after a fast (to make sure my weight doesn't shoot up)

I'll edit the counter at the top of my page later. I've got to run right now. XD

I <3 you, lovelies! xoxo

Today's review/tomorrow's meal plan

Review of today:

I stayed on track almost perfectly. I had certain times for eating planned out, but my alarm didn't wake me up this morning, so I slept until freaking noon. =_=; (I'm homeschooled, I can do that. ;3). So breakfast wound up being lunch, lunch was at about three, and then supper was about 20 minutes ago. I haven't had any of my snacks (Except my Sprite) so I'm going to go ahead and have those within the next few hours, and then tomorrow, I'm getting up and keeping my day perfectly planned and controlled.

I figured that keeping myself on an eating schedule would help when the days go down to being super-restrictive. I'll know when I can eat, and so maybe won't be so tempted to just walk into the kitchen and grab something.

Tomorrow's meal plan:

Breakfast:
Grapefruit - 100 calories
Coffee
Oolong tea

Snack:
Green tea

Lunch:
Salad (dry) - 18 calories
Milk (1 c.) - 100 calories
Green tea

Snack:
Coffee

Supper:
Salad (dry) with one egg - 88 calories
Frozen meal - I think it's about 320-40 calories. My entire family is around right now, so I don't want to go check. ^^; In the day's total, I'll just go with the high estimate.
Lemon herb tea

Snack:
Peppermint herb tea
Grapefruit - 100 calories

Total : 746 calories

I think my mom and I are going to the store tomorrow, because literally my only safe choices are salads. Boring, boring, boring.
I've decided that if I stay under the limit for a day, I can take the calories saved and put them in like a 'calorie bank', to be spent like, add a little to this day, or if there's something coming up (like Friday's sleepover) I can save my calories for that. Cheating slightly? Yes. But I'm just throwing myself a bone or two so I'll keep this up. The only thing I CAN'T do with this calorie bank is use it during a fast. The fasts MUST be taken. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to carry this through the entire 93 days, or if I'm just going to go for a certain point and then if I don't eat the calories during the day, they're gone. But for now... XD

Stay strong! xoxo

So today is going quite well. :D

I had my breakfast as planned, and at lunch, I did eat the high-cal stuff (Boo) but then couldn't finish my salad, so that shaved a few cals off. I'm headed for youth group in about 20-30 minutes, so I'll probably have my supper at around 8-9ish, which will definitely be a good thing, as that's hitting me about when I start feeling like I want to binge. I've also saved up my 'snack' tea from this morning, so I'll have that + tonight's 'snack' if I need it.

Of course, this is a 1000+ calorie day, so that's probably why I'm not having much trouble with it. I guess we'll see if my willpower holds in the next few days.

I'm having a sleepover with some friends on Friday, which lands on a 1000 calorie day. Likely going to be major snacking going on, so I'm probably going to save 200-300 extra calories from Thursday, and then fast until the sleepover so I can make sure to not go over. I'm not sure what kind of snacks we're having, but I'm pretty sure I can keep myself under control. ^^

Stay lovely xoxo

Musings, diets and weight goals.

So today, I was reading through the list of blogs I follow, which is sadly neglected.

I think this whole side of my life has been neglected lately. It's pretty obvious, since I've been eating like crazy lately. I've slacked off on this side of things, and that is almost unforgivable to me. It's just sheer, crazy luck that I've managed to remain between 137 and 139--as far as I know, I haven't gone above 139, which I count as a minor victory, though perhaps it's not a victory so much as it's a mercy given to me. But that's really not the point, is it? The point is, it has to stop. Now.

You've probably all lost faith in me--I know I've lost faith in myself. I haven't offered anything except hollow promises and too many starting-overs to count. This falling away has been the worse, it's lasted far too long already.

I think my main problem has been in my starting-overs. I've just said 'There, I'm starting over.' and then I don't have a plan. I'm lost. I just kind of float around not paying attention to what I eat, to what I do. So this time, I do have a diet plan.

Today, I read about a diet called the Staircase diet. It starts out ridiculously high (1300 calories), steps down to 0, then steps back up ridiculously high (1250). Well, I didn't want to end so high... so I modified it. I tacked some on the end, stepping down to 500. It still didn't feel complete... so I added the ABC diet to the end of it. It's come out to a diet that'll last 93 days, which, as you know, is about three months. I'm extremely nervous, but also extremely excited because of all the calorie glory I'll get to wallow in for the first couple of days--as if I haven't already been wallowing in just as much or more! So I decided to count today as day one. I think I've had more than the limit, because I had to go out to dinner with my family today, but I'm still going to call it, just to get the highest day out of the way. This is the entire thing, btw:

1. 1300 calories
2. 1200 calories
3. 1100 calories
4. 1000 calories
5. 900 calories
6. 800 calories
7. 700 calories
8. 600 calories
9. 500 calories
10. 400 calories
11. 300 calories
12. 200 calories
13. 100 calories
14. Fast
15. 100 calories
16. 200 calories
17. 300 calories
18. 350 calories
19. 400 calories
20. 450 calories
21. 500 calories
22. 550 calories
23. 600 calories
24. 650 calories
25. 700 calories
26. 750 calories
27. 800 calories
28. 850 calories
29. 900 calories
30. 950 calories
31. 1000 calories
32. 1050 calories
33. 1100 calories
34. 1150 calories
35. 1200 calories
36. 1250 calories
(This is what I added)
37. 1100 calories
38. 1000 calories
39. 900 calories
40. 800 calories
41. 700 calories
42. 600 calories
43. 500 calories
(And this is where ABC starts)
44. 500 calories
45. 500 calories
46. 300 calories
47. 400 calories
48. 100 calories
49. 200 calories
50. 300 calories
51. 400 calories
52. 500 calories
53. Fast
54. 150 calories
55. 200 calories
56. 400 calories
57. 350 calories
58. 250 calories
59. 200 calories
60. Fast
61. 200 calories
62. 100 calories
63. Fast
64. 300 calories
65. 250 calories
66. 200 calories
67. 150 calories
68. 100 calories
69. 50 calories
70. 100 calories
71. 200 calories
72. 200 calories
73. 300 calories
74. 800
75. Fast
76. 250 calories
77. 350 calories
78. 450 calories
79. Fast
80. 500 calories
81. 450 calories
82. 400 calories
83. 350 calories
84. 300 calories
85. 250 calories
86. 200 calories
87. 200 calories
88. 250 calories
89. 200 calories
90. 300 calories
91. 200 calories
92. 150 calories
93. Fast

I might throw in a few extra fasts as I go along, but right now, it's daunting as it is, so I'm not going to mess with it.

So, to stick with my new plan, I'm going to start making meal plans for the next day, plus writing down what I actually do eat. Now, like I said, I don't have a tally for today, but whatever, I'm still calling it.

Tomorrow is 1200 calories, and this is my plan: (Side note: My teas are 0-cal since I don't use real sugar. I do use creamer and stuff in my coffee, but it's like my little treat, so I don't count those calories. Other liquid calories are noted.)

Breakfast:
Grapefruit - 100 calories
Coffee
Green tea
Supplements

Snack:

Vanilla chai tea

Lunch:
Salad w/ dressing - 28 calories
Leftovers - (High est.) 400 calories
One slice of bread - 70 calories
Milk (1 c.) - 100 calories
Green tea

Snack:
Sprite Zero

Supper:
Salad w/ dressing - 28 calories
Frozen meal - 290 calories
Milk (1 c.) - 100 calories
Oolong tea

Snack:
French vanilla black tea

Total for the day: 1115

Wish me luck with this!

Stay strong (unlike me) xoxo

Hey, you!

Yeah, you! There! With the face!

Leave me a link to your blog and I'll check it out. :P

Square One

Since my last post, I've been attempting to fast. Note the attempting part of that. I've been failing miserably. Binged on pizza a couple days ago, but other than that, it's just been the sort of thing 'a little bit here, a little bit there'... you guys know how it is.

Anyway, I am back down to 135 as of this morning, so a victory dance for that, but I'm not sure I trust it, because it basically came out of nowhere. So I guess we'll just see about that in the next few days. I'm... umm... vaguely optimistic? I guess. XD

Ok, now as I said, I've been trying to fast, but it's not been working, so it's made me realize something. Now this is probably old news to y'all, but I'm just the dumb little newbie, so bear with me. I realized that after eating like a lardass, you can't expect to just jump straight back into the swing of things. I mean, that's just unrealisitc. Your body's gotten readjusted to eating... 'fatly', I guess, so it's not going to take kindly to eating 'skinnily'. Those aren't real words, but whatever. XD But anyway, I've decided to start just restricting again. I've set myself a limit of 500-600 calories a day, which is enough to get my body readjusted to low limits, but still low enough to let me keep losing.

I've also got a few rules for myself. No adding salt, and I have to add hot peppers to everything I eat to kick up my metabolism. And one rule that's very important to keep myself motivated is... I can't punish/yell at myself for eating something 'bad' as long as I'm still under the limit. I have a bad habit of doing that and then binging out because I just think "Screw it, I ate something bad anyways", but I'm not doing that anymore.

Also, I am... mildly annoyed. I've been thinking I'm 5'4" for a while, but I had my mom measure me last night to make sure. I'm like 5'-freaking-3.5". Which means, at my high weight, I was actually freaking OBESE. I know it's only half an inch, but the shorter you are, the more your freaking weight shows. ._. And I know y'all are going to tell me to stop freaking out, because I've been this short all this time, but now I KNOW about it, ok?! XD

In other news, at my high weight, the widest part of my stomach was 41 inches. It is now about 34.5-35. So I was kind of excited about that. I want to lose at least 5 more inches. : P
And I read somewhere that doing crunches and stuff actually makes your stomach look BIGGER. I mean, if you do them all the time and stuff. So I think I'm going to do about 10-20 twice a week, instead of about 10 every day like I've been doing. o_o I mean, I know it's just muscle under the fat, but still. I want to look SMALLER, not BIGGER. XD

Stay strong, stay beautiful xoxo

Disgusting me.

I... cannot stand myself.

I keep saying "I'mma do better. I'mma do it this time. I'll stop eating fatassery, I'll start exercising, I'm gonna be skinny!" and yet it NEVER happens. I weighed myself right before my shower. 139. I'm not going to cross to 140 again.

No more promises. I'm going to prove myself through actions, not through how many pretty little promises I can make.

I'm going to be 125 by the end of February. I'm going to stop being fat.

It ends here.

Comments fixed, hopefully...

Yeah... I was just looking at my blog, and noticed I hadn't gotten any comments, so I was wondering why... and realized something was wonky and it wasn't allowing y'all to comment for some reason. So I ran away to Google, and it seems to be fixed. Please excuse my dumbness. XD xoxo

Why hello there, my beautiful, beautiful homegirls!

Now I really don't know why I just called you 'homegirls', but heck, it works. ;P I hope you're all having a bright, sparkly 2010, full of 10-lbs-in-one-day weight loss!

Ok, ok, I know that's not likely, and I myself am just waiting for the discovery of a way you can make someone ELSE exercise and get the benefits from it. Because I would so do that. TT__TT But I'm still hoping you girls (And guys, if there are any reading) are having a good year for weight loss. This is the year! This is it! We're all gonna reach our goals and be skinny-minnies and be gorgeous sexbombs!

Yaaay, pep talks! :3

So yeah, I've not been exercising like I should. I've been doing a bit of arm work, to try and get these flabby beasts under control. I do about 10 pushups at night (Not real pushups... too much of a wuss still. I do them against the wall...), and then 20 sometime during the day. Today I'm planning on two sets of 20 during the day and then the ten at night, bringing my total up to 50. Plus, I do that dancing thing someone told me about a few months ago. Just keep mah arms over my head and dance around. I do one full song, then give myself maybe a minute break, then do another song, then one more break, and then one last song, for a total of three. It's pretty fun, but my arms always feel like jello afterwards. ._. I need to start doing so much more to get myself back down to 132.

I'm about 138 right now and it makes me feel like an obese fat cow. If I break 140, I'm going to throw something. Literally. I'm going to pitch the hugest fit of my life and then fast forever.

Well, maybe not forever. I mean, that's kind of reaching. But if I could, I totally would.

Anyway, I'm fasting today. I went to the store and stocked up on all my safe choices (Lots of salad stuff... plus cherries and strawberries and grapefruit <3), so I'm all set if I just HAVE to eat something. Which I'm not going to let happen. The last time I fasted was December 14, when my boyfriend broke up with me. It was on a Monday, and I lasted until Friday afternoon, when I only stopped because I was in a car with my family on my way to my grandparents'. I was bored so I started eating (I was 132.... WHYYYYYY?! TT__TT), and that's when the dam broke. Been eating like a lardass ever since. But today that ends.

It was supposed to end... day before yesterday, I think, but I was over at my friend's house and we were being all hyper so by the time I got back home I was RAVENOUS. I could have chosen that point to say "I'm stronger than this" but I didn't. Pasta and a meatloaf sandwich. And then yesterday, I was all "Oh, geez... I crave food... I'll EAT!!!!" and so I ate. But today my willpower returns. I'm not going to let this get the best of me! 2010 is going to be MY year to reach all my dreams and goals! And now I could go off on a huge rant about that one, but I'll save that for later. ;P

I will, however, rant on the injustice of how my ex-boyfriend (I'll call him R instead of 'exboyfriend' from now on. Makes it easier.) is dating some beautiful girl. Like 10x as pretty as me. He broke up with me so he could immediately go for her. So yeah, I looked her up on Facebook (And I know it's her because I took careful note of the fact we have mutual friends), and... dammit, I hate to say it, but she's a skinny bitch and gorgeous. I literally sat there staring at my computer screen, completely stunned. Like... 'How can he do this to me?' I was pretty devastated, but now I'm bouncing back. I still have my rough days, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm going to lose these last 30 pounds and I'm going to be stunning.

Oh, and guess what. I'm turning 17 in September, and possibly graduating by the beginning of this summer (I'm homeschooled and working on a self-paced online high school). So I asked my mom "Hey, as a graduation/birthday present... could I get together a few friends and drive up to Maine and then work our way across the country to California?" She... is for it. I've been all 'holy shit' ever since. That was my 'reaching' request. My actual request was going to be going down to the Gulf of Mexico (I'm from Texas. :3) or something, but holy shitshitshit I might actually be able to drive cross-country with my friends! HOLY SHIT WAFFLE-MUFFINS.

Only thing is, I now have to figure out exactly how much this is going to cost and how long it's going to take so that I can actually start asking my friends to go with me. HOLY SHIT. XD! And then I have to decide which friends to take. Because if we take my mom's SUV, I COULD take four, but it would be better to only take three, so that the backseaters aren't cramped to hell. XD But then if we got my dad's van fixed so that it... would actually run without the driver and passengers fearing it's going to fall apart after just backing out of the driveway, I could take five, which would be my closest friends. If I mention them again, I'll just refer to them as S, J, MP, MI, and A. XD But yes, I am totally excited, and I'm making plans to stop along the way to possibly meet my online-friends. Which means I need to be a skinnyskinnySKINNY bitch by that point. AHHHH.

I'm shooting for 110 lbs by July 4. That's 28 pounds I need to lose in 179 days, which is about 25 1/2 weeks. If I've done my math right, that's about a pound a week. Ridiculously easy, mi'ladies. :3 I could even get down to 102 (Which was my original goal when I first started out on my weight loss), if I wanted! And I might. I'm going to go ahead and shoot for a 2 lbs loss per week, which puts me ahead of my schedule, which means I'll hit 110 in time to know if I need to go ahead and lose ten more pounds. : P Because if my friends and I stop at any water bodies, I'm going to ROCK a bikini. Because when we get to Cali, I know for a fact we're all going to want to hang on the beach, and I'm not going to let all the stereotypical blonde-tan-beautiful California chicks and dudes(!!!) put me to shame!

Oh, and btw, I used to date this guy that's four years older than me, and he lives in California. I need a vote here: Should I go and see him while we're in Cali? He's still pretty clingy on me and wants to get back together, but I'm not so into that. I just want to be friends. I've made that crystal-clear to him, and he's ok with that, but he still says he wants more, he's just not going to push it. And I don't mean 'wants more' as in 'wants sex'. Neither one of us is into statutory rape. XD I'm thinking I'd be pretty safe around him, because he's a pretty good guy, but I thought I'd shoot that out to you guys and see what y'all think. : P

Anyways, I love you all, but I'm going to end this long-ass post now.

Stay strong, starve on xoxox

._.

I'm sorry, I keep taking breaks and I feel like a dog because of it. ._.

Ok, so my weight is somewhere in the ballpark of 137. Again. This is not my happy face. I've been eating like a lardass lately, and I know I should say "It stops NOW! D<" but there's absolutely nothing in the house that's safe, and my stomach is all RARRRRRG. Now I know you're thinking "Come on, woman! Willpower!", but the cravings of a Bre on her period are not to be fucked with. Trust me, I know me quite well. If I don't eat a small supper at least, I'm going to be binging out all night. =_=; So I'm eating something small tonight, and my mom is off tomorrow, so I'm going to force her to either take me to the store or let me take myself. I need my safe choices, god dammit!

Btw, you know you're at least a bit fucked up in the head when you frantically search the bread aisles searching for something 'safe', and then bust out a happy dance when you find a loaf that's only 60 cals a slice. I did that a couple days ago. XD (And I would have replenished my other safe choices, but didn't realize how close I was to being out. =_=;)

The photos, by the way, are me. I made the skirt myself. : P I cut it from a much, much longer one and sewed the waisband by hand. It's a drawstring, so it'll still fit when I'm skinny. Hopefully by spring break. DX

Anyways, I hope everybody is having a good 2010 so far. I love you guys for putting up with me and my inconsistent posting. I promise, at LEAST once a week from now on. I'll try to post more, but sometimes I just don't have much to say except cursing myself and my appetite.

Stay strong, and send wishes my way for my own strength to return. xoxo