Monday, February 15, 2010

Falling and getting up again

I fell again. Yesterday was one long, horrid binge. I don't know what's wrong with me--why do I keep doing this? I hate myself, I hate that I can't stick to anything for the life of me. I hate that my body keeps fighting me to stay fat.

I'm (semi?)fasting today, and then the 400 calorie day tomorrow. I'm allowing myself two cups of coffee and three cups of green tea. The rest will be water. I've got to meet my goal. I've got to get skinny.

My grandma is coming to visit on the 20th. My mom and I have to go pick her up, though. Last time she saw me, my boyfriend had just broken up with me, which toppled me into almost a week-long fast. I was 133 pounds. I've gotta at least get back there--lower if I can manage it. And then I can just smile as I continue to drop weight as she's here.
When I was .... obese.... she always made comments about how I needed to lose weight. When I was 133, she kept telling me I looked good. Well ok. How about 120? What will you say then? 110? 100? 90? It's weird, but the moment she tells me "Honey, you need to gain weight, you're too thin..." will be the moment I finally feel like I've made it. I don't know why it's her. Maybe because of the comments before... but once that comment comes, I'm going to smile my most angelic smile and say "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine, just fine."

My only worry is I'll never look truly thin. I've said this in previous posts, but I just want to say it again. I'm built like a wall. My bones aren't big, but they aren't delicate and small either. I have a wide ribcage, and short legs. My arms are a good length, and my fore-arms almost look skinny, except for one little bulge by my elbow. My upper arms are horrid, so we won't even go there. I do have a waist, which is nice. I'm an hourglass shape. I'd give anything to be a ruler, though. Slight curves, not overwhelming in the slightest... because then when I got skinny, I wouldn't have breasts or an ass. I hate my breasts. They're like a C cup. I'd give anything for a B. My ass is ok, I guess. But it's too big. It's like a bubble. They say that's attractive, buuut... I'd rather have a flat ass any day.
I'm just... curvy. Even my legs are curvy. I almost have cankles, which could be from my weight still, but I might just have unfortunately-shaped legs. There is a bit of definition between calf and ankle, but it's not enough for me. My thighs are ginormous. Giiiiinormous. My belly is big, too. I have a gut that I can't get rid of. My face is ok, I guess. Sometimes it looks pretty, sometimes it just looks heavy and dull. I would post photos for you guys (Minus the face. Paranoid about that. x_x), but I still feel huge... and I don't know about taking photos where you could see all this... that would be like in my underwear, right? Ain't happening. I might think about doing photos when I reach 120-125, but that's still up in the air. Just tell me what you guys think, I guess. x_x

I guess I just want to be someone else entirely. I got the short end of the stick in everything else, why couldn't I at least be pretty too?


  1. Hey silly, flat bums are NOT attractive. Big bums aren't either though. I think that one ought to aim for a little butt that pops out a little... flat is just so ugh... but big IS worse.

    Just my thoughts :P They are probably just goofy.

  2. I feel that way about my mom and grandmother. The day they tell me I look too thin will be the day I know it's all been worth it. My ass is flat with a tiny bump and believe me it aint aint that great, my friend says its like a pancake butt. I think in between is the best. haha I'm an apple shape so my legs and butt get tiny and I struggle to lose weight on my upper half.
    haha sorry if this is a little random :)


Weight Graph