Someday Perfection

hello again

2011-09-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

i just wanted to let you all know that i am shutting this blog down.

i have started another blog which more accurately reflects me and my struggles at this point in time, rather than keeping this one, where i'm just muddling through and mostly failing.

these days, instead of failing and giving up, i fail and keep going. i have reasons to keep the faith and reasons to keep going. rather than just chasing the elusive dream of 'thin', now i have goals, i have reasons. i'm going to make it this time.

i'm hesitant to give out my new blog url, because i'm afraid to cast doubt on myself now. all of you who know me from here and know me as the slacker, or the one who isn't seriously about this, i love you all dearly from when i got to know you as /this/ person, but as you already all have preconceived notions about me, i'm afraid.

comment if you would like a link to my new blog.

i love you all, and miss you all.

strength, grace, beauty,

<3,

breezy

this is for all the times-

2011-01-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

all the times i have lied to myself, said i would do better and didn't throw in the effort.

those times are gone.

all the times i have convinced myself to have just-one-more-bite, and allowed that to get out of control.

those times are gone.

all the times i have glanced in the mirror and told myself i am almost pretty.

those times are gone.

all the times i have wished for slimmer thighs, less stomach, for my beautiful bones to show & then never done anything about it.

g . . . o . . . n . . . e

gone like the past year i have spent doing nothing but disappointing myself. hell, gone like even the past disappointments themselves. they're gone now. gone. i don't have to stumble over them anymore, because i can't change the past. all i can do is work on myself today. and let today be the best day. let today be my starting point.

i meant to do this post on new year's but things were kind of hectic. so today is my new year's day. i've felt my resolve harden. i'm going to do this and do it for me. i will be beautiful. this is my resolution. my time is now. my year is this year.

it's going to happen.

i will not stop myself this time.

2010-10-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

"What would you do if I got fat?" I snuggled closer to R, nuzzling my face into his shoulder for a moment. The thunder roared overhead and I shivered.

"I would...." he hesitated.

"Break up with me?" I suggested, pulling back slightly and looking him dead in the eye.

"Nooo....." he drew out the word slowly. "I would probably just.... suggest that it's time to pay attention to proper nutrition." He grinned his beautifully crooked grin, pulling my face closer to his. "But lady, you're anything but fat."

"I beg to differ," I muttered, pressing my lips to his. I suddenly pulled back again. "Ok, how about this one: What would you do if I got so skinny, I was just skin and bones?" His eyes widened.

"I would.... go crazy." he replied.

"Crazy?"

"I would fall even more in love with you--as if that was possible. I... love skinny chicks." He grinned again. He must've seen my face fall, because he started backtracking instantly. "But you're the perfect size for me--I'm serious, you're perfect!!"

"But I'm not a 'skinny chick'"

"You're not skin and bone, no, but you're not fat either--you're in the middle, and that's perfect... do you think I don't like the way you look?"

I bit my lip and watched the rain pour down. "Sometimes?"

"You're perfect" he repeated, pulling me closer. "Absolutely perfect."

I tried to believe him, but it was so hard. After his 'skinny chick' comments, my resolve hardened--I will be that for him. My previous attempts on a diet I threw together have failed after the first week, so I've put together a shorter diet. The calorie allotments are 500 calories and below, with at least one fast day a week, usually on a Wednesday, because my schedule makes it easier to fast on Wednesdays. It'll last two months, with my end GW being 119, down from 133. After that, depending on how I do, I'll either try it again or go back to my attempts on my mashup of the Staircase diet and ABC.

My calorie allowances for week one (starting today) are:
Monday: 500
Tuesday: 400
Wednesday: 0
Thursday: 500
Friday: 400
Saturday: 300
Sunday: 400

I've had 170 calories so far, and I'm feeling great. I'm determined this time. I will be skinny.

Two birds with one stone

2010-10-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

I feel so smart. =]

You see, I'm an aspiring writer, and I participate in this thing called National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which is in November. =] Basically, you write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. =] Lots of writing, lots of craziness, lots of fun. =] You have to write at least 1667 words a day if you want to finish it. =] http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and this is my author page: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/668931

'What does this have to do with anything?' you may be asking. Well, my darlings, my plan? My reward for finishing my words per day goal is food. I can't eat until I reach my goal, and even then, I have to stay at/under my calorie limit for the day. =] Sheer. Freaking. Genius. =]

2010-09-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

Diet hot chocolate owns my soul.

25 calories per packet.

OhJESUSyes.

In other news, I am having a terrible hair day. It wants to go up down and sideways. I'm trying for the messy-wavy-bohemian look but it was like lolno. So I'm just letting it do its thang, gonna straighten the hell out of it in a sec.

I had a diet plan. I kept fucking it over. So I said WOAHREWIND and now am back on day one. Insanely high calorie amounts for the first four days.... but I'm looking at them more as... 'don't go above this, feel oh-so-very-free to go below'. =] See, what I did is I smushed the Staircase diet and the ABC together, and am going to attempt that. YEAH GOOD LUCK SON.

Day's intake so far:

1 cup brown rice w/ 1 tablespoon butter - 260

Grill cheese on white bread, two slices american cheese, one slice pepperjack - 340

A packet of those pringles stix thingies in Jalapeno (loves that jalapenoooo~!!) - 90

Aforementioned hot chocolate - 25 OWNS. MY. SOUL.

And later, around 6-7-8ish, I'mma have a 25 calorie salad for supper. That's like 1.5-2 cups of veggies and 2 tablespoons of fat-free italian dressing. YUP YUP. =]

I get so excited about this crap, I swear. XD Later this afternoon I'm going for a walk. And perhaps ride my bike a mile or two. :D I'm in an insanely good mood today, and for no apparent reason. =]

2010-09-22T06:30:00.000-07:00

First weight goal has been met!! 133, ladies. ;)

It's strange, though, because I did it on a terrible week. I consistently went over my daily calories & hardly ever exercised.... imagine what I could do if I actually stuck to the plan... =] I started doing a lot better when I actually wrote down a meal plan for myself. It became less "Go in the kitchen and hope whatever looks good doesn't go over your calorie limit" and more "I know I can have ___ right now, and it is well within my calorie limit." It became easier to say no, you know? =]

Anyway, yes, I am a happy panda, but I have to get ready for work so I'm going to have to cut my usual rambles short. =]

Stay beautiful. xoxox

she is the sunlight

2010-09-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

Please ignore the mountains of fug now assaulting your computer screen. o_o Yes, it's me.... and yes, I'm going to give some body shots too. e_e Ones where I take liberties with my angles to show myself in a thinner light than I usually am. *cringes*

That's a lie.... I feel almost pretty today. =] I cheated and got on the scale early... I'm running just a bit ahead of schedule with my weight, and I am 10 calories under my limit today. =] I'm on my way, ladies... =]

It's my dawg... he thinks he's a pimp. =]

I'mma probably only leave these pictures up for a couple days.... I'm a little paranoid. =]

Body shots now.... gulp...

5'3.5"... what weight do I look? No fair looking at my previous posts or whatever. =]

In other news...

2010-09-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

Excell Spreadsheets are amazing tools. I swear. I have a chart for my daily calorie intake/exercise, a separate sheet for my measurements from week-to-week and a food log. I have it color coded for Excellent, Passable, Neutral, Poor, and Bad. It's actually very helpful. I haven't been doing very well the past few days... in fact, day one was a disaster, but.... I'm getting better... slightly. =]

This is becoming /fun/ to me again, instead of a chore, or something I feel like I /have/ to do. It's becoming a small victory to see how little I can eat, to see how quickly I can lose weight. To see who will win--me or my weight.

I'm going to win this time. I'm not going to back down. Food is not an issue anymore. It's not a comfort-giving habit. It's not even the enemy. It's merely something I do to live. It means nothing to me anymore. Nothing means anything except being the most beautiful me I can be. Both for me, and for the boy I am madly in love with. He deserves beauty, and that's what I'll give him. =]

I have a question for you all, my lovelies. Should I... post a picture of myself? Not my body, I'm far too ashamed for that.... but maybe my face, so you can put a face to these words on your screen? Is anybody interested? =] Let me know.

This isn't a disorder, it's a choice

2010-09-08T19:45:00.001-07:00

At least in my case. I used to do this because a, I had a looot of weight to lose, and b, because I thought it made me a hardass. It doesn't. The truly disordered of us ARE hardasses, and I admire them for coping with it with all the grace and beauty they do, because they are beautiful you know. =] And I hope they know it too.

Me, now, I do this because I enjoy the sense of power and accomplishment I feel when I lose a few more pounds, inching towards my goal. Just the thought of shunning something like food--something essential to life, just makes me feel like i have true power over something in my life. =] And I love that feeling. I love the feeling of hunger, and most of the time I don't get to feel it enough.

I'm just a selfish girl with self-esteem issues. That's all. That's my only identity.

I just felt like getting that out there, because I know most of you are thinking 'wannabe' when you read my posts. =] I love this, and I'm getting better at it. And if it keeps making me happy, I'll continue. =]

Watch me shine

2010-09-07T19:28:00.001-07:00

Woah, I'm fail at keeping things up. XD

Things have been crazy lately...it's just been grab-a-bite-whenever, exercise.... the only exercise I get is running around at work or whatever. Things have been pretty hectic the past few weeks though, so yeah. XD I'm working on it. :P

First things first.... Cali boy is no more. =[ I can't do distance relationships anymore, it turns out... got me a taste of the closeness, the cuddling & kissing.... and now I just can't do distance without a definite idea of when I'll see my honey. =[ I liked him.... a lot.... but.... I can't torture myself over it, you know?

About a month after he and I broke up, I started talking to another guy... a closer guy... a fkn emo guy. TwT I loves the emo boys. :3 He's so freaking skinny and beautiful... we are celebrating our one-month-anniversary on Sunday. =] He's amazing, and he... kind of gets me. =] More and more, as we learn each other more every day. =]

ANYWAY. I must get skinny for him. Like seriously, he's freaking scrawny. I can't have my boyfriend being skinnier than me. =\ It aint right. So yeah. I'm going shopping tonight for safe foods, I will start writing in my notebook again, and I'll do at least weekly updates here. =] I'm going to be SKINNY. Finally. If I keep trying, maybe one day I'll get there?

Don't give up on me

2010-07-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in this fight to win it now. I used to feel like I was drowning in it, but now I almost feel like I can float... almost strong enough to swim. I've just got to catch my breath.

Swam for about 5 hours today with my friends. XD Sunburned like a lobster, and it's itching, stinging and burning. It was cloudy, so we all figured we didn't need sunscreen...

...As we're discovering now, we were idiots \o/ I'm pretty excited about the amount of exercise it got me, though. :3 Went to work right after, but now I'm home again. Though the exercising front is good, I ate like a freaking pig o_O Tally is 1 1/2 PB&J sandwich, two handfuls of chips, two brownies and 1 1/2 strawberry shortcake thingies. So yeah. Hoooopefully, the swimming helped cancel some of that out. I'll give myself props, though, it could've been so much worse.

Tomorrow, the plan is straight to church, then straight to work. No eating before church or during my break, if I happen to get one. I'll probably get off between 2 and 5, at which point I'll be going home. Where there's food constantly available. Not a good situation. So instead, I will clean the cat box when I get in, then proceed to finish cleaning my room/bathroom, which generally gets me out of the Food Mood. After I finish cleaning, I'll reward myself with a PB&J. <3 Which is weird that that's my reward, because I've hated the things for years, but suddenly find myself really really liking and craving them o___O ...Anyhoo, after the sandwich, I'm probably going for a walk. With sunblock on my sunburn, the tanlines exposed, to try to at least fade the whiteness of them a bit. XDDD Exercise AND beautification? Yes please. <3

The best days are yet to come

2010-06-30T06:31:00.001-07:00

The days when I can be carried away with the slightest breath of wind. The days I can go clothes shopping and not worry about the size of my ass in pants. The days I can slip into a bikini and know that I look beautiful. The days I can know there's no more weight to lose, no more nasty fat hanging like a brick around my neck.

My best days are coming. I can feel it.

---

You know, the main difference between me-then and me-now is confidence. I actually have a little bit of confidence these days. I can hold my head high and smile my ray-of-sunshine smile, and it makes most people do a double-take and smile too. I can now realize that I actually have really good features--I don't have that 'mainstream' beauty, no, but maybe I have my own sort of beauty. One that will be even more evident once I lose the last of this weight.

Fat is the enemy, and it will be destroyed. I've found a bit of the strength I used to have... not quite enough to fast just yet, but possibly to restrict like crazy. I'm going to survive on 600 calories a day. It's getting into a 'high' range... but maybe in the days to come, I can cut it back to 500.

I need to get back on my vegan diet. That was when I lost the most weight--sometimes as much as 4-5 pounds a week. Of course, weight loss just seems to get harder, once you don't have a LOT to lose. And really, if you think about it, I don't have THAT much to lose, to get to normal-slender. About 10lbs to get to the 'perfect' weight for my height. Of course, that's not perfection enough for me... but still kind of crazy when I think about it. XD

I actually exercise these days too. o: I'm pretty big on running and walking around my house. XDD Yesterday, I kicked it up a notch. Grabbed my iPod, started walking down the road. Felt good, so I kicked up and jogged for about 300-400 yards--which killed me, btw. I've gotta get in shape. XD Well then, my favorite song came on the radio. So I busted a few moves in the middle of the road. XD I'm actually not a bad dancer when I actually have room to move o_O So I figure if I do that at least three times a week, plus my house circuits--which include doing a few pushups and stair runs after--I should be pretty damn good on the exercising. Add in my resistance bands to try to tone up my arms... and damn, I should be fkn sexy for my Cali trip. :]

So now I have a question. For the girl who has a sweet tooth, and who is also cutting calories majorly, what do you suggest she eat to calm the sugar beast? Gum helps some, but any other suggestions... and I will hunt you down just to give you the biggest hug in the world. XDD Also, any other exercise suggestions would be nice too. :]

Oh, and I see I've got new followers too, so don't be shy! Introduce yourselves~! Link me to your blog, if you have one. :] I wanna get to know you all. ♥

Stay strong~ xox

Beautiful disaster

2010-06-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what she's after
But she's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
~Kelly Clarkson

The bitch is back, ladies and gents. She's back, and as fat as ever. Hasn't managed to lose much at all. Eats like a fkn cow. The usual, you know? But she doesn't mind, because at least she hasn't GAINED. And at least she usually manages to stay below 135. So suck it, fattymcfatpants. She's not backing down.

Yeah, there was one time I dipped down to 129, but of course I fkd that up, so whatever. Take a deep breath and move on. There's always tomorrow to do better. Always. And I'm finally remaking my decision to put aside the fattiness and return to the pure emptiness of... whatever this is. I am not ana, by any stretch of the imagination. I lack the willpower to truly embrace it. But whatever it is I should call myself, I'm back. I'm back and it feels good.

I can't get there by 'eating healthy' and 'embracing who I am'. Will I ever be happy if I can't look in the mirror without wincing? Can a person truly be happy when they know they're not beautiful? Maybe some people can, but not me. That's why I'm back, chasing the elusive beauty this lifestyle promises.
---
So much has happened since I last posted. I broke up with C a couple weeks ago... something *ahem* major almost happened, but we got caught by the friggin cops. That pretty much took away anything I'd felt for him to begin with, so I ditched it. I didn't really feel for him the way I thought, anyway... the only reason I was about to do anything with him was... I just wanted to try to feel something, you know? He really likes me, so I wanted to like him too. At that point I'd pretty much given up my hope of ever finding my 'one true love', so I was ready to just settle for someone--anyone. Just a warm body I could hold and pretend that maybe this is what love could be. It was a lie, though, because I'd experienced love. This wasn't it. So after I had my excuse, I escaped, and in the process, somehow found my heart again.

I'd known this guy for four years. He'd been my best friend through everything. Everything. Through R, through C, through everything. He knows about this... and other things I don't feel comfortable even telling you ladies... and yet he was still my friend, even though I felt so fucked up I didn't think anybody could be. So I was emotional and told him that I'd had a crush on him FOREVER.

And he told me he'd felt the same. Forever.

Problem? He lives in California.

Solution? Take the job I've had for almost two months now, begin saving so I can run away for a week or so to see him. I'm almost 17 now. What can they do to me? What can they ever do to me, when I've already had worse done to me by myself? By my own mind. So I'm going to do it.

He's perfect for me. It's like I've finally found my missing piece. The moment I knew he felt the same about me... it's like my heart stopped feeling so restless, so dissatisfied. Because he was what it yearned for, what it needed with every beat. He's the one I can tell anything to--I can be completely honest and know that he's not judging, he just wants to help me in any way he can.

This is it. If this isn't motivation, I don't know what is. This isn't just about looks anymore. Though they do play a role, it's about perfection now. He's so utterly, devastatingly perfect, now it's my turn.

The clock is ticking. Am I going to win this round?

Woo hoo~

2010-03-01T10:25:00.000-08:00

Quite late, but 133 at last!

I just haven't been eating much lately... it can't be a surge of willpower, because I still eat what I want, I just don't want to eat much anymore. It's weird. It's kind of like what happened when my ex broke up with me back in December, but it's different. I'm not sad or unhappy, in fact, since I started going out with C, I'm pretty darn happy these days.

In fact, I had my first kiss on Saturday (We made out in a parking lot for like thirty minutes... XD), and then he kissed me many many many more times on Sunday, plus he makes me feel so safe and wanted.... so I'm happy. I'm very, very happy. I'm just not going to question this eating thing, because that just adds to my happiness... C is very tall (6'1"!!) and skinny, and I'm short (Effing 5'3.5") and... fat. =_=; But he seems to like me anyway... so... ok. I'll just keep losing weight.

I have three days to lose two pounds and get myself back on track. I think I can do it. I can just almost feel it. I just can't wait until there's no more three on the scale and I don't ever have to go back to it... god, I can almost taste it.

125 by the 14th? I think I can do it. It'll put me way ahead of schedule... which is awesome. Just gotta keep my head in the game and not give up for anything. I'm not giving up this time.

Stay strong xoxo

Owow

2010-02-26T09:11:00.000-08:00

Soooo much has happened recently. It's crazy, it's totally crazy. Let me just tell you right here and now that my memory is like three seconds long and I didn't read over my last post (which was before this happened, I think, so whatever), so if I repeat anything that I told you about there, please forgive me... I think the last post was mostly piercing-related anyway.

But this is better. This is sooo much better. I... have a boyfriend. My first actual real-life boyfriend. Most of my bfs have been over the internet, but this is BETTER. :DDDD

It all started with a missed phone call. I'm pretty sure I told you guys about the superbowl party, and the hotnicefriendly guy who asked for my phone number but was like "my phone's broken, so it might be a while before I can call", yet I gave it anyway.

Ok, so Sunday afternoon, I checked my phone and had a missed call. I started freaking out. Anyway, I called the number... and it wasn't him. BUT it was his friend, who told me that the first dude--we'll call him B--had used HIS phone--we'll call him C--to call ME. Needless to say, I was freaking out like OH MAI GAWDDDD. So C and I talked for a few minutes, and come to find out, I knew who he was. We'd never talked or anything, but I'd seen him and kind of thought he was cute. It wasn't up in the front of my mind like OMG GOTTA HAVE GOTTA HAVE, it was just a little mental note, because I figured I had absolutely no chance. Anyway, while we were talking, he was clarifying who I was, and I was like "Wow, he actually noticed me? o_O". It was great, and we started texting and stuff.

On Monday evening, he said he had a confession to make. I finally pried it out of him, and he told me he'd liked me for a while. I started freaking out again. I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, didn't know what to say, so I'm just like "Ok... um..." so we quickly moved on. Anyway, we kept texting and, then on Tuesday night he was asking if I'd be at church on Wednesday night. I was, and we kind of acknowledged each other there... didn't really talk, though. His next text was "I don't think I have a chance with the person I like" I knew he was talking about me. And as the days had gone by and we'd kept talking, I realized I did like him. I really did. I decided to not come right out and say that, though, so I was like "Why?" and he said "Because I don't think she likes me too." and that's when I said "If you're talking about me, you're wrong." About five seconds after I sent the message, my phone rang, and he asked me out. I was totally freaking out for the rest of the night. XD

Anyway, our first date was last night. We kinda-sorta went to a baseball game. Kinda-sorta because he was taking the money for parking, so we were just sitting in his van at the start of the drive into the parking lot, and we were just talking and holding hands. And then after he was off at about 7:30 it was part-way through a game, so we just went up and watched it. It was cold out, and he let me have his jacket, which I put on over my hoodie... which now smells like him. It's officially my FAVORITE hoodie ever. :P

It was pretty fun, and then I went to his house after and met his parents, and he called to say they really liked me, so yay. He's meeting mine on Sunday. XDDD

We might have another date tomorrow, but it's iffy. I really do hope I can go... I really really really like this guy. XDD And he absolutely cemented the fact that he's a really nice guy with the fact that he didn't even try to kiss me last night. I wouldn't have let him if he'd tried, and the fact that he didn't even go for it, just gave me a hug... that just makes me think "wow". He's great, he's really awesome. XD

The youth group is having a spring break trip for the high schoolers to Six Flags (in Dallas), and I was going to go by myself because my friends couldn't make it, but now he's going with me and I'm SO excited. He'll make the van ride fun. :P Anyway, the trip starts on the 14th, and according to my deadline, I should be about 128-127 by then... but I'm going to see if I can hit 125. But it HAS to have a 2 on it. No more 3. I'm SO freaking sick of being in the 130s. So gross.

As for eating, yesterday was practically a fast, except I had a sandwich at about 11:00 when I got home. My stomach had been too full of butterflies to eat anything before then. Ummm... I'm 135 right now, which is better than hovering around 138-139 like I have been lately, but I did just get my period, so it was probably just all that stupid water weight. I missed the 133 deadline about two days ago, and I would readjust... but I just don't feel like it. So I'll be behind a little bit. I'll lose extra for a couple weeks and hit the next deadline.

So far today, I've just had coffee, and I'm planning on a salad and maybe a piece of fruit later. I've been trying to work in three cups of green tea a day, because I've heard that's good for your metabolism, but it's hard because then I forget to drink some of them, so it feels like a wasted effort. But whatever, I'm trying, right? Trying counts, doesn't it?

I've also got these nifty little vitamins for skin, hair and nails. They're... biotin, I think. Has anybody taken those and gotten good results? According to my best friend, I don't need them, but I'm going to take them anyway. So yeah, anybody taken biotin before?

I think that's about all. Stay strong, ladies! xoxo

WHOO HOO!

2010-02-20T21:19:00.000-08:00

UNDER 500 CALORIES TODAY!!!!! YESYESYESYES!!!!!

PLUS!!!! I got the piercing!!!!! The second lobe!!!! : DDDDD! Twigs, thanks for the advice--they told me to twist it three times a day after I clean it, but the left one hurts when I do twist... so good to know it's not absolutely necessary. XDDDD

BTW, anything under 700 calories always makes me just a bit loopy, especially + caffeine... and I just finished two cups of coffee and am working on a soda--diet, of course. ;P I'm pretty damn excited about this whole day. XDDD

I did have to get my ear pierced in the mall, though... I wanted to go to an actual piercing place where they wouldn't use the gun (because I've heard those can't be sterilized... GROSS!), but my parents were like OH NO. So whatever, got it done in the mall, I don't really care. XDDD Anyway, ran into my youth minister from church and his wife while we were there and he was like "So what've you been up to?" and I'm like "DUDE, PIERCING MY EAR!!!" and he was like "Oh, awesome... mine closed up a long time ago. D:" and I'm like "Woah, waitafrikkinminute... you had an earring? o_o" and he points to his ear and is like "Two. :D" and I'm like "ok, dude, you just gained like +50 awesome points. o___o" I mean, dude is flipping awesome anyway, but seriously, you don't expect someone in the church like that to have been pierced... or I don't, anyway. XDD

I also got some resistance bands for toning... my arms are in sad, sad shape, and I want to look SMOKIN' this summer.

'Kay, I'm kind of getting all-over-the-place with this entry, so I'll go ahead and hang it up now... WHOO, frikkin' awesome day!

Stay strong~

Slowly, yet surely

2010-02-19T11:46:00.001-08:00

I'm not going to say how much I weigh. Just know that it's more than I'd like--at least it was when I weighed myself a few days ago. It might have started coming down, but it's unlikely.

Things have just gotten crazy and I lost my already fragile grip on control. Yesterday's calorie count was an estimated 930 calories. It had to be estimated because I just don't ever know the exact calorie amount of the food that goes in my mouth anymore. That has to stop. And it has. ^^ Today has been pretty good so far. I had coffee and a 15-calorie dry salad--that's two whole cups of veggies!! I was full, but nearly slipped up. I had a bean burrito all made up and ready to eat. I was seasoning it up and thinking "No... this isn't good... don't do this... please! You can stop now... STOP! NOW!" but somehow I just couldn't stop. But I did dump way too much salt on, and then took a bite (est 25 calories) and threw the rest away. I'm still within my calorie limit for today, because in my journal I told myself I could have a salad worth 50 calories, but I only did 15. So I'm still ok.

After I do a couple days like this (Salad, then a grapefruit, then an 80 cal yogurt), then I'll get back to the Staircase/ABC diet. This is going to work this time. It has to.

In other news, my iPod decided to freak out on me, so I had to uninstall iTunes. Unfortunately, now the Apple website is totally whack and I can't redownload it. So I'm quite pissed about that.

And next week, I'm getting a second piercing in my lobes. :DDD I've had the standard one piercing per earlobe since I was... three or four, I think, and I've been begging to get something else pierced FOREVER, and finally hit upon something my mom was ok with. We're not telling my dad beforehand, even though she thinks he'll be ok with it. ;P
After the double lobe heals up nicely, I think I'm going to ask for either an industrial piercing (Also known as a scaffold piercing, I think) or a third lobe. Probably an industrial to start with, then work down to the third lobe. But you can bet if they say no to the industrial, I'm getting it the second I turn 18, along with a navel piercing. :D At that point, I'll be good on the piercing front. XDDD I don't want to turn into a walking tacklebox. o_o

So yeah, I think that's all. Stay strong, my ladies. xoxo

Falling and getting up again

2010-02-15T09:39:00.000-08:00

I fell again. Yesterday was one long, horrid binge. I don't know what's wrong with me--why do I keep doing this? I hate myself, I hate that I can't stick to anything for the life of me. I hate that my body keeps fighting me to stay fat.

I'm (semi?)fasting today, and then the 400 calorie day tomorrow. I'm allowing myself two cups of coffee and three cups of green tea. The rest will be water. I've got to meet my goal. I've got to get skinny.

My grandma is coming to visit on the 20th. My mom and I have to go pick her up, though. Last time she saw me, my boyfriend had just broken up with me, which toppled me into almost a week-long fast. I was 133 pounds. I've gotta at least get back there--lower if I can manage it. And then I can just smile as I continue to drop weight as she's here.
When I was .... obese.... she always made comments about how I needed to lose weight. When I was 133, she kept telling me I looked good. Well ok. How about 120? What will you say then? 110? 100? 90? It's weird, but the moment she tells me "Honey, you need to gain weight, you're too thin..." will be the moment I finally feel like I've made it. I don't know why it's her. Maybe because of the comments before... but once that comment comes, I'm going to smile my most angelic smile and say "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm fine, just fine."

My only worry is I'll never look truly thin. I've said this in previous posts, but I just want to say it again. I'm built like a wall. My bones aren't big, but they aren't delicate and small either. I have a wide ribcage, and short legs. My arms are a good length, and my fore-arms almost look skinny, except for one little bulge by my elbow. My upper arms are horrid, so we won't even go there. I do have a waist, which is nice. I'm an hourglass shape. I'd give anything to be a ruler, though. Slight curves, not overwhelming in the slightest... because then when I got skinny, I wouldn't have breasts or an ass. I hate my breasts. They're like a C cup. I'd give anything for a B. My ass is ok, I guess. But it's too big. It's like a bubble. They say that's attractive, buuut... I'd rather have a flat ass any day.
I'm just... curvy. Even my legs are curvy. I almost have cankles, which could be from my weight still, but I might just have unfortunately-shaped legs. There is a bit of definition between calf and ankle, but it's not enough for me. My thighs are ginormous. Giiiiinormous. My belly is big, too. I have a gut that I can't get rid of. My face is ok, I guess. Sometimes it looks pretty, sometimes it just looks heavy and dull. I would post photos for you guys (Minus the face. Paranoid about that. x_x), but I still feel huge... and I don't know about taking photos where you could see all this... that would be like in my underwear, right? Ain't happening. I might think about doing photos when I reach 120-125, but that's still up in the air. Just tell me what you guys think, I guess. x_x

I guess I just want to be someone else entirely. I got the short end of the stick in everything else, why couldn't I at least be pretty too?

2010-02-12T14:34:00.000-08:00

This is going to be pretty short.

Today's limit: 500
Intake so far: 350
Stopping now?: Hopefully. <_<

I set aside a grapefruit (100) and a dry salad (15 for 2 cups of veggies) for the rest of the day. If I stick to it (And I will!!) it'll be 465 calories for the day, and 35 calories in the bank. :D

Boy still hasn't called/texted me. I'm getting... kind of hopeless about the whole situation. I think it's starting to look like he has no intention of calling. It's been almost a week now, so... I dunno. >=

The snow knocked out the electricity, so we're using the generator. It used to, and might still have a nasty habit of exploding things... so I'm going to go ahead and end this post now, just in case. XD I do apologize for not making a longer post, but I REALLY would enjoy keeping my laptop in its unexploded state.

Stay strong xoxo

Strong Enough

2010-02-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

I'm stronger today.

Today's intake:
Salad with two kiwis (odd addition, yes, but had to get them eaten before they went bad) - 105 calories
8 crackers with cheese and 1 slice bologna - 280 (about 80 for the crackers, an est. 100 for the cheese, and a definite 100 for the bologna)
Grapefruit - 100
Total: 485

Weight? Me + all clothes, including jeans = 138.8.

Hmm.

Strength pays off.

I guess we'll have to see if this holds tomorrow. I am under the limit for today, and my stomach is deliciously empty, though it's feeling like it wants to eat itself. DX It'll get better, though. It will, it has to. I'm adding one hundred calories to my bank, and if I have to, I'll use the remaining tonight, to head off a binge. Of course, this is only if I have to, if there's no other way to keep from binging. I won't let it happen, though. I'm stronger than that.

In other news, it's SNOWING. In Texas. It's been going steady all day, since 8am. It's 11pm now. :D It stopped sticking this afternoon, but now it's colder again, so it's starting to pile up again. It's so great, I love snow. :D

Stay strong, ladies. xoxox

139

2010-02-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

Uh-huh.

I'm not going over 140 again.

It's 2:30pm and I've had 15 calories. A salad, dry. I tempted myself with an egg to go on it, "It's PROTEIN, after all!!" but then I reminded my fat self that I don't NEED the protein yet. All I need is low calories, low low low low low.

I'd almost forgotten how... good vegetables are. I haven't had a plain salad in a while, and I forgot how good the cold, slightly juicy, crunchy veggies feel when you chew them--how they're just slightly sweet. Just enough that you can eat them dry without wanting to throw your bowl across the room. I'd almost forgotten how deliciously low-cal yet filling they are. It's like magic, you know? That something so uniquely delicious can be so good for you, and yet won't really have any negative effect on your weight. In fact, they can really only help you instead of hurting you.

...Ok, that was weird. I'll admit it. XDD But it's oh-so-true.

It is Wednesday, and there's youth group tonight. I'm hoping the guy I mentioned yesterday will be there... Sunday was the first time I'd ever seen him at our church, so I don't know if a friend just made him come to the Superbowl party, or if he's going to start coming... oh, lord, I hope he's there. He's tooooo cute. <3 And the perfect inspiration for me to lose weight! :D

I'm starting my own skinny revolution. I'm going to fight the good fight and win the battle against my body.

I'm going to win.

I'm going to be skinny.

Epic Failure + Other Stuff.

2010-02-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, so first the epic failure. I only JUST NOW got through the 700 cal day. Only NOW. Willpower is shot to hell. I can't get it back, for some reason. But I'm going to try to keep on trucking. 600 calories tomorrow. I'm going to try to get through this... I have to. I have to do this.

I don't even know what I weigh right now, because I haven't been eating well, so I just haven't had the heart to get on the scales.... so tomorrow will be the moment of truth. I guess. I'm so scared, I don't know what my weight has done. I just... I don't know. I feel so lost. Like I don't have anything left--like I'm going to be a whale for my entire life.

I'm going to push my weight goals list back another week, because I'm not going to hit tomorrow's goal, I know it. But I've got to get back somehow. I miss it--I miss it so much. The steady loss, dancing when I hit the scales in the morning... I mean, when I was restricting and only eating salads, my skin was absolutely flawless and my hair was absolutely beautiful. My skin is currently breaking out and my hair, while a bit shinier, is also frizzy and gross. I don't know if there's a connection... but I guess the only way to find out is to get back in the game.

So let me ask you a question, ladies. How do you get yourselves back on track? How do you climb back up the mountain once you've fallen so far? How do you start over? What do you do?

The other stuff is pretty awesome, though. The only things keeping me from spiraling off into a deep, dark "Oh, my god, I am OBESE" depression. XD

Ok, so first off, I had a busybusybusy weekend. It started on Friday evening when I went to a student conference with my church's youth group. It was amazing. Seriously amazing. While I was there, it hit me hard. Really hard. I realized that yes, I had accepted Jesus into my life years ago, yes I'd been baptized--the whole deal, but that for the past few years, I hadn't LIVED it. I'd decided it wasn't 'cool' to be a Christian, that it was... I don't know. But anyway, while at the conference, I made the decision to do better. I'm going to try to get back into the faith. I mean, I've been going to church more in the past month, but that's all. But this weekend changed things. I'm going to try. I'm going to try hard.

More awesome stuff... that starts with a bit of background.

I have been homeschooled my entire life. That never really bothered me, because I could usually find friends no matter where I went. Even if they were friends for a moment, a week, a year--no matter what, I did have friends. In the past... oh, two or three years, though, I realized that I wanted something... different. The sort of friendship that spans over an entire lifetime. A deep friendship. Most of my 'friends' at that point, I had only known for a few weeks, and they didn't seem to truly consider me a 'friend'. I'm not going to get into it right now, but I think that's when I started to truly be unhappy with myself and my looks.

Anyway, I'd been wanting friends so badly for years now, and it got so much worse when my parents moved us out to the country, and I didn't have anywhere to go. No friends. Nothing. I was cut off, except for my internet friends. We tried to find a church, but nothing really clicked. Just about a month ago, though, we found one. I found a couple of friends there, and things started to look up.

I still wasn't happy though, until just this past Sunday. The youth group had a Superbowl party, and that's when things started happening. I met people, they loved me, I had friends! I had friends that I'm sure really do like me--especially as a few are guys, and in my (limited) experience, guys don't pretend to like someone to spare their feelings. They either like you or avoid you. And the guys like me. It's... amazing. That I could be likable. And one guy was... cute. And I'm not sure, but I think he likes me too--I can't be sure, because he's a super-friendly guy, and I might just be misreading things, but whatever. Hope lives on, right? : P

The thing is, it does make me wonder... would they like me more once I'm thinner? Would the guy's interest really take off if I was skinny? What will happen? Will skinny make my dreams come true?

Here we go again

2010-02-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, so that sleepover was fun.

Except I was wrong, I didn't keep myself in control.

But that's not an issue, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, I just screwed up some. Not a big deal, not going to beat myself up for it. I'm just going to pick myself up and move on instead of falling into the bingebingebinge cycle again. I just crossed off my 1000+ calorie days, plus my 900 and 800 days too, forcing me to start at a... *cough* "low" calorie amount. I also erased my calorie bank, so it's starting over on empty.

I'm also taking today 'off'. Not like 'bingemyfaceoff' off, but more like "eat semi-sensibly" off. Tomorrow, I go to 700 cals and it's all good. : D

Sending hopes for strength and beauty your way xoxo

2010-01-28T09:07:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I was talking about a 'calorie bank' where I save up some calories, but basically my only rule was I couldn't use it during a fast.

Now that's all well and good, but after I went to bed last night, I figured I needed a few more restrictions on it.

1. The max amount I can keep in it is 500 calories.
2. I can only make a 'withdrawl' once a week.
3. The max amount I can withdraw is 200 calories per usage.
4. Still can't use it during a fast or,
5. Can't use it the day after a fast (to make sure my weight doesn't shoot up)

I'll edit the counter at the top of my page later. I've got to run right now. XD

I <3 you, lovelies! xoxo

Today's review/tomorrow's meal plan

2010-01-27T19:21:00.002-08:00

Review of today:

I stayed on track almost perfectly. I had certain times for eating planned out, but my alarm didn't wake me up this morning, so I slept until freaking noon. =_=; (I'm homeschooled, I can do that. ;3). So breakfast wound up being lunch, lunch was at about three, and then supper was about 20 minutes ago. I haven't had any of my snacks (Except my Sprite) so I'm going to go ahead and have those within the next few hours, and then tomorrow, I'm getting up and keeping my day perfectly planned and controlled.

I figured that keeping myself on an eating schedule would help when the days go down to being super-restrictive. I'll know when I can eat, and so maybe won't be so tempted to just walk into the kitchen and grab something.

Tomorrow's meal plan:

Breakfast:
Grapefruit - 100 calories
Coffee
Oolong tea

Snack:
Green tea

Lunch:
Salad (dry) - 18 calories
Milk (1 c.) - 100 calories
Green tea

Snack:
Coffee

Supper:
Salad (dry) with one egg - 88 calories
Frozen meal - I think it's about 320-40 calories. My entire family is around right now, so I don't want to go check. ^^; In the day's total, I'll just go with the high estimate.
Lemon herb tea

Snack:
Peppermint herb tea
Grapefruit - 100 calories

Total : 746 calories

I think my mom and I are going to the store tomorrow, because literally my only safe choices are salads. Boring, boring, boring.
I've decided that if I stay under the limit for a day, I can take the calories saved and put them in like a 'calorie bank', to be spent like, add a little to this day, or if there's something coming up (like Friday's sleepover) I can save my calories for that. Cheating slightly? Yes. But I'm just throwing myself a bone or two so I'll keep this up. The only thing I CAN'T do with this calorie bank is use it during a fast. The fasts MUST be taken. I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to carry this through the entire 93 days, or if I'm just going to go for a certain point and then if I don't eat the calories during the day, they're gone. But for now... XD

Stay strong! xoxo

2010-01-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

So today is going quite well. :D

I had my breakfast as planned, and at lunch, I did eat the high-cal stuff (Boo) but then couldn't finish my salad, so that shaved a few cals off. I'm headed for youth group in about 20-30 minutes, so I'll probably have my supper at around 8-9ish, which will definitely be a good thing, as that's hitting me about when I start feeling like I want to binge. I've also saved up my 'snack' tea from this morning, so I'll have that + tonight's 'snack' if I need it.

Of course, this is a 1000+ calorie day, so that's probably why I'm not having much trouble with it. I guess we'll see if my willpower holds in the next few days.

I'm having a sleepover with some friends on Friday, which lands on a 1000 calorie day. Likely going to be major snacking going on, so I'm probably going to save 200-300 extra calories from Thursday, and then fast until the sleepover so I can make sure to not go over. I'm not sure what kind of snacks we're having, but I'm pretty sure I can keep myself under control. ^^

Stay lovely xoxo

Musings, diets and weight goals.

2010-01-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

So today, I was reading through the list of blogs I follow, which is sadly neglected.

I think this whole side of my life has been neglected lately. It's pretty obvious, since I've been eating like crazy lately. I've slacked off on this side of things, and that is almost unforgivable to me. It's just sheer, crazy luck that I've managed to remain between 137 and 139--as far as I know, I haven't gone above 139, which I count as a minor victory, though perhaps it's not a victory so much as it's a mercy given to me. But that's really not the point, is it? The point is, it has to stop. Now.

You've probably all lost faith in me--I know I've lost faith in myself. I haven't offered anything except hollow promises and too many starting-overs to count. This falling away has been the worse, it's lasted far too long already.

I think my main problem has been in my starting-overs. I've just said 'There, I'm starting over.' and then I don't have a plan. I'm lost. I just kind of float around not paying attention to what I eat, to what I do. So this time, I do have a diet plan.

Today, I read about a diet called the Staircase diet. It starts out ridiculously high (1300 calories), steps down to 0, then steps back up ridiculously high (1250). Well, I didn't want to end so high... so I modified it. I tacked some on the end, stepping down to 500. It still didn't feel complete... so I added the ABC diet to the end of it. It's come out to a diet that'll last 93 days, which, as you know, is about three months. I'm extremely nervous, but also extremely excited because of all the calorie glory I'll get to wallow in for the first couple of days--as if I haven't already been wallowing in just as much or more! So I decided to count today as day one. I think I've had more than the limit, because I had to go out to dinner with my family today, but I'm still going to call it, just to get the highest day out of the way. This is the entire thing, btw:

1. 1300 calories
2. 1200 calories
3. 1100 calories
4. 1000 calories
5. 900 calories
6. 800 calories
7. 700 calories
8. 600 calories
9. 500 calories
10. 400 calories
11. 300 calories
12. 200 calories
13. 100 calories
14. Fast
15. 100 calories
16. 200 calories
17. 300 calories
18. 350 calories
19. 400 calories
20. 450 calories
21. 500 calories
22. 550 calories
23. 600 calories
24. 650 calories
25. 700 calories
26. 750 calories
27. 800 calories
28. 850 calories
29. 900 calories
30. 950 calories
31. 1000 calories
32. 1050 calories
33. 1100 calories
34. 1150 calories
35. 1200 calories
36. 1250 calories
(This is what I added)
37. 1100 calories
38. 1000 calories
39. 900 calories
40. 800 calories
41. 700 calories
42. 600 calories
43. 500 calories
(And this is where ABC starts)
44. 500 calories
45. 500 calories
46. 300 calories
47. 400 calories
48. 100 calories
49. 200 calories
50. 300 calories
51. 400 calories
52. 500 calories
53. Fast
54. 150 calories
55. 200 calories
56. 400 calories
57. 350 calories
58. 250 calories
59. 200 calories
60. Fast
61. 200 calories
62. 100 calories
63. Fast
64. 300 calories
65. 250 calories
66. 200 calories
67. 150 calories
68. 100 calories
69. 50 calories
70. 100 calories
71. 200 calories
72. 200 calories
73. 300 calories
74. 800
75. Fast
76. 250 calories
77. 350 calories
78. 450 calories
79. Fast
80. 500 calories
81. 450 calories
82. 400 calories
83. 350 calories
84. 300 calories
85. 250 calories
86. 200 calories
87. 200 calories
88. 250 calories
89. 200 calories
90. 300 calories
91. 200 calories
92. 150 calories
93. Fast

I might throw in a few extra fasts as I go along, but right now, it's daunting as it is, so I'm not going to mess with it.

So, to stick with my new plan, I'm going to start making meal plans for the next day, plus writing down what I actually do eat. Now, like I said, I don't have a tally for today, but whatever, I'm still calling it.

Tomorrow is 1200 calories, and this is my plan: (Side note: My teas are 0-cal since I don't use real sugar. I do use creamer and stuff in my coffee, but it's like my little treat, so I don't count those calories. Other liquid calories are noted.)

Breakfast:
Grapefruit - 100 calories
Coffee
Green tea
Supplements

Snack:

Vanilla chai tea

Lunch:
Salad w/ dressing - 28 calories
Leftovers - (High est.) 400 calories
One slice of bread - 70 calories
Milk (1 c.) - 100 calories
Green tea

Snack:
Sprite Zero

Supper:
Salad w/ dressing - 28 calories
Frozen meal - 290 calories
Milk (1 c.) - 100 calories
Oolong tea

Snack:
French vanilla black tea

Total for the day: 1115

Wish me luck with this!

Stay strong (unlike me) xoxo

Hey, you!

2010-01-26T09:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, you! There! With the face!

Leave me a link to your blog and I'll check it out. :P

Square One

2010-01-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

Since my last post, I've been attempting to fast. Note the attempting part of that. I've been failing miserably. Binged on pizza a couple days ago, but other than that, it's just been the sort of thing 'a little bit here, a little bit there'... you guys know how it is.

Anyway, I am back down to 135 as of this morning, so a victory dance for that, but I'm not sure I trust it, because it basically came out of nowhere. So I guess we'll just see about that in the next few days. I'm... umm... vaguely optimistic? I guess. XD

Ok, now as I said, I've been trying to fast, but it's not been working, so it's made me realize something. Now this is probably old news to y'all, but I'm just the dumb little newbie, so bear with me. I realized that after eating like a lardass, you can't expect to just jump straight back into the swing of things. I mean, that's just unrealisitc. Your body's gotten readjusted to eating... 'fatly', I guess, so it's not going to take kindly to eating 'skinnily'. Those aren't real words, but whatever. XD But anyway, I've decided to start just restricting again. I've set myself a limit of 500-600 calories a day, which is enough to get my body readjusted to low limits, but still low enough to let me keep losing.

I've also got a few rules for myself. No adding salt, and I have to add hot peppers to everything I eat to kick up my metabolism. And one rule that's very important to keep myself motivated is... I can't punish/yell at myself for eating something 'bad' as long as I'm still under the limit. I have a bad habit of doing that and then binging out because I just think "Screw it, I ate something bad anyways", but I'm not doing that anymore.

Also, I am... mildly annoyed. I've been thinking I'm 5'4" for a while, but I had my mom measure me last night to make sure. I'm like 5'-freaking-3.5". Which means, at my high weight, I was actually freaking OBESE. I know it's only half an inch, but the shorter you are, the more your freaking weight shows. ._. And I know y'all are going to tell me to stop freaking out, because I've been this short all this time, but now I KNOW about it, ok?! XD

In other news, at my high weight, the widest part of my stomach was 41 inches. It is now about 34.5-35. So I was kind of excited about that. I want to lose at least 5 more inches. : P
And I read somewhere that doing crunches and stuff actually makes your stomach look BIGGER. I mean, if you do them all the time and stuff. So I think I'm going to do about 10-20 twice a week, instead of about 10 every day like I've been doing. o_o I mean, I know it's just muscle under the fat, but still. I want to look SMALLER, not BIGGER. XD

Stay strong, stay beautiful xoxo

Disgusting me.

2010-01-12T22:09:00.001-08:00

I... cannot stand myself.

I keep saying "I'mma do better. I'mma do it this time. I'll stop eating fatassery, I'll start exercising, I'm gonna be skinny!" and yet it NEVER happens. I weighed myself right before my shower. 139. I'm not going to cross to 140 again.

No more promises. I'm going to prove myself through actions, not through how many pretty little promises I can make.

I'm going to be 125 by the end of February. I'm going to stop being fat.

It ends here.

Comments fixed, hopefully...

2010-01-06T10:29:00.000-08:00

Yeah... I was just looking at my blog, and noticed I hadn't gotten any comments, so I was wondering why... and realized something was wonky and it wasn't allowing y'all to comment for some reason. So I ran away to Google, and it seems to be fixed. Please excuse my dumbness. XD xoxo

2010-01-06T09:40:00.000-08:00

Why hello there, my beautiful, beautiful homegirls!

Now I really don't know why I just called you 'homegirls', but heck, it works. ;P I hope you're all having a bright, sparkly 2010, full of 10-lbs-in-one-day weight loss!

Ok, ok, I know that's not likely, and I myself am just waiting for the discovery of a way you can make someone ELSE exercise and get the benefits from it. Because I would so do that. TT__TT But I'm still hoping you girls (And guys, if there are any reading) are having a good year for weight loss. This is the year! This is it! We're all gonna reach our goals and be skinny-minnies and be gorgeous sexbombs!

Yaaay, pep talks! :3

So yeah, I've not been exercising like I should. I've been doing a bit of arm work, to try and get these flabby beasts under control. I do about 10 pushups at night (Not real pushups... too much of a wuss still. I do them against the wall...), and then 20 sometime during the day. Today I'm planning on two sets of 20 during the day and then the ten at night, bringing my total up to 50. Plus, I do that dancing thing someone told me about a few months ago. Just keep mah arms over my head and dance around. I do one full song, then give myself maybe a minute break, then do another song, then one more break, and then one last song, for a total of three. It's pretty fun, but my arms always feel like jello afterwards. ._. I need to start doing so much more to get myself back down to 132.

I'm about 138 right now and it makes me feel like an obese fat cow. If I break 140, I'm going to throw something. Literally. I'm going to pitch the hugest fit of my life and then fast forever.

Well, maybe not forever. I mean, that's kind of reaching. But if I could, I totally would.

Anyway, I'm fasting today. I went to the store and stocked up on all my safe choices (Lots of salad stuff... plus cherries and strawberries and grapefruit <3), so I'm all set if I just HAVE to eat something. Which I'm not going to let happen. The last time I fasted was December 14, when my boyfriend broke up with me. It was on a Monday, and I lasted until Friday afternoon, when I only stopped because I was in a car with my family on my way to my grandparents'. I was bored so I started eating (I was 132.... WHYYYYYY?! TT__TT), and that's when the dam broke. Been eating like a lardass ever since. But today that ends.

It was supposed to end... day before yesterday, I think, but I was over at my friend's house and we were being all hyper so by the time I got back home I was RAVENOUS. I could have chosen that point to say "I'm stronger than this" but I didn't. Pasta and a meatloaf sandwich. And then yesterday, I was all "Oh, geez... I crave food... I'll EAT!!!!" and so I ate. But today my willpower returns. I'm not going to let this get the best of me! 2010 is going to be MY year to reach all my dreams and goals! And now I could go off on a huge rant about that one, but I'll save that for later. ;P

I will, however, rant on the injustice of how my ex-boyfriend (I'll call him R instead of 'exboyfriend' from now on. Makes it easier.) is dating some beautiful girl. Like 10x as pretty as me. He broke up with me so he could immediately go for her. So yeah, I looked her up on Facebook (And I know it's her because I took careful note of the fact we have mutual friends), and... dammit, I hate to say it, but she's a skinny bitch and gorgeous. I literally sat there staring at my computer screen, completely stunned. Like... 'How can he do this to me?' I was pretty devastated, but now I'm bouncing back. I still have my rough days, but I'm slowly getting there. I'm going to lose these last 30 pounds and I'm going to be stunning.

Oh, and guess what. I'm turning 17 in September, and possibly graduating by the beginning of this summer (I'm homeschooled and working on a self-paced online high school). So I asked my mom "Hey, as a graduation/birthday present... could I get together a few friends and drive up to Maine and then work our way across the country to California?" She... is for it. I've been all 'holy shit' ever since. That was my 'reaching' request. My actual request was going to be going down to the Gulf of Mexico (I'm from Texas. :3) or something, but holy shitshitshit I might actually be able to drive cross-country with my friends! HOLY SHIT WAFFLE-MUFFINS.

Only thing is, I now have to figure out exactly how much this is going to cost and how long it's going to take so that I can actually start asking my friends to go with me. HOLY SHIT. XD! And then I have to decide which friends to take. Because if we take my mom's SUV, I COULD take four, but it would be better to only take three, so that the backseaters aren't cramped to hell. XD But then if we got my dad's van fixed so that it... would actually run without the driver and passengers fearing it's going to fall apart after just backing out of the driveway, I could take five, which would be my closest friends. If I mention them again, I'll just refer to them as S, J, MP, MI, and A. XD But yes, I am totally excited, and I'm making plans to stop along the way to possibly meet my online-friends. Which means I need to be a skinnyskinnySKINNY bitch by that point. AHHHH.

I'm shooting for 110 lbs by July 4. That's 28 pounds I need to lose in 179 days, which is about 25 1/2 weeks. If I've done my math right, that's about a pound a week. Ridiculously easy, mi'ladies. :3 I could even get down to 102 (Which was my original goal when I first started out on my weight loss), if I wanted! And I might. I'm going to go ahead and shoot for a 2 lbs loss per week, which puts me ahead of my schedule, which means I'll hit 110 in time to know if I need to go ahead and lose ten more pounds. : P Because if my friends and I stop at any water bodies, I'm going to ROCK a bikini. Because when we get to Cali, I know for a fact we're all going to want to hang on the beach, and I'm not going to let all the stereotypical blonde-tan-beautiful California chicks and dudes(!!!) put me to shame!

Oh, and btw, I used to date this guy that's four years older than me, and he lives in California. I need a vote here: Should I go and see him while we're in Cali? He's still pretty clingy on me and wants to get back together, but I'm not so into that. I just want to be friends. I've made that crystal-clear to him, and he's ok with that, but he still says he wants more, he's just not going to push it. And I don't mean 'wants more' as in 'wants sex'. Neither one of us is into statutory rape. XD I'm thinking I'd be pretty safe around him, because he's a pretty good guy, but I thought I'd shoot that out to you guys and see what y'all think. : P

Anyways, I love you all, but I'm going to end this long-ass post now.

Stay strong, starve on xoxox

._.

2010-01-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry, I keep taking breaks and I feel like a dog because of it. ._.

Ok, so my weight is somewhere in the ballpark of 137. Again. This is not my happy face. I've been eating like a lardass lately, and I know I should say "It stops NOW! D<" but there's absolutely nothing in the house that's safe, and my stomach is all RARRRRRG. Now I know you're thinking "Come on, woman! Willpower!", but the cravings of a Bre on her period are not to be fucked with. Trust me, I know me quite well. If I don't eat a small supper at least, I'm going to be binging out all night. =_=; So I'm eating something small tonight, and my mom is off tomorrow, so I'm going to force her to either take me to the store or let me take myself. I need my safe choices, god dammit!

Btw, you know you're at least a bit fucked up in the head when you frantically search the bread aisles searching for something 'safe', and then bust out a happy dance when you find a loaf that's only 60 cals a slice. I did that a couple days ago. XD (And I would have replenished my other safe choices, but didn't realize how close I was to being out. =_=;)

The photos, by the way, are me. I made the skirt myself. : P I cut it from a much, much longer one and sewed the waisband by hand. It's a drawstring, so it'll still fit when I'm skinny. Hopefully by spring break. DX

Anyways, I hope everybody is having a good 2010 so far. I love you guys for putting up with me and my inconsistent posting. I promise, at LEAST once a week from now on. I'll try to post more, but sometimes I just don't have much to say except cursing myself and my appetite.

Stay strong, and send wishes my way for my own strength to return. xoxo

I'm back again...

2009-12-27T10:54:00.000-08:00

Unintended break there. I'm sorry about that. ^^;

I just needed some time to get my head back on straight after the whole breakup thing. I lasted about five days without food. I got down to 132, but then I started eating again, mostly because we went to my grandparents' that weekend. I don't know my weight anymore, because I just haven't really had the will or heart to get on the scale again after that.

So I've been eating. Not a lot, but I've been eating a bit. And exercising some too. I try to make what I do eat as nutritious and low-cal as possible. I'm planning to weigh in on Wednesday, but not touching the scale until then, just so I won't be disappointed.

Anyway, about the trip to my grandparents'... I didn't reach my goal, but I did lose a lot of weight. Everybody was definitely impressed, and that made me feel good.

In fact, when I saw all my old friends, I also saw one of my brother's friends, who I've had a crush on FOREVER. I'll call him 'J'. Usually whenever we'd see each other around, we'd just either wave/nod or when we did talk it was just "Hi" "Hey." or something like that. But this time, we actually had a conversation. And I think he was flirting a bit, which made me giddy. I need to work on my flirting skills, because currently I just blush and babble. XD! I don't even know if he recognized me, because he never even mentioned my brother. o_O But yeah, he said my accent was cute. I've always hated it, but hey, everybody else seems to love it, so whatever. XD

But anyway, that made me notice something. Guys check me out now. They never really did that when I was fat. It confuses me. I mean, I am by no means skinny yet, but they were still checking me out. How can they do that? I kept thinking about it, and somehow, it made me realize something. I realized... I am a woman. I know, that sounds weird. But I've spent the last several years thinking of myself as only 'fat' and 'worthless'. Nothing more. Just a little girl who couldn't be anything. Would never amount to anything. But now I've seen myself as 'woman', too, and with all the power that word brings. And when I realized that, something shifted. I don't know what or how, but something changed. Maybe the cosmos aligned, or maybe a forgotten wish upon a star came true. I don't know what happened, but it did happen, and it almost scares me.

I mean, I just feel so powerful, so utterly feminine. Like with just one well-placed wink or word, I could make a man promise me the world. I am a woman, and that knowledge, the power that word holds... it's frightening, but strangely exhilarating.

I've been looking for opportunities to try out this new 'power', but in all honesty, I just don't quite know how. I know I can be so much more, but something within me just wants to keep hiding behind the innocence of the little girl I once was. But I've seen this power used. I've even uncovered a bit of it myself. It's frightening, standing on the precipice of everything I could be, and yet not trusting myself and my instincts enough to take the plunge that could lead me to glory.

The Heartbreak Diet

2009-12-16T11:11:00.001-08:00

My boyfriend broke up with me on Monday for someone else.

I haven't eaten since. I'm hungry, but I just can't bring myself to eat. 7:00 Monday evening was my last meal. I just... I don't know. I'm happy about the fasting, but not happy about the breakup. God. What's wrong with me? I mean, I've always known I'm just nothing. Worthless. Not enough to hold anybody. I just... I don't know.

134 and still dropping.

I almost see bones!!!

2009-12-10T16:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am really really excited. My ribs are less than half an inch from making their first appearance. Right now, it's kind of weird. It's like... I can see them, but I can't see them. Where they're closest to the surface, I can just baaaaarely see a little bit. And when I move, it's like I can just barely see something moving under the surface of my skin. If you know what I mean. XD I mean, they are totally on the verge of appearing, and I am SO excited. I can't wait until they've fully appeared. XD

My hipbones are maybe an inch away. I always thought hipbones were supposed to show first, though? Maybe my idea of anatomy is screwed up. XD But yeah, I could not be more excited. I mean, I'm getting sick of only having collarbones--though collarbones are awesome. XD

So I heard about this grapefruit thing, reading SophiaRuins' blog archives. So I've been attempting to get myself to eat one grapefruit a day. So I cut it into eighths and have one piece every other hour (I think I've said this before, I can't remember. XD). So anyway, today I've done excellently for the first time. ^^ So far, eaten nothing but my grapefruit pieces. I just skipped one, so I don't know how that's going to go over, but I'm just basically testing myself. So I get to have another one at 8:30.

I'm so happy with myself today. Practically euphoric. ^^ Maybe this is a new beginning for me. A new start. A skinny start. ^^

Maybe there IS a god...?

2009-12-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, wow, so last night I was all "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE!!!!"

But today, my mother has pleasantly surprised me. After my panic over going early, she checked her schedule for work again, and now we're going on the 19th. That's two whole days more than I would have had if we had stuck to the original plan and gone on the 17th. Honestly, I have never loved my mom more than I do at this moment. Sometimes she just doesn't get it, but sometimes she really surprises me and shows me just how much she does understand my crazy ways. I don't think she would understand if I told her about this blog or anything, but she understands my extremely low self-esteem, and does a lot to help me lose weight. Even though she thinks I'm 'skinny'. Er... no.

So today, we had one grapefruit left. I cut it up into eighths and am going to have one every two hours. I have roughly an hour left until my next one, but I'm pretty ok. Of course, that could be the fact I had about 40-50 cals of junk about forty minutes ago, but hey. I'm not going to throw the day away like I usually do. Usually if I eat something bad or go off my plan, I just say "Well hell, the day is screwed now anyway, so I might as well eat EVERYTHING!". But y'know, I'm not going to do that today. I'm stronger than that, and I damn well know it.

This morning I woke up at 137. I have been hanging out at 139-140, because my willpower and self-control went to shit, but hey, 137 is an extremely pleasant surprise. Of course, I just went back and weighed again and it's 139, but I'm just going to keep clinging to 137. I'm in a bit of an optimistic mood today, which I'm hoping won't screw me over by making me believe in miracles. Like "Oh, if I eat thirty-four pizzas and ten cheeseburgers, I won't gain weight. In fact, I'll lose! :D" Of course, it's optimism. Not stupidity. There IS a difference. XD

So since hearing jumping jacks burn one calorie per jack, I've been planning on doing 200 a day, slowly building up to 500-1000. Not all at once, mind you. Spread out. XD! Of course, if they're all at once, that would just be awesome, but... I don't think I'm quite there yet. XD So yeah, I'm working on that. Plus, for the past five days I've been walking two miles a day. It's not much, but at least I'm finally getting myself out and getting a bit of exercise done.

A few days ago (Can't remember when, exactly...) I said I was giving up coffee for a week. Er... I'm thinking about running in the kitchen and making myself some. XD I want some so bad, but I just... nyeh. I want to be good. D: But coffee always makes me less hungry, so... I dunno. D: Trying to decide if it's worth finishing my coffee-less challenge or drinking some and perhaps not having the urge to eat as much.

Eh, I'll just go for it. XD I've done well for several days now, and that's good enough. XD

So yeah, I noticed I've got a few new followers again. If I don't follow any of you guys, leave me a link to your blogs and I'll go follow you. Like I've said before, I don't comment a lot, but I do always read. Plus, I'm trying to get a little better at the not-commenting thing. ^^

Emergency fast--effective IMMEDIATELY

2009-12-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

My mom has just sprung on me that we might be going to my grandparents' house THIS WEEKEND.

I can't. I'm fat. I'm horribly, horribly fat, I can't go and see them, see my friends. I'm fatfatfatfat!!!!!

So I'm fasting. Completely. I might or might not have my rice cakes. I might just go on water alone. I'm panicking! I'm completely panicking. I have to exercise like crazy, stop eating. STOP EATING, YOU FAT COW!!!!

I literally panicked the moment my mom told me. I can't do this. I can't lose enough by this weekend! What am I going to do?!

Fuck you, how do you like me NOW?!

2009-12-06T16:24:00.000-08:00

My dad is a douchebag fuckface when it comes to weight. He's the type that can stay skinny as hell, even when he eats like crap. Unfortunately, I took the 'fat' genes from each side of the family. The females on my dad's side of the family are short, with short, chunky legs and short, stubby fingers. On my mom's side of the family, they're basically the same. So surprise, surprise, I got that too. Fortunately, my fingers aren't extremely short and stubby, but they're not long and graceful, either. However, my legs ARE short and chunky. But I digress.

So I've been adhereing to my two rice cake a day diet (yesterday and most of today), and nobody's noticed yet. But just a few minutes ago, my head was hurting and I was shaking, so I went and got a piece of bread with a little bit of jelly on it. Well, my dad glances at it and is like "Why the hell are you eating when I'm making supper in two hours?" and I'm like "...It's just half a sandwich... I've hardly eaten anything all day..." and he's like "So you're just going to undo all the weight you've lost in the past few months?" Ok, so that pissed me off. I wanted SO bad to tell him to go screw himself. But no, I'm going to do something better. I'm going to finish my half a sandwich and then redouble my willpower. I'm not going to eat supper tonight or any other night. Once I'm thin and frail that fucktard will be BEGGING me to eat, and I'll just throw it back in his face like "Oh, and undo all my hard work of the past few months? Sorry, don't think so."

So fuck you, take THAT!

Questions, answers, and the woes of yakking. ._.

2009-12-05T10:44:00.001-08:00

I just had a very weird experience.

I woke up, I ate my fourth of rice cake, took my multis and then sat down to work on my novel. Well, I haven't brought myself completely out of binge-mode yet (How could I? It's only been a couple of days...), and I was craving scrambled eggs on toast like you wouldn't believe. So I held out for a while, sipped on my ice water (I decided to give up coffee and tea for a week), but finally I just couldn't take it. I figured one slice of bread (100) and an egg (70) wouldn't really hurt much--I could just cut out the rest of my rice cake pieces, right? ... Right? Of course! Now let me go stuff my face!

So I made it and ate it and immediately felt nauseous. I was like 'Ok, it'll pass... wow, that's uncomfortable...' but then, I knew that if I didn't get to the restroom RIGHT NOW, I was going to hurl all over my keyboard. So I went and I yakked. And as a word of caution, please refrain from yakking after taking a cayenne supplement. .____. It just made the whole experience that much more unenjoyable. I mean, besides the fact the bread was in a lumpy mess. .__.

But anyway, that's totally weird, because nothing like that's ever happened before. I'm semi-grateful, because I think I got up at least 75-90% of the bread and eggs, and they hadn't really had time to settle at all, so I shouldn't have gotten many calories from the part I did get up.

I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something or if it's linked to the fact I took too many fiber supplements. (It said to take two, and I took... four, I think. Stupid, I know.) But whatever it is, it's weird, it's over, and let's hope it doesn't happen again. I like my teeth and don't want to puke them out.

As for the Q&A I offered yesterday, only Africana asked me anything. :3 So just in case y'all didn't see it yesterday, the offer still stands. :P

"I have a question! What motivates you? How would you define your goal? And what is something about you that no one knows?

Okay, that was questions but still...I love when people share. :)"

Hmm... I think most of my motivation comes from the fact I've been 'overweight' for as long as I can remember. I can't even remember when I was actually in the 'normal' BMI range. So now all I want is to remember a good, long stretch in the low-normal/high-underweight range. Another one of my motivators is my boyfriend. We've never actually met in-person, though we're planning on something this spring. I don't want him to see me like this--I can't. So that gives me gigantic motivation whenever I think about it.
As for my goal, I just define it as a place I can finally look in the mirror and smile. A place I can feel happy and confident--where I can stop hiding behind baggy t-shirts and baggy jeans. Honestly, I really don't know where that place will be, exactly. I'll definitely know it when it comes, though.
Something about me nobody knows... now if I told you, somebody would know, yes? ;P Kidding... er.... well, one thing that only like one or two people know or suspect is I'm actually an extremely sensitive person. I kind of try to act like I don't care what people say about me, and I don't really need anybody to like/love me, but actually I do care--a lot. It's not that huge of a secret, but hey, whatever. XD

Until next time, ladies!

2009-12-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

I'm so out of the swing of things.

It's like my little binge weeks and what-not have completely destroyed any self-control I might have possibly been gaining.

When I told you guys I was going to fast, I did fast. For a day, and then I started eating again. I'm currently up to 138. Thirteen days left until we go see my grandparents. I've given up my plans for 125, and am hoping for 130 at best, but it's most likely going to wind up as about 133-135. IF I can get myself back under control.

So my new diet? Two rice cakes a day. Cut into fourths, so that's eight little pieces I can have. And at 35 calories each, that's 70 calories per day. And I've started my vitamins again. Usually, getting back on those lets me lose and keep off maybe a pound or two. I don't know what it is, but it works so I'm not going to question it. Much. :P

How do you ladies get yourselves back on track? Just an iron will? Or is there a way you ease yourself back into things?

Also, sometimes I feel like I'm kind of... cold and impersonal here on my blog. I mean, you guys are great to follow it, even though you don't know a thing about me.
So to remedy this situation, ask me any question you want. Anything at all, and I'll answer all the questions in my next blog post. XD Ought to be interesting. :P

Oh, and if you follow me, and I don't follow you, leave me a link to your blog, and I'll go check it out, and more than likely follow you back. ^^ I don't comment much, but I do sometimes. But I do always read. :P

2009-11-30T09:35:00.000-08:00

FML.

I didn't get to fast completely yesterday. I screwed it up.

See, someone forgot to inform me that we were going to a relative's house for dinner. So when we got there, it was a steak dinner. I was just sitting there thinking "Wtf, you bitches." So we all gathered around the table, and first I cut my steak into itty bitty pieces. Then I took a sip of water. And then I began. I chewed each tiny bite thirty times, and after three bites took a sip of water. I was slow, and thought about each bite as I put it into my mouth. I figured "Hey, if I eat slow enough, maybe they'll be done before I even have a fourth of this bastard!" But no. Even though I kept going slow, it's like something in my brain shut down. So the final tally was half a steak, a large baked potato (With only butter, thank god--they had cheese and bacon bits and all that other ungodly stuff, but I resisted.) and two slices of bread. No dessert, thank the lord. I was PISSED at myself, so I forced myself to mostly stand for the rest of the time we were there.

And then we came home. The electricity was out, because of a storm. Well ok, that's all well and good. So we sat around with lanterns and stuff, just talking. By the time everyone else went to bed, I wasn't even sleepy. So I read for a while, prowled around the house, and somehow wound up in the kitchen. Crackers, ham and cheese. I don't even know what I was thinking.

So my fast starts AGAIN today. I'm currently working on my first cup of coffee, planning on having another one later, plus a lot of hot tea and water. I've also already brushed my teeth twice, because I was thinking about eating, so I figured I'd try that little trick.

I'm going to make it this time. I've got to. It's only eighteen days before we leave, and I HAVE to lose weight. I have to.

2009-11-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm fasting today, plus maybe tomorrow and the next day. It's like a little test for myself, just so I can see exactly how long I can hold out. It should be interesting, anyway.

2009-11-25T10:23:00.001-08:00

I slept last night.

You have no idea how giddy that makes me feel. :D Because now I'm fairly certain I won't wander into the kitchen in a half-asleep stupor and inhale everything in sight. <_<

Though I am kind of pissed because my weight did some kind of odd rebound shit, so I'm back at 137. I have a feeling it's because I stopped exercising as soon as I hit 135. Like "Ok, ok, ENOUGH already! I deserve me a break!" Nooooo, Bre, you don't deserve a break, dear. Fatasses don't deserve a rest. All you deserve is exercising MORE. So I guess that's what I'm gonna do.

So I've got myself into a new plan. OMG, we've all heard this one before. But I swear, I'm going to keep myself on it if it kills me. See, my mom has a lot of weight to lose too (She's my height and like 170-180 or something. o_o) so she decided we would start a new plan together. I was a biiiiit hesitant before she told me about it, because she's a nurse and a huge advocate of 'healthy eating' and '1200 calories a day is a weight-loss plan'! But when she started telling me about it, I was like "Dude, I can cut out this... and this... and here, too! HAHAHA!"

See, her plan was a portion-control sort of thing. To force us to keep correct portions, we got those microwaveable dinners. And then she was planning on like, veggie stir-fries, salads and stuff. Plus for snacks, she got like cereal and stuff. So when we went to get the dinners, I gave myself a strict limit of 350 calories per dinner. I managed to keep it at about 320 and under--most came in at about 260-280! And then I decided I'd cut out pretty much everything but the dinners, a salad and a half-portion of cereal (Which, with the kind I got is about 60 cals, sans milk). So that's going to keep me probably under 500 calories a day. Thing is, we forgot to get the salad stuff, so even though salads are low-cal when made the right way, I still don't have to worry about those few extra calories. *smirks* I just REALLY started that today (Shrimp alfredo--260 calories!!) and I'm going to forget the cereal until like 8:00-10:00 tonight, because that's when I seem to go into 'IMMA BINGE!' mode. =_=; I'm going to make this work, guys. It's gonna work.

As for the exercise, I went through a bunch of magazines I had piled up, mostly those magazines that promise THIRTY POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS WITH THIS ALL-NEW DIET PLAN!!!!!! but they usually have good exercises, so I cut out a bunch of the exercises and stored them in a binder. So now I have a go-to place when I just want an exercise to do. Plus, I walk or run a bit every day. And yesterday, I discovered an awesome way to exercise even more. See, I own a horse, and yesterday, I jumped up on her bareback, and ladies, if that doesn't make your legs work, nothing will. XD Plus, it works on balance and stuff, and it's just damn fun too! So I'm fairly confident I'm at least doing enough to maintain. All I have to do is step it up and I'll get back on the loss train.

December 17th is coming up fast! I'm hopinghopinghoping I can be at 125 by then. I don't think I'm going to make 120, but I can try. I'm just keeping it in the back of my head, though, because I don't want to discourage myself. I'm about 65% certain I can hit 125, though.

Who fails? I do! : D

2009-11-23T12:16:00.001-08:00

It's taken me this freaking long to lose seven lousy pounds? I faiiiiil. D: But at least I lost it and I'm back in the saddle agaiiiiin. And I hope you guys caught that little joke, or I'll just fail at life in general. XD http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6dx8AfTmQk

But anyway, yes, 135 and I still have the urge to smash my mirror. :D It keeps showing me this huge fat girl. Even though I still have fat all over my stomach, it's weird because I have a little bit of definition down the sides, and a little dent beside my hipbone--which gives me hope that my hipbones might actually start sticking out within the next 5-10 lbs.

A couple days ago, I was walking through the woods, and just started running for the heck of it. Let me tell you, if you start running, then lose about 25-30 lbs and then try running again... god, there's nothing like it. I felt like I was FLYING. It was amazing, and I need to go do it again.

By the way, I am soooo sorry if I'm rambling majorly right now. I haven't slept in the past three nights. Fricking insomnia. x_-;

I can't really think of everything else I was going to say. I'll probably think of it by tomorrow, though. XD

It's been a bad few days...

2009-11-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

I've been binging like crazy these past few days.

I'm guessing it's because that 'time of the month' is coming up. But that's really no excuse.

I don't even know what I weigh right now. I haven't even had the heart to step on the scales.

Anyway, I have a date for the trip to my grandparents'. I think my mom said either the 17th or the 14th of next month. That gives me plenty of time. I want to be at least 125 by then--120 if I can manage it. However, I won't be able to manage anything but 200 unless I get myself UNDER CONTROL.

So I'm leaving until I get down to 135. If by some miracle I'm already 135 (remind me... HOW am I still an optimist?), I'm staying away until I'm 130.

Also, I'm going completely raw veggies only for three days, and then attempting a week on the Master Cleanse. I told my mom about it--all wide-eyed and 'OMG, I just want to lose, like, five more pounds--I think I'll be at a happy place there'--and she was all "Ok... if you want to... but only for three days, and you have to eat something if you start feeling weird." HAHAHAHA as if. I'm making one modification, though: no salt water flush. I know, I know, it's supposed to be really good... but I've heard it's also really easy to poison yourself with it. I'm kind of leery of it, so I'll be sticking with just my 'Premium Chinese (Or is it Japanese...?) Slimming Tea'. Delicious--no, really, it is. XD

So yeah, I'll see you guys later--probably on the other side of the Cleanse... oh, lord, let it work...

Stay strong, starve on. xoxo

2009-11-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I cannot take myself seriously anymore. Any time I plan on fasting, I always think "Maybe I can just have ____... just so my metabolism doesn't shut down? :D" so today I've had two salads--one fatass salad (with cheese, dressing ((At least it was italian...16 cals in the serving I had)), and steak chunks) and one completely dry, veggie only--and a bologna sandwich... on WHITE bread. And mayo! UGH!

I'm sick and tired of my fatass self being so... food addicted or whatever the hell I am!

So now I'm going to create some rules for myself. And a list of 'never to be eaten again' foods, and a list of 'safe' foods. Tomorrow, I'm keeping myself at 1-2 dry salads. No more fatassery from me. As for tonight... cold shower + no more food. And I'll be sleeping on the floor again and I'll call that part of my 'punishment'.

And yes, I am sleeping on the floor. XD I started cleaning my room yesterday, and as my bed just happened to be a large, flat surface... I sorted all my laundry out on it. Since I didn't get the floor completely clean, I didn't want to put the laundry back down and lost in the shuffle... so I put me in the floor. XD

I never said I was the most logical one of the bunch. =X But for tonight, it'll suit my purposes beautifully.

As for the cold shower, I'm going to start out at body temperature and slowly go until it's so cold I can barely take it, shower as slowly as I can, and then run a bath and stay there for... oh, an hour I guess. I'm going to go start soon so I don't talk myself out of it.

My goal by the end of this week is 130. Who's gonna actually reach her goal this time? I am! :D (Maybe <_<;) And I changed the slider on my weight ticker up there to a turtle a couple days ago--I think it's quite accurate. :P

---

And as for the comments about my dog yesterday, thank you, guys! XD He is an adorable little cuddlebug. :P He goes by many names... but he was originally named Pedro. XD But we mostly call him Peedee. :P

2009-11-07T09:33:00.001-08:00

My boyfriend wants to see me dance like a slut. XDDD

I'm flattered, really, but... that just ain't gonna happen. I have too much wiggle in my walk, if you know what I mean. =_=; Just... rrrrgh. DX

But yes, lolfastfail. I keep doing this. So I'm redoing my plan. Since I seem to have trouble sticking to my fasts, I'm thinking it might be because I'm trying to do too much at once. So I'm going on a fast-eat-fast-eat-fast-eat-eat plan. Three fast days a week should be plenty to start me out. So I'm on an eat day right now, because the plan I just outlined up there starts at Sunday and ends on Saturday. So I'm fasting tomorrow, I guess. >_>; Ten bucks says I don-- fuck me. XD Ok, right, I need my positivity back.

On a positive note, I'm currently blogging without glancing over my shoulder every few seconds and thinking someone's about to come through my mom's bedroom door! : D Or past my chair at all! I usually have my computer in the living room. We have this little stretch of wall between my mom's bedroom door and the fireplace, and that's where my chair is. And it's just far enough away from the wall for someone to see the screen if they come through and look at it. If I was farther back, like right against the wall, I don't think that could be done as well. But as it is, I'm so paranoid I switch screeens anytime I even hear someone BREATHE in my mom's room. XD Which really gets tiring after a while.

So right now I'm sitting in my room (with spotty connectivity! Argh!), because my parents have someone coming over and didn't want my chihuahua attacking--he's been known to bite, plus he's LOUD. XDDDD

This is him. : P I have a better picture... somewhere... but I have no idea where. XD So yes, there's my fat little 8-year-old chihuahua. : P He's so adorable, yes? XDDD

I think that's all for now. So later, ladies! Stay strong! xoxo

Haha, take THAT!

2009-11-06T11:54:00.001-08:00

Back down to my low weight. Stick THAT in your juice box and drink it, rice! x] I was totally expecting some kind of gain from my minibinge, but lo and behold, it was a -2 lbs since I'd last weighed... though I'm not sure that was yesterday... maybe day before? XDDD I dunno. I'm just glad I have one of those scales that keeps your last weight and shows you exactly how much you've lost since then. :P

By the way, am I the only one who finds the song Body Language by Jesse McCartney oddly thinspirational? I dunno... it just makes me suddenly have this drive to be skinny--plus whenever I hear it, I just can't help but dance, or at least tap my foot along. XD Which is why I made a thinspo video to it--the first one on YouTube, actually. o:

Enjoy it--I'm pretty proud of how it turned out. XD

So yes, I am fasting today! And I'm rocking it! I'm not going to allow myself to fail this time.

Stay strong! xoxo

2009-11-05T19:54:00.001-08:00

Rice is officially on the 'demon spawn' list, along with pasta. At least it was brown rice. Fasting tomorrow! IDON'TCAREWHATMYFUCKINGBODYWANTSITWILLNOTHAVEIT!

King of the world

2009-11-05T09:27:00.000-08:00

Haha, Anastasia, I love your idea. XDDD

Or maybe I should make a whole new blog... on a different account, of course... that details every little movement my cats make every day... "Oh, look! He's going to the litter box! Isn't that CUTE?! Now he's turning backflips! And licking his weiner!" Photos included! :D I swear to God, the look on his face would be PRICELESS. XDDDD Of course, then he'd realize I've just completely turned the bend--gone off the deep end, you might say. :D

I have no idea what my brain is doing right now. XD Coffee on a completely empty stomach always seems to make me crazy. XDDD Of course, I have absolutely NO plans to fill this empty stomach, so never fear!

But yus, I think my best bet would be to make a bogus account and a bogus blog. Because he knows me well enough to know my writing style, so I couldn't just hand him any old boring blog I find--I'd have to create it. :P The 'writer' in me is actually looking forward to it!

Ok, now as for food... I'm starting the three-day fast part of my fast-fast-eat-fast-fast-fast-eat program. I am going to cling to not eating with every little piece of me I can muster. I'm NOT going to fail. Last night while I was journaling, I realized I start out everything I do expecting to eventually fail. I figured... maybe it's been like a self-fullfilling prophecy. Maybe if I try going in with the mindset "I'm going to breeze through this", I actually will. It's a thought, anyway. :P

Also part of this new mindset is becoming more organized! I need to go to town, buy some binders and stuff and buy a desk--since I'm homeschooled, I could actually graduate high school by this summer if I knuckle down. I'm only 16, and then I could have about a year and a half to prepare myself for college so I can knock 'em dead. Lately I've just been kind of slacking off on that, but remember this new mindset! I'm going to get 'er done, once and for all.

The pessimist part of me keeps telling me "You know, you're always so gung-ho about stuff when you start it... but then you slack off..." It's going to take some doing to shut that little voice up.

And hopefully, keeping myself busy with everything will keep my mind off food. I'm going to be at least 115 by spring break! Count on that! And I'm also going to be 125 by the end of the month!

Thankfully, my mom has decided to postpone our trip to see my grandparents, but I'm still working under the assumption that we might still go then, so I better lose a lot of weight. I'm also trying to lose the weight because now I don't know WHEN she's planning on going, and she really won't say anything, so I'm trying to lose a bunch of weight so when/if she just suddenly springs on me "Oh, by the way, we're leaving next week" I won't have to panic, because I'll know I'm losing at my maximum capacity. (Wow, run-on sentences are fun. :D) I'm hoping to be at least 12o by the time that happens, though. XD

I'm serious now, ladies. And I'm running full-steam ahead to my goals--nothing's going to ever stand in my way again.

With love,

Me

FML

2009-11-04T17:06:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend is asking for a link to my blog. He doesn't know about my 'food issues', but somehow he knows I have a blog. I'm going to kill my bff if he's the one who told. Because I mistakenly told HIM about it when I first started it. But thankfully never told him what it was about. So right at this very moment I am trying to throw my boyfriend off of my blog.

He says (7:04 PM):
*... *didn't know you had a blog* o__o
Me says (7:04 PM):
*What?
He says (7:05 PM):
*Wasn't told for a reason? xD
(I totally didn't panic at this point and start this post)
Me says (7:06 PM):
*I actually thought I told you. XDDD
He says (7:06 PM):
*... Srsly? xD I don't remember a link, at least
Me says (7:06 PM):
*Nawwww, it's boring. XDDDD
He says (7:07 PM):
*Awwwr, come now xD
Me says (7:07 PM):
*It's really boring. Srsly. XD

And that's as far as it's gotten. I'm still formulating what else I could say once he responds. I mean... what do I say that won't make him suspicious that something's wrong?!

Maybe I just oh-so-slyly change the subject. : D

But still, he knows now. And whate if he brings it up again?

FML. FML. FML!

I feel so inspired~

2009-11-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2009/10/supermodels-who-arent-superthin#slide=1

Inspired to gag!

I mean, why are all these fat women posing semi-nude? WHAT?!

I'm sick of all the "It's ok to be fat, America! LOVE URSELF!!!!" crap. Fa'real. Because then they just turn right around and worship the skinnies. Nobody loves somebody who jiggles like a bowl of jello when they walk.

"All it takes is confidence... pride in who you are... inner beauty! Because beauty is only skin deep. D;" WHAT. A. LOAD. OF. BULL. Nobody gives a crap about your confidence in yourself--I mean, they won't even bother getting to know you unless you're skinny. They just pretend not to see you if you're fat--or befriend you so they look skinnier standing next to you.

My mom is fond of spouting the line "Attraction isn't physical--it's about your personality!" Well if someone's going to be attracted to your personality, they first have to be attracted to your body, right? Because if they're like "Oh my god, look! A walking whale!" they're not going to want to get to know you or your personality, so that point is just kind of... no.

On a different note, I binged last night. =_=; It's like after that damn bowl of pasta, I just threw everything out the window--all bets were off, and my mouth was running for food. Three pumpkin muffins, MORE pasta, plus more pumpkin seeds than I'd planned on. My only saving grace was that I overdid the cayenne pepper on my seeds, so they were spicy as all hell, so hopefully that gave my metabolism a kick up the ass. I didn't weigh myself this morning, and I'm pretty much fasting today. Today was supposed to be an 'eat' day, but I figured I had that yesterday. I'm going to have a salad tonight and that's IT. And then I have three fast days coming up tomorrow--which I'm probably going to ruin, but I'm going to get as far as I can into them. I mean, I finally completed a fast day before yesterday... who's to say I can't do it again? Just a few minutes at a time... plus gum and Sprite Zero. I swear to God, I worship that combo right now.

I also had my vitamins--discovering in the process why they say to take the cayenne pill with food. OW. But (TMI!) it gave me slight diarrhea, so that's a yay(I guess...? XD). They said to take three a day, spaced with your meals... so I have two more times of that. Though my third is going to be with my salad, so it probably won't affect me like that.
I also discovered some fiber pills--they're like 16 cals per two pills, though. They're that 'Fiber Choice' stuff. I figured I'd try them for a few days, too. I mean, fiber is always welcome. XD

Also, I read in SophiaRuins' blog that she tried that 'cold water makes you burn calories' stuff and that it worked. Umm... I tried it, too. XD I didn't make it even ten seconds. I was just standing there, counting slowly, attempting to make it to at LEAST thirty seconds before I leapt away, but I just couldn't hang. ._. Our water comes from a well... and it gets damn COLD out there! XDDD So the water was basically just about 10-20 degrees away from freezing. ._. So then I tried adding in a bit of warm water, just to bring up the temperature slightly so I could actually stand under it and get some results... and I made it thirty seconds. ._. Somehow, I doubt that's really doing anything for me. I'm going to keep trying though, definitely.

I've also discovered a new hobby--dancing like a total slut in the privacy of my bedroom. x] Fun way to burn calories! I'm just glad nobody can see--nobody likes to see a fat girl dance. Especially with all the dips and hip wiggling I do. XD And as Lola recommended a few posts back, I keep those arms above my head--at least every other song, for the entire song--and I feel the burn. I couldn't even pick up my can of diet soda after the first time I did that. XD I was like "...seriously? Am I really this weak? Are my muscles THIS out of tone? SERIOUSLY?!" It's still difficult, and I can't say that it's getting much easier, but hey, it's only been a few days. XD So, Lola, I love you, girl! In a totally platonic way, of course. ;P

I've also gotten into a rhythm of drinking a LOOOOT of water--which means a LOOOOOT of bathroom breaks. And so I had a brilliant idea: I would try doing tricep dips again, from the edge of my bathtub. Surprise: I felt it in my arms instead of my thighs. (Though I still feel it slightly in my thighs... a twofer? : D ) SCORE! So now I do ten tricep dips after every time I use the bathroom. I love being homeschooled, so I can do stupid crap like that. XD
I guess my arms just weren't on a low enough point the first times I tried doing it... Whatever, it's working now, so that's what I care about. XD Been thinking about adding in ten situps to that too. I can do them from my bed, with a pretty flat pillow under my back and head, and still feel the burn, so that's where I'm starting from. I've just gotta build up. x]

I'm going to go ahead and end this really long post now. I love you guys! Stay strong, think thin, etc! xoxo

2009-11-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

I did it. I really did it. I made it through. I made it through a full day and most of a second day fasting. I just finished a bowl of pasta though. Once again, damn pasta. To hell. Etc. I mean, it's just so... delicious. Why are all delicious things so damn terrible?! It's not fair, I tell you! Why can't we make something delicious that's like, 0-cal or something? Well... diet soda is delicious and 0-cal... but when are they gonna make 0-cal pasta/chocolate/pizza or ANYTHING?! DX

I lost a pound this morning. o: I wonder how much I'll have lost tomorrow--I hope it's enough to get me back to 137. I did get up to 139 before my fast and was like "IF I BREAK 140 AGAIN, I WILL TAKE A KNIFE AND CARVE ALL THIS FAT OUT OF MY BODY. -_-;"

God, you have no idea how much I'm craving chocolate. I'll have to get chocolate soy milk next time I go to the store. <_<>_> I've usually been just getting vanilla, because it's only 70 calories per cup, but I'm just going to have to damn the extra 30 calories and have my chocolate. ._. Safest kind I can get, I guess. ._.

So I have a bunch of pumpkin seeds in the fridge right now, along with some fresh pumpkin. I need to do something with them. XD I'm roasting the seeds, just to try them out. But how many calories would that be? o_O I just looked it up (Praise be to Google!) and it says about 2-3 calories per seed. Though it is telling me they're full of protien and fiber... so does that offset the slightly high calorie count? Huh. Maybe. I can probably have a bit if I do wind up roasting them. Not many, but maybe a few.

Stay strong! xoxo

2009-11-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

I'm just taking this day in 15-minute increments. Somehow, it's helping. I just go "Get through this 15 minutes and it'll all be ok. Just get through it." and just thinking that gets me through to the next section of the day without eating.

My fast is going hard, but I'm not eating. I can't afford to.

I did have one moment where I thought I was going to eat something--anything! But I just had this little gut feeling that if I even had something itsy-bitsy, I was going to go back for more... and more... and more. So I was standing in the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, thinking about eating this... or that... or... oh, fuck, I can't! At one point I had a rice cake out of the bag and was going to eat it, but I just looked at it for a second. My stomach was saying "Come on... just eat it... it's only 35 calories, after all--it can't hurt anything! Just eat it!" But I somehow managed to put it back, wrap the bag up neatly and made myself a cup of tea. Oolong is <3. Plus it's supposedly 'slimming'. So whatever. XD Also, I had a teaspoon of worchestershire sauce while I was waiting for the water to heat up. 0 calories, plus it tastes strong enough that it helped me convince my stomach that I didn't need anything. Hopefully, I won't have any more moments like that today.

2009-11-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

I am officially panicking.

Seriously.

Like, two weeks until we go see the grandparents and I have lost zilch In fact, I've gained a fucking pound. So that's thirteen lbs I have to lose in about TWO WEEKS. This is an EMERGENCY.
SO I am revamping my eating plan. I'm keeping to my 'fast' plan (Two fast, one eat, three fast, one eat, repeat), but on my eat days, I'm going to have a STRICT limit of 400 calories. Plus my exercise plans. I am going to be SO pissed/depressed if I have to go as the fat cow I am. I can't do that. I have to be perfect, I have to lose this weight.

I'm panicking. Full-fledged panicking. So I'm going to stop writing now, and I'm going to go exercise like a maniac.

2009-10-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

My mother irritates me.

I love her, but she irritates me. She's always on her 'pity wagon', plus always nagging at me to 'do this, do that... no wait, don't do that, do this instead... ah, hell, do both!'

She's always complaining about how I don't 'do anything for her', when I generally do my chores and whatever else she asks unless I'm sick or about to faint, as I have been for a couple days, so admittedly, I have let a little slack by me, but still.
She was complaining about how I didn't do the dishes last night, or iron any clothes. I was about to explode, because she's been nagging ALL MORNING about it.
Well I'm sorry I hurt my foot last night, so standing on it--when it's painful just sitting!--to do freaking dishes and iron stupid clothes wasn't utmost on my mind. I'm sorry I nearly fainted in the shower. I'm sorry I don't jump and run at the snap of your fingers. I'm sorry I'm a pathetic excuse for a daughter, and I'm sorry you had to get stuck with me!

Bleh. Sorry about that. I just had to get it out. It's just so... uuuuugh.

I ate again. =_=; My dad cooked lunch, and I had like... three teaspoons, plus a tiny slice of garlic bread. I'm actually kind of proud of myself, because I did get a reasonable amount of food, just to make them not realize, but I sat there (Because luckily, since it was lunch, we didn't eat around the table), ate a tiny little spoonful, pretended to eat a few more, nibbled at my tiny slice of bread, ate another tiny spoonful... etc. So by the time I had my third spoonful and finished the bread, it had been about twenty minutes, which I figured was a reasonable amount of time to keep them in the dark, so I was like "Oh, that was delicious!" and then, since I was alone in the kitchen, scraped the rest into the dog's bowl, which the cats and the dog immediately swallowed in about four seconds. Maybe I should feed them more, if they're starving to death like that. XD

I am kind of pissed that I CAN'T FREAKING FAST PROPERLY, though. I HAVE to lose twelve pounds in three weeks. I HAVE to. And this foot HAS to heal so I can walk like a person instead of a duck. =_=;
I mean, I was looking at myself in the mirror, and my stomach is getting a tiny little bit of definition, so it's not just this huge blob of fat hanging down... it's a huge blob of fat with definition! : D
I swear, I would be happy as a flea on a hound dog if I could LOSE MY ARMS. I swear to God, I don't think I've lost ANYTHING off them, even from my high weight. I've started doing those tricep dip things, where you hold onto the edge of the seat of a chair and dip down. You know what I'm talking about? XD Yeah, anyways, I've started doing those. But I only feel anything in my freaking thighs. I mean, what the hell?! They're not even INVOLVED! So now I'm doing some work with dumbells too, just PRAYING it'll tighten up some before we go. DX
I'd really love losing my legs, too. I'm starting to be just a bit happier with them--my knees are actually less puffy than they were two weeks ago, so that's making me happydance. XD But still. I just feel like a fat girl trying to masquerade as a skinny chick and not quite making it.

I mean, at what point does 'normal' society stop seeing someone as 'fat' or 'overweight' and start seeing them as 'skinny'? Because, yeah, I'd like to reach that point so I can move on from there instead of trying to make it down from an obese whale.

2009-10-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not having a very good day today. Even though I've screwed up every fast period and eaten... today, I'm extremely dizzy whenever I stand up, plus my vision does that really trippy 'fade-to-black' thing. I actually almost passed out once. I was in the kitchen trying to fix a cup of tea. I was feeling really nauseous and dizzy, so I sat down. My vision faded down to black and I thought I was going to really and truly pass out that time. After about thirty seconds, my vision came back, and I was fine, except my hands were tingling. That really freaked me out, because nothing like that's ever happened before. So since today's an eat day, I'm making the most of it and eating probably more than I should, but I don't want to experience that again soon. Today's tally is one salad, three 70-cal pudding cups, one bologna sandwich and for supper I'm planning on having a biscuit with bacon and tomato and another salad, plus some Jello I currently have setting in the fridge. Not exactly vegetarian today, but I'm cheating since I really don't want to completely pass out this early in the game, which would make my parents extremely suspicious.

I'm still at 137, but that's fine, because I didn't really expect to lose a pound in one day. XD I'm content to hang out here for today and then start losing again. I'm REALLY wanting to be 135 by Saturday. Since that's only 2 lbs, I could probably barely squeak in, but I guess we'll see. XD
I'm tentatively estimating I could be down to 125 by the time we make the trip to my grandparents', but I might lose a little more, maybe a little less. It's about two and a half weeks, maybe three until we're planning on going, and I'm absolutely positive I can at least get down to 130 by that point. 125 might be just a little out of my reach, but I'm going to come as close as possible, and maybe get to that point WHILE I'm there. : P

Also, I've discovered I really enjoy making Thinspo videos. It's fun and keeps my mind away from food for a little while. On my sidebar, I have a video I made a week ago, plus one I finished today. Check 'em out, let me know how I'm doing with them--I know they probably suck, but I'm just barely starting out. : P (if you wanted to add me on YouTube, I'm somedayperfection16)

Last, but most certainly not least, I wanted to give a big ol' hug to my new followers! I applaud your bravery in wanting to read all my ramblings. : P
And in answer to Aimee's question, yeah, I use a scale--I just want a measuring tape so I can know my measurements. (P.S. Go follow her blog, ladies! She needs more followers!)

If I can find the measurements I took at my high weight, I'll post them plus my current measurements. : P

Until next time! xoxo

o_o

2009-10-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am officially at...

THE HALFWAY POINT.

Like, no shit. 35 lbs lost, 35 left to go. OH MY GOD. I am... Freaking out. This is HEYYYUGE. Well, not as HEYYYUGE it'll be once there's 70 lost and 0 left to go, but you get what I'm saying here. ;P
It's also kind of... scary, in some odd way. To be looking back and thinking "Damn, I really did come all this way. I'm halfway there. o:" But then you look ahead and say "And now I have all that still in front of me. OH LAWD."
If I plateau now, I'm going to stab something. =X

I am going to be SO fucking hot by spring break. >=D

Warning: Long, rambling post consisting of bones, measuring tapes, clothes, friends, heritage, and waffling about maybe posting photos of my fat self so I can have MIDWAY and AFTER photos begins NAO.

I was laying on my floor last night, and it was weird. Because usually I have a nice, soft, really gross cushion of fat all over. But last night, I could feel my hipbones against the floor. Not, like, majorly, but I could feel these two little bumps against the floor. So I stood up, made sure there was nothing under me and then layed back down. That's when I figured out what it was. XD So then I stood up and raced to my mirror. They don't stick out yet. FML. D: But I can FEEL them! And that's something, right? D:

My collarbones are also becoming more and more prominent. They started just barely peeking out when I was at about... oh, 155-160. I was like OMG I HAVE BONES. XD And so I always walked around with my shoulders held in the exact right position to make them pop forward as much as I could make them--which wasn't much. : P But now they stand out pretty well on their own, even without me walking around looking all weird. :3 The tops are pretty well hollowed--they still have a little bit to go, I think, and the bottoms are just barely starting to hollow out. I can't WAIT until it's through popping out of my fatty layers! I LOVE collarbones!

Also, my shoulderblades are starting to make an appearance. I didn't ever really pay attention to them while I was fatter, but I think they didn't stick out. Now I have two little shoulderblade bumps, especially right at the top of my shoulder, where they begin, but then they kind of make a little point down a little farther along my back.

Plus, when I move my fingers around, you can see the bones in my hand moving under the skin. XD How cool is that?! After being fat my whole life, it's pretty much amazing to me to see stuff like this, rather than my fat jiggling all over the place.

I need to measure myself. After I get a new tape measure. My old one is shot pretty much to hell. Damn mice. =_= They've nibbled all along it, plus it was stuffed in a drawer, so it's all wrinkled up. I don't think there's any hope left for the poor thing. XD I believe it's time to move on. D: Maybe I can find a really cool-looking one, rather than just basic white-with-black-numbers. : D

I've also got my outfit planned out for when we go to see my grandparents. I got this really awesome bomber jacket yesterday, so I'm going to go all 'motorcycle gang' on them. :P Tightish jeans, plain white t-shirt, my jacket... and I'm still debating about my shoes. I have these dark grey converse high-top knockoffs that have this awesome pattern of guitars across them, but meh. I dunno. XD I'll figure it out. : P Boots, maybe. But I don't think I have the right boots. Because I don't think my 'cowboy' boots'll work--though they are REALLY cute, especially when I'm riding. : P I have low-top converse knockoffs in red... but still, not really sure. XD

As for church, when I'll see my friends... I've gone all-out on that outfit. It's a shortish black skirt that hits about two inches above my knee, a white button-down, these black booties that kind of look like moccassins, my bomber jacket, plus a dark metallic gold belt. It actually all looks really cool together--I'll have to take a picture of it, both now, and when we go. Just to see if I've made any kind of dent in my weight. : P

I just want to always look really cute and SKINNY while we're there. XD Silly? Oh yus. But necessary? OH HONEY SLAP ME YES. Last time they saw me, like I said, was at my heigh weight, and I was always covering up in baggy jeans and baggy t-shirts--one of which I now wear as a nightshirt...That I'm actually still wearing now, and really should go change. XDDD But I shall finish this really long-ass blog post first! :D

I'm still really nervous, even after I connected with my old friends on Facebook yesterday--I'm just wondering if when they saw my photo, if they saw any weight loss. Because my mom had a few pictures of me at my hw on her Blackberry that I was looking at yesterday... I had NO cheekbones, my face was completely round, my thighs were even worse than they are now, my boobs were huge... I think now I can actually see a slight difference. Because now I have a jawline, my cheekbones are starting to become more prominant--My cheeks actually have this teeny-tiny hollow at the back, close to my hairline, that extends about mid-way. Can only be seen if you're really looking for it, though. XD
I love my cheekbones--I have the high Indian cheekbones. My dad's grandma was a full-blooded Cherokee Indian. I'm so glad I take after his side of the family--at least in this case. My hair is pretty dark, and my skin has this kind of olive-ish tone, though my mom's total 'white-girl' heritage really diluted the color it COULD have been (Which also makes me look REALLY sallow and sick when I get too pale =_=; ). XD I have these really dark eyes, plus, yay, the cheekbones. XD
My dad, however, looks like this total cross between Hispanic and Indian. XD He was telling us about how one time he went into a grocery store, and while he was checking out, the cashier was trying to talk to him in Spanish! XDDD I just... I swear, I wish I'd gotten my dad's hair instead of my mom's. Kind of, I guess. My mom's hair has these tight-ish curls that are kind of frizzy and all-over-the-place, with a mind of their own. My dad has fairly straight hair. FML!!! I've got loose curls that tend to frizz like mad unless I put stuff on them. XD But they look ok, once I get the frizz tamed down, so I just really don't know. XD

Also, I had this idea about posting photos of Fatty Me up, just so you guys can get a... well, not 'before' but still kind of 'fat' to 'thin' photos. I just don't know... I look SO DAMN FAT. D: So yeah, you guys choose if you want to see... I could be your reverse thinspo? :D And make you go OH GOD DAMN when you think that there was actually 35 MORE pounds packed on me. ._. I just... really don't tend to carry much extra weight well. It goes to my thighs, butt and stomach, but after it fills those out, it runs to my boobs and upper arms. Which reminds me, I need new bras. Maybe I'm down to a B-cup now. That would be deliciously AMAZING. :D I need to get myself professionally measured, because I don't have a clue how to do it properly. But... geez, that just seems embarrassing to me. I mean... how do they do it? Are you just standing there naked while this total stranger wraps a measuring tape around your boobs? DX I guess it would be better than wearing an ill-fitting bra... but still. XD I'm actually a fairly modest person! XD

Ok, ok, ending this post now. XD If you actually read this far, I love you sosososo much, and here, have many hugs. : D *hughughughughughughughughughughughug!* :D

2009-10-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of sad. My boyfriend seems to be losing interest in me. :\ He's been leaving more, not talking to me as much and just... things don't feel the way they used to. I'm still very crazy about him, but he just seems to not be very crazy about me. It's like we're just drifting apart. I've tried being more interesting when we talk, but that never seems to help. I've tried a lot of things, but he doesn't really seem to respond.
So now I'm redoubling my efforts on what I KNOW will make him look at me in a new light.
We've been making plans to meet up during spring break--he hasn't asked his parents yet, even though we started talking about it at the end of August. -_-; I'm working EXTREMELY hard to reach 102 by that point, just in case it actually DOES happen. If I am skinny and beautiful, how can he resist me? But if he never works up the balls to actually ask his parents... how will it even happen in the first place?

Also, there's that trip to my grandparents' next month. I'm getting more and more nervous about it--I just really don't know if I can lose enough weight to be happy by then. And then they don't have a scale there--how will I keep myself on track?! It'll look suspicious if I take my own scale. :\ I'm just really starting to freak out about all of it.

Plus, my dad was trying to talk me out of my vegetarianism today. Excuse me? Why would I give up the one thing I can really count on to keep me out of family meals? He always cooks stuff with meat, and so I always look vaguely grossed out about it, and then get a salad or something. He was like "It's only meat--besides, I think you've lost enough weight." I just gave him this look for a second, and barely kept myself from screaming "ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?! I AM STILL FAT!!!!" but I just said "I'm wanting to stick with this for a while longer." He gave up pretty quickly after, but I don't think he's through yet.
My mom was doing the same thing. Like she was saying "As long as you avoid the fat on the meat, it should be ok." Now with her, I can pretty much just roll my eyes and she gets the message. So that's what I did. She's not big on meat, so I guess that's why she's not pushing it as much as my dad. But still, why do they see it as such a huge thing? It's irritating. My life, people. You control just about everything else I do, so don't even try to control what I put into my body--you're just trying to make me fatter. -_-;

I stopped losing. D: I've just been hanging out at 139 for the past couple of days. ._. It's kind of frustrating. D:

So on my new routine, it's an eat day. Not that that makes much of a difference, as I've ruined all the fast days so far by eating. At least it's always been something small rather than a full-out binge, but still! It makes me angry. D< I have two fast days tomorrow, so hopefully I can lose some then. I've also been exercising a bit, so that should help.

I'm not a very happy camper today. D:

2009-10-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

I reached my first weight goal today. : D Even though I messed up last night and had pasta. DAMN pasta. DAMN IT TO HELL. Why must it be so damn tasty?! DX

But haha, IN YO' FACE, PASTA! 139, sucka'!

I almost had a heart attack this morning when I stepped on the scale. I just saw the '9' at the end and I was like "FUCKHOWDIDIGAINNINEPOUNDSFROMONEBOWLOFPASTAFUCKFUCKFUCKETYFUCK-Oh, wait... that says 1-THIRTY-9. Doi. *foreheadsmack* ...Wait. One-WHAT?! THIRTY?! AWEMAIGAWDAWEMAIGAWDAWEMAIGAWD!!!!!!!!1!" I then proceeded to dance naked around my bedroom and bathroom while singing "I WILL NEVER SEE A FOUR ON THE SCALE AGAIN!"
I am really happy I was the only one awake at the time. Otherwise, the maniacal laughter might have drawn a crowd. D: So then I grabbed a pair of sweats and cut them off into shorts, despite it being 55 degrees outside. XDDD Needless to say, I've been very good today. Only 50 calories. :D Which kind of defeats the whole 'fast' concept, but whatever--I can allow for 50 calories worth of slack. XD

So we're going to see my grandparents the week before Thanksgiving. Which means going back to the town we used to live in, and me seeing my old 'friends' when we go to church. D: Last any of them saw me, I was at my high weight (172), so they're going to be kind of "Wtf?!" anyway. XD I'm really really REALLY wanting to get down to 125 before we go, anyway. Just to add more to the "WTF?!" factor. XD
I'm already planning on getting my hair cut and dyed. :3 It's going to be like Hayley from Paramore. I was gonna get it dyed like that, too, but then I decided I was just going to do my tips and pin streaks through my bangs. Now the only question is what freaking color. DX I've been trying to decide between white, blue-ish green and red. Seriously, it's driving me crazy. I'm leaning away from red, because I have this hair magazine, and from the photos in it, red, purple and pink are fairly popular right now, and I'm not really wanting to 'blend'. :\ I want to stand out just a bit.
Plus, it would be LOVELY if I could grow like two inches. D: I'm just tired of being 5'4". DX
Ah, lawdy. XD

So I started my new exercise program today. Umm... I suck. I can only do one freaking sit-up! And with much struggling, too! DX I can do five girl pushups, though. Though I tend to only go down like half an inch after the first two. =_=; So I guess I can only do two. XD I can do five burpees, though I'm not sure I'm holding proper form all the way through. <_< I can still run about 200 yards, but I do get pretty slow on the last half. I fail at fitness. =_=;
But I'm going to keep working at it and working hard so that when we're staying with my grandparents I can be running around doing my routine and they're like "Omg, she's working so hard on this" plus then I'll be able to burn off all the fatty crap they'll be trying to stuff down my throat. =_=; I'm mainly wanting to lose a lot of weight before we go, because my grandma ALWAYS makes comments. I do realize she only loves me and is trying to help, but Jesus Christ, don't you think I'm self-consious enough without you making these little comments? I'm wondering if when we get there, she's going to make a comment like "You still have some to go, though" or something along those lines. That would REALLY piss me off. I mean, I KNOW I have a lot to go, but still! AUUUUUUGH. I'm getting really stressed out about all of it. I'm just glad it's not for a few weeks yet, so I still have time to get some work done.

2009-10-22T11:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm starting a new fast. Two fast days, one eat day, then three fast days, then another eat day. And then it starts over. :P
I figured that since I've pretty much screwed up my other fasts, mostly right at the end, I'd just get like RARG I MUST EAT and then I eat. But it's usually been something small, like a few bites of beans or something. It still makes me feel like a failure, though. <_<;
So today is the start of the three-day stretch. And I'm gonna ROCK ITS SOCKS OFF! Rah, rah, rah!
...Yes, I am a bit hyper, thanks for noticing. :D

Oh, yeah, and I'm 140.2 lbs now. XD Lowest weight EVAR, d00ds. Like, woah. :D

Glee~

2009-10-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try a two-day fast again. I feel very fat, very afraid of my scale... so I'm just gonna do it. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday morning, and it said 142. So I've just been afraid to step back on it. But tomorrow I will, after I have a fast day behind me and one ahead.

I kind of like fasting, actually. It takes away all the trouble of calorie counting. :P Plus I just love that empty feeling and the growl that just kind of starts tiny and slowly builds up to a deep growl that pulls across your entire stomach. If you know what I mean. XDDD

2009-10-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I love that shirt, but it makes me look bigger than I am. D: I guess I could add a belt or something on top, but I just didn't feel like it today. :P After all, I was only going to the lake to take pictures. XDDD But yes, this is one of the ones I took today--one of my favorites, except for some others I took of myself, but they have my face or I would show them to y'all. D:

Today, I actually took some of the best pictures of me ever. Most pictures of me from the past are candids, so they look stupid. And these I took today aren't even staged THAT much, as I only had an autotimer on my camera, so I just barely had time to rush in front and position myself. XD So they're not candid, but they're not staged-staged either. They're my favorites right now. XD
Do you like my Little Red Bracelet, by the way? (Even though you probably didn't even notice it until I pointed it out, and even now probably can't tell much about it. :P) I made it two days ago. It's a few red glass beads with a silver dragonfly charm. It's fairly simple, but it's actually really adorable. I feel kind of funny wearing it, as I'm not sure I've earned the... I dunno... 'right' to wear one yet, but still, I feel like it's something I need to do as a visual reminder to stay on track, so I'm just going to keep wearing it. :P

My eating kind of went to shit today. I've had a horrible migrane all day, and when I have one, I just feel like EATING and praying "maybe this'll make it go away..."

So I had the yogurt this morning, and then I bought a cookie (300-something 350?) on my way out to the lake. When I got home, I had supper which consisted of a salad (Ooooh, I feel healthy. [/sarcasm]) and some of the vegetarian lasagna/german chocolate cheesecake I made for my dad's birthday. So I'm guesstimating I'm around 1000-1500 calories today. Nyegh. ._. I'm just glad I have the ABC starting up again tomorrow. Maybe that'll help me feel less fat.

My boyfriend finally emailed me today. Was all gushygushy about New York and how I'd love Central Park. Umm... I'd prefer to stay out here in the woods--a park in the middle of a city can't really compare to what I've got. I've got forests and fields, lakes and open roads, rivers and creeks... I've got pretty much everything I need right here.
I'm not willing to hem myself into a city just so I can see their damn stinkin' park. :P

I am a country girl and proud!

2009-10-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like singing Christmas songs already. D: And that's really weird, because I'm not very big on the whole Christmas thing. Damned commercialism ruined it for me. <_<; Not to mention all those people walking around chirping "Jesus is the reason for the season! : D" Umm... what planet did you come from, dear? Christmas started out as a PAGAN holiday that the Christians took over. <_<; GREED is the reason for the season these days. Squeee~

...Why am I ranting on Christmas and it's not even Halloween yet? XDDD OMGHALLOWEEN. My FAVORITE holiday EVER. EEEEEP!

So yes, in about an hour, the car is MIIIIINE. >: D I'm planning on going out to this little park that has this BEAUTYMOUS lake and taking pictures--amateur photographer here. : P I started back in January, became hooked. I mostly do nature stuff, but I'm planning on using myself as a model today. I can only imagine how fugly these pictures will turn out. : D
It'll also get me out of the house and relieve this mind-numbing boredom that keeps telling me to go swallow the kitchen. =_=;
Luckily, though, I haven't listened. All I've had so far is a 35 calorie yogurt. :3 That's still a screw-up, because I was supposed to fast today, and then go back to day 3 of the ABC tomorrow, since I put it aside for my bread-and-ricecake-diet. But still, it's better than what it could have been.

I'm also planning on applying for a job while I'm out. Once again, that'll get me out of the house and keep my mind off eating. I'm excited. :3
My dad's cooking right now. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but the smell is bringing back nostalgia like nothin' else. I'm not even sure what it is I'm remembering. It's just a bunch of vague, unspecific, totally disconnected memories.

I should go get ready so I can just walk out the door when my mom comes home from work. I've gotta get out of here soon. Been cooped up for two days now, and I just want to get out on the open road, roll my windows down and sing at the top of my lungs to the radio. Most people tend to do that in the summertime, but hey, I'm a rebel. >:3

Stay wonderful, stay strong, and think thin!

2009-10-16T16:47:00.000-07:00

I hate this. I hate feeling so dependent on someone. I hate this.. needing someone so much that it hurts to the bone when they're not there. I hate breathing but not taking in oxygen. I hate feeling so trapped in my own skin. I hate wanting to run so far, but knowing it'll never be far enough. I hate feeling like I have to burn the forest down just to find a drop of air to pull into my lungs. I hate this pressure in my chest, knowing I'm on the verge of breaking.

Why do I need him so much? Why does it hurt me so much that he hasn't even attempted to contact me for the past three days?
I did email him last night, and I'm going to wait two more days before I really allow myself to completely break. I don't want to, but I know I will anyway. I don't want to need him like this. But I do.

And I really hate the fact I sound like a melodramatic bitch right now.

I found a stickbug. :D

2009-10-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

I totally did. :D His name is Morton and he's missing a leg. Poor Morton. =<

Ok, adorable little stickbugs aside, last night was ok. I did eat more than I'd planned to, but didn't go out of control with my eating--I kept myself in control of it. I was afraid I'd gain, though, because I did have some of the German chocolate cheesecake I made--which was FUCKING DELICIOUS by the way XD--but as it turns out, I didn't. I lost .2 of a pound. I probably would have lost more without it, but a loss is a loss, right? Now that I've had my little eat-normally day, I can get back to eating as little as possible.

Also, Aunt Flo decided to visit early this month. BOOOO. I alway get terrible cramps on the first day, but I'm not this time... wonder why. It's kind of... weird. XDDD But I am SO not complaining. XDDD I am a leeetle bit nauseous for some reason, though. ._.
But after it's over, I always lose maybe half a pound to a full pound, sometimes a little more, so I'm excited about that. :D

Ok, I have a question for you guys. What kind of supplements do you guys take, and what do those particular supplements do for you? I just recently realized that if I'm going to cut way, way back on my eating, I should be taking supplements too, so right now it's pretty basic what I'm taking--just a multivitamin, vitamin C, and cayenne. Plus a few cinnamon pills every now and again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvyH4HYRkTc <---Watch that. I'm currently obsessed. XDDDD

Wheeeee. : P

2009-10-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, first, I just want to start off with saying I know I don't comment on blogs much. I do read, I'm just not a big commenter. Maybe I'm just a little shy or something. XD But I am trying to comment more, so don't shoot me when I do? D:

So, yes, I'm 141.6 lbs right now. Yaaaaay. X3

I'm going to try to fast again today. I had sort of a rhythm set up yesterday, where if I felt hungry, I would get a drink, if I felt shaky, I would go lie down for a few minutes, etc. It just seemed easier to me to fall back into that rhythm than to go stuff my face. Does this just get easier the longer you do it?
I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to do it AGAIN tomorrow. Probably not, since this is my first fast period, and I don't want to go overboard on it. I'll probably go back to my bread-and-ricecake diet.
One problem, though. I'm not sure if we're doing my dad's birthday dinner tonight or tomorrow--tomorrow is his actual birthday, but my mom has to work, so I'm guessing we're doing it tonight. So today might have to be just a partial fast, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get out of eating at least a bit of dinner. I'm going to go for as little as possible, though. On the menu is a vegetable lasagna, my famous salad, and for dessert... he wanted me to make a German chocolate cheesecake. D: I got all the ingredients as low-cal as possible, but still. ._. I might just have to skip that one. ._.

Also, I am REALLY irritated at my boyfriend. He went to NY to see his sister this week, which means we're not going to be able to talk as much as we usually do. He said he'd email me when he got there, but lo and behold, I have no email. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN.
I feel like I'm falling into that old story of 'girl sits by phone waiting for boy to call, boy never calls, girl cries heart out'. Except I'm sitting by my computer. =_=;
I know, I know, I could email HIM. But blaaaarrrrrhhhhg. I want HIM to email ME. He promised he would. ;_; Plus, I don't want to seem desperate and clingy. (Which I so am, but he doesn't have to know that. =X)

Allow me to do a victory dance--it'll burn a few calories

2009-10-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

142!!! ONE-FORTY-FREAKING-TWO! : DDDD ASDFGHJKL!
I BUSTED MY LOW WEIGHT!
TAKE THAT, 144!!!!!

Needless to say, I am rather excited here. :3 It's been weeks watching myself hit 144 and then go back up after eating badbad stuff. Now here I am at 142. : D I feel happy, but also a little apprehensive knowing this is only one drop in the bucket.
I just want to go to bed one day and wake up skinny. Seriously. ._.

But, yes. I discovered at the store that the rice cakes I've been getting are 10 cals above another flavor. HORROR. D: Goodbye, 'white cheddar', hello 'lightly salted'!

So yes, my fast is going swimmingly--I've resisted all forms of food! My mom tossed me a peach for breakfast, and I was like "Oh, bleh, I just got up. I'm not really hungry." Since I hardly ever eat breakfast anyway, she didn't really care. And then for lunch, everybody else had chicken salad sandwiches. How did I get out of eating with them? Just before they started eating, I started doing the dishes I forgot to do last night. So when they asked me to come eat, I was elbow-deep in soapy water. "Dang! Sorry, I didn't know you were making lunch--I'll eat when I'm through with this." And then never did. :3 All this makes me feel like a ninja or something. XDDD

I bought all my ingredients for my dad's birthday dinner. I got everything as low-cal as I could. My mom was with me, and kept giving me these exasperated looks when I'd stand looking at two different brands of the same product forever, checking and rechecking the calorie count. She didn't say anything about it though--she just figures I'm trying to be 'healthy'. Feh. Screw healthy, I'm gonna be SKINNY.

Hmm.

2009-10-13T21:54:00.000-07:00

Ex is as much of an asshole as I remembered. : D Good to know I haven't been slandering him in my memory. : D

Apparently, I'm an 'attention whore'. Big freaking whoop. You're an attention whore, too, buddy. Whining about how you're so 'suicidally depressed' and how nobody loves you and then acting like an asshole to me, just to get a rise out of me.

I'm happy to say, though, I didn't rise to it. I just acted like my slightly hyper, goofy, outgoing self, and didn't really care what he thought anymore. I mean, I've been thinking there was some tiny little piece of me that still craved him, that still loved him... there's really not. o_O He's shallow as a saucer. Nothin' there but air. This makes me very, very happy.

I'm makin' a list, checkin' it twice...

2009-10-13T20:04:00.000-07:00

I finally get to go to the store tomorrow! YESYESYESYES.

I'm also thinking about doing a full-on fast tomorrow--liquid calories only. Huh. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, though. Though if I never try, I'll keep hanging back from it "Oh, I'm not ready. I can't." So I just might-as-fucking-well. So I guess that's what I'm doing. Just in case, though, I'm going to allot myself two tablespoons of salsa--that always seems to make me feel fuller for a bit, plus it's only, like, 10 calories. That should save me in case my tummy decides to take over.

So yes, shopping tomorrow: I'm getting all my diet staples. Salad fixin's, plus a low-cal dressing. Fuck the one I got that's 60 cals per two tablespoons or something. Plus it doesn't even taste good, so screw it. =_= I'm probably going to get those cheese snacks that come in the sticks. Protein. I'm only getting them if I can find some worth 100 cals or less. Light Soy Milk, definitely. 80 calories per cup, so that's less than normal milk, which weighs in at 100.
My rice cakes--I'm going to go for something other than white cheddar flavour this time, though. Maybe they'll come in for less than 45 cals. I guess I'll just have to check in the store. Assorted vegetables, too. Carrots, radishes, maybe even some asparagus.
I'm going to look for a 'weight loss' tea, too. I'm not sure if I could get something like that, as my mom is coming along, but we'll see--she's very supportive on my quest to lose weight--It's making me so healthy! ;]
And then I have to get the fixin's for my dad's birthday dinner. I'm making a salad plus a vegetable lasagna that I think I could manage a bit of so I don't raise suspicion.
And then *drumroll* Diet soda! Something clear--I hear the dark ones are even more horrible for your teeth. Plus gum and breath mints and stuff I can suck on to keep my mind off food and I'm golden.
I get this type of bread called Oat Nut when I get bread. It's got oatmeal and hazelnuts in it. It's nice and sweet, plus it makes me feel fuller than just normal bread. I need to get more of that tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out what else I need to get, but I'm drawing a blank.
I want to get something chocolate... but argh, I just don't know. I'll probably get some M&Ms or something and have like five a day--that should keep me in business for many, many days to come, plus it'll keep my chocolate cravings off. I'm getting better at self-control, so limiting myself like that shouldn't be a problem, but it might be, so I'm still a little hesitant about it.

Also, guess what. :3 I was laying on my mom's bed today, all stretched out over it, and had like half my torso hanging off, because I just felt like it. And my hipbones were just barely peeking out of my skin. ASDFGHJKL! I know it was all because I was lying down, plus being all stretched out, but still. It was exciting. :3 When I felt them, I just nearly started freaking out. :3

All my goals seem almost within reach now. X3 I can do this!

Stay strong, stay wonderful, and think thin!

OH HELL FUCK. A 'friend' just invited me into an MSN convo with my ex-from-two-years-ago. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

Low weight again... : D

2009-10-13T10:47:00.000-07:00

Ok, bitchslap me and tell me I am a fat cow and shouldn't go eat. That I should stick to my diet like white on rice. No, wait. Food similes are bad. DX

So yes, I have hit my low weight again. 144.0. At this exact moment in time, I'm not especially hungry, but soon enough I'm going to be like
"Ok, I think I'm gonna eat now. Can't hurt, y'know, because I'm at my low weight. Besides. I'll only eat a little: A little of this, a little of that... wait a second... oooh, I like that. A lot of that. But it doesn't matter, y'know, because my low weight is some kind of magic number that won't let me gain anything, even though past days seem to disprove that notion. But I don't care, because I'm a fat cow. :D"

I'm NOT going to let that happen today. I can't. I need a NEW low weight, dammit. And if I can lose 1.8 lbs in one day... hell if I'm gonna let myself pig out just to pig out. 144 can't keep being my magic yoyo number.

By the way, I can currently use my thumbs and middle fingers and put them around the part of my thigh about an inch above my knee. Can't wait until I can do that to my UPPER thigh. XD But I am built so damn Southern. Broad shoulders, big hips and thighs, etc. Also, I don't know if it's just the fact I'm fat or what, but when I suck in my stomach and look at the outline of my ribcage, it looks kind of broad too. So I'm basically built like a wall. =_=;
I don't know if I'll ever look like the delicate dainty girls I want to look like... but I guess we'll just see. I don't have small bones. They're about medium-size. Average size. Everything about me is so damn average.

By the way, who decided that 116-145 was a good weight range for my height? I'm 1lb below 145, and I'm faaaaat! I'm thinking more along the lines of 100-110 as a good range. And who thinks a BMI of 20 or above is 'healthy'? That should be OBESE. And 18.5 and below is underweight? No, honey. That's perfect. I mean... has our world seriousy gotten so fat, with their ideas so skewed that they can seriously think that's NORMAL? Or are they just trying to make fat people feel better? HELL-o. Tell the fatties they're fat. I mean, they're still fat no matter what range you decide is 'healthy', but then they sit around thinking "Oh, I'm so healthy" while they chow down on their greasy french fries and big macs.

*rawrrawrrawrrawr*

Ok, I'm through. Stay wonderful, stay strong! <3

2009-10-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

I want to go weigh myself SO BAD. But I'm going to have to wait. I know I probably weigh 50 bazillion lbs. I overestimated what my water intake should be, so while sipping on, like, my 10th or 11th bottle of the day, I just felt sooooo nauseous and like I was going to HURL. UP. THIS. WATER. RIGHT. NOW. I couldn't even look at the damn bottle in my hand. D: So yeah, I'm just going to wait and weigh in the morning like I always do. XD I still can't believe just water could make you feel so... bad. XD Luckily, though, I do feel better now. Better enough to consider a cup of coffee. <_<;>_>;

I'm just utterly sick of reaching my low weight and then bouncing back up. It's like the number itself can just trigger me to "OH LET ME GO EAT TWICE MY OWN WEIGHT IN FOOD. HELL, IT DON'T EVEN HAVE TO BE FOOD. I'LL CHEW UP THE CARPETS IF I HAVE TO. : D"
But uh-uh, ain't gonna happen this time. I have my plan, I have my determination, I have my goal. I want to be 130 by Halloween. 125 if I can manage it. I mean, I still can't SEE any weight loss, even from my 172 days. It's frustrating. I just can't figure out when I'll be able to see it. When my thighs stop touching? When my belly doesn't look like I'm smuggling a basketball under my shirt?

Feh.

Squeeee... : D

2009-10-12T07:42:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of the 140 calorie-a-day diet thingy I posted about yesterday. :3 I'm excited. I'm going to follow it through to Saturday, which is the first fast of the ABC. I'm going to take that fast, and then rewind the ABC back to Day 4, which is supposed to be today, and then I'll do this week over in ABC-dom.
I hope that made sense. XDDD I'm not very coherent in the mornings. @___@

But yes, I have my rice cake and piece of bread separated out, all I have to do is drink my water and be happy. : D My weight goal for the end of the week is 140. I'm also really crossing my fingers for losing five lbs a week, but I don't know if I'll reach that. I'll get as close as I can, though. :3

I was up a full pound today when I weighed myself. It's like I reach 144 and then I just feel like EATING. So I eat a little bit of this, a little bit of that... and by the next day, I've gained. *sighs*

My dad's birthday is this Friday, and I'm hoping to score the cooking rights. That way I can make LOW-CAL stuff, which seems to be something beyond what anyone else in my family can grasp. XDDD I was thinking along the lines of fish or chicken. I mean, since we have chicken so much, I'm leaning towards the fish. Not sure how I'd plan on cooking the little darling, but I'll figure it out. XD Oooh! And my famous salad, too! :3 And for dessert... really no way of making that 'low-cal'. I can substitute stuff and make it LOWER-cal, though. XDDD Now it's just a toss-up on what kind of dessert he wants me to make. If he says 'surprise me', though, I'm going to shoot him. XDDD ...Maybe a buttermilk or pecan pie? Huh. This bears much thinking about.
And I really hope my mom ordered that spice rack I wanted to get him... I mean, I got him a full new set of cake pans and stuff, because seriously, his old stuff was... wearing out. Muchly. XDDDD
I'm kind of falling into 'perfect planner' mode here. I'm even wondering if we should invite a few people, or just leave it as a family thing... we should probably invite my great-aunt, at least... I mean, she's done a lot for us, and it would just be the right thing to do... plus with more people around, that would dilute the focus on individuals, so I can get by with eating even LESS. >=D
Of course, if we do invite people, I'm going to have to BEG my brother to clean up the yard some, where he has this pile of stuff he pulled out of storage to sort through... and I'll have to clean up some of the clutter around the house.... gads, I need to get busy!

...

...

Ok, so maybe I go a little bit psycho when there's an event coming. Sue me. XDDDD

Ooooh, I just remembered the Halloween party we were planning... plans for that definitely need more work. And who better to work them than moi, master event planner? :3 I mean, seriously, my family likes to have these ideas for get-togethers, and then kind of let them stagnate for a little while... and then just kind of get together and be like "So... yeah.... this is it..." I, on the other hand, while I'm also one of the flightier members of the family, I am also an EXTREME planner, though nobody really knows that, since I don't use that skill very often. :3

Shit, I hope it's not going to be raining day-of any of this... that would just royally bite. Because with my dad's birthday, after we eat, we could all retire to the porch for a nice cup of coffee and chat... and the Halloween thing was going to be a bonfire. Argh, so much to do, so little time. D:

Stay wonderful!

Electricity is a beautiful thing. : D

2009-10-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, it finally came back on! : D You all should've heard me when it did. I was lounging across the couch with my mom's Blackberry, again, about to make a post when suddenly... the lights flickered on. I just sat there for a second in slight shock... and then fell off the couch laughing like a maniac and shrieking "HALLELUJAH!". Which pretty much continued for about ten minutes, especially as I waltzed into the kitchen... and turned on the coffee maker. <3 God, I missed coffee. XDDDD The lights shut off at 6:30 Friday morning, and turned back on at 4:30 this afternoon. Which makes nearly 60 freaking hours without electricity. ._. God almighty, I was about to go CRAZY. Once I finish this post, I'm going to wait about twenty minutes to see if my boyfriend's going to come on MSN, since I haven't been able to talk to him in three days... and then I'm going to go take a four-hour shower. XDDDD Oh, showers <333333333!!!!! Ok, so I can recap the past days without electricity, I'm just going to type up my journal entries--easier than actually sitting here trying to remember. XDDD

10/9/09
Electricity went out, so I don't have my blog as a distraction. But even so, I'm going to stick to this. I can't let anything break me now. I'm going to be strong. Fat, but strong.

Today's meal plan is pretty much the same as yesterday. I just had my yogurt, so at 3, I'm going to have my rice cake. Then at 6, I'll have my salad.

Last night, I actually did have an emergency that made me eat. I cut myself doing dishes. It wasn't really a bad cut, and I was ok for a few minutes. But when I started doing the dishes again, I nearly passed out there at the sink! I stood there a second trying to collect myself, when this really horrible nausea came over me. So I stumbled my way into the bathroom, nearly passing out again. When I got there, I just laid there on the floor for about ten minutes. I was feeling a bit better--like I wouldn't black out if I even twitched a finger--so I went back to the kitchen. I had full intentions of making a PB&J, but thank god, there was no jelly OR peanut butter, so I just ate a piece of bread. So maybe there is a god.

I've finally broken my low weight, by the way, which was 144.2. I am 144.0. The loss train is back on the tracks!
---
4:00 and the electricity is still out.

(insert ramble here)

I deviated from my plan because of sheer, mindnumbing boredom. I ate a pickle. 25 calories. It was REALLY spicy, thought, so yay for giving my metabolism a kick in the ass. I'm planning on having tonight's salad dry--that'll make up the difference well enough.

(insert ANOTHER ramble here)
(I tend to ramble a lot. XD)
----
I've just had a brainstorm. I usually mess up and binge on Fridays, so tomorrow is going to be a sort of fast day. Since it's already been proven that I'm a fat cow and can't fast or semi-fast by just sheer willpower, I've got it all laid out for myself. One rice cake (45), one slice of whole-wheat bread (100). I separated them into four parts each, and sealed one piece of each into four snack bags. I then added one bag of tea into each bag. I'll space my little meals throuout the day. Hopefully, having four different flavors of tea will trick my brain/stomach into thinking the meals themselves are different, thus removing boredom and the need to snack. Also, I have to drink at least four bottles of water before I even think of getting another meal. That should also keep me full enough to keep me from snacking.

(insert ramble here)

Hopefully, tonight I can keep myself under control.

10/10/09
So much for control. Over 2000 calories yesterday. I am honestly disgusted with my fat, fat, fat, fat cow self. Ugh. No 140 calories today. Just a fast. Maybe I can reverse the damage. I'm too scared to even go weigh myself. I just know I've ruined everything.

(insert 4 1/2 pages of "I am a fat cow" here)

I can't quite say that I feel much better now, but hey, at least 'the truth shall set you free'. Hah.

(insert ramble here)

----
I feel so, so, so much better. Mom loaned me her blackberry and I read all the blogs... I missed all those girls. I also managed to shoot an email off to 'R', which really helped take off so much pressure I didn't even know had built up.

I messed up my fast and had supper. I shouldn't have. I'm so fricking weak. I'll always be a fat cow if I keep letting my willpower disappear when faced with food.

I feel bloated. :C

10/11/09
I am pleasantly surprised. I only gained .8 lbs from my 2 binge days--though I don't really count yesterday as a true 'binge', exactly, because I'm pretty sure I stayed at the limit, maybe 50-100 above, but still within 'not good, but still kind of acceptable' ranges. It still made me feel bloated, though, so boooo.

I'm planning on doing the 140-four meal-four-water diet thingy I was going to do yesterday tomorrow. If that makes sense. I was going to do it today, but still no electricity, thus no tea, thus that kind of defeats the 'no boredom' plan I had. >:\

Hoping for electricity either later today or tomorrow.

Ok, hope that wasn't too boring. XDDD I am going after the 140 fast tomorrow, since I can actually make my tea now. XDD Uhhh... I think that's about it. Been eating fairly normally today, I'm currently about 100 calories under today's allowance, so I'll probably just have a rice cake later and call it a day. : P I need to go to the store and get more veggies and stuff--I haven't checked my salad fixin's yet, but I'm pretty sure they're all ruined after so long without refrigeration. Bleh. Not to mention, I'm down to my last few rice cakes. D:! Too bad I can only get that stuff in the bigger towns around this area, and apparently I'm not allowed to drive there by myself just yet. I mean, wtf, I'm a good driver. D: Been there ten thousand times, so I dun't see what's so different about me going by myself--plus if they just never trust me to go alone, then how will they know if I'm ready for it or not? o_O

Ok, sorry, I'm going to end this really long-ass post now. XD

Stay strong, stay wonderful, and think thin!

i hate myself

2009-10-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

So yeah, the electricity went out Friday morning, and its looking like they're gonna stay out until tomorrow evening, which royally BITES. I'm posting this off my moms blackberry, so my punctuation is a little off, because I just really don't feel like putting in all the apostrophes and crap that it doesn't automatically insert. XD

Ok, so my eating plan went to shit yesterday. I don't know exactly WHY I binged...sheer boredom, maybe? Anyway, let's just say...it was an over-2000 day and leave it at that. I just... don't want to dwell on it.

Today, however, has been a completely different story. I've been semi-fasting all day. I did have a yogurt (35) this morning, but nothing since. Tomorrow, I'm planning on a 150 day.

So wish me luck on that, and keep your fingers crossed that my electricity comes back-and soon! Our well is electric, so no showers. TORTURE.

Stay wonderful!

Day 1 - Results

2009-10-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

This post is going to be really boring. XD

I feel really weird saying it, since it's so rare I can... but I have done excellently today. I didn't deviate from my plan at all. And that just feels SO. DAMN. GOOD. I had my salad four hours ago, and I'm not even hungry or munchy right now! It's so confusing, because usually I totally am. XD Here's today's breakdown:

Breakfast: 1 Light yogurt - 35 calories.
Lunch: 1 rice cake - 45 calories.
Supper: 1 salad - 46 calories.
Total: 126 calories

Since it's kept me so full for so long, I'm going to keep making my salads the same way every time I have one. Maybe mix it up here and there, but basically the same.
I'm just going to post what I used here so I can remember it--I do have it written down in my handy dandy little notebook, but I tend to lose things (=_=;), so just in case...

1 cup spring salad mix (3.3 calories)
1 cup raw spinach (6.6 calories)
1 egg white, scrambled (About 17 calories)
2 tablespoons Picante sauce (10 calories)
1 tablespoon taco sauce (10 calories)
Pickled jalapeno slices to taste (I used about 10 slices--didn't really count) (0 cals)

I used the picante and taco sauces because it just sounded so damn good at the time--and it was! Plus the spices kick up the metabolism, so that's just a nice little bonus.
Also, since I'm going to forget what my abbreviations in my notebook mean, and I don't want to waste space in it writing out the full thingy, here's a tiny little list of stuff I was putting in my salad--the calories per actual serving size. : P

3 cups of spring mix = 10 calories
3 cups of raw spinach = 20 calories
2 tablespoons raspberry vinaigrette dressing (didn't use any this time) = 60 calories (And now you see why I didn't use it this time)
2 tablespoons picante sauce = 10 calories
1 tablespoon taco sauce = 10 calories

So, yeah, I'm fairly happy with today, and if you happened to read this whole thing, you must be totally bored. : P I'm half-way considering having another rice cake before I go to bed, but I don't want to ruin my little roll here. So only if it's an 'emergency'. It's about 2 1/2 hours before I'm planning on going to bed, so 'emergencies' aren't especially likely, but it's nice to have a plan in place just in case.

I'm planning on eating the same things tomorrow, since the calorie allotments are the same as they were today. It prevents me from having to think about this too hard, plus keeps me pretty well under-limit for little just-in-cases, like parents forcing me to eat an actual meal, which I don't think is very likely, but once again, plans are everything. I've also got several thinspo pictures on my cell phone that I can look through in tough moments, plus you lovely ladies giving me motivation. I love your comments, Ruby and Slowlyfading. You're both so supportive and inspiring to a poor little cow like me. <3

Stay wonderful! ^_^

Day 1 - Starting Over

2009-10-08T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm back up to 147. Wtf. At least it's giving me the determination I need to get this ABC done right. Ugh. I'm such a cow.

So far today I've had a 35 cal yogurt. Later today I'll probably have a rice cake (45) and then make my 10 cal salad. Today, I'm going to add an egg white (17) to my salad for the protein. Even with that, it'll keep me under-limit for today.

I'm not going to let anything stop me this time. Not even my own body screaming for more food, more food, more food. After all, it'll always want more, no matter how much I give it, so I might as well only give it enough to survive.

I think I need a do-over...

2009-10-07T12:28:00.001-07:00

I think I need to start my ABC over. I've... had a pretty damn rocky start on it, and I just don't feel like I've given it my absolute best shot. I've screwed it up, so I just need to start over. And shit, just looked up... I'll have to start tomorrow, because my mom and I were out (Getting my license!), and we went to Sonic and got Java Chillers, which are apparently 540 calories. =_=; So I'm going to just eat light, but normally today, and then start ABC with a vengeance tomorrow. I'm going to make it work, this time. Rawr!

Also, about my license... it's awesome. XDDD I just got back about fifteen minutes ago from taking my mom to work. When I was on my way home (alone! First solo trip!), I swear to god, the car just felt so off-balance without someone in the passenger seat. XDDDD And then, I got to this stretch of road, two lane, free-pass. By this point I was kind of confident, starting to relax... until I saw this huge, red 18-wheeler on my side of the road trying to pass this itty bitty Volkswagen. I was like "Um... shit?" I had to pull over on the shoulder he was so close. DX But I survived. : D God, it's just so liberating to be out there alone. XDDDD

Ugh, ugh, UGH.

2009-10-06T18:42:00.001-07:00

Apparently, my binge trigger is mac and cheese. I binged all freaking day on that crap. UGH. And this morning, I was about .6 lbs from breaking my low weight! UGH!

Shoot me, please?

My pants are falling off...

2009-10-05T18:00:00.001-07:00

...and oddly enough, I can't force myself to care.

Of course, these are my 'fat pants', from my high weight, but still. Every time I have to pull them back up, it makes me smirk a bit. Size 12. D: I'm about a siiiize.... er... I'm going to guess around a 9. Because I have a pair of size 10's and a pair of 8's. The tens are kind of loose, and the eights give me muffin top. XD 'Course, that doesn't really mean anything, since actual size measurements can vary so much... but whatever. XDDD

One of my goals is to fit into my 'skinny' jeans, which are about a size 7-10 in the juniors. Feh. I've been wearing them a bit already, but... muffin top like hell, plus they're tight, so I kind of shy away from them still.

Umm... I should probably be doing laundry instead of writing this, since my really fat jeans are all I have left right now. XDDDD

About that semi-fast... I'm coming through with flying colours. :D One rice cake, one cup of soy milk, and right now I'm sipping on 0 cal peppermint tea. Delicious. <3 Of course, nighttime is when I start craving/binging, so... I guess we'll just have to see about this.

Wish me luck in keeping this up, and stay wonderful. <3

2009-10-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

I readjusted my Ultimate Goal Weight. It's now 105 instead of 110. :D

Also, found the best method of thinspo ever. My mom got a bunch of clothes that she had me go through, and LOT of them were these twinky little t-shirts and stuff that only a super-skinny person could wear and look good in. So I culled all of them out and am planning on putting them around my room where I can see them every day. They were totally thinspiring when I was just taking them out of the boxes, so this should be good. :D

And another thing: I'm planning on semi-fasting for the next three days. I'll get a ration of one rice cake, one cup of coffee, two to three cups of hot tea and unlimited water a day. That'll lead into day 10 of ABC, which is a total fast. The semi-fasting might make that easier.

Plus, I've discovered the interesting concept that is 'Chew and Spit'. Gross, I know, but it helped me head off a binge last night.

As for exercise, I walked about six miles today--my usual three-mile-plus-hill-circuits route was flooded out, because it's been raining for two days, so I just used another route, which I knew was exactly three miles one-way. It doesn't have all the hills my three-miler has, but it's still three miles MORE. I'm planning on doing the six miles once a week and the three miles every other day.

Also, if you haven't checked this site out yet, do it. It's awesome. And if you know of any others like it, please link me. I'm interested here.

Umm... I think that's about it for this post.

Stay wonderful. <3

ABC - Day 6

2009-10-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

Six days on the ABC. I'm really proud of myself. :3

Today all I've had is a rice cake (45) and a glass of soy milk (80) Not really planning on anything else but water/tea/coffee.

I've been afraid to weigh myself lately. I mean, if I haven't lost anything--or worse, gained--what will I do? Wait, that's silly. I'll keep on of course and hope the loss comes.

Also, getting my driver's license tomorrow. I'm going to look so freaking fat in my photo. : D

I am sooooo screwed.

2009-10-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

I just realized something.

My parents have spyware on my laptop. =_=;

So, this is like serious spyware they have. It logs all my chats and every website visited. It takes screenshots every three seconds. Plus, it's a keylogger, too. So if they check it, which I think my mom is planning to today... I'm screwed over BIG TIME. I'm already trying to think up reasons why I might be visiting all these blogs, and why I might have one of my own, but I'm coming up with only weak stuff. But sometimes, that's all I need. Some days she's the type that'll just be like "Ok, whatever... if you say it, I'll believe it for now..." but other days she's like some kind of interrogator or something... it's hard to explain. So I'm planning on explaining MY blog as "Oh, I'm just trying to lose weight and started this blog to see if I could get support. : D" Which, yeah, is basically true. XDDD And the other blogs... I'm working on that one. XDDD But I bought some notebooks today, so I can keep it up on my own if she grounds me or something. And if she doesn't... well, I'm just going to keep it up. *shrugs* My life, my choices.

My fast is going pretty well. I can't call it a complete fast, because my mom somehow noticed I hadn't eaten all day, so she's trying to shove stuff at me. Seriously? After one day? Wtf, woman. So I couldn't get out of eating half a rice cake, which was the least I could get away with. She wanted me to eat the whole thing, but I threw half away, hidden in paper towels and was like "What? Oh, yeah, gee, you were right...I was hungry... yeah, I already ate half. o:" I was going to do the whole thing like that, but she was hanging around the same room, so I just went ahead and ate it. It was 45 calories for the whole thing, so that's about 21 calories for today. If they try to force supper on me, though... I'm going to try the whole "Push it around the plate and play with it to make it look like you ate more than you actually did" thing. When I was little, I used to be the queen of doing that with brussels sprouts and spinach. :P Bring up some old skills here.

Also, I was thinking about searching up some thinspo and taking pictures of it with my cellphone so I'll always have some handy. And nobody goes through my cell, so yeah, that'd be safe.

Also, wow, something not related to food, but that has me really, really, really irritated, so I just need to blow off some steam about it. Rawrrawrrawr.

Ok, so see, my boyfriend is adorable. Wonderful. He started out as my best friend. XD But he has this one ex-girlfriend... apparently, he saved her from suicide. She'd been raped or something, so she was suicidal. So, he saved her, and they started going out not too long after. Well, after a while, her parents made them break up, so he started going with some other chick. Eventually, we finally realized, wow, we had feelings for each other. So he broke up with the second chick to go out with me. (Our six-month anni was yesterday, by the way. : D). But yeah, last month, he found out the first chick had gotten pregnant and was in the hospital. She and the baby were both in serious condition. He seemed ultra-worried about her, more so than I would call 'normal', so I asked him if he was still in love with her. Guess what. : D He was. >:\ So that threw me off good there. So not too long ago, he introduced her to me. Wtf. She's so fucking nice. And she's probably AH-DOR-AH-BUL too. Exes always are. And me. I'm a cow. :D He told me he's not going to leave me for her, and I don't want to get all suspicious and push him away... but... uuuuughhhhhh. He's still in love with the nicest girl on the planet... and me. :D

So, yeah, sorry about that. Just had to let that out. ^^;

Hmm...

2009-10-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about fasting tomorrow. I feel like I need it.

Water+tea+onecupofcoffee.

Anybody want to join me?

Edit:

Heh, I'm already refining my plans.
Instead of waking up at my usual late hour, I'm going to get up and watch the sun rise while drinking a steaming mug of hot green tea. I have no idea why, it just seems like a good time to do that. XD
Then I'm going to go for my usual three-mile walk, with the hill circuits and all. Delicious. <3
Then I'm going to wash and oil all my tack for my horses. It burns some good calories. Not sure exactly how many, but it usually makes my arms good and sore.
By this point, I'm probably going to be nice and sweaty. So I'm going to come back in the house, take a nice, hot bath for about an hour, because I just love doing that. Makes me feel so pure after.
And then I'm going to sit on the porch, or even in the woods and write my brains out. XD I write poetry. And people seem to think I'm pretty damn good. Whatever floats their boats, I guess. XD
And then I'm going to clean my room. Maybe there's actually a floor in there. o:
And then in the afternoon, I'm going to do my walk again. : D

Hopefully, all this'll keep my mind off of food, so I can complete this fast. Let's hope I have willpower this time and don't let my fat think for me. : D

<3

Edit again:

I just now noticed I had a comment yesterday. :D slowly fading, your comment made me feel so happy. :D Just thought I ought to say that. :D

ABC - Day 4

2009-10-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've made it to day four, so yay for that. XD

Umm... today has been pretty pathetic, really.

I started out ok. An egg white (17) with a tablespoon of taco sauce (10) because we were out of salsa--it actually turned out to taste better. XD I dunno if salsa is lower-cal or anything, because I didn't even have an empty jar to check the calorie count on. So then I had hot chocolate (140) and an apple (80). So it's kind of suck after that. At least I made the chocolate with water instead of milk or something. o_o So that brings me up to 247 so far. For supper I'm probably going to do the egg and taco sauce again. Only 27 cals and it's delicious, too. : D And then if I can stay away from everything else, that's about 194 calories. If I really get into a "I'm going to binge if I don't eat something NOW" bind, I'll probably have three shrimp (9). That still keeps me under the limit for today.

Also, for Halloween, we're doing a bonfire with fluffy fat traps, also known as marshmallows, and lovely, greasy chips and overprocessed meatsticks, also known as hot dogs. Yummy! [/sarcasm] I'm definitely going to have to go on the shopping trip for that one so I can at least try to find SOMETHING lower-cal. It's not going to be a huge crowd, so I can't just act like I did eat some, but I'm going to try to perfect my sneaky skills. Plus fast the day of, so I don't go over my limit with that + whatever I had during the day. But if I do, I still have my binge days to fall back on, and then I can fast the next day. Hopefully, I'll have gained enough self-control by then to be able to stay under... I'll probably consider fasting anyway, just to make sure I don't gain from just eating pure crap.

...

2009-10-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like a poser.

A wanna-be or something.

I bet I sound like one, too.

*sighs*

So am I just 'new kid on the block' or poser?

Does everybody feel this... out-of-place?

*sighs again*

I deviated from my plan. I had potato salad. I don't know exactly how many calories were in my portion, but I'm estimating maybe 400?

Now I'm wondering if I should count this as a binge day. I mean... does that even count as a binge? Or just sheer weakness? I might subtract 100 calories from tomorrow's allowance to make up for it and count it as a binge day, too. Just to make sure I stay on the total allowance levels, and just to get a binge day out of the way.

Edit:

Hmm, I'm thinking... maybe it doesn't matter if I'm just a wannabe. What matters is I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do it all-out. I'm going to become skinny and pretty, and I'm going to get in control here. I might feel out of the loop, and I might feel like I don't belong doing this, but really, is it so much different than I've always felt? And if you guys do accept me... then I'll have found a home.

But if you don't, that's your choice, and I'm going to hope you might someday, but until the point of acceptance comes, I can fly on my own wings.

(And I'll continue to support everybody I've started following, until you all tell me my comments are no longer welcome)

<3

ABC - Day 3

2009-10-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

1:29pm and nothing has passed my lips except water. I'm excited, because a couple months ago, I would be dying by this point. XDDD Plus, I walked my three miles, so that's awesome too.

My mom keeps telling me that 'You're looking so good!'. See, in April of this year, that's when I got serious about losing weight. I got on the scale and it screamed "GET OFF ME, YOU FAT COW!". I was 172.4 lbs, at 5'4". And so I started working on losing weight. It's taken me until this point to weigh 145.6 lbs. I still can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, though. I just keep thinking I'm about to see the ginormous cow I was. But nah, I just keep seeing the ginormous cow I still am.

So yeah, I would imagine I'm 'looking good' to her, since I was so HUGE before, but I still feel like I have so much farther to go before I can even BEGIN to say "Hey, I like that girl in the mirror there."

I need to go weigh myself, because I weighed last night and had lost 1.2 lbs since the day before. That made me squee. And do a victory dance. XD Until, of course, I looked in that damn mirror. Hips from hell. I'm not even kidding. My arms are flab city. My boobs look huge. I've got kind of a waist now, but then I have soooo much stomach flab, love handles and shit, so then it's just like "Ewwww!" And then the hips and thighs. UGGGGH. I don't even have to search online for thinspo, because my mirror gives me plenty of motivation.

But it'll get better, hopefully. Maybe? DX

So my meal plan for the day is an egg (70 calories), an apple, (80 calories) and maybe a salad for supper (I can usually make one that's worth about 10 calories, if it's dry, which it needs to be) So that brings me to about 160 calories. I might add some milk, because my mom keeps getting on to me about "Get more calcium!", so that'll be about 100 calories for 1 cup of milk, I think. That's still pretty good--260 calories.

But for now, I'm going to keep chomping on my sugar-free gum and wait for awhile until I eat anything. I'm serious, I don't even feel hungry right now, and that's just so awesome to me. XD

Edit: 6:25 pm

Still haven't eaten anything. It's been so fun to watch everybody eat except me. :3 I just feel so, so strong right now. But... I'm kind of breaking. My dad is frying pork chops for dinner, and I love those. But no, no, no, NO! I'm not giving in now! I'm going to keep being strong.

So for supper, one egg white. 17 calories, baby! Still debating about adding a slice of toast... all we have in the house is white bread, so that's not good. So I'm probably going to skip that and just have the egg. If I'm totally starving by the time I make it, I might just go ahead and leave the yolk in. I need as much as possible here in these first few days so I don't go binge and discourage myself. But then knowing I could've left some calories out and didn't... Ugh. ._.

A quick question:

2009-09-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

I know I don't have any followers yet, and pretty much nobody happens upon my blog here, but I just wanted to put this forward on the off chance anybody happens by that knows anything about the Master Cleanse? Like have any of you tried it? Lost any weight on it? Is it any good? I was thinking about starting it so I could be sure and stay under-limit for the ABC's days to come, but I can't find anything about how many fricking calories are in the damn thing, like what the calorie allotment is in the juices and crap.

The salt water flush part of it seems interesting, though. I have heard people say that you can be carrying five pounds of pure crap in your colon. Huh. I might have to try that one on its own, maybe. Again, have any of you tried that? XD I'm not usually one to just dive into the great unknown. XDDD But I guess I might have to for some of this. At least until I get some followers that know this stuff. I feel so lost, and yet so empowered at the same time.

ABC - Day 2

2009-09-30T09:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up about ten minutes ago. : D Was feeling soooo shaky and low blood-sugar-y. Oddly enough, that makes me happy. : D I've started the day with an apple, which I'm estimating to be about... oh, maybe 80ish? I've heard that's about how many calories in a medium-sized apple. I feel really good about myself--it's an even better start than yesterday!

For the rest of the day, I'm planning on maybe 2 more apples, then maybe a salad for supper. I'm going to estimate my salad to be around... oh, 100 cals? That's probably being generous there, but I'll get the exact calorie count when I'm making it. My brother and dad are around now, so I can't just go check.

So if I stick to that plan, and the salad is, in fact, 100 cals, that'll bring me to 340 calories for the day! Once again, planning for shooting under the limit makes me happy. : D

I need to start making plans for exactly WHEN I'm going to be eating. Right now it's just kind of a "Make a vague plan about what you're going to eat, and then go get some of it when you're hungry", which did work yesterday, because I never binged out, but still, it would add a little bit more of the self-control element to the ABC.

Oh, damn, I nearly forgot--my dad is boiling shrimp tonight! I can't just skip that completely or suspicions will DEFINITELY be up. Maybe I can add a few to my salad tonight. I just looked up how many calories in one shrimp, and it seems to be about 3. So if I can keep my salad low-cal and then add maybe 5 shrimp, which is 15 cals... I can still stay at around 340. Dang, this is going to be harder than I thought, this working around parents. ._.

Edit: 2:30pm

I just had my second apple, and I'm feeling pretty good. XD This just makes me feel so... I dunno. In control, I guess. Like I'm finally, finally, finally doing something about myself.

Also, is it bad that I feel slightly superior as I watch my brother go back and forth from the kitchen getting snacks and stuff? I mean... I don't want to feel that way, but I do. XD He's been skinny for a couple months now, and now he's going to eat it all back on, while I'm going to become slim and beautiful.
It just kind of makes me smirk, because one time while I was eating something and he was in his "Exercise like crazy and eat one HUUUUEG meal a day" phase, he sneered and was like "Ever heard of self-control?" It's kind of funny looking back now, because well, he didn't have self-control then, at least not as much as I do now. Because he'd eat at least 1000 calories in just that one meal, plus he stopped exercising when it got hot out. And now he's eating about 2000 calories a day, and I haven't had that much in two days. *grins* Who has self-control NOW?!

Also, throughraindrops, that's a good idea, about the shrimp. I dunno why I didn't think of it. XD I guess I just got into "OH SHIT" mode. XDDDD Maybe now I can just put in one or two for 3-6 cals, but make it look like a lot more. And heck, if I'm frugal with my calories in the salad, maybe I can make the whole thing for 50-75 calories! I love salads--you can get so much for so little calories, so you feel fuller, and being new to this diet, that's kind of important to me. Though I am kind of getting used to the feeling of not being truly full.

I stood up just a few minutes ago, and got light-headed. I always used to think it would be a bad thing if that ever happened, but I kind of liked it. I swear to god, I felt like I was floating about six inches off the floor. XD It did kind of freak me out when this ring of darkness came around my vision and I felt like I was going to pass out, but it passed, as did the light-headedness. I didn't even know it was possible for that to happen after only two days on a diet like this.

Edit: 8:26pm

Arrrrgh. Parents forced more shrimp on me than I wanteeeeed. Eight little shrimpies. And at 3 calories apiece, that's about 24 calories right there. So I cut down some on my salad. And it's dry, which isn't my favourite way to have it, but it works. Since everybody had left the kitchen because I took my sweet time in getting in there, and then peeling my shrimp, but they would've noticed if I threw any shrimp away or put any back. =_=; But anyway, they were out while I was making the veggie part of my salad, so I've got exact tallies on those. My entire salad is 40 calories. Yummy. So far, my day has been 200 calories. o_o

Jesus Christ. XDDDD I'm satisfied here. And I still have an apple left over from my original plan. : D Hmm.... makes me wonder if I'm actually gonna eat that.

Still can't believe I have 300 calories left over for the day. : D You have NO idea how good that makes me feel, to finally be taking over here. Bikini, here I come!

ABC - Day 1

2009-09-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

I've started out fairly well today. So far I've had 180 calories, planning on having the same again around lunch, which brings me up to 360, then maybe I could have something worth 100 cals for supper, which leaves me at 460. Under the limit makes me happy. : D

I'll edit later with how I'm doing. And please, just stab me if I screw up. =_=;

Edit: 1:00pm

Just had my second round of 180 calories. So far it's been just liquid. I'm... actually kind of proud of myself. When my dad and I got back from town about half an hour ago, I was soooo starving and nearly told myself to screw the plan and eat a salad or something. But I couldn't do that! Plans are everything, and if I can't stick to my one-day plan, how can I stick to my fifty-day plan?! How can I stick to my LIFETIME plan? So I've got the hunger pangs under control for now and should be able to ride it out until supper, when I'm having my last 100 cals. Other than that, water all the way. : P
Plus green tea. XDDD I swear, the stuff is my new addiction. It just smells SO freaking good. XDDDDDD

Edit: 6:54pm

I am so fucking amazed. o_o I should've started checking nutrition labels more often! Did you know that 4 cups of spinach (raw cups, of course) has only 20 cals? o_o Also, 3oz (3/8 of a cup) of broccoli slaw has 25 cals. Hoo boy, I was thinking it would be way more. XDDDD But still, I'm only omnoming on 1 raw cup of spinach, plus 1/4 cup of broccoli slaw. Cooked it into some kind of odd veggie stir-fry. @_@ Was feeling kind of confident, so I checked on cheese. 110 cals for 1/4 cup. o_O That was kind of high, so I had half that amount. Was going to put it on my stir-fry but I got impatient. D; So then I put about 10 cals worth of soy sauce on my stir fry and am enjoying it with a cup of... you guessed it! Green tea! So my calorie tally for today is 438! YES! I'm below even what I thought I'd be! YESYESYES!!!!! I still have the rest of the day to wait out, but still. YES!

Also, I'm modding the diet. I'm going to allow for 5 binge days. If I don't plan for them, they'll screw me up majorly. So since the diet is 50 days long, that's one screw-up day per 10-day period. I'm going to hope and work for not ever using those, but they're still there if I need them.

Also, I walked a little more than three miles again. On my usual route, there's a lot of hills, but there's this one super-mondo-killer hill. XD So I made a decision. : D A circuit is up and then back down. So I do five circuits forward... and then I turn around and do five circuits backwards. Then I jog back up. Let me tell you, the backwards... KILLER. DX It makes the backs of my legs burn like crazy, but that's what I need. So I'm going to keep it up. : D

I feel pretty confident I'm making a good start here.

Month 1 - Day 11

2009-09-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Change of plans! This blog is going from private to public. And guess what? I'm sick and tired of this crap. So tomorrow I'm starting the Ana Boot Camp diet. And I'm going public with the blog just to make sure I stick with it. I'm going to search up other bloggers that are doing the same thing just so they can keep me accountable to it. Here's the diet:

1: 500 calories (or less
2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

Anyways, for today, I had a can of sardines (No judging! They're good! XD), and a 290 cal frozen dinner. A lot of tea, as usual. I've kind of stopped coffee. XD I've been practically vegetarian for a week now, except for minimal amounts of chicken and cheese, plus milk, so if my parents ask about my eating while I'm on the ABC, I can just say I'm continuing that. They really don't pay much attention to what I eat, anyway. I've had four cinnamon pills, too. Walked a little more than three miles.

Also, trying to convince my parents to get me a gym membership. I'm getting my driver's license this week, so I can get myself to and from there. I think it'll work out fine.

Month 1 - Day 10

2009-09-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

Still on track. Except... been adding cheese and chicken to my salads. Ugh. Need to stop that. Still losing though. 145lbs. Ick. Apparently, now I've hit the ideal weight range for my height. Barely. Pft. My goal is currently 125, ultimately, I'd like to get down to 117. Tomorrow, I start exercising again. Feh. Still sick, but ughughughugh. Tonight, I'm going to do some dumbell work. I'm getting my license this week, and I'm going to look up gyms and see if my parents will get a membership. If so... hello, gym! Three times a week! And I won't have to rely on my parents to get me there anymore! Hello, freedom!

Month 1 - Day 8

2009-09-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I skipped again. Still on track, though. I did cheat a couple days ago and added chicken and cheese to my salad. Bleh. Felt soooo freaking fat afterwards.

So today, I had my mom take full-body pictures of me, just so I could see how I'm doing... and my god, I don't look 147 lbs. I look 200 lbs. Ugh. I hate my body sooooo much.

Luckily, before she did that, I hadn't eaten. And after seeing the pictures, I just lost my appetite. Completely. She did this at about 10am this morning, and it is now 4:14 and I have only had an apple, a few pretzels and four cinnamon pills--good for the metabolism! I've had two cups of coffee with milk and sugar. Planning for about 2-3 cups of hot tea for the rest of the night, plus water. No-cal, plus it fills ya up for a while. I'm still wondering if I might want to have a salad later, but.... jesus christ, those pictures are still stuck in my head. I don't think I can do it.

I need to start exercising again, but my nose is stuffy now, so I don't know if I can run and stuff and still be able to breathe properly. o_O I'm going to wait it out until Monday, and if I'm not any better by then, I'm just going to start walking. Can't let myself keep looking like this.

Month 1 - Day 5

2009-09-22T15:19:00.000-07:00

Argh. Coughing like a chainsmoker. DX One good thing about being sick: it pretty much removes the desire to eat. XDDD Only thing I've had today is an apple, a glass of chocolate milk and two cups of coffee with coffeemate and milk added. It's currently 5:21, and I'm not especially hungry. XD I've been chewing sugarfree peppermint gum like it's going out of style, though. It makes my throat not hurt as bad. <3
So, I only lost, like, .2 lbs today. Sad. D; But I'll probably lose more before all this runs its course. XD

Umm... planning on having a salad later, just because I don't want to starve to death--have to keep eating to keep my immune system up, and I need to drink more water, but blahhhh, I just don't feel like even MOVING right now. q___p

Also, pasta cravings. BIG TIME. Either those big tube-like ones in marinara sauce or ravioli would be SOOOOO fucking good. DX Good thing we don't have anything like that in the house. XDDDD

Month 1 - Day 4

2009-09-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

Blah, sorry for skipping yesterday. I did ok, actually. And today the same. I didn't do any exercise, but that was because I started my period and was cramping pretty badly, as always. Hate that. Today I might get out and do some, but it's iffy, because NOW, I'm sick. A cold or something. My stupid brother's had it and refuses to cover his mouth when he coughs or sneezes or whatever, so I was bound to catch it no matter what. It sucks major monkey balls. My throat hurts and my head feels... it doesn't hurt, exactly, and it feels kind of normal... but there's kind of a fullish feeling around my sinuses. It's odd. Hate it. I've been eating minioranges, hoping that'll help some, but it really hasn't. I guess I'll just have to suffer it out.
I've been eating small amounts of crap every day, and that needs to stop. For sure. I'm down to 150, but still. I might lose more if I stop crap. <_<; Thing is... comfort food is so hard to stop. DX At least I've managed to stay away from meat. Craving it like crazy, but... meh. I can hold out for a bit longer.

Month 1 - Day 2

2009-09-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

Today has been kind of ok. I started things out with the last piece of cake and a few strawberries. While it was kind of a crappy way to start out the day, at least it got that temptation out of the way. I was pretty good the rest of the day. A small salad with a bit of ranch dressing, two mini-oranges and then some grapes. Admittedly, I did have too many grapes, but at least I didn't binge out on something completely unhealthy. For supper, I'm planning another salad with a nectarine an hour or two after.

For my exercise, I walked two miles at about noon, and I'm planning to run tonight. So I'm pretty good on that front.

Ok, now a bit of celebration. My scale has been telling me I'm hovering around 152-154, but... today I broke it. I am now 151.8. I know it's not that great, but it feels good to have busted--no matter how slightly--that plateau. From now on I'm going all out on this. All out. ^^

Also, kind of angry at my dad. Ever since I started my diet, he's been cooking all my favorites. High fat, with MEAT. It's like he's TRYING to sabotage me here. My mom is kind of on my side and has promised to stick with me and not eat that garbage, but still. It's so hard, and really depressing to think he could do this.

Month 1 - Day 1... again

2009-09-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

So I've had to start over. And this time, I'm not allowing anything to sabotage me. It is currently 5:07pm and all day all I've had is an apple, a small salad and just a few minutes ago I had one of those mini-oranges. I forget what they're really called. XD I'm planning to finish out the day with another small salad and maybe a nectarine or plum. I'm out of apples, which makes me really sad, but I should be able to get some later this week. On my salads, I'm using a small amount of buttermilk ranch dressing, which probably isn't the best choice, but it'll have to do until I can get my mom to take me to the store so I can get something a bit healthier. So yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself today--a strong start for my Five Month Fight.

I've kind of fallen out of the habit of exercizing, but I'm planning on changing that tonight. It's been kind of wet and sloppy outside for the past week or so, and that's what I've been using as my excuse, but not anymore. I need this.

It's kind of strange, too, but even though I've been eating crap lately and not excercising, I've lost about half a pound since I last weighed in. I was pleasantly surprised, because I expected myself to gain some. But I'm pretty confident that with this new vegetarian-style diet plus exercise, I'm going to come out on top in this fight.

It's only been not-even-one-day since starting this vegetarian thing, but I'm already kind of getting into it. I feel soooo light right now. XD I'm probably going to be looking online for some actual recepies after I do a couple weeks on a salad-and-fruit diet like this. ^^ I might actually be able to stick with this forever. Of course, I'll probably cheat sometimes, after I reach my goal weight, but I might actually be mostly like this. I'm going to add in fish later, if I start to feel meat-deprived. But I'm going to try to learn how to cook now, so my dad's fatty and meat-rich meals won't sabotage me. I'm going in this full-force. I'm 152 lbs of pure determination right now.

I feel GOOD about myself right now. I feel truly, truly good.

Edit: 7:33pm

Plans fell through. Had pizza. But I did put a lot of veggies on it, and some pineapple chunks to kind of make it a bit healthier. But it did have meat. DAMN. DAMN DAMN DAMN.
I'll probably have some grapes or strawberries or something a little later, because I'll probably get hungry later because of the utter crap I just introduced into my body. Ugh. Grease, fat, and MEAT. This was supposed to be a vegetarian period. DAMN. At least it wasn't a whole freaking steak or something. But still. >___<

Edit: 12:07am

Right. Had a piece of chocolate cake left over from my birthday. Was feeling depressed because my boyfriend told me he's still in love with his pathetic ex-girlfriend who got herself knocked up, just had the baby and is in the hospital in 'urgent condition'. Fuck. And no, the cake didn't make me feel better. Worse. At least I'm not some slutty little bitch in the hospital.

Month 1 - Day 1

2009-09-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so today I've been doing ok-ish. I had a Carnation instant breakfast shake this morning, and then around one I had a fish sandwich. Not so happy about that, so I'm probably going to skip supper and have a V8 or something instead. I don't want to go without food, but I don't want to go overboard and binge either, so the vegetable juice should help with that. I'm thinking about adding jalapenos to it--I've heard that can raise your metabolism.
For my exercising, I've been running for a few months. Not, like, solid running, but kind of run-walking. So I've been doing that, plus I recently added some work with dumbbells. Since April, I've lost about 15-20 lbs. SLOW. Of course, I haven't had a completely single-minded focus on it, either, so yeah, that should change this time around. I want to be sexy, I want to be beautiful.

Ok, I've had enough

2009-09-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

I've had enough. I've had enough of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I've had enough of feeling like I'm huge, like I don't belong, like I'm stupid, fat and ugly. So now... let's see what I can do in five months of extra-strict dieting, hmm?

Forty to sixty pounds is my goal, which will put me between 90 and 110 lbs. The 90 is underweight for my height, but I'd welcome being underweight after being over my entire life. So, let's see what I can do here. Wish me luck.