Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Epic Failure + Other Stuff.

Ok, so first the epic failure. I only JUST NOW got through the 700 cal day. Only NOW. Willpower is shot to hell. I can't get it back, for some reason. But I'm going to try to keep on trucking. 600 calories tomorrow. I'm going to try to get through this... I have to. I have to do this.

I don't even know what I weigh right now, because I haven't been eating well, so I just haven't had the heart to get on the scales.... so tomorrow will be the moment of truth. I guess. I'm so scared, I don't know what my weight has done. I just... I don't know. I feel so lost. Like I don't have anything left--like I'm going to be a whale for my entire life.

I'm going to push my weight goals list back another week, because I'm not going to hit tomorrow's goal, I know it. But I've got to get back somehow. I miss it--I miss it so much. The steady loss, dancing when I hit the scales in the morning... I mean, when I was restricting and only eating salads, my skin was absolutely flawless and my hair was absolutely beautiful. My skin is currently breaking out and my hair, while a bit shinier, is also frizzy and gross. I don't know if there's a connection... but I guess the only way to find out is to get back in the game.

So let me ask you a question, ladies. How do you get yourselves back on track? How do you climb back up the mountain once you've fallen so far? How do you start over? What do you do?

The other stuff is pretty awesome, though. The only things keeping me from spiraling off into a deep, dark "Oh, my god, I am OBESE" depression. XD

Ok, so first off, I had a busybusybusy weekend. It started on Friday evening when I went to a student conference with my church's youth group. It was amazing. Seriously amazing. While I was there, it hit me hard. Really hard. I realized that yes, I had accepted Jesus into my life years ago, yes I'd been baptized--the whole deal, but that for the past few years, I hadn't LIVED it. I'd decided it wasn't 'cool' to be a Christian, that it was... I don't know. But anyway, while at the conference, I made the decision to do better. I'm going to try to get back into the faith. I mean, I've been going to church more in the past month, but that's all. But this weekend changed things. I'm going to try. I'm going to try hard.

More awesome stuff... that starts with a bit of background.

I have been homeschooled my entire life. That never really bothered me, because I could usually find friends no matter where I went. Even if they were friends for a moment, a week, a year--no matter what, I did have friends. In the past... oh, two or three years, though, I realized that I wanted something... different. The sort of friendship that spans over an entire lifetime. A deep friendship. Most of my 'friends' at that point, I had only known for a few weeks, and they didn't seem to truly consider me a 'friend'. I'm not going to get into it right now, but I think that's when I started to truly be unhappy with myself and my looks.

Anyway, I'd been wanting friends so badly for years now, and it got so much worse when my parents moved us out to the country, and I didn't have anywhere to go. No friends. Nothing. I was cut off, except for my internet friends. We tried to find a church, but nothing really clicked. Just about a month ago, though, we found one. I found a couple of friends there, and things started to look up.

I still wasn't happy though, until just this past Sunday. The youth group had a Superbowl party, and that's when things started happening. I met people, they loved me, I had friends! I had friends that I'm sure really do like me--especially as a few are guys, and in my (limited) experience, guys don't pretend to like someone to spare their feelings. They either like you or avoid you. And the guys like me. It's... amazing. That I could be likable. And one guy was... cute. And I'm not sure, but I think he likes me too--I can't be sure, because he's a super-friendly guy, and I might just be misreading things, but whatever. Hope lives on, right? : P

The thing is, it does make me wonder... would they like me more once I'm thinner? Would the guy's interest really take off if I was skinny? What will happen? Will skinny make my dreams come true?

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