Diet hot chocolate owns my soul.

25 calories per packet.

OhJESUSyes.

In other news, I am having a terrible hair day. It wants to go up down and sideways. I'm trying for the messy-wavy-bohemian look but it was like lolno. So I'm just letting it do its thang, gonna straighten the hell out of it in a sec.

I had a diet plan. I kept fucking it over. So I said WOAHREWIND and now am back on day one. Insanely high calorie amounts for the first four days.... but I'm looking at them more as... 'don't go above this, feel oh-so-very-free to go below'. =] See, what I did is I smushed the Staircase diet and the ABC together, and am going to attempt that. YEAH GOOD LUCK SON.

Day's intake so far:

1 cup brown rice w/ 1 tablespoon butter - 260

Grill cheese on white bread, two slices american cheese, one slice pepperjack - 340

A packet of those pringles stix thingies in Jalapeno (loves that jalapenoooo~!!) - 90

Aforementioned hot chocolate - 25 OWNS. MY. SOUL.

And later, around 6-7-8ish, I'mma have a 25 calorie salad for supper. That's like 1.5-2 cups of veggies and 2 tablespoons of fat-free italian dressing. YUP YUP. =]

I get so excited about this crap, I swear. XD Later this afternoon I'm going for a walk. And perhaps ride my bike a mile or two. :D I'm in an insanely good mood today, and for no apparent reason. =]

First weight goal has been met!! 133, ladies. ;)

It's strange, though, because I did it on a terrible week. I consistently went over my daily calories & hardly ever exercised.... imagine what I could do if I actually stuck to the plan... =] I started doing a lot better when I actually wrote down a meal plan for myself. It became less "Go in the kitchen and hope whatever looks good doesn't go over your calorie limit" and more "I know I can have ___ right now, and it is well within my calorie limit." It became easier to say no, you know? =]

Anyway, yes, I am a happy panda, but I have to get ready for work so I'm going to have to cut my usual rambles short. =]

Stay beautiful. xoxox

she is the sunlight

Please ignore the mountains of fug now assaulting your computer screen. o_o Yes, it's me.... and yes, I'm going to give some body shots too. e_e Ones where I take liberties with my angles to show myself in a thinner light than I usually am. *cringes* 

That's a lie.... I feel almost pretty today. =] I cheated and got on the scale early... I'm running just a bit ahead of schedule with my weight, and I am 10 calories under my limit today. =] I'm on my way, ladies... =]

It's my dawg... he thinks he's a pimp. =]

I'mma probably only leave these pictures up for a  couple days.... I'm a little paranoid. =] 

Body shots now.... gulp...

5'3.5"... what weight do I look? No fair looking at my previous posts or whatever. =]

In other news...

Excell Spreadsheets are amazing tools. I swear. I have a chart for my daily calorie intake/exercise, a separate sheet for my measurements from week-to-week and a food log. I have it color coded for Excellent, Passable, Neutral, Poor, and Bad. It's actually very helpful. I haven't been doing very well the past few days... in fact, day one was a disaster, but.... I'm getting better... slightly. =]

This is becoming /fun/ to me again, instead of a chore, or something I feel like I /have/ to do. It's becoming a small victory to see how little I can eat, to see how quickly I can lose weight. To see  who will win--me or my weight.  

 I'm going to win this time. I'm not going to back down. Food is not an issue anymore. It's not a comfort-giving habit. It's not even the enemy. It's merely something I do to live. It means nothing to me anymore. Nothing means anything except being the most beautiful me I can be. Both for me, and for the boy I am madly in love with. He deserves beauty, and that's what I'll give him. =]

I have a question for you all, my lovelies. Should I... post a picture of myself? Not my body, I'm far too ashamed for that.... but maybe my face, so you can put a face to these words on your screen? Is anybody interested? =] Let me know.

This isn't a disorder, it's a choice

At least in my case. I used to do this because a, I had a looot of weight to lose, and b, because I thought it made me a hardass. It doesn't. The truly disordered of us ARE hardasses, and I admire them for coping with it with all the grace and beauty they do, because they are beautiful you know. =] And I hope they know it too.

Me, now, I do this because I enjoy the sense of power and accomplishment I feel when I lose a few more pounds, inching towards my goal. Just the thought of shunning something like food--something essential to life, just makes me feel like i have true power over something in my life. =] And I love that feeling. I love the feeling of hunger, and most of the time I don't get to feel it enough.

I'm just a selfish girl with self-esteem issues. That's all. That's my only identity.


I just felt like getting that out there, because I know most of you are thinking 'wannabe' when you read my posts. =] I love this, and I'm getting better at it. And if it keeps making me happy, I'll continue. =]

Watch me shine

Woah, I'm fail at keeping things up. XD

Things have been crazy lately...it's just been grab-a-bite-whenever, exercise.... the only exercise I get is running around at work or whatever. Things have been pretty hectic the past few weeks though, so yeah. XD I'm working on it. :P

First things first.... Cali boy is no more. =[ I can't do distance relationships anymore, it turns out... got me a taste of the closeness, the cuddling & kissing.... and now I just can't do distance without a definite idea of when I'll see my honey. =[ I liked him.... a lot.... but.... I can't torture myself over it, you know?

About a month after he and I broke up, I started talking to another guy... a closer guy... a fkn emo guy. TwT I loves the emo boys. :3 He's so freaking skinny and beautiful... we are celebrating our one-month-anniversary on Sunday. =] He's amazing, and he... kind of gets me. =] More and more, as we learn each other more every day. =]

ANYWAY. I must get skinny for him. Like seriously, he's freaking scrawny. I can't have my boyfriend being skinnier than me. =\ It aint right. So yeah. I'm going shopping tonight for safe foods, I will start writing in my notebook again, and I'll do at least weekly updates here. =] I'm going to be SKINNY. Finally. If I keep trying, maybe one day I'll get there?