hello again

i just wanted to let you all know that i am shutting this blog down.

i have started another blog which more accurately reflects me and my struggles at this point in time, rather than keeping this one, where i'm just muddling through and mostly failing.

these days, instead of failing and giving up, i fail and keep going. i have reasons to keep the faith and reasons to keep going. rather than just chasing the elusive dream of 'thin', now i have goals, i have reasons. i'm going to make it this time.

i'm hesitant to give out my new blog url, because i'm afraid to cast doubt on myself now. all of you who know me from here and know me as the slacker, or the one who isn't seriously about this, i love you all dearly from when i got to know you as /this/ person, but as you already all have preconceived notions about me, i'm afraid.

comment if you would like a link to my new blog.

i love you all, and miss you all.

strength, grace, beauty,

<3,

breezy

this is for all the times-

all the times i have lied to myself, said i would do better and didn't throw in the effort.

those times are gone.

all the times i have convinced myself to have just-one-more-bite, and allowed that to get out of control.

those times are gone.

all the times i have glanced in the mirror and told myself i am almost pretty.

those times are gone.

all the times i have wished for slimmer thighs, less stomach, for my beautiful bones to show & then never done anything about it.

g . . . o . . . n . . . e

gone like the past year i have spent doing nothing but disappointing myself. hell, gone like even the past disappointments themselves. they're gone now. gone. i don't have to stumble over them anymore, because i can't change the past. all i can do is work on myself today. and let today be the best day. let today be my starting point.

i meant to do this post on new year's but things were kind of hectic. so today is my new year's day. i've felt my resolve harden. i'm going to do this and do it for me. i will be beautiful. this is my resolution. my time is now. my year is this year.

it's going to happen.

i will not stop myself this time.

"What would you do if I got fat?" I snuggled closer to R, nuzzling my face into his shoulder for a moment. The thunder roared overhead and I shivered.

"I would...." he hesitated. 

"Break up with me?" I suggested, pulling back slightly and looking him dead in the eye.

"Nooo....." he drew out the word slowly. "I would probably just.... suggest that it's time to pay attention to proper nutrition." He grinned his beautifully crooked grin, pulling my face closer to his. "But lady, you're anything but fat."

"I beg to differ," I muttered, pressing my lips to his. I suddenly pulled back again. "Ok, how about this one: What would you do if I got so skinny, I was just skin and bones?" His eyes widened.

"I would.... go crazy." he replied.

"Crazy?"

"I would fall even more in love with you--as if that was possible. I... love skinny chicks." He grinned again. He must've seen my face fall, because he started backtracking instantly. "But you're the perfect size for me--I'm serious, you're perfect!!"

"But I'm not a 'skinny chick'"

"You're not skin and bone, no, but you're not fat either--you're in the middle, and that's perfect... do you think I don't like the way you look?"

I bit my lip and watched the rain pour down. "Sometimes?"

"You're perfect" he repeated, pulling me closer. "Absolutely perfect."

I tried to believe him, but it was so hard. After his 'skinny chick' comments, my resolve hardened--I will be that for him. My previous attempts on a diet I threw together have failed after the first week, so I've put together a shorter diet. The calorie allotments are 500 calories and below, with at least one fast day a week, usually on a Wednesday, because my schedule makes it easier to fast on Wednesdays. It'll last two months, with my end GW being 119, down from 133. After that, depending on how I do, I'll either try it again or go back to my attempts on my mashup of the Staircase diet and ABC.

My calorie allowances for week one (starting today) are:
Monday: 500
Tuesday: 400
Wednesday: 0
Thursday: 500
Friday: 400
Saturday: 300
Sunday: 400

I've had 170 calories so far, and I'm feeling great. I'm determined this time. I will be skinny.

Two birds with one stone

I feel so smart. =]

You see, I'm an aspiring writer, and I participate in this thing called National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which is in November. =] Basically, you write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. =] Lots of writing, lots of craziness, lots of fun. =] You have to write at least 1667 words a day if you want to finish it. =] http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and this is my author page: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/668931

'What does this have to do with anything?' you may be asking. Well, my darlings, my plan? My reward for finishing my words per day goal is food. I can't eat until I reach my goal, and even then, I have to stay at/under my calorie limit for the day. =] Sheer. Freaking. Genius. =]

Diet hot chocolate owns my soul.

25 calories per packet.

OhJESUSyes.

In other news, I am having a terrible hair day. It wants to go up down and sideways. I'm trying for the messy-wavy-bohemian look but it was like lolno. So I'm just letting it do its thang, gonna straighten the hell out of it in a sec.

I had a diet plan. I kept fucking it over. So I said WOAHREWIND and now am back on day one. Insanely high calorie amounts for the first four days.... but I'm looking at them more as... 'don't go above this, feel oh-so-very-free to go below'. =] See, what I did is I smushed the Staircase diet and the ABC together, and am going to attempt that. YEAH GOOD LUCK SON.

Day's intake so far:

1 cup brown rice w/ 1 tablespoon butter - 260

Grill cheese on white bread, two slices american cheese, one slice pepperjack - 340

A packet of those pringles stix thingies in Jalapeno (loves that jalapenoooo~!!) - 90

Aforementioned hot chocolate - 25 OWNS. MY. SOUL.

And later, around 6-7-8ish, I'mma have a 25 calorie salad for supper. That's like 1.5-2 cups of veggies and 2 tablespoons of fat-free italian dressing. YUP YUP. =]

I get so excited about this crap, I swear. XD Later this afternoon I'm going for a walk. And perhaps ride my bike a mile or two. :D I'm in an insanely good mood today, and for no apparent reason. =]

First weight goal has been met!! 133, ladies. ;)

It's strange, though, because I did it on a terrible week. I consistently went over my daily calories & hardly ever exercised.... imagine what I could do if I actually stuck to the plan... =] I started doing a lot better when I actually wrote down a meal plan for myself. It became less "Go in the kitchen and hope whatever looks good doesn't go over your calorie limit" and more "I know I can have ___ right now, and it is well within my calorie limit." It became easier to say no, you know? =]

Anyway, yes, I am a happy panda, but I have to get ready for work so I'm going to have to cut my usual rambles short. =]

Stay beautiful. xoxox

she is the sunlight

Please ignore the mountains of fug now assaulting your computer screen. o_o Yes, it's me.... and yes, I'm going to give some body shots too. e_e Ones where I take liberties with my angles to show myself in a thinner light than I usually am. *cringes* 

That's a lie.... I feel almost pretty today. =] I cheated and got on the scale early... I'm running just a bit ahead of schedule with my weight, and I am 10 calories under my limit today. =] I'm on my way, ladies... =]

It's my dawg... he thinks he's a pimp. =]

I'mma probably only leave these pictures up for a  couple days.... I'm a little paranoid. =] 

Body shots now.... gulp...

5'3.5"... what weight do I look? No fair looking at my previous posts or whatever. =]